A/N: I'm sorry that this chapter took even longer than usual! It's actually a lot longer than the average chapter, which I hope is compensation for the wait. Anyway, depending on how you look at it, this chapter will either hurt you or make you really happy, so I hope you enjoy it.
"I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once."
- John Green
The next of Erik Erikson's psychosocial stages is identity versus identity confusion. During this stage, adolescents experiment with their identity in the attempt to discover their true self. The most important aspects of this stage are determining one's occupational goals and sexual orientation. Failure leads to confusion over one's identity and role in society. Following this is…
I groan as I bury my head in my arms. I've been sitting in the library for an hour trying to study for the psych test on Friday, but I can't retain anything. No matter how many times I reread this one page over and over again, it's useless. I just can't concentrate. The lights are too bright, the smell of old books is too strong, my stomach is on fire, my shoulder is aching, I'm just so exhausted, so cold —
"You look beautiful."
Just thinking about what happened makes me want to die. I can't believe how much of an idiot I am, overreacting like that to something Naruto said, something that didn't even have anything to do with me, and now I have to deal with the consequences. I can ignore all the texts and phone calls I want, but I can't avoid him at school when we have classes together. I'm too drained of energy to even come up with something to say to him — I only slept three hours last night so I would have enough time to exercise and get to school early to study — and I'm already embarrassed enough about it. I don't need him to bring it up again.
I always viewed classmates as people who help pass the time or provide some mutual benefit, but I've never considered any of them friends. If this is what it means to have a friend, this sort of bond, it only makes me weak. That I'm anguishing over something so stupid to the point that I can't even study only means one thing.
I need to sever this bond.
I had almost forgotten what my bond with Mom taught me. To love someone or be close to them is pain, and any bond with Naruto will inevitably end up the same way unless I destroy it now. I can't completely purge him from my life as long as I go to school here — trying to convince Father to let me go back to Japan would be a form of suicide considering he told me to move here in the first place — but as long as I don't let Naruto cross the gulf that separates us, everything will be fine. If I can get to psych class late enough that there won't be time for him to talk to me before class starts, I can avoid talking to him for a while longer.
Or at least, that's what I wanted to do.
The library doors swing open, and through them comes Naruto, peering over bookshelves and other students' heads as if looking for something...or someone. Even though I'm sitting at the back of the main wing, it still isn't nearly big enough for me to escape without him noticing me. All I can do now is bury my face in my binder, silent so I don't attract his attention.
"You know, you can't hide from me with that duck butt hair of yours."
I don't know why I bothered trying.
"Shh!" The librarian, Ebisu, stares Naruto down from his desk, but Naruto's smile doesn't waver. It makes me feel like a fool. I've become so weak that now I'm even hiding from him. If I can at least stop considering him a friend, stop caring about him, stop letting him in, I can start to destroy our bond. I need to do this.
Without looking away from my notes, I whisper, "I wasn't hiding, dumbass."
"Hey!" Naruto says, and the moment he does, Ebisu's chair clatters as the man jumps up and, his expression indignant, points to the exit. Out of my peripheral vision I see Naruto frown, but he doesn't make an effort to move.
Ding dong.
The warning bell. I guess it's true that things can always get worse. The corners of Naruto's mouth turn up into a smile, and he snickers as he strolls toward the exit, undoubtedly planning to wait outside the library for when I leave for class. There isn't anything I can do anymore. Grimacing, I shove my binder into my backpack and stand from my seat, then sling it onto my shoulder —
My backpack falls to the floor. A jolt of pain rushes through my left shoulder blade up to my collarbone, and I grip my shoulder as I collapse back in my chair. Agony paralyzes me. I grit my teeth and shut my eyes. My senses are fried. The only thing left is pain. Pain. Suffering. I can't, I can't, I can't I can't I can't I
I have to ignore the pain. Control my breathing. Breathe in, breathe out. It's going to be okay.
I open my eyes. No one is looking at me. No one has noticed. I peer over toward the exit, but Naruto is gone, probably waiting outside. I sigh with relief; that's one fewer lie I'll have to make up.
It's going to be okay. It's just a bad bruise. It'll heal on its own in a few days. I just have to endure it until then. I've already memorized both the orchestra and chamber group pieces after practicing them so many times, so I can rest my shoulder until the upcoming Christmas concert. It's on the last day of school before break, so after the concert is over, I can afford to not use my shoulder for a while. I just have to exercise without using or hurting it for a few days. I'll be okay.
I discretely tug at my shirt collar and peek at my shoulder. It doesn't look any better; it might even be worse than before. Not only is it swollen, but it's such a deep purple that it looks black. Maybe it's a good thing I'm still not allowed to participate in gym right now. Trying to play any sport normally would be impossible, and if the others happened to see it, they wouldn't let me go until I explained myself.
As the rush of pain trickles into a light stream, any body heat I had left is gone, but I find it in myself to stand back up — my legs are shaking — and grab my backpack. I hang it over my good shoulder and trek through what seems to be a much longer way to the exit than before.
The hallway is quiet. Only a few students pass by me instead of the morning rush that I expected. That's a bad sign; most students must be in class already. At least Kakashi is always late, which gives me to time to get to class before it starts, but that isn't the point. I should still be in class on time. There is no reason for me not to be. It's expected of everyone.
"You look pale," Naruto says from my left. I was hoping he would go away if I ignored him, but that was just wishful thinking. At least I don't have to look at him.
"Amazing. You can distinguish colours."
"Bastard."
"Dumbass."
I sidestep around Naruto and walk past him toward the stairs. I can't afford to be late for class — I've been absent too many days this term. Between my hospital stay back in October and the three days I couldn't go to school last month, my report card is already going to look like a mess even if I keep my grades up.
"Wait up!" Naruto says. I don't. I can't let myself. I couldn't even answer if I wanted to. The pain hasn't subsided completely, and as my breathing gets harsher, my shoulder blade starts to pulsate even harder.
That's when Naruto suddenly breezes past me and, before I know it, is already waiting down by the doors to the first floor. What? When did I get so slow? It has to be from the pain. There's no way I could have become so weak. I've been working so hard to become strong, fit, worthy.
I can't be this weak.
"Are you okay?" he asks as I trudge down the stairs. "You look sick."
'I'm fine," I mutter as I finally make it to the bottom floor.
"Do you have a headache or something? I have painkillers in my backpack."
Without replying, I continue to avoid his gaze as we head toward our psych class down the hall. I don't need the extra toxins in my body, and even if the number of calories in them are nearly negligible, they add up.
And I have to sever this bond.
I hear him sigh. "I know something's up, but I won't know if you don't tell me, Sasuke."
I brush him off as we head into the classroom. "The only thing you need to concern yourself with is your head and the lack of brain matter inside it."
"Hey! I'm not stupid, Sasuke," he says just as the final bell rings. As expected, Kakashi hasn't shown up yet, so the classroom is still noisy with the sounds of students chattering.
And now Naruto is going to continue bothering me until class starts. I can't even make him shut up; I don't have an answer for him. There is no way I could when I don't even have an answer for myself.
"Are you going to tell me or not?" Naruto says as we both take our usual seats. I somehow manage to slide my backpack off my shoulder without having to move the injured one too much, so I don't feel more than a twinge of pain. It's under control.
"Leave him alone, Naruto," a voice suddenly scolds him — Sakura is already in her seat. She looks tired; her face resting in her hands, and she doesn't look as angry as she usually would.
"But he left the party while I was in the middle of talking to him!"
Sakura sighs. "You just didn't hear him say that he had to go because you were so busy ogling Hinata! Pay attention next time!"
I stare at her. I never said that. Why is she lying to Naruto? Knowing her, I thought she would be asking me questions too. Is she doing this for me? Why would she? I don't know why I reacted like that, so there is no way she would know either. She couldn't have known to lie for me.
"Seriously?" Naruto's mouth drops, and then he turns to look at me. "Sorry, I thought you just left without saying anything. Why didn't you just tell me that when I texted you?"
