a/n: from this point onwards the story will get into more sexual content, although it will be scattered and only become more explicit. there will also be themes on mental illness (such as depression and suicidal thoughts) going forward, so if that's something that's triggering/harmful for you, please stay safe and take care of yourself. however, hope is always present here in the anchorverse. & yeah, i think that's all? hope you guys enjoy the new chapter, and Canada Cowboy, i wanted to let you know just how much spiritypowers and i adore your reviews, they really brighten our days! without further ado, here's chapter eleven of this monstrosity of a fic
CHAPTER ELEVEN: Letters
Dear Kai,
School's going well, although a lot of people (mostly girls) are wondering where you are. I told Lee and the girls the whole story. I think he's a little disappointed to not have a roommate anymore, but he wishes you well, anyway. They all do. We're all looking forward to when you come back to school in September, and in the meantime, I have your visits and your letters to look forward to.
End of year exams went well too, but I won't know my results until June. They're not too hard, but once you're back, we already have Professor Zei ready to catch you up in preparation.
I miss you so much. We still have bonfires on the rooftop, but they're not the same without you. Although perhaps I was a little less distracted when studying for my exams…
Give Yung and the rest of the crew my regards.
Love always,
Jinora
…
Dear Jinora,
We liberated our first slave ship a week ago. It was only a small one, but it felt really good to be helping people. We've been spending a lot of time trying to get the people we freed back to their homes and families, although one of them wanted to join the crew. His name is Skoochy and he seems alright. At the very least, it's nice to be able to give someone a second chance, like I got. And he's only a few years older than me.
Everyone seems so much more relaxed, and happier. It's kind of scary, being captain, but if everyone's happier, then it's worth it. Otaku's not nearly as nervous all the time, and I think everyone's actually working better together. It might just be wishful thinking, too, but… I think I'm actually doing a good job. Or at least, I'm not doing a bad one.
I miss you, though. There's all these things out at sea and all these places, and I really wanna share them with you and I can't. Even ports that have gotten boring over time would be fun if you were here, 'cause you'd get to see it through new eyes.
Someday, I want you to come with me. I want you to do all the other things you've got planned first, but when you get time, I really want you to come see the world with me. Even if it's only for a little while. I think you'd like it a lot, and I'd take you wherever you want to go, show you anything you want to see. The crew would love having you around again, too. I know you'll probably want to go to university first, and then be a senator or a governor or a professor or something, but… something for me to stay around for, right?
Say hello to your family for me, and tell Lee and the girls that I'm looking forward to seeing them. (I'm looking forward to seeing you most, though. But don't tell them that.)
Always yours,
Kai
...
Dear Kai,
I know you'll be back in only two weeks (how has June flown by so quickly?) but I wanted to send one last letter for you to get while you sail back into Republic City. I can't wait to hear your voice again.
Everyone's home for the summer holiday now (it's been almost a year since we first met, can you believe it? It feels like it's been so much longer), but Lee lives less than an hour's carriage ride away, so he'll be visiting soon, and the girls plan on visiting a few times throughout the summer. Shen Shen and Pfannee usually travel a lot more than Miki and I do, so they're rather scarce during the summer, but they've told me to let me know when you're back so they can visit the both of us.
I haven't told the girls about us yet, but I've told Lee, who's been supportive. And while he doesn't quite say it out loud, I can tell that he misses you. I think after having mostly female friends for so long, it was nice for him to have another boy to talk to. And I miss having my two favourite people in the same place, but it'll be the three of us again in a few weeks. And then we can spend nights up on the rooftop again, with September being only two months away.
I miss you so much, and I can't wait to see you again soon.
Love always,
Jinora
…
Dear Jinora,
It's Yung. Sorry you haven't heard from any of us in a while. I know we were supposed to arrive roughly two days ago—hopefully you and your family haven't been worrying too much, under the assumption that it was bad weather or we ran into a spot of trouble. The latter, I'm afraid, is correct.
