Chapter 10 : Unwelcome
Hey guys, sorry it's been so long. It's just really hard to write this since it's going against my nature, but I really do like it so I definitely want to go on. Plus, I was busy with school, which is swallowing all my time at the moment. And besides that, I also have my beta work to do (You Might Die Trying, by Hayley, you really should read it because it's absolutely great, and original!) so I can hardly find time to write. But, I try!
I think you all will recognize some sentences in this chapter, that I took from New Moon. So I don't own them!
Enjoy reading :)
It was early in the morning, and I was walking around in my house. I hadn't gone out yet, simply because my mind was not up to it. Currently I was standing in the kitchen, debating whether I should go hunting or not.
"Go away!" I said without thinking.
I hadn't heard the footsteps or smelled the scent of honey, lilac and the sun itself. But somehow I felt the presence of the person I didn't want to see. A few seconds later the footsteps stopped behind me.
"No. I won't go away till you've listened to me." The velvet voice said.
"Edward, how many times do I have to say it: I am not interested. I don't want to listen to you. Don't you see that you are not welcome?" I said, turning around to face him.
I hardened my face so it would be harder for him to see through my lies. Of course the love of my existence was welcome in my house. If he had loved me back, he would be more than welcome. But now, I didn't want him to be here. It would remind me too much of how my life could have been if Edward had loved me the way I loved him.
"Yes, I can see that. But I don't care. I want you to listen to me."
"How about a deal: I listen to you and then you leave."
His eyes, pitch black from the lack of hunting, narrowed. His lips pressed together into a hard line, and I could help but gulp at the sight of his anger.
e in my house. xistance .chen, debating in my house
gh my lies.
un itself. "No. I don't want a deal-"
"You really should go hunting, you know. Your eyes are too black to be normal." I interrupted him.
His eyes narrowed again. "And when I come back, you'll be gone."
I sighed. He knew me too well. "Probably, yes."
"That's why I won't go hunting. I won't lose you again. I will stay here."
I sighed. I hated to see him in pain, and I knew from experience that it was really not good your eyes were that black. Your throat was burning the entire time, swallowing up everything else. After a while all you could think of was blood and the ways to get some.
To me, that wasn't dangerous. I was not attracted to human blood, so the only thing I had to worry about was exposure. I still avoided thirstiness, and not only because of the pain. I already received a lot of attention, so it would be very dangerous because people could notice it.
"What if I go with you? I won't be out of your sight then, so you won't lose me. Besides, I need to hunt as well." I said with a low voice. I hadn't even considered it, but as soon as it came up to my mind, I knew it was the best solution for this problem.
But he shook his head.
"No. If I am too distracted you'll take your chance and leave Forks immediately. And then I won't be in time to stop you."
I gulped.
"Fine then, say what you want to say and then go hunting. I hate to see you in pain."
"So you do care after all." He suddenly said, sounding more emotional than before.
I glared at him, getting irritated. I saw him flinch a bit, but I ignored that.
"I told you before, I still love you. Of course I care. I don't want to see you in pain, just because you don't love me."
This time I couldn't ignore the sharp intake of breath and waited for him to say something.
He started shaking his head again and then locked our eyes. I couldn't break away, though I seriously wanted to. His black eyes were scaring me a bit, because I remembered them being gold, topaz and many other colors. I could even imagine him with the emerald green eyes he had when he was dying. But this was different.
"I think I owe you an apology. No, much more than that. I think I need to explain every-"
"I don't need an apology, Edward. I gave you up many years ago. I don't want you to act this way, just to make me feel better. I know you don't love me, you made that pretty clear all those years ago." I said, interrupting him again. I winced slightly at the memory.
Shock crept across his face again, just like yesterday. I felt like I was repeating myself over and over again. Was this never going to end?
"You still think I am acting like I love you?" I just nodded.
"Don't you remember anything that I told you?" He asked, his voice suddenly filled with a sadness I didn't understand. Was he sad because I could see through him?
"I remember everything that you told me." Including the words that negated all the rest.
"Don't you understand then? I left you because I loved you! I wanted to protect you from a world were you would be too vulnerable! I didn't want you to get hurt. After Jasper attacked you, I could finally see how great my love for you was. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you ever got hurt." His voice broke at the end, and suddenly I could see the old, almost-human Edward in him. It was almost like he was human, except for the fact that he was not.
I gulped, but then regained the control that threatened to slip through my fingers.
"But it all didn't help, did it? I was changed anyway, though out of your reach. Starting the life I wanted so badly with you, without you. Your attempts to save me failed. It just got worse."