He catches me off-guard with his face, his eyes, and I don't have time to look away. His sapphire orbs latch onto me, pierce into my own eyes as if he is trying to read my soul, trying to tell if it matches what Sakura just said, and I don't know how many walls I still have inside of me to stop him — I haven't had time to rebuild them yet. My heart starts pounding too fast, my face is burning, I feel lightheaded, I'm going to be sick, I can't —
The door clicks open at last, and it breaks my thoughts up enough that I manage to tear my gaze away and recollect myself. From my peripheral vision I see Sakura smiling, but her are eyes downcast. She suddenly looks up at me and opens her mouth as if she wants to say something, but then Kakashi strolls by us.
"Sorry, I got lost on the path of life." He raises a hand in apology. "Today we're going to go over classical conditioning, and yes, it will be on Friday's test."
After resounding groans from the class, psych class goes by quickly, and now with the issue of Naruto out of the way, there is one fewer burden weighing me down. I'll have to talk to Sakura later about this, but for now, it's fine. I can focus.
But once math starts, I can't concentrate at all. My shoulder and stomach both are waging war on me, and I've already lost. I can't do much about my shoulder except immobilize it, and as for my stomach, I can't eat more than what I've allotted myself. If I don't cut calories out of my diet, no one will ever recognize me or even see me for who I'm supposed to be. No matter the pain, I have to do this. I brought an apple and yogurt for lunch, and I can make ochazuke with fish for dinner (1). It's not like I've stopped eating.
But I'm so hungry.
But I shouldn't be eating anything at all.
"Okay, when I call your name, come pick up your math test. Wait for the bell to leave."
I snap my head up to see Asuma standing at the front of the class with a pile of papers in his hands. It's already the end of class? But I don't remember anything. My binder has notes copied down from the slides, but I don't remember hearing or reading any of it, and it all looks like nonsense to me. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I need to study harder or I'm going to fall behind.
"Sasuke," Asuma calls.
As I stand, I feel my blood rush from my head to my legs, leaving me cold, and the edges of the classroom fade to black. A wave of vertigo slams into me as the classroom falls away into oblivion, and I have to grab onto my desk just before my legs collapse from underneath me.
Then the light returns. Everything is fine. I'm fine. This happens sometimes. It's normal. I take a deep breath and go to grab my test from Asuma.
I feel another string inside me break.
Ninety percent.
I pore over my test. Not only did I get that last question wrong, but I made some of the stupidest mistakes. Forgetting to round decimals to the closest hundredth. Putting the wrong numbers in my calculator. I should have gotten these right. I was just stupid, so stupid. There is no excuse for getting an entire ten percent of a test wrong; I was supposed to have known and learned all of this. What is Father going to say? Even if I don't show him this test, he'll see on my report card when I don't get one hundred percent in math. I don't ever do anything but disappoint him, especially compared to Nii-san. Nii-san never gets less than perfect in anything; him making such stupid mistakes like this is unimaginable.
But this is me. And I have failed my family again.
I tense as a heavy, but warm hand clasps my good shoulder. "Woah, you're freezing!" Naruto says.
"It's good to know you can distinguish temperatures too."
"Bastard," Naruto retorts. "Anyway, don't be so hard on yourself. A ninety percent is still in the A+ range, you know."
"It doesn't matter. I failed ten percent of the material."
"But you aced ninety percent of it! That's better than I could ever hope to get."
"We have different standards," I reply coldly.
"Does it really make a difference? Your average is still high enough that any university will take you, if that's what you're worried about."
I don't bother saying anything else. He doesn't understand. He'll never understand. We're too different. At least I'm better than someone.
The bell rings to save me from one fate, only to lead me into another. Lunchtime. My stomach is begging for food, and I have a lunch, but…I can't eat it. I can't. I just can't. The idea of putting food inside of me where it will only make me more of a disappointment makes me sick. Bile rises in my throat, burning it, and I have to try to breathe. If I go to the cafeteria, I'll have to put up with the overpowering scent of food, Naruto's stupid girlfriend, Naruto himself, and everyone judging me whether I eat or not. It's hard enough to eat as it is.
"Are you coming?" Naruto says, already slinging his backpack onto his back
"No." I shove my things into my own backpack. "I need to practice the violin. The Christmas concert is on Friday." At least if I'm alone in a practice room, it won't be so hard to eat something.
"Oh." Naruto's face falls. "I'll see you in gym class then. I'll be at that Christmas concert too!"
For Hinata. Not me. I already learned at that Christmas party that I don't matter, so he should stop trying to make it seem otherwise.
And again I just prove that this bond we have does nothing but bring out the worst in me. I shouldn't expect anything of him just because we are supposedly friends. We barely know each other.
I'm too tired to do anything but trudge past the idiot toward the door, and I feel his eyes on the back of my head the whole time.
But we somehow know more about each other than words can convey.
And now a ninety-five percent.
Hands shaking, I grip the health assignment I was supposed to have done with Naruto. While he's busy cheering that this is the highest mark he has gotten on an assignment this year, I'm frozen. I can't process anything.
It's over. It's over. It's all over.
I take as deep a breath as I can without hurting my shoulder, and I blink rapidly to keep myself present. Part of me can't bring myself to be angry since I've now gotten worse grades in other classes. It's another mark on my report card that won't be perfect, but it almost feels like it doesn't even matter anymore; it's already been tainted since this morning.
But I have betrayed myself.
"See, it was that last question that we got wrong!" Naruto points out. "The one about how to tell if a friend is anorexic."
The comments say that we only listed the symptoms without actually writing about the experience, but what is that even supposed to mean? How am I supposed to know? This isn't supposed to be a test on empathy, but an assignment that makes us research mental illness.
"Well, it is kind of subjective," Naruto goes on even though I never replied to him in the first place. "I still don't know what we were supposed to say for that. You could ask Guy about it."
The sound of volleyballs making contact with the floor echoes through the gym, along with our classmates's shoes squeaking against the streaked floor. I'm still not allowed to participate in gym class, and Naruto is sitting beside me by the wall while waiting for his team to rotate members. He must realize I'm upset about my marks, which means even my efforts to look unaffected have failed. They fooled Sakura — she didn't even talk to me in physics today — but Naruto always seems to know. He drops a hand on my —
The world goes black. Agony rips through my shoulder. Pain engulfs me. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it's throbbing, but I can't tell him, I can't let anyone know —
"Sasuke!"
I look up, and Naruto's face is suddenly just millimetres from my own. His eyes meet mine, and I can't. It's too much. I avert my eyes and stare at the floor. My heart races as sweat prickles my forehead, and for once I feel hot.
This almost makes me want to go to Orochimaru. He promised he could make the pain go away. I still have his card in my drawer, and —
"Shit, Sasuke, what happened?" Naruto's eyes are wide with fear.
"Nothing," I pant. The iron taste of blood wets my mouth, and the little energy I had left is instantly drained.
"Do you need me to take you to the nurse's office? I know you like to act cool, but if you do that around me, I'll kill you!"
Kill me? He'll kill me? Even him? But, but I thought at least he wouldn't —
He grabs my hands, and my breath hitches in my throat. I hadn't realized my hands were still trembling, and I'm so warm I feel like I'm going to pass out. My heart is beating too fast, and breathing so harshly is just making my shoulder hurt even more, and I —
"I won't actually kill you, Sasuke. Anyway, come on, maybe nobody else heard you over the sound of everyone playing volleyball, but I did!"
"What?" I manage to say.
"You yelled when I touched you! I've never heard you make a sound like that before."
He lets go of me, and I take the chance to shift away from him. "Yeah. My ribs still hurt. There's a reason I can't participate in gym until January."
"The hell? I touched your shoulder, not your ribs!"
I can't think straight. The world is doing cartwheels, and I have to shut my eyes to keep the nausea away. Shutting down one sense makes it a little easier to think and breathe.
"Tendonitis. From practicing too much."