Long story short, there was some trouble with one of the rival ships. We're okay, and Kai's perfectly alright, just a bit shaken up. We all are. We'll be back as soon as we can, we have to make a detour to Tong Gong, which is almost all the way at the end of the Gold Coast. We'll—or most likely he will—write you a letter when we have a better idea of when we're coming back. In two weeks, minimum, I'm afraid.
Give your family our regards,
Yung
###
Kai came back two weeks and a day later, after a thunderstorm the night before. The docks were slippery and wet as the glistening Waterbender got hauled into the Island's harbour with sagging, heavy ropes tied tightly around sturdy wooden poles. Jinora almost didn't see them through the window, with how grey the sky still was and the fog rising slightly from Yue Bay. She'd been too disappointed after reading Yung's letter to properly hope they would arrive when they said they'd would, this time.
And yet here they were.
"Mommy! Daddy! Rohan! They're here!" She found the nearest servant and ordered them to go find and tell her family, barely pausing to pull on a shawl over her bare shoulders, courtesy of a casual summer dress, before running out the door. She didn't stop running till she reached the bottom of the ramp, looking frantically for Kai.
The door that led below decks was wide open, most of the crew milling about on deck, and then she saw Kai helping a young man with shaggy hair (although Jinora didn't recognize him) lift the desk that was usually on deck back onto the shiny wet floor. They had only just set it down when Jinora threw herself at him.
He froze, and stayed that way for so long that Jinora almost pulled away when Kai wrapped his arms tight around her. She went to rest her chin on his shoulder, and found she had to get on her tippy-toes to do so, now. He must have grown in the four months they'd been apart.
"Hey," she mumbled, gripping the back of his shirt.
He puffed out a quiet laugh against her ear. "Hey."
She pulled away slightly, cupping one side of his face in her hand. "Aren't you supposed to stop growing at some point? And be on time?"
He cracked a grin at her, his green eyes as bright and dazzling as always, and her heart did a familiar backflip. "You know I never do the things I'm supposed to, Gyatso."
"I'm just glad you're here."
"Me too." And then he caught sight of the young man again, and grinned sheepishly. "Oh, uh, Jin, this is Skoochy. Skooch, this is Jinora Gyatso."
Skoochy regarded her carefully for a moment, and then stuck out his hand. There were scars wrapping around his wrist. "Nice to meet you," he said cautiously, as Kai gave him an encouraging grin. Jinora let go of Kai reluctantly, taking Skoochy's hand and giving it a gentle shake. His grip was so soft it was barely there, and he let go quickly.
"It's nice to meet you too," she said with a soft smile. "Kai's told me a lot of good things about you in his letters."
Skoochy glaced at Kai. "He has?"
"Mmhmm."
"Oh." Skoochy smiled slightly. "Well, that's...nice."
Kai grinned at him. "You don't have to make small talk, Skooch. Go on, go smoke. I know you want to."
Skoochy let out a sigh of relief. "Alright. Thanks, Captain."
"I told you, call me Kai."
"Fine," Skoochy mumbled with a smile, before heading off as he dug a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.
"He can be a little...shy," Kai said, once he was out of earshot, "but he's a good guy. Just had a lot of bad luck till recently."
"Don't worry, I know you pick good friends," Jinora said, poking him lightly in the side with her finger. He laughed softly, though there was something in his eyes she couldn't quite catch, and for a second she was worried she'd accidentally probed a new injury. "Yung's letter said you got into a bit of trouble a few weeks ago. You didn't get hurt at all, did you?"
"I'm fine," he said quickly, looking away, and she got a good look at the bags under his eyes. "Just adjusting to captainship still, that's all. Got a new tattoo."
Jinora grinned, tugging at his shirt sleeve, before she heard the crew joyfully greet the rest of her family. "Show me when my father's not around?" she said with a sly smile, and the tips of Kai's ears turned red. Oh, she couldn't wait to kiss him senseless, when they got some alone time.
"Alright," he said, managing a small, shy smile, before they went to greet her family together, alongside Yung. Rohan, Pema and Tenzin all wrapped him into warm hugs, the latter two also hugging his first mate.
"Tell us everything," said Pema, smiling broadly as she pulled away. "How have you been? You can come up to the house for tea."
