A/N: First of all, I want to apologize for taking so long to get this chapter up. A lot of things happened, and unfortunately, this fic just wasn't a priority of mine. I actually wrote this entire chapter today. It took me a little longer than usual, because I was going somewhere else than where I ended up and it took me a while to let the story take over on its own. This is also the last full chapter. The next chapter that I upload will be the epilogue, and then I'm done. This is a story 4 years in the making, and I'm glad to finally finish it. I'll hopefully get the epilogue up in the next week or so. It shouldn't be that difficult to write, but I want to wait til Monday to start writing it so that it'll count towards my June writing count. Thanks for reading and sticking with me through all the waiting.
O.O
Chapter Ten: Conflicting Views
James' presence in the school was immediately noticed. The morale rose significantly, and students seemed to go back to their naturally chatty selves. The school seemed to come alive again, and the Marauders made sure to take advantage of the liveliness by pulling more pranks than they ever had before. Of course, the vast majority of the pranks were pulled on the Slytherins, so they were frequently identified around the school as the ones with green hair or boils on their skin.
I put up with this for quite some time; I knew it was his way of coping with things. Still, as NEWTs got closer, and I focused more on studying, his pranking habits seemed more and more outlandish, and led to a few disagreements.
One particular evening, I was studying in an alcove in the common room when I heard Sirius laughing loudly in the main room. Sighing to myself, I blocked out the sounds with a wave of my wand and resumed my studying. A few minutes later, I was interupted when Sirius crashed through the barrier, swaying and clearly drunk from Firewhiskey, to show me pictures of their latest prank, a spell that made the remaining Slytherins walk on their hands whenever they walked into certain parts of the castle.
I snapped my book shut and stood to my full height, which was still several inches shy of Sirius. "I don't have time to deal with your crazy antics right now, Sirius. We have a month and a half before school ends, before we're out in the real world. You won't be able to hide behind your pranks forever," I scolded.
He raised his eyebrow at me. "You think any of this is really going to matter in six months, a year? We're in a war. How you do in school isn't going to mean shite out there."
My temper got the better of me, as it usually does when I'm already stressed. "You just don't want to grow up and face reality. Well, you're going to get kicked out of school and will get a lovely dose of reality come graduation, and you won't have anything to your name!" I shouted.
His temper made him sober up some. "My name? My name is associated with the very people out there killing muggles and muggleborns like yourself! No one on the good side trusts me, except the very friends I spend all my time with. I don't want to deal wth reality, and I'm surprised you do, with all the death around and your friends abandoning you."
James made his appearance on the scene at this time. "What's going on?" he asked cautiously, glancing back and forth between me and his best friend.
"Your girlfriend here has a stick up her arse," Sirius explained.
I rolled my eyes. "Your best friend doesn't want to grow up. We're leaving Hogwarts in a month and a half, and he doesn't want to accept that he can't think of himself as a student anymore."
James shrugged. "I don't blame him. There's not much to look forward to. We're not in the happy-go-lucky times we were in 5 years ago. We have death and suffering to look forward to when we leave, but while we're still in school, we can at least pretend to enjoy ourselves."
I clenched my teeth to prevent myself from snapping at him. "That doesn't mean we can just ignore what we're here for. The NEWTs will help us determine what we can do out there. They'll affect us for th rest of our lives, regardless of how much longer this war goes on."
James shook his head slowly. "Not many of us are going to survive this war, Lily. Sirius is going to fight. Remus doesn't have much choice since he wouldn't be able to find any real jobs anywhere. I'm going to join them. With that, we're just killing time until the end of school."
My mouth had dropped open. "You have a death wish, don't you?"
"I just want to do what's right."
"So you're going to put yourself right in the thick of things without even talking to me about it first?" I exclaimed.
"It's my life, Lily," he said nonchalantly.
I felt tears stinging my eyes. "Your life, then. I guess I don't have a place in it anymore." I turned back to my schoolwork and began gathering my books, parchment, and quills.
"Lily, it's not like that..." James tried.
I looked up at him, my eyes red, and shook my head. "I have studying to do. You know where to find me if you care to join me." I stuffed the last of my things in my backpack and walked out of the common room. I made it all the way to the back of the library, where few students ventured, before I broke down and started crying.
O.O
In the days that followed, I spent most of my time outside of class in the library. I went to the kitchens just before meals and grabbed a quick bite off the tables before the food was sent up. I avoided the common room, and made it back to my dormitory late at night, after I had done rounds. James and I split the rounding schedule so that one of us was always doing the last walk of the night, which meant that we alternated days, rather than walked together. Most nights, I cried myself to sleep.
It was rather childish to avoid James like I did at that time, but I justified it with the idea I had that he didn't want me in his life. After all, he had gone and made decisions about his life after school without even talking to me about it, implying that I wasn't going to be there after school ended. I hated not being around him so soon after his sister died, as I knew he hadn't recovered from it yet. Still, it somehow seemed to be the best idea at the time.
It took James a week to find me. I was sitting in my usual place in the library, reading through our Transfiguration book for probably the third time that week. I had been making notes in the columns, and my fingertips were now covered in ink as a result. I was so absorbed in my notes that I didn't hear him come up behind me, but I felt a slight tingling on the back of my neck, indicating that someone was there. Before he came within an arm's length of me, I was standing with my wand pointed at his neck.
