the star

eleven

And Rachel set some boundaries. She wouldn't publicly go out with Jesse. First because that would cause rumors to swirl. Second, because the rest of the show's cast would treat her differently. Third, because she didn't want to give Finn any reasons to attack her, and she didn't want to give her mother the satisfaction of being right, even though she wasn't, really.

"Once we're done shooting this season of the show and I'm already done moving in my own house, then we'll go out together, that is, if you still feel like it". She told him.

Jesse agreed.

"I understand independence is important to you, but, meanwhile, can we carry on in private?"

She laughed and hugged him. "I'd be disappointed if we didn't".

"Then I'll try to make our time together to be as fun as possible".

And he did. For Rachel, it was almost like a dreamlike existence, living in the children's house and being with Jesse. There were so many pleasures: making love, watching House, M.D together, sailing, dipping in the pool, sharing the delicious meals Emma prepared...

And everyone in the house adored her. She had become part of the family.

It would've been so easy to forget all the rest. Happiness was addictive. But Rachel couldn't ignore the idea that she had to have her own life.

Jesse gave her the name of a good lawyer for her divorce, and Rachel filed the suit.

She bought a car for her, a cute, white Beetle, comfortable and easy to park around town. Having gotten her own transportation and the confidence to deal with her own issues, she let go of Noah Puckerman, thanking the bodyguard for having taken such good care of her and of Fiyero.

"It was my pleasure, Rachel. You have my card. If there's something I can help with, don't hesitate to call", he said honestly.

She needed the car to search for her new home. Her choices were limited because most of the buildings wouldn't accept pets, and Rachel would never split from Fiyero. She didn't want to commit to buying something before her divorce was finalized, but it was very hard to find something to rent.

"I wanted something near a park, where I could take Fiyero", she told Jesse after another day of meaningless search.

"You don't have to rush, Rachel. I'll be perfectly fine if you stay here beyond the two months".

"I don't plan on staying here until it's no longer convenient for you, Jesse".

He frowned.

"I wasn't suggesting you wouldn't be welcome anymore. I like what we have here, Rachel. It can be convenient for me for a very long time".

Her heart nearly stopped. And she liked it. She loved it. But deluding herself with dreams with Jesse wouldn't do her any good. A long time could mean only a year or two.

Jesse saw the desire to be with him turn to uncertainty, and the urge to fight off all of Rachel's doubts became too insistent to ignore. He liked to come home to her, more than he had ever imagined himself liking to come home to someone. He was happy every time he walked through the gates, and not as much for the beautiful view of Sondheim House, but because he would be again with Rachel.

"You're happy here", he argued. "Fiyero is happy here. Will and Emma like to take care of him when you go out. When we go out. As we will do as soon as your work on this season's episodes is finished".

They were in the children's house and he held Rachel, purposefully making her remember of the intimacy they shared.

"You love this place", he said in a seductive persuasion. "You have your own car, your independence. You can even pay me rent, if that'll make you feel better about living here". He lifted his fingers to Rachel's lips, driving her insane. "I want you to stay, Rachel".

Jesse saw a maelstrom of emotions warring inside her eyes: desire, hope, fear, panic...

She stepped away from him, the words bursting out of her in a desperate explosion.

"I can't, Jesse! I can't! Don't ask me to do that!"

She hid her face in her hands, and her eyes pleaded with Jesse to understand her. But he didn't: he stood there, instinctively knowing that he would have to wait for her explanation, not pressuring anything. He was horrified he had caused her fear. Rachel was too precious for him. To hurt her in any way had never been his intention.

Rachel tried to restrain herself, and Jesse felt more tense than he had ever felt in any business meeting. He had always been prepared, confident that he would walk away a winner, but he didn't have any experience with what happened at that moment with Rachel.

She managed to say, "All of my life..." She trailed off, swallowed and began again, "Most of my life, I did what my mother wanted me to. I learned... she made me learn... it was easier to obey, not to resist, just accept what she decided".

Jesse saw the memories of punishment flash in her eyes, and he clenched his jaw in a flood of hatred for Shelby Corcoran. He had been a victim of negligence, of indifference, of his parents' sudden urges to spend all their money and leave him with his nannies throughout his childhood, but he had never been forced to do what they wanted him to.

"Then, when I married Finn and realized I was nothing more than a property to him... something he could use to reach what he wanted... I took the easy way again. I allowed him to do as such, because at least it was more pleasant than it was with my mother. He pretended to love me, and it was easier to live with that".

The conman sweet-talking his target, Jesse thought furiously. But his conscience began to whisper he was doing the same thing.

"And it would also be easy to live here with you, Jesse", Rachel carried on, seeing through the strategy he had used to keep her with him. "But, if I did that, I would once again be going through the same motions I have to avoid, giving you control over my life, instead of taking care of it myself".

"No!" He refuted vehemently. "I would never control your life, Rachel! You know you would be free to choose with me!"

Hurt eyes looked back at him.

"I can't choose when you'll find someone else who will catch your eye, Jesse. In the end of the day, Andrea Cohen didn't have any choice, did she?"

But it's different with you!

The words were begging to be said, and he could barely keep them from leaving his lips. As real as they were, they didn't guarantee to her the kind of commitment that would keep them forever together. They were still on the honeymoon phase of their relationship. Jesse knew he needed a much longer time to test his feelings for her. To rush a drastic statement wouldn't do any of them any good.