Yung's eyes crinkled. "We've been—" He broke off, looking towards the door that led below decks. "Kai, I think Pabu's having a little trouble with helping Lefty up the stairs."
Kai pursed his lips. "I'll take care of it."
Jinora gave Yung a confused smile. "It's a little early in the day for Lefty to already be drinking, isn't it?" It was only an hour past noon, after all.
"You'll see," Yung said, a small, sad smile on his face. The smile fell off Jinora's face, but she watched as Kai re-emerged with a skinny, redheaded man named Pabu, both of them helping Lefty up and onto the deck, because, well, because…
His left leg was gone below the knee, replaced with a thick wooden pegleg. Her mouth dropped open, but no sound came out, before she rushed over to him, helping him up on the last step.
"Thanks, darling," he said with that same fond gruffness as always. Kai looked particularly distraught, although he was hiding it well, once Lefty had been helped into a chair.
"What happened?!" Jinora burst before she could stop herself. Lefty and Kai shared a glance, before the former managed a smile.
"We got raided by another ship, and I got a nasty gash in my leg," Lefty said, nonchalantly. "The only way to make sure infection didn't get me was to just chop it off. Longshot did a good job of it too. Nice and clean cut." His smile turned cheeky. "Quick way to lose 30 pounds, anyway."
"Lefty," Kai said tiredly.
"And now I have a more interesting reason for my name," Lefty pointed out.
"Akash," Yung said warningly.
"Fine, nickname." But he stopped with the jokes. "Don't worry about me, darling," he said, far more gently as he looked at Jinora's distraught expression, "I'm just fine."
Kai's hands balled into fists, but he didn't say anything against it. "I just need to go check with Otaku, quickly, about some financial stuff, and then I'll join you all back at the house."
It wasn't a request, Jinora realized, as he strode off to the desk Otaku had taken a seat behind, and she wondered when he'd become used to not having to ask Alright? after every suggestion.
"I'll walk up with you," Yung said brightly. For a moment, Jinora almost followed them, but a regretful look from Yung made her hesitate for a moment, before heading back to the estate.
She saw her parents waiting at the door as she made her way onto the path, and waved, the crew lagging behind her. Tenzin nodded, before going back inside, but Pema stayed, warmly inviting the rest of the crew inside.
"Kai certainly looks tired," Pema said quietly, pursing her lips once it was just her and Jinora on the stoop, as the Captain, navigator, and Skoochy finally started walking up the stone path to the mansion.
"He does," Jinora agreed, trying to smile when she caught Kai's gaze. He smiled back, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. He seemed so much...older. "I'm sure it's just because he's still adjusting. I'll make sure he has a good sleep schedule once we're back at school."
"Jinora," her mother said carefully, laying a hand on her shoulder, "just make sure you're not… I know how much the two of you care for each other, and I know you left things rather up in the air, but Kai might not have time for a relationship like the one you want, right now."
Jinora's throat tightened. "I wasn't even thinking about that," she said shortly. Which was true. She hadn't thought about that possibility at all, hadn't considered they couldn't go back to whatever they were before his fight with Zaheer, with an easy friendship and simple kisses. It wasn't like she was asking him to devote his entire life to her. Sure, leaving his crew and getting an education would be a radically different life than the one he'd probably thought he'd have, but…
"Even so, I...I'm sure he still cares for you deeply, I just...want you to be aware, that he might need a little more space. I expect he's been through a lot, and has a lot to process."
"You make it sound like I crowd him all the time," she said curtly.
"I didn't mean anything by that, I just—"
"He's my friend, Mother. He knows he can talk to me if he wants to. And if not…" Her eyes stung. Was he already drifting away from her? "It's fine. We'll be fine."
Otaku was babbling excitedly about siren migration patterns to a rather silent, but amused looking Kai and Skoochy, the boys exchanging twin grins, although Kai stopped by her side while the other two proceeded into the house. Pema smiled, before leaving them both alone at the door.
"Wanna walk for a little bit?" Kai asked.
