Beyond the Fence

I insist to Peeta that I can make it to home by myself, not wanting anyone else in the Seam to see me with him. Who knows what gossip will erupt from his presence. I don't see any use in trying to find Gale; it's unlikely that I would even find him. He has always had a gift of disappearing into thin air when he needs to.

As I enter my front door, short of breath, the idea of disappearing seems like the best thing imaginable. Mother stands in the middle of out small kitchen mopping the floor as best she can of the blood pooled on the ground. The smell is overwhelming and leaves a metallic flavour on my tongue. I feel my stomach churn just from the sight of it.

She looks up at me, forgetting the smeared blood, with a familiar, worried look on her face. "Katniss, take a seat, you're turning grey."

I clear my throat and take a shaky step inside, closing the door behind me. I can't seem to move any further the more I look at my surroundings. There are discarded bloody cloths on the floor and our table has been transformed into a medical slab. Mother's herbs and medicines are scattered around the room too. Whatever has happened here has not been one of her success stories.

I lean my back up against the door and find my voice, "What happened?"

Once she sees I can keep myself from fainting her continues cleaning, "Natasha went into labour early."

"Are she and the baby ok?" I question her further

"The baby was 5 weeks premature," Her eyes never leave her work, "It was too weak to survive. He didn't make it."

My voice croaks, "And Natasha…"

Ma never misses a beat as she mechanically answers, "She lost a lot of blood, but recovered quick enough."

"Where's… Where's the…" I try to find the words but they don't come

"She took him. Said she wanted to bury him when her husband returned from the mines." She ends her recount of today's events with that. There seems to be no further conversation between us as the room falls silent.

Before my feet give way from underneath me, I take a leap of faith and walk out of the room, climbing the stairs until I reach my bed. I throw myself onto it and try to erase that grim image from my mind.

xxxxx

I am beyond the fence of District 12 in the woods. Mockingjay's are singing all around me in the treetops. The grass is dewy from the early morning fog and every step I take echoes through the open space. When I make it to the clearing of the lake I see him. He walks towards me, just as I remember him.

My face breaks into a smile, "Dad"

He continues walking until he stands in front of me. His palm cups my cheek, as his raspy voice breaks the silence, "I have something for you."

His hand drops and clasps with the other. He then brings them close. I inadvertently move in closer to his form to see what he hides. His hands open and reveal a small bird nestled in his palms. It is almost as if it were magic.

"A bird?" I ask mystified by his actions

"Not just any bird, It's a Wren bird," He answers looking me in the eyes, "A gift." The bird takes flight and lands on the upside of my thumb. I feel my heart soaring at the sight of it. I stroke the bird's feathers and smile as my father's booming laugh fills my ears.

I look through my eyelashes to meet his gaze, "Dad –" As the words leave my mouth the ground beneath our feet begins to shake and rocks fall from above all around us. He never looks away as he breathes, "Be strong, my girl"

Tears spring to my eyes as the realisation hits me, "NO, DAD" The earth abruptly tears opens and swallows him into the darkness of the underground.

I jolt awake from my sleep, chest heaving and my body covered in a thin layer of sweat. My eyes search the dark room trying to gather my surroundings. My heart pounds against my chest as I realise my whereabouts, a nightmare. It was just a nightmare.

I curl into the foetus position and squeeze my eyes shut while my lips begin to tremble. I release a shaky breath and manage a single whimper, "Daddy…"

I stay like that for what feels like hours, trying to calm my breathing until I begin to feel ill. My stomach makes an awful growl and begins to stir. I wrap my arms around myself in an effort to make the pain go away, but the feeling of bile rising in my throat overwhelms me. I push back the covers and stumble downstairs to the bathroom trying my best not to wake up Prim or my mother. When I reach the bathroom I hover over the toilet, hands holding my knees. I heave making a ghastly sound and throw up into the bowl. My knees give way from my shaking legs and I fall to the ground. Clutching the toilet bowl I continue to dry heave trying to rid my stomach of its contents.

Just as stop I feel a light hand ghosting the back of me, I turn slightly to see my mother standing holding out a tissue. I accept it and wipe my mouth before passing it back to her open hand.

"Oh, Katniss" she says gently

"I'm fine, Ma. Go back to bed." I mutter beginning to stand

"Katniss, I think you and I both know what's going on - " I hold up a hand to make her stop. "I can help you, don't force yourself to do this alone."

"I'm fine, just forget it."

"When was your last cycle?"

My ears pick up when I realise what she is insinuating, "What?"

She starts rambling without answering me, "How long have you been feeling ill? This is how it normally starts. Pregnancy is difficult –"

"Pregnancy? No, Ma. No! I'm not pregnant!" My voice turns frantic trying to find a more rational explanation, "I must have just eaten something bad."

She begins listing indicators, "Shortness of breath, cramping, back aches, dizziness, headaches, frequent urination, high body temperature and nausea."

At some point in the past week each one of the symptoms have made an appearance. I know I am in denial. The simple idea of pregnancy seems ludicrous. Raising children, what I have always feared, may have been developing right under my nose. How could I not known? I can't bear to meet her gaze as she continues, "If I'm right, you'll need to start taking better care of yourself."

Her comment makes me enraged, "How am I supposed to take care of this," Weakly gesturing to my belly, "if I can barely take care of us? We live in the Seam nothing comes easy to us. You saw what happened today. Who's saying that I will even make it to full term? How am I going to take better care of myself! This is reality, Ma. You can't save everyone, even your own grandchild."

I know my words stung, just by looking at her face. For the slightest second guilt rips through my chest, but then it all too quickly disappears. Her eyes have turned glassy and now she is the one to look away, "I know… I haven't always been there for you and Prim when you needed me most. But I swear, Katniss, I wont let you do this alone. I'll be there for you." She pauses before continuing, "Now get to bed, I will clean this up."

I leave silently not knowing what to say. One thing has occurred to me tonight, my future and my mother might not be at all what I thought they were going to be all along. I take my side in the bed Prim and I share and snuggle under the covers. My hands ghost over my stomach for the slightest second before Gale's face comes to mind. He already has to take care of his 3 siblings and mother, what good is bringing another mouth to feed into his life. I wont tell him, it's for he's own protection. I'm doing this for him, I tell myself. I don't even realise that I have fallen asleep with my hand across my belly tenderly until the next morning.