Naruto gasps. "It can seriously get that bad? I know you want to play well, but you can't let it get to the point that you probably can't even play at all!"
"I know."
"Do you want me to take you to the nurse's office?"
"No."
Silence falls between us as the pain ebbs away. Naruto's team is taking too long to rotate. They must be terrible if they can't get a point from the other team. I didn't want to sit with Naruto — I'd normally just work in Guy's office — but I've had no choice but to go over the results of our assignment with him, even though I didn't let him do anything.
"You've been avoiding me."
He sounds quieter than usual, and even though I refuse to make eye contact with him, I can still tell he is looking at me.
"I can't avoid you. We have classes together."
"Well, what I mean is that you've been distant. I know Sakura lied this morning, but I didn't call her out on it because she looked really down."
Even though Naruto is academically an idiot, his emotional intelligence is too high. I guess he's not a complete fool, but his probing only makes me even more irritated. It's enough having to deal with my academic failures and their inevitable consequences, but the pain in my shoulder and stomach already has me at my limit.
"You don't talk to me anymore," he continues, "and if you do, it's nothing meaningful. You ignore me when you can. It's like you don't want to be friends anymore."
"Because I don't."
The words fall out of my mouth before I can stop them. I said I wanted to sever our bond, but for some reason, my chest is starting to hurt as much as my shoulder does. Being best friends has only hurt me, so it can't be worth having this bond.
But trying to break it hurts too.
Naruto's face crumbles. The light in his eyes dies. I've broken him. My pain does nothing but devour those who stand in its way.
He smiles, and despite what I just said, it looks genuine. "I don't believe you. I see the look on your face. We've only known each other a few months, but I think we're pretty good friends. This is all because of Hinata, isn't it?"
Rage simmers inside me. "Why would it be?" I snap.
He looks out into the volleyball courts. "I don't know. Maybe because I'm spending more time with her. I didn't invite you to play video games at my house last weekend because I went out with her. But she's really nice, and if you gave her a chance, I think you guys could be friends too."
Suddenly, the sound of someone stomping around intensifies. That dog-breath guy comes sprinting toward us, then slides into a sitting position beside Naruto.
"What's up, Naruto?" Kiba's face red is from exertion. "Talking about your girlfriend again?"
"Who else?" Naruto grins.
"You're a lucky man, Naruto," this other moron says as he ties his shoes. "She's got the personality and the body."
"Kiba!" Naruto punches him in the shoulder, and Kiba falls to his side, laughing.
"Come on, you can't lie to me and tell me you've never looked at them before." He sits back up and undoes the cap on the water bottle he had left by the wall. "They're pretty hard to miss."
"Whatever, just drink your water and go!" Naruto says, and the light is back in his eyes. I'm unnecessary.
"Fine, fine. See you, Naruto, Sasuke!" Kiba raises a hand in acknowledgement before running back to the court.
"What a creep," Naruto says, his face red. "I'll have to protect Hinata from slimy perverts like him, though I'm pretty sure she could beat them up on her own just fine too."
"No one cares, Naruto." I sigh. "Not as many people look at her as you think they do."
Naruto cocks his head. "Seriously? It's not the most important thing, but, well, she does have a nice figure."
I roll my eyes. "Breasts are nothing but useless lumps of flesh."
"Hey!" Naruto's face goes even redder. "Wait, are you joking?"
"Why would I be?" I don't understand the shocked expression on Naruto's face. He's looking at me like I've just grown another head.
"Boobs are part of what make a woman sexy!"
"I don't think so."
Naruto knits his brows. "Really? You're the first guy I've ever met who thinks that."
"I don't know what it is about them that is so fascinating to you," I say. The last thing I wanted to talk about was the female body.
"Are you sure you're not kidding? I mean, haven't you ever been attracted to a girl before?"
I pause. I've never really thought about it before. I guess I've never been interested in anyone. I've always been too busy with school to even think about romance. Besides, I know that Father will marry me off to someone, probably a second cousin I've never heard of, once I become of age. It's what I've expected my whole life, and I've never felt anything that makes me want to reject that.
"Naruto, your youth is awaiting you!" Lee suddenly springs up from the courts, and Naruto flashes a smile at me before bouncing off. Why would he even ask me if I've ever been attracted to a girl? Is it because he's insecure about his own sexuality? Just because I've never been attracted a girl before doesn't mean anything. In fact, it would make things more difficult since it would interfere with my future. It's not like I've ever liked a guy before either, so there isn't anything to worry about. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't mean anything.
…
Backstage is silent except for the faint sounds of the Beginner Orchestra shrieking in the auditorium upstairs, as well as the shuffling of everyone from the Master Orchestra waiting to go on stage.
Instead of talking to me like she usually does before a concert, Sakura is standing at the other end of the room, silently practicing her fingerings as she scans the sheet music. I don't know if she's unprepared for this or if she just doesn't know what to say to me — she never did talk to me after psych class even when she looked like she had something to tell me. I haven't asked her why she lied to Naruto for me either. Still, now isn't the time for conversation; we'll disrupt the so-called performance if we make any noise, and we both have more important things to focus on anyway.
My shoulder still aches. I thought it would be better by now, but the bruising is still as intense as before. I'll be okay to play as long as I move my arm gently and try not to lift it, but…I wonder if I broke my shoulder or my shoulder blade. It wouldn't matter if I did; it's not like medical intervention could do anything about it except put my arm in a sling, which I can do in private. I'll be fine.
The faint sound of clapping drifts into the room. "It's time," Kurenai whispers from the top of the staircase, and then the nervous mumbling starts as everyone climbs up to the auditorium.
The stage curtains are open, but the lights are too bright to see anyone in the audience. Still, it's obvious people are there; their chatter is annoying. Naruto promised to be here, but maybe he won't even come until the chamber group performance; after all, Hinata won't be playing until then.
No. I'm supposed to sever my bond with him. I'm not supposed to think about him. Bonds only cause pain.
I take my usual concert master seat and set my sheet music on the stand. The Christmas music we're playing is silly - 'Jingle Bells' and 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas' - though I guess the selections from The Nutcracker Suite are okay. The two movements from Souvenir de Florence I'll be replaying with the chamber group later are better.
I feel a light tap on my good shoulder. "Good luck," Sakura smiles as she walks behind me, but it has some fake quality to it. I wasn't sure if she would even talk to me today.
Kurenai raises her baton, and the audience hushes into silence. I have to be careful, or I won't be able to play properly for the rest of the night. Grimacing, I first lift my violin with only my forearm, then slowly raise my shoulder, biting my lip as the pain starts to trickle in, but I manage to lift it high enough without wrecking my composure. Kurenai then nods at me, and her baton hits the first beat.
The first few beats are my violin solo. As the only one playing, I need to be perfect, and that isn't an issue; this piece is so easy that its mind numbing, even if it is a fancier version of 'Jingle Bells' than normal.
Maybe it doesn't matter. I already learned that I can't find refuge in music anymore. I can't even remember the last time I was happy.
Life was so much easier before all of this. I grew up in the city I was born in and always had Father, Mom, and Nii-san with me. I always did well in school. I was just a child; nothing much was expected of me. It wasn't this hard. I didn't have to worry about Nii-san never being around, Mom being stuck between life and death, Father never seeing anything worthwhile in me. I just had to get good grades. That's all it took for them to accept me, and now I've lost all of it. Even if I find a way to redeem myself, I might never get any of that back.
Now I'm just empty.
Maybe I'm romanticizing the past. I've been trying to catch up to Nii-san for as long as I can remember so that Father would acknowledge me. My life has always been a mess; it's just worse now. Part of me wonders if any of this is even real. The people around me are like dolls, and maybe I am one too, or just a brain in a vat. I'm watching an old movie unfold before me, one I'm not invested in, and nothing matters. Nothing affects me. All the colours have faded into grey. It's better this way. I can just sit here and not have to feel anything. My shoulder and stomach don't even hurt. Feeling is overrated anyway.