Jinora smiled, and hoped her relief wasn't showing through. "Yes," she said a little too quickly, and blushed. "I mean, it'd be nice—"
Kai chuckled and took her hand, entwining his fingers with hers. "C'mon."
They walked in the gardens for a bit, and there were so many things she wanted to say, and ask, even if she didn't know how to say any of it, when Kai finally said, "I bet you aced your exams."
She smiled again. "Well, yes, except I got a 98 on one of them, so I wouldn't say ace—"
He laughed. "Oh, my mistake."
"And I came second in our fencing championship."
His eyes lit up. "Congrats, Jin."
She nudged him lightly in the shoulder, swinging their hands gently between them. "What about you? What have you been up to?"
"Pissing off slavers, mostly," he said, with a small, crooked grin. "And keeping an eye on their movements, tracking them. Although we've been doing a lot trading too, to pay off whatever debt Zaheer left us in. Republic City's always a good trading port, though."
"And the crew?"
"Drunk and loveable as always. Your family?"
"Good. My father's starting to prepare for running for re-election next spring, so he's quite busy, and Rohan and my mother miss you a lot. Ikki has a crush on someone else now, his name is Huan BeiFong, even if he's far too old for her."
Kai chuckled. "So I'm off the hook then?" he smirked.
Maybe it was his height, or the fact that the line of his jaw had definitely sharpened, his deeper voice completely settled into his throat, or even because she hadn't seen him in a while, but Jinora felt herself blush furiously, terribly flustered just by that dumb smirk of his. "I-I guess so."
Kai stuck his tongue in his cheek, as if he knew exactly how he was affecting her and he loved it. "You're not sure?"
"You—oh shut up—"
He laughed, using his other hand to cup her chin and lift her head, smiling into her lips as he kissed her. Jinora quieted, her hands curling into the sleeves of his shirt as she happily kissed him back, a little breathless when he finally pulled away.
"I missed you," he said, and his smile reached his eyes.
Jinora couldn't help but mirror his happiness. "I missed you too. Ready to go inside now?"
"Yeah." He squeezed her hand. "Let's go."
###
Having Kai and the crew back at Air Temple Island was something Jinora hadn't fully let herself realize how much she'd missed, until now. Even with Ikki and Meelo running around, it had been far too quiet without all of them, the mansion feeling much too large without the extra footsteps and voices during the day. The mansion had always been far too big for six people and a few servants, but it had never felt so empty before they'd all settled into their lives.
Though Kai's room was made ready for him in the mansion, he slept on the ship, citing his work as captain for the reason, something Jinora could begrudgingly agree with, even if she didn't particularly like it. It would've been easier to sneak him into her room at night if they were in the same building, but she'd figure something else out before he left again, and they would have plenty of time for late night chats and cuddling and kissing once they were at school, too.
Still, with her eager family and busy crew (who were largely self sufficient anyway, but Kai still had to oversee some things), she missed having her boyfriend all to herself. If he could be called her boyfriend, that is, as they still hadn't decided what they were, exactly, and while she was proud of him… she missed when they could just be teenagers, too.
Which, she supposed, is how she found herself sneaking down to the ship on his fourth night back, and knocking on the door of his new room, the captain's quarters. Her stomach did backflips as the door opened, Kai wearing sleep pants and nothing else, his face lighting up in mild confusion and happiness as he looked at her.
"Uh, hey, Jin."
She put her hand on her hip. "What, you can visit my room by climbing a tree, but I can't visit yours?"
He grinned and stepped aside, letting her in and then shutting the door. "Visit away."
She sat down on the edge of his unmade bed, glancing up at him, and the rest of his room. It was pretty bare, with a desk and a dresser, a bucket for washing up she assumed, and some hooks on the wall that Kai's sword belt was hanging down from. She saw a picture of the crew all together on the dresser, and smiled.
"I could get you a picture of myself you know," she offered, arching an eyebrow.
Kai smiled, glancing at her as he stacked a few papers on his desk. "Yeah?"
"One of us together, maybe," she suggested. "We could get it commissioned. Unless you want something a little more private?"