"Well, no one can fault you for your reflexes," he said, holding his hands up in surrender.
I looked him up and down slowly, then set my wand on the table and sat down again. "Why are you here?"
He shrugged and sat in the chair next to me, close enough that I could smell his cologne. "I thought we should talk."
I nodded and twirled my quill slowly. "About time."
He groaned and stood up quickly. "Dammit, Lily. Why do you have to be so difficult?"
My lips curled in an ironic smile. "How would you feel if I told you I was taking a job in... Brazil as soon as school finished?"
He shrugged. "I'd accept it as something you want to do."
"Bull. You'd wonder why I'd put going to Brazil over you, and you'd likely think our relationship was over, if not now, then by the time I was gone for a few weeks."
He sighed and sat back down, taking my hand in the process. "Is that what you think? That I don't want a relationship with you anymore?" he asked tenderly.
"You said it yourself... it's your life," I said, my voice dropping in volume.
It was awhile before he responded. "I shouldn't have said that. I've just been fighting with myself for the past few weeks... I should have been there for my sister, and instead she dies while I'm not there."
"So... you react by wanting to go off and fight, leaving the rest of your loved ones alone?" I asked, my eyebrows knitting together in confusion.
He winced and shook his head. "I want to fight so that I can make the world safe for the ones I love. My parents and you, and Sirius and Remus, even Peter."
I laughed softly. "You sure have an odd way of protecting people."
His face look pained, and it took a moment before he spoke again. "I know I haven't been myself recently. I know I'm pushing you away. I don't want that. I love you, Lily, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
I could feel my face getting hot and my palms sweat. I wanted to pull my hand away from him, show him how much I was hurting, but he held it so firmly that I couldn't. "I don't know who you're going to become. I don't know if I'll love the person you become. I mean, it took me several years to admit I loved the person you were. I don't.... I don't want to lose you, James. I don't want to wake up one day and realize I'm with a man I don't know anymore."
He leaned down and kissed my fingertips. "We're both going to change, Lily. That's part of growing old. It doesn't help that we're going to be forced into a world that is going to force us to change. We won't be living easy lives unless we leave everythin behind. But that doesn't mean that we won't know each other, that we won't love each other anymore. We'll be there for each other, every step of the way."
I reached up and wiped a tear forming at the corner of my eye. "Even with you vowing to go off and fight. We won't be able to fight together. We'll spend nights alone, see horrible things, and have no one to sleep with at night. Is that really what you want?"
He squeezed my hands. "No, that's not what I want, but it's what I have to do. I can't just run away, Lily. That's not who I am, and you know that. I wouldn't be the same person if I stood on the sidelines and watched my friends get hurt and die."
I shook my head slowly. "I guess we're at an impasse, then."
He tilted my head up to look me in the eyes. "Lily, this war can't go on forever. We'll make it through this, together, and we'll grow old together. We're not mere muggles, either. We can apparate and see each other all the time, even in the time of battle. We can do this, if you're willing to give it a chance."
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. My thoughts spun through all the possibilities of what he was suggesting: the long nights alone, the days spent worrying about him fighting, the thought of losing him. I opened my eyes and looked at him again. "One condition."
His smile was hesitant. "What's that?"
"We fight together."
I saw him pull away into himself, horrified at my suggestion. I bit my lip, preventing myself from talking. He needed to think about what I was suggesting, and the more I spoke, the more likely he was to reject it.
"I... can't let you do that," he said at last. "I can't let you put yourself in harm's way."
"James, if anything were to happen to you while you were out fighting and I was staying at home being a good housewife, I couldn't live with myself. I can match you in my magical abilities. If we fight as a team, we're less likely to get hurt, and few people will be able to stop us." I tried to explain as the idea formed in my mind. "Besides, you know I'll hunt you down and fight with you anyway if I think something is wrong. So there's really nothing to debate."
He loosened up slightly and pulled me into his lap. "Alright. We can fight together. But you have to do something for me in return."
I leaned my head against his shoulder and inhaled deeply, the pressure in my chest releasing significantly. "What's that?"
He took my hand and kissed my fingers lightly, then brushed his thumb over my fingers slowly. "Marry me, Lily."
When I think back on this moment, I am shocked that I didn't see it coming. Everything seemed to be in place for him to propose, but I was so caught up in our resolution that I just didn't see it. So, when the words finally came out of his mouth, I was quite literally speechless. I knew my silence was making him more nervous; after all, how many times in your life do you propose? Still, I couldn't find the words to give him an answer. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I kissed him.
It honestly felt like our first kiss all over again. Fireworks were bursting in my head and I could feel the muscles in my cheeks aching to smile. When I finally pulled back, his smile was present, but hesitant once again.
"Does that mean yes?" he asked, cautiously.
I smiled wider than I had ever smiled before and finally found my words again. "Yes, James. I'll marry you."
"In that case..." he smiled and pulled a ring out of his pocket, then slid it on my finger. "This was my grandmother's. My mom gave it to me when I went home for my sister's funeral. She said my sister had been wanting to send it to me since the start of the year, but never got around to it. She really thought everything would work out and that we'd get married. I guess she was right."
"She knew you well. I hope I can get to know you as well."
O.O
A/N: Don't forget to review for me. I appreciate it :)
