Chapter 11
A/N~ So, I'm going to slow down the updates... Updating five chapters a day sounded like a good idea at the time but I think I'm missing out on reviews... I love reviews! I don't want to miss out on any :o(
I'm thinking maybe, one chapter every day or two?
I have another 19 chapters that I have to read through and edit and then, from there, I'll write another few. As of yet, I have no idea where this story is going, I have no clue what happens in the other chapters that I wrote a couple of years ago :o)
So for now, I'm going with the flow...
As always... I own nothing, unfortunately.
Where my bravery had come from I had no idea, yet I didn't regret anything I did.
The need to kiss Edward had surprised me more than I could ever explain. I had wanted to be stronger; I had wanted to stand up for what I believed a little more. Wanted to make him realise that he didn't have as much of a hold on me than he seemed to have on every other girl in Chicago.
Yet as I stood on the stairs and he walked away from me, I couldn't bare it. I knew at that moment what I had to do and I mentally patted myself on the back for finding the courage to do it.
Edward had stood in front of me on the stairs, swallowed his pride and taken the first step by asking to kiss me and I had pretty much shot him down.
Not because I wanted to -I hadn't mean to reject him- but because it was such a shock to me that he had actually wanted to kiss me; he was finally going to kiss me, without pulling away. A thought which made me almost giddy.
Then I had gone and ruined it.
His walls had fallen down around him and as I stood and watched, my need to make him suffer for the way he had treated me previously, evaporated.
He was a human yo-yo, there was no doubt about it but I was quickly beginning to realise that with Edward, you had to act on impulse. Go with how he is feeling and acting at that exact moment rather than with how he had been previously; otherwise the moment would pass without a second glance or another chance.
Yes, he had treated me horribly on more than one occasion, but he had also saved me more than a few times too.
Firstly, there was Demetri in the cell; then when he had been nice and made me a coffee the first time we spoke to each other in the kitchen, before he flipped a complete 180 and was horrible to me that same night. Not to mention the way he treated the sleeping guard outside my room.
He had then threatened me in his office, calling Demetri and causing me to cry. Only then to invite me to dinner and treat me with respect and the appropriate manners. Pulling away when he was going to kiss me and leaving me to wallow in self pity for three days. He had insulted me at his party, causing me to turn in to a stupid little girl with a crush before having his wicked way with me and storming out of my room angrily; only to then come to my rescue again and save me from Demetri for the second time, staying at my bedside all night because I had subconsciously asked him to.
See?
Yo-yo.
Edward very much lived in the moment. Sometimes I felt as though he forgot much of what happened on the previous day and started every new day from scratch; memory erased and ready to start over.
It was for that reason that I had ran after him and kissed him.
I knew my feelings for him had been strong but I had never taken the time to stop and assess them; I had poured all my emotions in to feeling harshly towards him, looking for faults and reasons to hate him. But if I had just thought about it, I would have realised that these strong feelings I was harbouring were not hate at all.
The way my heart sped up when he was near, or my breath hitched when he looked at me; the way he could erupt so many emotions from within me just by calling me on something or trying to annoy me...
It wasn't indifference for this man, it wasn't fear and it definitely wasn't hatred.
It was lust. It was a pure need to feel something for this man, something strong and I had believed up until then, no I had convinced myself that the feelings I was having were purely negative.
I had never been so wrong in all my life.
I took the glass from him and sat down, careful not to place myself too close to him. I had a feeling that this wasn't something he did very often and I figured that placing myself too close would probably only make him uncomfortable.
"I don't know what to say," he started, looking at me and trying his best to smile.
"Edward, this isn't an interrogation," I smiled back, trying my best to reassure him. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."
His eyes stayed on mine as he sipped his drink. Obviously still unsure about where to take this conversation and all I wanted to do was reach out and make him feel a little more relaxed. He didn't budge, sitting stock still and not making much of an effort to open up any more than he had already. We seemed to be no further forward than we were this time yesterday, and surprisingly it hurt me a little.