His ears turned red at the implication, and a hint of pride swelled in Jinora's chest. "O-oh, uh—"
He was cute when he was flustered, and it was nice to know she had the upper hand after getting so flustered in the gardens. "You alright there? You look a little red."
"Jinora," he groaned helplessly, as she laughed.
"I'm teasing. Mostly," she relented. "Hey, come here. Relax." She tugged him over to sitting beside her on his bed, as he buried his face in his hands. She kissed the shaven side of his head. "It's okay, Kai."
"You're a cruel woman," he mumbled, lowering his hands. His lips quirked up in a smile when she pecked him on the cheek.
"You love it," she said.
"I love being tortured by a beautiful woman?"
She swatted him in the arm, giggling. "You're ridiculous."
He smiled at her. "So, is there a particular reason you're paying me a visit? I know it must be hard to wait until tomorrow to see my handsome face."
She rolled her eyes lightheartedly, her smile growing softer when he took her hand. "I miss having you sleep under the same roof as me," she admitted quietly.
Kai sighed softly, and gave her a smile. "You know I have to stay on the ship."
"I do, I just… miss having alone time with you. Don't you miss it too?" She chewed her bottom lip nervously.
"I do," he said, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. "I've just had a lot on my plate these days. But I promise I'm gonna try and make more time for you."
She smiled, resting her head on his shoulder. "Thank you. I know you're still adjusting, so take as much time as you need, and maybe get some more sleep too, and then… you can focus on me."
"I'm always looking at you," he said quietly. "And I wouldn't mind that picture. The first one, of us together."
Jinora tried not to feel too wounded by his dismissal of the second offer—it had mostly been a joke after all. "Yeah?"
"Yeah." Kai licked his lips, speaking slowly. "Unless…?"
She raised her head to look at him. A blush was spreading all across his cheeks. "Unless?"
"Would the second offer still be on the table too?"
A flurry of butterflies went off in her stomach, and she turned her head, the tip of her nose brushing the curve of his neck. "I think I could manage it. If you give me one of you in turn?"
He swallowed thickly. "I know there's a camera somewhere on the ship."
She pressed a light kiss to his neck. "Alright then." She smiled against his skin. "We could even take the picture right now, if you want."
Kai turned to look at her, their noses barely touching, and Jinora wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him hard, and he threaded his fingers in her hair, holding her close, and she knew that this was a different sort of kiss than any of the others they had exchanged before. She whimpered against his mouth as he sucked her bottom lip between his teeth, grasping at the small of her back, and she pulled him back in every time they separated even for air, until she was lying on his bed with him on top and pressed wonderfully against her. He pulled away from her mouth for a moment, pressing warm, wet kisses down her neck, and she let out a breathy, involuntary moan in his ear. She was almost sure that the low growl he uttered against her neck would be her undoing, as he started stroking the curve of her hips with his hands. He captured her lips with his again, his fingertips brushing the bottom of her camisole.
Jinora sat up a little, pushing on his shoulders, and he watched with wide eyes as she reached down and pulled her top off, holding it in her hands for a moment. She was wearing a white bra underneath, and he let out a shaky exhale.
"God, Jin," Kai croaked. She took his face in her hands and kissed him again, her skin burning when his hands landed at her waist, stroking her bare skin.
It was almost terrifying how she just wanted more of him, as she tangled her fingers in his hair and ran her tongue along his, tasting him hungrily. He tasted like salt and the salad they'd had for dinner that night and the sea. He wound his arms around her waist, holding her tight as his weight settled back over hers. She spread her legs apart, squeezing his hips between her thighs, and he stiffened, pulling away from her mouth regretfully.
"We should stop," he managed, his voice a low husk. He hoped he would sound stronger, that his defences would last, if she tried to convince him otherwise; he had a feeling he wouldn't be able to resist her for too long.
"Did I do something wrong?" she asked, her head tilting slightly, all too innocently for the position they were currently in.
"No, no," he said quickly. "You didn't do anything wrong. I just—" He tried to ignore the way his pants were uncomfortably tight. "Don't want to get carried away."