My body stands as Kurenai motions it to, but I didn't know that our whole performance had ended. I can't even pay attention anymore; I'm just going through the motions.
The rest of the orchestra exits the stage as Sakura and I stay behind, tasked with putting away the extra chairs and stands. It feels so meaningless. The audience is mostly parents and friends who feel obligated to be here. They don't want to be here. Not even the people in the orchestras care whether they come or not.
At least they have parents.
Their voices blend together like background noise from behind a door, and everything is shrouded in fog. I don't understand. Why am I even putting all these chairs away? How am I putting them away? My body is on autopilot; I'm not doing anything. Is this real? Am I real? I can't —
"Sasuke!"
I jerk away, and pain rams into my shoulder. The chair I was holding clatters to the ground, but my shoulder is throbbing too hard to pick it up.
Sakura. It's Sakura.
"Wow, you were really zoned out." She stares at me as she picks up the chair. "Are you okay?"
I'm tried of people constantly asking if I'm okay. How can they expect me to be okay if they can't let me forget that I'm not?
I shake my head. "I'm fine." I'm not.
Despite the pain coursing through me, my head is still stuck in the fog. What just happened? What did Sakura just say to me? I answered her somehow, but I don't even know what we were talking about. I need to get out of this mess. The Master Orchestra pieces were easy enough, but I have to focus now. If I don't, I could make a mistake, and as the only first violin, that would be disastrous. I'd embarrass myself and my family. I have to fight this.
As I grab another few chairs to put away, I squint through the lights and try to focus on the faces in the audience, anything to help me concentrate on what is around me instead of inside me. Now that my eyes have adjusted to the light, I can see some faces. Mostly parents and empty seats, then…
Nii-san.
Nii-san.
Smiling, he waves at me from the first row. For the first time in a while my chest feels light, and my lips curve upward enough to almost be called a smile.
Nii-san is here. He wasn't supposed to be home until the weekend, but he's here. Everything is going to be okay. Nii-san is here. He's here for me.
And then the feeling is gone. Sitting beside him in a suit and tie is Father. His arms are crossed, and his face hasn't shifted from its nearly permanent frown. He's here too. He's going to watch me perform. It won't be like last time that he was barely in the room during the performance. He is going to sit here and pay attention. He might just see me.
I need to play perfectly. Nii-san is never anything but perfect. Nii-san always smiles at me and supports me, but he'll be ashamed if I don't perform well enough, and so will Father. They can't call me family if I can't even do half of what Nii-san does. I have to catch up to him if I want Father to think of me as his son too.
Besides…once he sees my report card, he'll be disappointed in me. I have to do at least something right.
"Hurry up," a voice says, and I turn to see Neji glaring at me. The rest of the chamber group members have already arrived and are helping to finish arranging the stage. I have to focus. Nii-san is here.
We start tuning soon after, and the noise of the crowd dies down. Trying to not aggravate my shoulder more than I have to, I slowly lift the violin, then make eye contact with the group members. Nodding, I start.
The first movement is still relatively simple note-wise — I just need to play the dynamics and accents correctly. Nii-san and Father are watching. I just have to brave the pain for another ten minutes. I can do this. I haven't practiced for nothing. I have to prove myself, especially in light of recent failures.
A few idiots clap at the end of the first movement, but I ignore them as I lead the group into the fourth movement instead of the second one. We have time restraints that keep up from playing the entire piece, and it's better for my shoulder not to play too long anyway. The pain is building, and even though I'm keeping it as immobile as possible, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep the pain at bay. This movement is fast, but there are a lot of patterns in the notes, so it's not overly hard. If it were my right shoulder that was injured, this would not be going nearly as well.
I grimace as I rip the last quick note across the string, and after a deafening moment of silence, the audience claps wildly. Slowing lowering my arm — immediately there is some relief from the pain — I stand and motion to the other members of the chamber group before bowing and exiting the stage. I power walk as fast as I can to the music room so I can put my instrument away and go home; I need to see Nii-san.
"Sasuke!" Sakura calls from behind me, and then I hear her pace quicken until she falls in stride with me. "Why are you in such a hurry?"
"My brother came back early for New Year's," I say as the music room comes into view.
"That's great!" she says. "I was going to ask if you wanted to go out with me, Naruto, and Hinata after this for hot chocolate, but if you're busy, that's okay!"
"Your smile is fake." Sai pops up beside Sakura. "I learned that from the book you helped me pick out from the library."
She scowls. "It's not fake, Sai! Sasuke's brother is more important right now!"
I didn't know she and Sai talked to each other, but then again, the world moves on whether I'm aware of it or not. Was she trying to ask me out on a double date? She has to realize that I don't reciprocate her feelings; we only have some common interests.
But now that school is over for the year, this is my last chance to ask.
"Sakura," I say, "why did you lie to Naruto?"
She immediately goes silent. Her face is overcast, and it's like her eyes are permanently stuck looking toward the ground.
Sai laughs. "This is what they call a tense conversation, isn't it?"
"Not now, Sai!" Sakura frowns, and then she stops as we reach the end of the hallway. Neji, Hinata, Sai, and the others walk past us, and then the music room door closes in front of us. We're alone now.
"You're talking about psych class, aren't you?" she says.
"Unless you've lied to him other times."
"Well…" She looks up as if trying to think of what to say. "You looked really upset right before you left the party, and I didn't think it was right for Naruto to make you talk about it before you were ready."
"What do you —"
"Excellent work, Sasuke."
I spin around. Nii-san is here. He's smiling.
"Nii-san!" I exclaim as I slip back into Japanese. "You're back!"
For a moment, Nii-san just stands there, and the smile on his face vanishes. He stares at me intently.
"What?" I say.
He looks away from me to nod at Sakura. "Thank you again for looking after our mother."
"Oh, it's no problem at all!" Sakura waves her hands in protest. "It's just part of my job. I start co-op again next term, so maybe I'll see you again more often!"
Nii-san smiles at her, then looks back me. "Father is waiting in the car. I'll wait for you to put that instrument away."
Without another word, I rush toward the music room, nearly running into Tayuya, and hastily shove the music folder back into the pile. It's surprisingly quiet — it's only the chamber group left in here since all the other strings groups have performed, and the bands have a different music room.
"Remember, Uchiha, that we start practice again after the break," Neji stares me down, but I don't even look at him. I just nod in reply, then pack up the instrument and race out of the room.
Nii-san stands alone in the hallway — I don't know what happened to Sakura — and he again smiles at me. We start down the hallway toward the exit together, and then he clears his throat.
"Sasuke," he says. "How have you been?"
That same question again, but Nii-san hasn't seen me in a while, so it's only natural. "I'm fine. What about you? How is your dissertation going?"
"It is going as well as expected," he replies, but then looks at me closely. "Are you sure you are fine? Have you been taking proper care of yourself?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"I am just making sure that everything is running smoothly during my absence. Now, what happened to Mother's violin?"
I grimace. He noticed. "I'm having the fingerboard planed." Lying to Nii-san hurts even more than my shoulder does.
"And how are your ribs?" he says as he opens the exit door for me. The cold blasts me in the face. The low temperatures here are unbearable.
"They've healed."
"That is good to hear." Despite still smiling as we walk to the car, something shifts in his face that makes him look more relaxed. "I worry about you. You seem unwell."
My heart plummets in my chest. I've worked so hard toward bettering myself for the sake of my family, and I look even worse than before? I thought I had been doing well. It must just be my shoulder that is taking a toll on me and my stamina. There is no way I look worse.
But Nii-san says I do. He wouldn't lie. I have to work even harder now. I'm so tired, so tired of constantly exercising and cutting more food out of my diet, and now I have to try harder. It's like nothing I do is ever good enough. Should I try restricting more calories? Should I try becoming vegetarian? Pescatarian? I need to do something.
"Sasuke!"
I look up to see Naruto rushing toward me through the darkness of the parking lot, holding Hinata's hand as she struggles to keep up with him. "You guys were awesome!"