Had we not just got past this?
He placed his glass on the table and leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.
It was quite upsetting to watch; he was battling with himself, not sure what to do or say and looking as though he was unable to figure it out and all I could do was sit and pray that he was going to relax and just talk to me, just open up and speak.
He could tell me anything, it didn't matter. All I needed to know was that there was something between us, I needed reassurance. My self-esteem was faltering with every empty minute that passed by as I waited. Waited for anything. Waited for him to tell me anything.
It gradually became apparent that this was never going to happen and as I watched him, I became angry. It appeared that he wasn't even really trying.
It shouldn't be this hard for him. I had misjudged the situation and I became more disappointed in him than anything else.
"You know what, forget it Edward," I sighed, standing up.
His head snapped up and he looked at me, his eyes pained and pleading.
"If you can't find it in yourself to talk to me then please, don't force it," I continued. He was still looking up at me and although I could see he was uneasy, I couldn't find it in myself to cut him some slack.
What was he so scared to tell me? For God's sake, I wanted to know everything about him. Good or bad, I felt ready for it.
"That's not the problem Bella, I-"
"Excuse me?" I interrupted.
He furrowed his brows at me in question.
"What did you just say?" I asked him, not knowing if I had heard him correctly.
He continued to look at me, confused. "That that's not the problem?"
"No," I sighed, "what did you just call me?"
"Your name," he stated and I smiled when I realised he was acting tougher than he was feeling right now and I doubted he had realised what he had actually said.
"Bella," he whispered and I closed my eyes, smiling at the sound of my nickname on his lips.
I finally opened them when I felt him close to me; he had stood up from the sofa and was standing in front of me, looking down, a slight smile playing on his lips before he brought his face closer to me and ever so lightly and teasingly, placed his lips on mine, they were barely touching me and when I moved forward to fully capture his lips, he moved away laughing quietly.
"Will you sit back down?" He asked, still smiling as I pouted.
I obliged and took the seat I was occupying before. This time he sat beside me. He was much closer and my breath caught as his leg touched mine.
We both sat in silence for a while, neither one of us really wanting to speak first.
I was waiting for him to start speaking and he was obviously hoping I was going to ask him a question. None of which happened and I smiled to myself in triumph as he sighed and began to speak.
"I'm not a good man, Bella."
I looked at him then, eyebrows furrowing as I registered what he had just said but waited patiently for him to continue.
"I can't offer you what most women want, it would never work. We would never work, Bella and I know for a fact that you deserve everything that you want, you deserve more than someone like me."
That little revelation shocked and pained me a little to hear. I knew we would never be a conventional couple, I wasn't stupid. I knew what he was and although I didn't know much of what his job entailed; I was still female and dreamed of a man who loved me, wanted to be with me, believed in me and most of all, could give me that happy ending every girl dreamed of.
Dreams that Edward was doing his best to crush, by putting himself down.
"Edward, I'm not asking you to marry me," I smiled at him, trying to ease him in to telling me a bit more and lighten the mood.
"You don't know anything," he stated, his voice taking on the cold edge I despised hearing.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I questioned, slightly taken aback by his bluntness.
"It means that you don't actually know what you're getting yourself in to. I'm a dangerous man, I play dangerous games and I don't play fair, Bella. It's not fair on you-"
"What are you trying to say, Edward?" I questioned. My anger was slowly rising to the surface with every negative word he spoke.
Had we finally reached this point? Finally crossed the invisible barrier between us only for him to recoil again? I felt slightly used; we had both jumped forward only to be blown back.
"I'm sorry I led you on, I didn't mean for it to go this far but I need you to know that nothing serious can happen between us."
I sucked in a breath and leaned back, taking more of him in. "Right," I stated, nodding my head sadly, "I get it."
I didn't get it, not at all but I was hardly going to be weak and cry. He was ending us before we had even began, hurting me without even thinking about it and it showed me what kind of a man he really was.