She bit her lip, and he wasn't sure if it was innocently endearing or all too tempting. "Oh. Okay." She was still lying down when he sat up, feeling far too warm even for summertime.
"It's not because I don't—want you," he said, stumbling over his words. If he wasn't red in the face before, he was now. "I just—"
Jinora sat up, and brushed his hair off his forehead with gentle fingers. "It's alright. You don't have to explain." She pressed a soft, chaste kiss to his forehead. "You're a good guy, Kai."
He let his hands rest on her waist again, even if his touch was still a tad tentative. "I still want to kiss you, though. Just… we gotta make sure we keep the rest of our clothes on. Okay?"
She smiled, but nodded, sincere. "Okay. I want to keep kissing you too."
His lips were softer against hers, more controlled, until she coaxed him into something hungrier, but more relaxed. Less consuming, as he shaped his mouth over hers and she moved into his lap, running her hands down his strong arms.
"Show me the new tattoo?" she murmured, drawing away from his mouth for a moment, and pleased when his lips chased hers for another brief kiss, before he pulled away too.
He took her hand and guided it down to his forearm, below the compass he had inked onto his skin, and she ran her fingers over the new white lines. "Got another bird," he supplied. "A sparrowkeet." She ran her thumb over the lines, down the curve of his muscle.
"It's beautiful," she murmured, and she wasn't sure if she was just talking about his tattoo. She looked up at him through her lashes. "And… you must have a scar on your back. From Zaheer?"
"Yeah. It's completely healed now, just ugly."
Jinora didn't think any part of him could be ugly and she almost told him that, but instead said, "Can I see it?"
He pursed his lips, but nodded, and turned around so his back was to her. She saw the three little birds near his left shoulder blade, and then, next to it and in between the arches of his back, was the scar, stretching all the way down to his lower back. She ran her fingertips gently over the risen flesh, before pressing her lips to the top of it, and Kai's breath caught in his throat.
"Told you it was ugly," he managed, but she shook her head, pressing another kiss to the scar. She trailed soft, warm kisses down the jagged line of his scar, down to the bottom tip of it, before he turned back towards her, grabbing her wrists gently to stop her. "You don't have to, Jin. I—I don't need any pity."
"I'm not pitying you," she said softly. "I'm loving you."
His eyes grew bright, and he didn't stop her as she crawled back into his lap, taking his face in her hands and kissing him gently, until she pulled away to say, "Kai?"
"Hmm?"
"You're coming back to school, right?"
He fell silent, as her eyes searched his face. "I don't know," he admitted, and her eyebrows rose.
"You don't—"
"I'd like to. But I still have a lot of work to do. And going to school was fun, it's in own way, being with you and Lee and the girls was nice, but… I never belonged there, Jin. Not really."
She frowned at him. "So what you're saying is that you don't belong with me?" she said, equal parts hurt and apprehension.
"No, that's not what I'm saying, I—I just don't belong there—"
"That's where I spend most of my life, Kai. That's where our friends are—"
"Your friends, I was never that close to any of them other than Lee—"
She got off of him, and off the bed, looking for her shirt on the floor. "Well if you're going to be an ass—"
"Jin, don't be like this—"
"Like what?" She whirled around with flashing eyes, clutching her shirt in her hands.
"Don't put words in my mouth, you know I didn't mean it like that—look, I've done the best I can adjusting to your world, but you still haven't really tried adjusting to mine. I have responsibilities now, I have to keep the crew alive, and fed, and cared for. I have a reputation to earn."
"I thought you didn't even want to be captain," she snapped, tugging her shirt on properly.
"I don't."
"Then why—"
"Because I don't trust anyone else to do it, and I don't have anywhere else to go." He scowled at her. "That's why."
"Yes you do! You have Air Temple Island—"
"Just because you want me here doesn't mean I belong here, Jinora."
"Well lately it feels like you don't want me at all! Your letters are always shorter, and you hardly write me, and I had to find out you weren't coming home from Yung, and you didn't tell me about Lefty, or that you were thinking about not going back to school—do you even know how that feels?"