"I need my own place, Jesse", she said, forcefully, her eyes pleading with him to accept. "Never again I want to feel like I don't have anywhere to go if... other things... start falling apart". Her lips quivered and twisted in a small smile. "It might not be as convenient for you... for both of us..."

"That doesn't matter. Your well-being does. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking... I just wanted to hold on to what we have". He shook his head in a silent apology as he approached her to offer her comfort, his hands coming to rest gently on her shoulders. "When my parents died, I didn't have anyone else. If it weren't for their lawyers filing a suit to have me emancipated, I would have to go to foster care, and I know I would hate that. I love having my own place. Do you want me to help you find one, Rachel?"

Relief and joy shone inside Rachel's eyes when she wrapped her arms around Jesse's waist, hugging him tightly. "No. You've already helped me a lot, Jesse. I can't even say how thankful I am for everything you've done for me. Even when we're no longer together, I'll consider you the best friend I've ever had".

"Hummm... I'm not ready to call this quits yet. Are you?"

"No". She looked teasingly at Jesse as she caressed his neck. He laughed and kissed her. Fiyero barked at the enthusiastic gesture, and Jesse smiled at the dog.

"You've had her for yourself a long time now, buddy. It's my turn now".

Rachel laughed as he led her to the bedroom and closed the door. She gave herself to him with a reckless pleasure, and Jesse celebrated the certainty that she would still be his, even if she moved to somewhere else.

Lying together, he felt a deep tenderness for her, pulling her closer to his body and stroking her hair.

"You're safe with me, Rachel. I won't exploit you in any way".

"I know that, Jesse. You don't need to. You have your own life".

And that was something she didn't have so far. He understood the need Rachel had of taking charge, because of her past. But the simple truth of what she said made him think of what he had created for himself, taking care of his own life.

Despite being under the care of nannies and maids, he spent most of his childhood alone. His parents weren't completely irresponsible, but they were close to that. They had money and they spent it generously, be it traveling or partying. When they were home, they spent their mornings working (his father) and sleeping or beautifying themselves (his mother). They didn't care how things were going with him, as long as he had good grades. Jesse went to school because it was better than staying at home with parents who didn't have time for him.

It had been a lonely life, not easy at all, until his parents died, he was emancipated and took control of the fortune they left for him. When they were alive, he hated that they acted like proud, loving parents when he was praised by everyone they knew and wanted to impress. They acted like they were a part of his life, being there for him at his high school show choir's competitions, cheering him on and supporting him. When friends of his parents praised them for having such a smart, handsome, talented son, they would smile and agree, saying how proud they were of him and how much they loved him.

But what they called love wasn't it, not really. It was unstable, mercenary. Jesse always thought he would be better without them in his life.

And he had truly done much better, taking care of his own life, not allowing anyone to take credit of his conquests and the goals he had reached himself.

But would he still be happy living like that, after having spent such wonderful moments with Rachel, sharing with her more than he had shared with anyone else, liking everything about her? He hadn't ever cared about being alone. It had been an advantage not having to think about other people when he decided what to do. He had deliberately avoided any emotional ties that could restrain him. But he knew he would miss Rachel's company when he arrived home, once she left.

He couldn't keep that dream to reach its end. However, he didn't need to accept an unbridgeable distance between them. The need to estabilish a definite future with her was a priority. There was so many things he wanted to share with her, to show her.

"Once you move out, Rachel, it'll be impossible to keep our relationship a secret", he said casually. "Someone is bound to pick up that I'm always going to visit you. You will want me to visit, won't you?"

"Yes, of course", she said without hesitation.

"Then I don't see any reason for us not to appear together in public. By then, your work at the show will be already over and done. When we start working at the next season, cast and crew will already be used to us being together. It'll be something of a routine for them. It won't cause you any discomfort, right?"

She didn't answer.

Jesse felt tension coil within him again as he waited. He couldn't force her into agreeing. She needed to want it. He couldn't see her face, didn't know what was going through her mind. Her marriage was over. She couldn't care about what her mother and Finn would think. She had her own life, and she would do with it as she pleased. Certainly she would choose to spend as much time as possible with Jesse. He would never accept being her secret lover! It would be too restrictive!


Rachel's mind was chaotic. It was a tempting idea, to be publicly linked to a man that powerful, to be labeled as his new mistress, which would undoubtedly cause rumors to rise about how long they had been together, given Jesse's rep. However, despite how long it had been since she and Finn separated, that relationship could be seen as a scandal. The press wouldn't leave them alone.

She didn't like to have to face that, she wanted them to be lovers in private. Those two months had been heavenly, so easy...

Easy.

The word teased her, instantly accusing her of going back to her old ways of thinking. She had just set her foot down with Jesse about not taking the easy way which was moving in there with him. Not only that, but, when their liason first started, she had insisted they wouldn't go out together until that season of the show was done, and she had a place to live. And Jesse had just reminded her that time was nearly over. To go back on her word, to deny Jesse what he wanted so badly when he had done so much for her, was out of question. Besides. Rachel knew she would miss his companionship, in every sense.

So what that it wasn't easy to go out in public?

She would have Jesse with her.

That was more important than anything else.

She looked up and smiled at him.

"I would love to go out with you, Jess". She said, secretly wanting way more than she could ever ask or expect for, to have that wonderful man for herself for all of her life.

"Great!" A satisfied smile appeared on his face.

Rachel forced herself to also be satisfied. The experience with Jesse had already changed everything for the best. She would always be thankful that he had walked into her life... even after he left her.