Again I stood up, unwilling to show him how I was really feeling and walked towards the door without another word or glance in his direction, opening it wide and walking calmly out of his office. I was aware that he had stood up as I left but couldn't allow myself to look back. It was always easier to walk away, than be left.
I was doing the right thing.
I mean, it could have been a lot worse. At least I wasn't in too deep, he had cut it off before it had really begun and I was stronger than most people gave me credit for.
I would not let this get to me. I couldn't.
It was dark outside now, my body was starting to numb due to the fact that I hadn't moved much over the last couple of hours as I sat on the window ledge of my room, looking out in to the night sky and the distant twinkling lights of the city.
I had run a deep, hot bath when I got back to my room and lay in it for ages before finally dragging myself out and sitting at the window, wearing only my bath robe and feeling more deflated than I could ever have imagined only a couple of hours ago.
I jumped slightly when there was a soft tapping at my door and groggily raised myself from my perch to make my way over to it.
"Hi," he whispered when I finally stood in front of him.
I could only muster a smile, feeling slightly embarrassed realising I was wearing only a small material robe that barely reached my knees.
"I had to see you. Bella, I'm not good at opening up to people, especially someone that I care for and it annoys me. It's frustrating and infuriating because I actually care about what you think of me!" His voice had gradually gotten louder as he spoke, resulting in him almost shouting at himself by the end of his rant as he stood in my doorway, and again I had to almost physically hold myself in place, I wanted so much to reach out and just touch him.
"Do you want to come in?" I whispered, unsure of whether or not it was the best idea.
He nodded and followed me as I walked back inside my bedroom, stopping when I got so far and turning to face him. His waistcoat was gone and his shirt was un-tucked and creased, still rolled up his arms and his top buttons were still undone. He looked breathtaking and I found myself biting my lip to try and keep myself in check.
I didn't know where I stood with him, was I in a position to try and comfort him? He had practically told me that that could never happen with us, that it wasn't possible. But right now, as I stood and looked straight at him; he was just a boy, he looked so lost. So alone.
He needed my help right now and I couldn't deny him it, although I didn't want to make it too easy for him.
I was always the one that ended up hurt after our encounters with each other and for once, I wanted the roles to be reversed.
"I don't know what you want from me," he stated softly.
"Nothing Edward," I sighed, looking to the floor. "I want nothing from you, it was wrong of me to think you could give me anything."
I looked back up at him and his eyes were closed in pain. He looked distraught and it saddened me to the core to see him like this.
"You're disappointed," he whispered in to the emptiness of the room around us.
"No," I whispered back, "I guess in the future I'll just have to lower my expectations of people."
He took a sharp intake of breath through his nose before opening his eyes and looking straight at me.
"I apologize for making you feel that way."
"You apologize or you're sorry?" I questioned him, never breaking eye contact.
"What?" He shot back, looking confused and slightly angry.
"Well for all the times you've 'apologised' to me," I used my fingers in quotation gestures, "you've never once actually said that you are sorry."
"You've lost me."
"Edward, I have never heard you say the words 'I am sorry', it's always 'I apologize for this, I apologize for that'...for him, for her, for them. Never just, 'I'm sorry'!" I was almost shouting across the room now. "You always manage to apologize without actually apologizing."
"How does your mind bloody work? Seriously, Isabella, how the fuck do you manage to pick up on things like that?" He fumed back at me.
"Have I caught you out?" I smirked, feeling as though I finally had the upper hand on this man.
"No, you've fucking baffled me. You read too much in to everything!"
Maybe not.
"How so?" I questioned, unwilling to let my cool demeanour falter.
Just then his cell phone starting ringing in his pocket and his attention turned to it as he answered it. Leaving me standing there like a fool.
"What?" He barked, clearly still furious. "Yes...fine, whatever...No, break his fucking legs if you have to..."
I sucked in a breath through my clenched teeth as those words left his mouth. Surely he was joking?