He got to his feet. "You're asking me if I know what it feels like to not be wanted?"
"So you admit, that I'm not wanted anymore?"
"That's not what—why do you always put words in my mouth—"
"Maybe because you don't speak to me, or anyone! Have you even told Yung why you're so tired all the time?"
"I'm dealing with it on my own, I'm fine—"
"The same way Lefty is?"
He flinched, and then growled, "Shut up."
"Don't tell me to—"
"You don't know anything about how Lefty lost his leg, so don't act like you do!"
She raised her chin, and set her jaw as their eyes met, his hard but cracked underneath. "It had something to do with you, didn't it? You blame yourself for it." She knew him well enough to know that, at least, now that it had become painfully obvious. The blame was most likely unfounded, she knew, likely because as captain he considered it his duty to take care of his men, but…
"Get out, Jinora," he said tiredly, even if his eyes were still angry.
Angry tears burned in her eyes as she glared at him. "Fine. I hope—I hope you—" she spit, faltering, trying to think of a good enough insult. Burn felt too by the book.
"Fall off a bridge?" he offered.
"Oh shut up, I don't want you to die—"
"Doesn't mean I won't, though, if I'm lucky." He strode over to his door, and opened it up for her.
She stayed where she was, crossing her arms over her chest. "What the hell do you mean by that?"
"Thought you'd be smart enough to figure it out on your own, Gyatso."
She walked forwards and shoved him lightly. "Don't you dare," she said fiercely, "don't you ever dare joke about that—"
"Who said I was joking?"
Her anger melted away, as she opened and closed her mouth a few times, before managing, "What happened to you? Does Yung know about this?"
"He suspects." Kai's voice was clear and cold, clipped short like a thin blade. "But I've always been fucked up. He knows that."
"You are not—"
"Yes I am."
"No you're not."
Kai let out a humourless laugh. "What is with you people, and pretending I'm not completely fucked up inside? You, Lee—even Yung, sometimes—and you don't even know—you don't even know all the reasons—like my mother, and the orphanage, and the streets, and the Triads—and the fact I can barely make it through a decent night's sleep—because my body's stupid and won't let me die and I can't justify offing myself on purpose because it would hurt Yung and the crew too much, even though they'd all be better off without me—you'd be better off without me—and Lefty would still have his leg, and—" A sob tore from his throat, tears welling in his eyes. "And my mother would still be alive, and—"
"...Kai?"
He wiped at his eyes, although it did little to stem the flow, opening the door again even if his hand was shaking, fumbling with the doorknob. "Just go, Jinora."
"Kai—"
"I don't belong with your crowd, Gyatso, so if you want to think that means I don't belong with you then go ahead."
A large, hot tear rolled down her face. "You're just going to give me up that easily?"
"Did I ever have a chance in the first place?"
Her bottom lip trembled as she took a small step towards him. "Yes. Kai, what is going on with you? Just talk to me. Please. Tell me something. I—I love you."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he leaned forward and kissed her forehead, his voice soft. "I'm sorry. I need you to go."
She closed her eyes, fresh tears falling down her face. "Don't shut me out forever," she pleaded, before turning away, and rushing back up the hallway, towards where she knew the crew's quarters were. There was Lefty snoring in the corner of one room, and a few beds over—
"Yung," she whispered, and the older man jerked away.
"Washappening? An attack—"
"No," she assured him, as Yung sat up and rubbed at his bleary eyes. "It's Kai, I'm worried he's going to hurt himself."
Yung glanced at her, eyes wide, and then scratched at his belly as he got out of bed, wearing pants and a sleep shirt with a beer stain on it, and herded Jinora out into the hallway, closing the door behind him. "Jinora, what are you even doing here this time of night?"
"I—I was...talking to Kai, and we started fighting, and then he…" A lump rose in her throat. "He started talking about how he might not come back to school, and I got upset, and then he—he started talking about his mother, and how the world would be better off without him in it, and I'm—I'm scared for him. I'm scared to leave him alone, even if he's made it clear he doesn't want me around."
Yung's brow furrowed. "He started talking about his mother?"