"Hello, Naruto." Nii-san bows slightly. "Thank you for continuing to look after my little brother."
Naruto looks taken aback, but then he grins. "You can count on me! Sasuke's great! Anyway, Sasuke, remember that the Christmas party is tomorrow night, okay? See you then!
Before I can even say anything, he skips off with Hinata, who quickly bows at both me and Nii-san before getting dragged away.
It disgusts me. She got what she wanted even though she never did anything for him. I didn't see Sakura with them even though they were supposed to all go out together, so now Hinata even gets a private date with him too.
But none of this has anything to do with me. It shouldn't bother me.
Anger swirls inside me, but I try to maintain my composure as I open the Ferrari door and buckle myself into the backseat.
"You did well, Sasuke."
My head shoots up. Father doesn't move a muscle, doesn't even look at me through the rear view mirror as Nii-san gets into the front passenger seat, but I swear I heard him say that. It was Father.
Father said I did well.
My chest feels light. It's real. I'm not a complete failure.
"Thank you." I lower my head. "I'll continue to work hard."
"But you haven't practiced all week, and it showed," he says. "You're capable of more."
Dread latches onto me. I couldn't rehearse because of my shoulder, but I did everything else I could: studying the markings, practicing the bowings, going over the fingerings. But it's no excuse. I failed him again. If he considers that performance disappointing, I don't want to think of what awaits me once he sees my report card.
But he said I'm capable. If I just practice more, I can meet his standards, no matter how high they are. I just have to try harder. I don't want to disappoint him.
"You are too harsh, Father," Nii-san says as he buckles his seatbelt. "I thought his performance was fantastic. What was lacking was his violin."
I try to smile, but I can't. I don't know if I can believe him anymore.
The engine rumbles as Father turns the car on and pulls out of the parking low. Now that Nii-san is home for a few weeks, maybe I'll get a reprieve from his punishments. It'll almost be like normal again. I haven't lived with this many of my family members at the same time in five years.
"I arrived here while you were in school, actually." Nii-san looks over his shoulder at me from the front. "I made miso soup and fish for dinner. We can eat dinner together as a family again."
Dinner.
I was going to just eat a few rice balls, but now I'm expected to eat a multiple course meal. I can't do that. It's too much food.
But Nii-san made it.
But he already said I look terrible, and I can't afford to let my appearance get any worse. My grades are already slipping. If I can't play the part I'm supposed to, I can at least look it.
But Nii-san wants to be a family again.
But it's not family without Mom.
A wave of nausea washes over me. The idea of sitting down for a family dinner without Mom feels wrong. She is supposed to be here. It's not family without her. She's missing. I can't just eat with Father and Nii-san and pretend that nothing is wrong, that it's normal. It's not. It's one thing to eat with just Nii-san or just Father, but to eat with both of them and have her missing…I can't do it. Are we supposed to just go on without her like she doesn't exist anymore? What has been the point of keeping her alive if we're expected to move on and forget about her? We can't. I can't. I can't as long as she's still stuck somewhere been life and death.
It's not a family dinner if she isn't here.
"What do you think, Sasuke?"
I snap my head up to see Nii-san looking at me, a gentle smile on his face. I have no idea what he and Father were talking about.
"Don't ask him," Father says gruffly. "He's not like you were at his age."
Another string inside me breaks. I shouldn't even care — I don't even know what they were talking about — but it's obvious that what I have to think has never mattered to Father. I've never been the person he wishes I was. I've never lived up to his expectations. Of course he thinks I don't matter.
"But it is exactly because of his lack of experience that he may be able to see the situation from a different perspective," Nii-san says. "He may notice things that do not seem as obvious to us."
Except for the sound of the engine running and our quiet breaths, the car is silent, but I can sense Father scowling. I can't even understand why he asked me to move here from Japan. I agreed to it because I thought things would be different this time. I didn't think it would end up this way.
"…what do you have to say for yourself, Sasuke?"
I don't know. He isn't acknowledging me; he's acknowledging Nii-san and trusting his opinion. I don't matter to him. Instead of getting upset about it, it's easier to just accept it. It's the way things have always been, after all. I don't need to feel anything.
But it hurts.
"I need time to think about it."
Lies.
We finally pull into our driveway, but I don't unbuckle my seatbelt even though Father and Nii-san are already getting out of the car. If I walk into that house, I'll have to eat dinner, and I'll have to eat it with everyone but Mom.
"Get inside." Father motions toward the front entrance. I gulp, then unfasten my seatbelt before exiting the car.
The moment I walk through the doorway, I am assaulted by the smell of food. It makes my mouth water, but my insides turn. Nii-san is setting the table while Father sits to read the newspaper, but Mom isn't here serving rice like she always did.
My stomach gurgles. I'm starving, but this isn't right. I can't eat this much, and I just want my family back.
"I can't eat tonight," I blurt out. "I'm not hungry. I don't feel well."
Nii-san sets down a bowl filled with miso soup on the table, then walks over to me. He puts a hand on my forehead. "You do feel warm, but it is not a fever. You should try to eat at least a little bit."
How many calories are in miso soup? Are there onions in it? Tofu? There can't be that many — probably 100 calories — but any calories are practically too many already. Still, if it's only soup, it should be okay; I had allotted a small dinner, and miso soup qualifies as a small dinner. I don't even have to eat all of it.
But Mom isn't here.
"You do not need to help set or clear the table, but sit for at least a few minutes." Nii-san says. "I know this is hard, but this is reality."
Reality.
He's right. I'm weak. I can't fall prey to my emotions like this. It's just eating with other people at a table. I can do this. I'm not some snivelling child. I have to grow up.
I sit by Father, who still hasn't looked up from his newspaper. He takes a swig from his glass before pounding it down on the table. I feel fear creep up inside me as I realize that the liquid in it is clear, but it doesn't smell. Father doesn't smell like alcohol.
It's water. I don't know if Father served it himself or if Nii-san did, but it's only water. Relief washes over me. He's trying.
Nii-san takes his seat across from me as he sets down his own bowl of miso soup. "Itadakimasu." (2)
Father and I mumble the same thing, but unlike the both of them, I don't start to drink from my bowl right away. I just stare at it instead. The broth is the usual brown colour, and bits of onion and tofu float around, taunting me. I want to eat it. I don't want to eat it.
I bite my lip. I just realized. To eat soup, I have to pick up the bowl (3). It means I'll have to lift my arms, and I don't know how much more pain I can tolerate today.
I can make up an excuse. I can say I have tendonitis in my arm. But Nii-san isn't stupid. He would know that my right arm, my bow arm, would be more likely to have tendonitis if it's from playing the violin. He's too smart for that.
But I've already lied to him so many times. How many more times will I have to? When will this end?
Or I can just brave the pain. If I don't move my shoulder while lifting my arm, it shouldn't be too bad. I'll have to hunch over, but it'll be fine.
Grimacing, I move my shoulder as little as I can to slowly lift the bowl to my lips. The soup is hot, so I blow on it before taking a small sip.
Just before I can think it tastes like home, I'm wrong. There's something off. It still tastes fine, good even, but it's not the same. My stomach greedily accepts it, yet I can't bring myself to have more. The warmth of the broth is a welcome change — I'm still so cold — but when I think of what the calories are doing to me, I can barely keep it down.
The table is silent except for the quiet sounds of slurping, Father turning the pages of the newspaper, and the clink of china against the table. I can't be the only one disturbed by this dinner. It's unnatural. The fact that I can barely bring myself to eat just makes it worse.
"How is school?" Nii-san says. Father doesn't look up from his newspaper, but his eyes seem to have stopped scanning the page.
"Fine."
"I see you've become good friends with Naruto Uzumaki. It is important to treasure your bonds."
"He's just another classmate." I spew nothing but lies. I just don't want to admit that he's my friend, especially not in front of Father. He doesn't approve of him. He's not supposed to be my friend anyway.
"But you are going to his party tomorrow." Nii-san smiles. "That is unusual for you to do."