"I didn't understand what I would do to you. Not until I could actually feel it, yesterday." He shook his head again, trying to pull himself together. "I had no idea…" He trailed off, and I grabbed the chance to say what I had prepared all those years ago, what I kept saying to myself when I finally gave up on him.
"You never came back. You didn't let me know that you were okay. You didn't come back to check on me, to see if I was okay." My voice broke, and I took a breath to calm myself.
"If you really loved me, you wouldn't have broken every promise you ever did to me." I said, gaining confidence when I realized that besides the promises I wanted to throw at him, he had broken another one.
He looked up, his eyes full of sorrow. But I ignored it again, and went on.
"First, when I was laying in the hospital after James attacked me. You said to me: 'I'll stay with you as long as you need me. I swear.' After that, you changed it into 'As long as it makes you happy.' And then you changed it again. 'As long as it's best for you" you said." I took a deep breath, my voice threatening to break.
"I never stopped needing you. I was never happy after you left me. You were the source of my happiness. And you… you were the best thing that ever happened to me."
If I could have cried, I definitely would have been at that moment. I could barely control the pain that was threatening to take me down again. But this time, I decided to stay strong, and suppressed the Bella-like feelings that made me want to jump in his arms, and never let him go. I knew that if I would lose control again, that would be exactly what I would do. And that moment was coming closer every minute.
"And then, when you said goodbye, you said it would be like you never existed. But that didn't happen either. You said I wouldn't remember you. But I never forgot you. And the stuff you left under my floorboards, that I didn't find until a few days ago, proved to me that you never meant to let me forget you. You lied to me. If you really loved me, you wouldn't have done that to me." I finished my speech.
I didn't look at Edward. This hurt me so much, and I didn't want to see his eyes that probably would be cold again.
Then he spoke up, and I gulped at the sound of his vulnerable voice.
"Bella- Sorry." He said when I snarled at him. "I wanted you to have a normal life. I wanted you to live and have your happy ever after."
"My happy ever after would have been with you, if you had wanted me."
I felt my control slip through my fingers, and I couldn't fight the sob that came out of me. I immediately held my hands up to prevent him to come closer. When I looked up, I could see that was exactly what he wanted to do. But I wasn't going to let him close to me again. I knew that I would snap then, and I didn't want him to see how much he hurt me. He was going to feel sorry for me then, and then starting to blame himself. I was going to prevent that as long as possible.
I didn't know if I was already too late, after the incident yesterday. I knew he had heard my thoughts, as far as they were thoughts at all, and all the feelings that came over me. I didn't know what he had heard, because I had no idea that my block had fallen down.
Then something came up in my mind. Maybe I could make it up to him somehow.
"Do you want to see how happy you made me?" I asked him, whispering.
His eyes went wide, but he hesitated.
"If that's okay with you." He said, whispering as well.
I smiled and concentrated on my guard. I fought hard to remove it just a little bit, which was harder than just removing everything. I didn't want Alice or Andrea to get a vision of me and my plans. And I didn't want Edward to see them either, so I started focusing on my memories of him. His voice, his face, his kisses, and how I felt all the time. All my happy memories of him clouded up my mind, and I felt that he was trying to go past them. But he met my block there.
Suddenly I felt my pain slipping into my memories, and I immediately put my block back in place.
I looked at him now, trying to figure out his reaction. It surprised me that they were written clearly across his face. Surprise, guilt, and sadness.
"I truly loved you. I really did. I wanted to give up my life for you. But you pushed it all away, so I know you don't love me. There's no need to tell me otherwise." I whispered.
"You really can't put it into your brain, can you?" He asked me, his black eyes almost pleading with me.
I shook my head. "No, your lies can't be put in my head anymore."
"So you can believe the lie, and not the truth." He murmured, but I still heard it.
Then he stepped forward, so fast I was too late to respond. He had me pinned up against the wall, making a block with his body. It was not possible for me to escape this prison.
I couldn't look away from the eyes that were burning into mine. I wanted to scream, yell at him how stupid he was for not giving me the chance to show him how much I loved him, and how our lives could be. I wanted to push him away, to run from him so I wouldn't feel this pain ripping me apart. I wanted to hold him, and never let him go.
The desire, that was almost the strongest of those feelings, was almost overpowering me, but I kept focusing on the anger so I wouldn't entirely lose control.
It took me less than half a second to put all that together, and I snarled at him, showing my anger.
"Maybe I can show you, then." Edward breathed, his scent paralyzing me from head to toe.
I didn't feel anything anymore. No pain, no desire. The feelings I had just a second ago were gone. All I felt now was the desperation to get away before he was going to rip me apart.