"Don't make me come down there, Caius, I'm in a shitty mood as it is!" He continued. "Who was he working for?...No? Well hurt him until he tells you...I don't care how you do it, use your imagination."
His back was still facing me as he spoke down the phone, shoulders squared and his body taking on a defensive and authoritative stance.
He had changed right then; I had watched it happen and all of a sudden reality came crashing down on me. For standing in front of me now, wasn't Edward - the man I had kissed and hoped would open up to me. Instead, in his place stood a Mob Boss and I feared him more than I had ever feared anything ever before.
Right now, in this room, I would rather be facing Demetri than this monster in front of me.
He hung up the phone and turned back to me. I couldn't focus on him properly, my mind unwilling at this minute to focus on anything to do with this man.
"I have to go." His voice was calm and collected, he was in business mode and without another word he turned from me to leave the room.
"Are you going to kill him?" I asked quietly, my voice wavering due to the fear blazing through my body.
"Who?" He asked, raising an eyebrow as he turned to face me again.
"The man you were talking about on the phone?" I whimpered.
"Do you really want to know, Isabella?" He questioned, raising an eyebrow at me, fully aware that in fact, there was no way I wanted to know his intentions.
"I didn't think so," he sighed, turning again to leave the room.
"Are you going to kill me?" My voice was low and quiet but he seemed to have no problem hearing me because as soon as the words left my mouth his whole body tensed and he stormed over to me. He was so fast that I didn't even have time to step back from him before he grabbed the top of my arms and forced me to look at him.
"Listen to me, Bella. Before, when I said you knew nothing about me, I was being serious. I saw your face just then, after I hung up the phone. You were terrified and so you should be." I willed myself not to cry as he held me at arm's length. It didn't hurt, not at all but I got the message. "I'm a dangerous, powerful and seriously fucked up man, I don't want to subject you to that. I feel very...protective of you." He sighed sadly before continuing. "I promise you that I will do everything in my power to keep you safe, that means safe from me as well as all the other dangers you face."
"Why?" I whispered.
"Bella, when we first had to get hold of you, it was to save my ass. We had to have you because if someone else got you, if someone else found you before we did; they would hurt you, physically and mentally. They would crush you in order to get what they wanted. In order to get information and dirt on me." His grasp became soft during his pause and he lifted his hand to his hair. "I didn't intend to start feeling anything for you but I couldn't predict it in order to be prepared for it either. You've invoked feelings in me that I have never felt or aired before and I will not endanger your life just so I can have a little bit of normalcy in mine."
I closed my eyes and a stray tear fell down my cheek. He wiped it away with his thumb softly, causing me to open my eyes.
"I have to go... Bella, I'm going to leave all the doors open. There is a man named Alec in the garage working on one of my cars, he will take you to wherever it is you will feel safest." My eyes widened at the realisation of what he was doing.
He took a step back, dropping his hand from my face and closing his eyes.
"You can go, Bella. I won't subject you to this anymore."
"Edward I-"
"I'm sorry," he interrupted, causing me to almost choke as I inhaled so sharply. "I promise I will keep you safe. You deserve your normal life back; you deserve a lot more than this."
"You don't want me here anymore?"
I was pretty sure my whole body was on the verge of collapse as I stood and watched him, praying that this was some twisted joke he was playing on me, hoping that in the next five seconds he would realise that he didn't want to let me go, that he wanted me here and he wanted to kiss me again.
He didn't.
He couldn't even answer me as I looked up at him, pleading with my eyes, waiting for his answer.
"Please just leave, Bella."
And with one final look in my direction, he turned from me and left the room. I couldn't move and with every decreasing sound of his retreating footsteps, my body dropped itself closer to the cold floor.
That was that then. It truly was over before it had really begun.
He had told me to leave.
Ouch.
A/N~ Please don't hate me!
Angst people...Angst!
Have a little faith in me...Please?
Okay, you all know what to do :) Let me know what your predictions are!