"I…" I don't know. I haven't bought anything for Sakura like I was supposed to. I don't know if I can bear to be in the same room as Naruto and Hinata together. It's stupid and doesn't concern me, but…
"Don't forget the Uchiha Corporation party the day after tomorrow," Father says gruffly from behind his newspaper.
"I won't." I stare into my bowl of soup. I've barely touched it. I should try to have more — I'm still hungry — but I just can't. It smells like poison.
I miss Mom's cooking.
"Are you done?" Nii-san reaches out to take my bowl. They've already finished.
I shake my head. "I still don't feel well."
"Just finish your soup, and then you can go. Father and I have to go back to the office after dinner. I will be assisting him at work until I return to school."
I look back down at my bowl. The bowl seems endless. No matter how much I sip at it, it still looks full. I don't know why Nii-san is so insistent on me finishing it. Maybe he's trying to recreate a normal family dynamic by sharing a full meal together, but it's too late for that.
I take another sip. The tofu pieces are too big, and I feel them slide down my throat. The broth is salty. It already feels like I've been eating for too long. Still, I was planning on having dinner anyway. The only reason this is so hard to eat is because it's supposed to be a family dinner, but it's not Mom's food. I shouldn't have a problem just having some soup.
Father and Nii-san are discussing something about the company and are nearly done their dinner, and I still have more soup in this bowl. I've eaten so much already. If I take the bowl to the sink to clear the dishes and just dump the rest, Nii-san won't bother me about it anymore.
But then I'll have betrayed his trust again. Still, I just can't bring myself to eat anymore. I'm still hungry, but I'll vomit if I eat more. I can't do it.
"Gochisousama (4)," I say as I take my bowl to the sink using my good arm. I quickly run the water before Nii-san can ask me anything, and the brown liquid in the bowl overflows and soon turns clear. If I try to take Father and Nii-san's dishes, it will look unnatural only using one arm — my shoulder is already starting to throb again. I'll have to brave the pain.
Nii-san smiles. "I hope you enjoyed your dinner. I will be leaving with Father now."
I nod as I hold my breath and grab Father's and Nii-san's dishes. Pain races through my shoulder, and I just close my eyes as I return to the sink. As I start to load the dishwasher, I feel a warm hand on my good shoulder.
"Just get some rest. You do not look well," Nii-san says. "And thank you for loading the dishwasher."
He turns away, and my mouth twitches. I'm glad he still cares about me even after everything I've done, but the constant reminder of how ugly I am just makes me feel worse. I'm already sick to my stomach.
I can't do this.
The words in the textbook keep blurring in and out of focus, and nothing I manage to read stays with me. I'm so cold, so tired, so hungry, that I can't. Exams are next month, and I need to study so that my grades are at least all A's, but nothing is helping. The less I can study, the greater the weight on my shoulders, and I'm sinking. I can't be this worthless. I'm supposed to be better.
The sun is streaming into my bedroom window onto my desk. The house is quiet. Both Father and Nii-san are working, so this should be the perfect environment to study, but it's not working. My head isn't working. The quadratic formula isn't supposed to be hard, and I don't even need to memorize the equation, but none of it is making sense. All the numbers, letters, symbols are blending together into an incoherent mess. At this rate, I'll never get into Harvard, let alone Todai (5). I won't even be worthy of an entry level job at Father's company if I can't get into a prestigious university. My entire future is based on how well I can memorize and spit out this material I won't even need after high school, and if I fail now, it'll destroy everything.
It's not fair.
But life isn't fair.
My phone vibrates beside my math textbook, and the preview alone makes me groan.
Bastard, where are you? The party started an hour ago!
I can't go. I need to fulfill my basic duties before I can even think of leisure, but going to Naruto's stupid party would be more exhausting than anything else. He's just going to stare at Hinata, which is fine, because staring at him is all she's ever done for him either. It's nauseating.
But studying is the most important thing. I need to raise my grades. I need to maintain any honour I have left. I still haven't even bought a present for Sakura like I was supposed to. It doesn't matter anyway.
I'm not going.
The vibrations are causing my phone to push itself into my pencil case.
What the hell are you doing? Everyone is waiting for you!
No one is waiting for me, least of all Naruto.
I feel sick. I can't do this. Sleep is tugging at my eyelids, but I have to try to cram these formulas into my head and understand them…
…
The sweet sound of a violin curls around me and pulls me into a warm embrace. It's such a pure sound. 'Ave Maria'…It makes me feel like I'm home again.
At the other end of the sunflower field is someone standing there, playing her instrument as the breeze gently tussles her hair. The sun is bright, but her sunhat creates too many shadows on her face for me to know who it is.
Wait, 'Ave Maria'? That's Mom's favourite piece. Is it her?
I try so hard to run to her, to bridge the gap between us, but my legs won't move. I glance down, only to see the sunflowers have tangled around my ankles. Suddenly, they tug hard, and I'm being pulled, pulled down beneath the earth. I try to shout, but soil fills my mouth, and I can't breathe, I try to reach out for someone, but —
She's here.
She's smiling, laughing as she looks down on me, but she's not trying to help me. I just keep sinking, sinking…
Then falling.
My body smashes against the ground, and I break. A guttural sound escapes my throat, but it's not me. I don't feel anything. I'm numb, numb to everything.
Then dread rises inside me. I feel it. It's coming. The monster. Even in the darkness I see it rise from nothing, its eyes glinting at me.
"You killed her," it whispers as it comes closer to me. I can't run. My body doesn't work. I try to scream for someone, for Mom, for Nii-san, for him, but I choke on my words, and the monster rushes at me.
Pain explodes from inside me, and I shut my eyes. It grabs me by the throat, and I struggle to just breathe, but so many sensations are assaulting me, I can't process them. I'm being tossed around like a rag doll, thrown against the ground, twisted, the carpet burning my face, and —
CRACK
Agony blasts my shoulder and I can't do this anymore, i just can't, please someone help me somebody naruto i can't do this why why whY —
With a sharp intake of breath, I shoot straight up in my seat. My heart is about to break through my chest. Sweat is dripping down my face, and my shoulder feels like it is going to explode. I gasp for air as I shield my eyes from the blinding moonlight.
It was just a dream. That's it. Nothing happened. I'm okay.
But I still can't breathe.
I scramble for my inhaler in my backpack, shove it in my mouth, and inhale. It's going to be okay.
But my chest is still heavy, and I can't keep my eyes open. I feel horrible. Even though I'm sweating, I'm so cold, and everything is fuzzy. Besides, it's nighttime already, and it's too quiet. Still trying to catch my breath, I glance at the clock.
3:27 AM. I missed the party.
Despite the dread I feel, I press the main button on my smartphone. The screen lights up with what looks like thousands of text notifications from Naruto, and I groan. I already feel terrible physically, and now I have to deal with this too. Well, I didn't want to go anyway.
My shoulder is throbbing. I try to steady my breathing, but it's impossible. The pain crashes into me in waves, and it's all I can do to breathe at all.
With a shaky hand, I open my drawer. The card stock with the address Orochimaru gave me sits there. He said he could take the pain away. It's risky, but I don't know how much longer I can take this.
I…
There is a soft knock at the door. "Sasuke?"
I slam the drawer shut just as the door creaks opens behind me. I try to sit up, but I don't even have the energy to turn around.
"You are finally awake," says Nii-san as he leaves the door ajar behind him. "I have been worried."
"I'm fine," I dismiss, but he comes closer and plants his hand on my forehead.
"You have a fever," he says. "You should go back to bed."
I don't meet his gaze. "I'm fine."
"Healthy people do not have fevers, Sasuke. You are sick."
My chest plummets into my stomach. Sick? But I have responsibilities. I already missed Naruto's party, and while I can study in bed, I need to exercise, and —
"What about Father's party? I have to —"
"Sasuke, I already told you. You are sick. You do not have to attend the party tomorrow. I will inform Father for you, so please, get some rest."