Ironic, that he almost killed me when he kissed me when I was human, and now he wanted to kill me by kissing me.
He bent over, slowly, and the time seemed to stop. His lips were only a millimeter away and I could feel his breath on my lips and then-
Then he was gone, and I was being shielded by someone very familiar. I automatically blocked this person as well, protecting my thoughts.
"Stay away from her. You are not welcome here. She told you to go away before. It seems that you can't listen. So now you will listen to me. If you do something like that, I will tear you apart, limb for limb, and I will be laughing the entire time."
Edward stared at her in shock, but I ignored him, and hugged my best friend.
"Thanks so much. I owe you forever!" I whispered into Anna's ear,
She pushed me away, softly. "I'm happy to be useful. Thank god I was on time."
I nodded, and smiled weakly. She didn't know how close I was to losing it. Maybe she did know, because she turned around again, glaring at Edward,
Then something swept across her face,
"Wait a minute. Isn't this-"
"Yes. It is." I interrupted her, before she could finish her sentence and expose too much.
"It makes sense. It explains-"
"Don't." I quickly said.
She raised her eyebrow, but nodded. She got the message.
But it was too late.
"What am I? What makes sense?" Edward asked, suddenly worried.
"You are the guy we saw in Italy." Anna asked.
When I saw the confusion on Edward's face, I felt the urge to explain him.
"We saw you when you were visiting the Volturi." I whispered.
His eyes went wide. "What? You were among them?"
I nodded.
"Why? What? How?" Edward stuttered, but then his thoughts gave him the answers to his questions.
"The blonde and red-haired girls. I couldn't read their thoughts, but at that moment I was too focused at… something else to notice, to think about it." I heard the hesitation at the end of his explanation.
"No need to keep secrets like that from me. I was there, I know what you asked. I still can't believe that you really wanted them to kill you." I said, stepping next to Anna, away from her protection.
She looked at me for a moment, and we shared each others thoughts. I could handle this now, with her next to me.
"I did come back, you know. What you said is not true. I was there for your last human moments." He explained, whispering.
I grabbed Anna's hand, and squeezed it. She squeezed it back, and I could feel that she was trying to give me courage silently.
"But then I had to go hunting. Your scent was still overpowering me, and I didn't want to take the risk that my control slipped. I didn't want to change you. I was trying to figure out a way to get you back into my life."
"And when I came back, I found out that you were attacked. You were in the process of changing, and I was too late. I couldn't suck the venom back out, because then you would have no blood left. It had spread too far."
I gasped, and at the same time he continued. But my mind had already understood where he was going, because that was locked in my memories.
"I stayed with you during your changing process, holding you."
"I heard you. I thought I had gone crazy, hearing your voice. I heard you. You were really there…" I couldn't understand this. He had been there. I had felt his arms around me, not knowing that it wasn't my imagination but reality.
"Yes, I was there. You were responding to me, and I couldn't be happier. But then your process came to an end, and I got scared. So I ran away, not knowing what to do."
"So you felt guilty that she was turned into a vampire, and you went to the Volturi to kill yourself. Yeah, that makes sense." Anna said sarcastically.
"No. At first I did feel guilty, but then I decided that it shouldn't matter. I hadn't stopped loving you, and I would try to get you back. I followed you trail, but it led straight into La Push. I assumed they had killed you. You were a vampire, and thus not allowed to cross their borders. There was no trail left of you scent. I gave up."
I nodded. I could understand this perfectly.
"Good. Now the circle is round again. Time to leave. You are still not welcome here." Anna said again, knowing that I wasn't able to speak at this moment. I knew that if I would open my mouth to say something, I would lose control.
He looked at me again. "It's up to Bella to decide that."
I stiffened, and then glared at him. "Go away. I told you before. I won't tell you again. The next time I will not allow this. You have said what you wanted to say. I don't want to see you ever again."
He nodded, not looking at me. Then he turned around.
I could hear his voice when he reached the edge of the forest next to my house.
"I still love you, Bella. Never forget that."
I gulped, and when I knew he was gone, I finally allowed myself to fall apart.
I sank on the ground, my legs no longer able to carry my body. I sobbed, but I kept focusing on the block that had to be surrounding Anna and me.
Then I heard her soft voice.
"Grab yourself together. We're going away."
"Where?" I said, not able to form a coherent sentence.
"London."
So, this is where this chapter finishes. I am sorry, but I have to inform you that there'll be no update till 22December. I am going to London this Friday, so I am going to use my own experiences in that chapter. That's why I (and you) need to wait.
I hope you liked this! Reviews would be nice…
