I take his hand in mine. It nests in my palm, trusting me in its tactile way. I rub the back longingly. We start walking, two souls on the edge of merging, afraid and yet fearless when together. He kicks some pebbles on the way to the beach. His eyes are clouded and he walks erratically. His breath comes from unknown inner precipices, echoing deep struggles. I have to reach past those, let him know his worth.
I sit on a rock. The seaweeds are wetting my pants but that way I can see his eyes, beneath his ruffled hair. They're shining.
"Will, I needed to tell you... We've grown very close. But I do not know you. I would like to." His mouth opens, slightly. His throat moves beautifully. Now that he's whole again, I can see past the intensity, past the pain and there are clear skies in him, a purity that I've never seen in a grown-up before.
He was serious with my dad before. He does want to spend time with me, not just to help. I inhale all the oxygen around me, all the energy that I had lost and that he's giving me back. I don't know if I'll stutter but I have to answer. "You really want to? I am damaged you know, so very much."
He presses my hand, kindly. "I've seen you fight, Will, I've seen your strength. I believe in you. I cannot step away, I couldn't live with myself." There's a thunder in his voice, louder than the one that rocked the sea, and a softness that I can't, that I won't resist. I nod. His eyes are hooking on mine and time stops passing.
My body moves slowly. My head thinks slowly. My knee touch the sand. Slowly, I lean to his face. Slowly. But I cannot do it. I can't escape the shackle that grips my heart. The only strength I have left allows for one small thing. A whisper. "Spend the New year with me? Please?" His smile is the foundation for my new existence, one where I will be accepted, one where I will love.
"Sonny, Will, I need to go and buy a few last things. You want to come with me? I could use the help and the company!" I'm inches from his lips and we both turn to the road. Marlena is waving. She's helping me get back to reality again. I look at Sonny. He nods. And I decide to be bold. I don't let go of his hand, even when we walk past my dad, seated in the front porch. I have chosen freedom, I have chosen Sonny.
The town is far and Marlena is quiet. We've sat at the back, his warmth close to my heart, his head on my shoulder. My lips are burning from the kiss I almost received. We haven't talked much. I don't know how to tell him what's in my heart. I want to know how he feels.
We help pick up the groceries. Will goes to fetch some candles "I wanted to decorate the place as brightly as we could. Make the night special. I would love for you both to help me. You will be staying Sonny, won't you?" "Yes, thank you Marlena. I hope you'll be OK with me and Will dating?" "I don't have to be, you know. It's his decision, he's an adult and I respect that." I would have liked another answer but it will do. We reach the register and she murmurs just before Will comes back "In fact, I am delighted, Sonny. I hope things will work between you. You're a very compassionate young man." Will puts the colored little glasses down, along with cereal boxes. Marlena's face lighten. She pushes Will's arm, teasingly "Are you planning to eat those tonight?" Will looks at me briefly then replies "Yep. I've decided to do things that will make me happy, no matter what other people think. If you ask me very nicely, grandma, I might share my snacks."
The porch is silent when we come back. I see mom holding the chime, frowning. "Mom, what are you doing?" "Oh, I just wonder where this came from, it's new. Don't you think it's too loud?" "No, mom, it's mine. It's a gift from Sami's kids. I like its sound, I'd like for everyone here to enjoy it too. Put it back, please." "Oh, come on, Sonny, don't be childish. I'm not sure Marlena agrees with that." "I do, actually, Adrienne. It's beautiful and it adds to the celebration mood I'd like to set up. Come in, why don't you help me cook? The boys can decorate." Mom looks up sharply but she smiles at her host and follows her.
"Your mother doesn't like me." He presses his lips. I wish he would deny it but I know better. Is she right or is he? I put two candles over the fireplace. One is white, the other is red. Sonny takes some flowers my grandma gave him and places them on the coffee table. He moves slowly and perfectly. He sits on the couch, the one that has welcomed us so many times and pats next to him. When I join, he says "She doesn't understand who you are. She thinks I should choose someone different. She's wrong. But it'll take time for her to change her mind. I'll need your forgiveness in the meantime. I'll need you to still give me a chance." I close my eyes and I kiss him. Finally.