"But I —"
"If you do not rest now, you will stay sick for even longer," Nii-san says. "Do you want that?"
I scowl. "No."
"Then stay in bed. When I came home with Father and found you asleep, I called Naruto to let him know you were sick. He understood, so do not worry. Just go to sleep now."
He called him? Either they exchanged numbers at some point, or Nii-san went through my phone. I don't have anything on my phone to hide though, and he did me a favour. I know Naruto is going to try to contact me again tomorrow, but at least I won't have to make excuses.
I stand from my desk and trudge to my bed. Blood rushes down from my head to the rest of my body, and it makes me lightheaded. Feeling a rush of vertigo, I fall into my bed and breathe. Just breathe.
"Okay. Good night, Nii-san."
"Good night."
The door shuts. Darkness closes in.
The sound of classical music, gentle chatter, and tableware clinking floats up to my room, but the sound of my disgusting hacking drowns it out. My throat is raw from coughing so hard, but my chest is still heavy with phlegm. Nii-san insists that I don't use a blanket because I have a fever, so now I have to freeze too. The only good thing about being sick is that, for once, I'm not hungry. I didn't want to go to this party either, so maybe it's better that I'm sick. I can work in peace without having to socialize with anyone. It's just me. I have some time to finish up my final projects and start studying for exams before the end of the term. I can even rest my shoulder.
But my head feels so foggy.
After trying again for the umpteenth time to study, I sink into the single pillow on my bed, close my physics textbook, and sigh. I can't function at all right now. The words just blend into each other, creating sentences that don't make any sense, and all the formulas look the same. I don't understand any of it. I need to clear my head.
"I'm Hero, Hero Knight!"
I shake my head. A stupid screen name to match a stupid person. I don't know how he can draw as well as he does. I've been so busy that I've never looked up his work before, but…
I open up my laptop and type his absurd name into a search engine, and immediately multiple websites pop up: his social media accounts, his art, his blog, everything. When I click on the first link, his art blog, the numbers are astounding. Over fifty thousand comments, two hundred thousand followers, millions of page views…he wasn't joking when he said he was popular online. I guess this is how he stayed sane all those years no one would talk to him.
I scroll through the art, and this is definitely Naruto's page. That semi-realistic, somewhat messy, black and white art style could only belong to him. He uploaded the drawing of that boy with nine tails I had seen at his house, as well as drawings of nature and mythological characters. A surprising number of the recent drawings are based on Japanese folklore, but he adds a lot of unnecessary things he probably thinks are cool; adding that third eye to Kaguya-hime (6) is weird and doesn't mesh well with who she is supposed to be.
The knock on my door disrupts my focus, and I blink quickly; my eyes are dry from looking at the screen. I wait for Nii-san to open the door, but after a few seconds, the door stays shut. Finally, there is another tap, but it's too light to be someone knocking, and besides…it sounds like it's coming from outside.
There's no way it's a burglar. No one would rob a place like this in the middle of the day, especially when there are so many cars parked right outside.
But there is definitely someone outside my window.
I shut my laptop closed and slide it onto my desk. Just as I'm about to push myself out of bed, I hear a yelp, then a crash. I rush to my window, only to see someone lying on the ground beside the tree.
Naruto.
I push open the window with my good arm. "You idi—" I try to call out, but I start hacking into my hand, and pain bursts in my shoulder, and —
I take a deep breath as I slide to the floor. The room is spinning. I'm nauseous. I shouldn't have gotten up so quickly. I can't be this weak.
Somehow through the fog inside my head Naruto's voice still manages to reach me. "I'm okay!" he yells back. "I just need to figure out how to get up there!"
My mind is racing with so many thoughts that it's just making me even dizzier. There is a tree outside my window, but the branches aren't thick enough to guarantee that they'll hold his weight, and none of the branches are close enough to my window for him to make it in here unless he jumps, but even then, he'd probably miss. My bedroom is on the second floor too. He is going to hurt himself even more if he continues to do this. He should just go home. Why is he even here? Why can't he just use the front —
The party. It's questionable if Father would ever let him in at all, but during a fancy party like this, there is no way he would. To have some teenage boy in a bright orange jacket and denim jeans wandering through the entrance would disgrace him. Naruto must have knocked on the door — he doesn't have the social graces to know better — and then he resorted to trying to climb up to my room when he was turned away.
What an idiot. He shouldn't be here. I'm sick. He shouldn't want to catch what I have. It's not like he has homework to bring me or anything.
Also…I don't want him to see me like this. It's shameful.
Using the windowsill as support, I stagger upward and look back out the window. He's gotten up now, but his hair is a mess, his jeans are torn around the kneecaps, and he has grass stains all over his clothes. Still, his smile is as bright as always.
"I brought some stuff!" he says as he holds up a gym bag so tightly packed that it looks like the zipper is about to burst. He seriously thinks he can climb up a tree and jump through my window with all that? He shouldn't even be here. He should go home.
My heart starts racing, and suddenly I can feel just how bad my fever is. My legs are wobbling, and just as I am about to fall back into bed, there is a knock at the door, and it's real this time.
Nii-san sticks his head through the door, smiling. "Would you like me to open the front door for him?"
I freeze. How did he know Naruto was here? All I can hope for is that when Naruto knocked at the door, Nii-san heard and kept watch, knowing he is enough of an idiot to pull something like this. Otherwise, if Nii-san could hear what was happening just now from downstairs, he probably disturbed the whole party. If that is the case…Father might angry. He's been calm ever since Nii-san has come back, and I wanted things to stay that way for as long as possible.
But…things will go back to normal eventually, and when that happens, I…
Coughing, I manage to nod, and Nii-san leaves my door ajar as he walks away, letting the sounds of the party downstairs trickle in.
I didn't want to have to deal with anyone today. I thought that if I had to be sick during vacation, I could at least rest for a while, then get some work done. I could finally be alone.
But for some reason, I'm not entirely upset either.
The sound of someone's footsteps pounding against the stairs gets louder and louder until my door bursts open. As expected, it's Naruto. His face is red, and he's slightly out of breath. His condition looks even worse up close — there are minor cuts on his cheeks, and he has dirt on his nose. He even smells like grass.
"Hey! How are you feeling?" he grins.
I scowl. "You idiot. You could have killed yourself."
He rips his jacket off to reveal a T-shirt in the same colour, and he plops himself down on my floor, taking out everything he had stuffed in his bag. "So I brought a ton of movies on my laptop, some board games, my PS4, food —"
"You're not angry?"
I grimace. Why would I even say that? So childish. Why would I care if he's pissed I didn't go to his party? A lot of people were planning to go, and it's not like —
"Why would I be?" Naruto looks at me, confused. "Wait, you mean about you missing my party? I figured that you wouldn't skip it without a good reason, and then Itachi called me to tell me you were so sick that you had fallen asleep while getting ready. Anyway, I brought over this FPS, and —"
"Why are you here in the first place? I'm sick."
Naruto frowns and gives me this look like I'm the idiot here. "Because you're sick. You didn't get to come to my party yesterday, so I brought it to you, even if it's just the two of us. Besides, Itachi told me that he and your dad were going to be busy today, so I figured you might need someone around. You don't have to worry about me getting sick — I've never been sick in my life — but if you're so sick that you want me to leave, then —"
"It's fine."
Naruto's eyes widen momentarily, but then he flashes a smile. I thought all I would have wanted was for him to leave, but for some reason…I'm glad he's here. Besides, they say that idiots don't catch cold (7).
"So, what do you want to do first? I brought congee if you want something to eat, and we could watch a movie too. Take your pick!" He pops open the container of okayu (8) on the floor beside him as he takes out his laptop.
He'd think to bring me okayu? How would he know that? It's still steaming too. It actually smells good. I don't know if Naruto bought it on the way here or if he somehow made it himself, but it looks more than just edible. It's in a tupperware, not a takeout container, so maybe he did make it. Still, I'm not hungry. I shouldn't eat.
But if I'm sick, I should try to eat even just a little bit. Nii-san was busy preparing for the party this morning, but he did bring me some onigiri (9) for breakfast, of which I've barely eaten; two and a half out of the original three are on my desk.
I look up to see Naruto's open laptop, which is displaying a folder filled with video files. There are a bunch of animated movies, as well as the latest action films, and even an old samurai movie. The animated films are too childish, and the action movies have no plot. The best film here is probably The Sixth Sense, at least based on what I've heard about it.
"The Sixth Sense," I say, and Naruto immediately passes me the tupperware with congee, as well as a metal spoon. He then falls beside me into my bed, puts his laptop on his lap, and presses the play button.
He's close. Too close. I can feel his body heat. It's making me warm.
As the movie starts rolling, I stare into the container. I mix the okayu around with the spoon, and it looks fine. It's just disintegrated rice with green onions. Maybe his mom made him bring it.
My heart feels tight. Mom used to make this for me when I was sick. It's the first time someone has made me okayu since the accident.
I lift the spoon with my good arm and take a sip. It's too chunky, and it could use flavour, but it's still edible. Naruto probably made it.
…It's good.
Naruto makes these weird squeamish sounds throughout the movie, which isn't even that scary, and I force myself to have a few more spoonfuls of okayu. I glance over at the idiot, and he looks afraid, but genuinely happy. It's just the two of us. There is no one else around, but it's okay. No one has ever done this for me before. I didn't think anyone ever would. I try to push him away, but he always finds his way in. He knows what it is to be lonely, but that hasn't stopped him from trying to understand people. He's an idiot who eats nothing but ramen for lunch, but…
I stare down at the container of okayu still on my lap. I've eaten about half of it. Too much of it. How could I have been such a fool? I shouldn't have eaten so much, but —
"I had never actually seen the movie before," Naruto says as he shuts his laptop closed just as the credits started rolling. "I didn't think it was going to be so scary!"
I take as deep a breath as I can without hurting my shoulder. "There were a lot of hints that he was dead the whole time."
"I know, but that vomiting girl freaked me out." He shudders as he stands from my bed and rummages through his bag, finally pulling out a poorly wrapped gift. "I forgot, but even though I wasn't your Secret Santa, I got you something!"
I stare at it. Why would he get me something? I didn't need anything. Still, I should accept it.
"You could learn to wrap better, moron." I smirk as I lean over to put the container of okayu on my desk, then take the gift. It's large, but thin. Am I expected to open it now? (10)
"It's what's inside that counts!" He sticks his tongue out, then stops. "Aren't you going to open it?"
"Yeah," I say, frowning. I guess that answers my question.
I carefully unwrap the gift, and as the last pieces of wrapping paper fall to the side, I stop. It's a framed drawing of Hibiya Park done on bristol board.
"I overheard you and Itachi talking about Hibiya Park while you were in the hospital. I figured you probably miss home at least every once in a while and that this might help. Oh, and I also used the pencil you got me for my birthday!"
There's so much detail. He drew the fountain, all the trees, the Diet Building in the background, even the hordes of homeless people in their sleeping bags Nii-san and I were laughing about. I don't know how many hours this could have taken.
As much as it makes me want to go home, it makes me want to stay here too.
"Not bad, for an idiot," I say, and just as Naruto starts to look outraged, I turn away from him. I don't understand why he goes so far for me.
"Thanks."
I look back around at him. Naruto's face relaxes, and his grin is the brightest I've seen all day.
"Maybe we'll get to see it together someday! You guys made it sound really nice, and I've always wanted to go to To-"
"I got you something too," I say. It's the truth. I don't know why I did. I never intended to. I didn't even buy something for Sakura, who I was supposed to for that stupid Secret Santa thing, and I didn't even want to go to Naruto's party, but…
"Really?" Naruto looks surprised as I lean over to open the desk drawer and pull out a small, neatly wrapped package. Without asking, he rips off he wrapping paper, and his jaw drops.
"Copic markers?" His eyes twinkle. "Sasuke…"
He's speechless. The one thing that isn't an issue in my life is money, so at least there is something I can do right.
"Considering how you're optimistic to the point of idiocy, I'm surprised you don't already use more colour in your art." I smirk.
But Naruto doesn't even retort; he's too busy staring at the markers. I thought his smile couldn't get any bigger, but it does, and it's so warm, so bright that I can barely see anything. It blinds me, but…it almost makes me want to smile too. Before I can think of anything else to say, suddenly, Naruto bursts into laughter.
"What's so funny?" I glare at him.
He shakes his head. "Nothing. It's just, when we first met, you were such a bastard, and now…here we are."
He's right. I hated him from the moment I met him, but…I didn't either. I saw something inside him similar to me, so I stood up for him, but I would never have thought we'd end up so close to each other either. We're so different, but we're so similar. I just can't understand him at all.
I look at him. "Why do you go so far for me?"
With that, he looks at me seriously and without hesitation.
"Because we're friends."
I pause. He's told me that before, but I don't even know what he means by 'friend.' What is that supposed to mean to him? He has a lot of friends now. Does he do this with just everybody? Still, he has such conviction on his face…what an idiot.
"Dobe (11)." I start to shake my head, then stop. I let Japanese slip again. Why? Did I get another concussion? That was so —
"What did you call me?" Naruto raises his voice as he frowns, and he looks like he is ready to fight me.
A rush of panic runs through my veins, but I bite my lip. He's just kidding around. Naruto wouldn't do anything to me. I have to calm down. Just take a deep breath.
"Dobe. It means you're an idiot."
"Hey!" He laughs, and somehow, it almost makes me smile. For just a moment, it feels like everything is going to be okay.
"Hey, are you up for a video game? I brought a small TV we can hook the console up to, and…"
As he sits up to get whatever he needs out of his bag, his hand brushes against mine, and I jolt forward. I've felt this sensation before, that my hand is tingling, that my heart is about to burst out of my chest. I feel flushed, I can't look at him, I have this weird feeling running throughout my entire body, and…
…
No. It can't be.
…
I was supposed to sever my bond with this idiot, but…
…
Shit. I think I've fallen in love with Naruto Uzumaki.
(1) "Ochazuke" is green tea poured over rice, and people often eat it with toppings like seaweed, salmon, pickles, and so on. It's very easy to make and doesn't take a lot of time.
(2) This is said in Japan before eating a meal. It's similar to saying grace, and it translates to, "I will humbly receive this food."
(3) In Japan, soup is eaten by sipping from the bowl rather than using a spoon.
(4) This is said in Japan after one finishes a meal. It's like saying, "thanks for dinner."
(5) This is the short form of Tokyo University, the most prestigious university in Japan and one of the best in the world.
(6) Kaguya-hime, also known as Princess Kaguya, is from the story The Tale of the Bamboo Cutter. Aside from being the ultimate villain in the Naruto manga, she is supposed to be a beautiful princess sent to Earth from the moon as punishment for her sins, because it is on Earth that she learns what it is to love material things and lose them.
(7) This is a common idiom in Japan.
(8) "Okayu" is the Japanese term for congee, which is rice porridge, and people in many Asian countries often eat it when they're sick.
(9) "Onigiri" are rice balls.
(10) People don't always open presents right away in Japan, and when they do, they generally ask first if it is okay.
(11) This is something Sasuke often calls Naruto in the manga, and it basically means "idiot."
A/N: Finally, NaruSasu is starting to happen! I've put in a lot of hints throughout the last few chapters about Sasuke's feelings, so I hope you guys caught on to them before this chapter.
For those who aren't as familiar with psychology, the episode Sasuke went through during the Christmas concert is called dissociation, and it's relatively common in people who experience anxiety, abuse, or some kind of trauma.
Also, you might have noticed, but I've slowly been changing the language style over the past few chapters to reflect Sasuke acquiring more natural English from being immersed in it, as well as the influence Naruto and his classmates have had on who he is, which thus changes the kind of language he uses.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you'll review!