"Yung do you…" Jinora bit her lip. "Do you know what happened to her?"
"I have my suspicions." Yung sighed heavily. "Jinora, did you ever think maybe the reason he doesn't want to go back to school is because he feels like he'll never be able to catch up with you? Here on the ship, he's always been on top. Hell, now he's in charge, and that brings its own weight—but he still knows what he's doing. He knows what sort of future he can have. But you—school—that changes everything. And he's never liked change."
"He knows I don't care if he can't 'catch up', and I'll help him—"
"He's never liked having to depend so much on people, especially when he thinks he should be taking care of them."
"But—"
"Do you really think he could be content with having only the life you currently lead? With nothing but parties and fancy dinners?"
Jinora fell silent for a moment. "Even I'm not content with that," she said quietly. "And he knew, and that's why he talked to my father, and…" She closed her eyes tightly. "Will you please just go talk to him? Just to make sure he's alright?"
"I will. If he's bringing up his mother, than he's in a sorry state indeed."
She slowly opened her eyes, though they were still stinging with tears. "He brought up an orphanage, too. And something called the Triads? Only just in passing though. He didn't elaborate."
Yung looked at her, his eyes crinkling. "C'mon," he said gently, "we'll go make him some tea, and then bring it over to his room."
Jinora followed him to the kitchen, watching as he lit a candle, and filled a kettle, before Yung began to speak again. "Before he was on the streets, Kai was in an orphanage." He put the kettle on the stove. "And near as he's told me, they… they beat him terribly there. It's why he ran away, choosing to test his luck on the streets instead. He was around six, then, I think. Maybe younger."
Her brain connected the dots. "So when Zaheer used to hit him in sparring—"
"Exactly."
"He never told me."
"He doesn't tell anyone. And when he finally met you, do you really think he wanted to share all that with the first friend his age? Most of what I know has come out over the years, of me putting pieces together. Over seven years. And for his entire first year on the ship, he was still a scared little boy. Jinora—you make him happy. I can see it. But that's also one of the reasons he doesn't want to dump all his grief on you. He… becoming captain has been hard on him, but it's also helped him. Just be patient. He'll come around, and you can both figure things out."
"I just…" Jinora wiped at her eyes, sniffling. "I just thought it could be simple. I don't want us to change."
"Nothing worthwhile in life is ever simple, I'm afraid." Yung took the kettle off the split second before it started to whistle. "D'you want ginseng?"
Jinora blinked, chewing her bottom lip. "S-sure."
Yung gave her a slight smile as he poured water into three separate mugs. "Has Kai ever told you how we met?"
"No?"
"He was probably around nine, but he looked younger. I found him in an alleyway, or, well, he tried to corner me. He nearly took my eye out with the dagger of his, but I managed to disarm him, and well, we talked. I got him to trust me, just a little bit. It was enough." Yung chuckled softly to himself, looking wistful as he stared at his mug. "He was so scared, coming back onto the ship. But he was also ready, I think, to get off the streets. To...find an actual home. He waited so long to have one, but now I think, he's torn. Because he feels like he has two. One with us… and one with you."
"He...he said that he didn't think he belonged at school."
"That doesn't mean he doesn't think he belongs with you."
"But…" Jinora sighed. "I'm there all the time, and then I'm going off to university, and then…"
"I know it's a hard thing to accept when you're young, but just because you can't be with someone when you want to be, doesn't mean you'll never be together."
"You think he'd still want to be with me, after so long?"
Yung smiled slightly. "I think that's something you should ask him." Yung handed her the yellow mug with ginseng in it. "Drink your tea, and then go get some sleep. I'm gonna go check on him, and we'll see how he is in the morning, alright?"
"Alright. Um...tell him I'm sorry. For getting angry."
"I will. But I bet he's already forgiven you, and… you know he's not always the best at expressing himself. Just try and be a little more patient, next time? The both of you."
"I will. We will, I hope." She swallowed, and took a sip of her mug. "Thank you, Yung. I'm really glad he has you."
Yung's smile grew. "I'm glad he has you, too. Now get some sleep, kiddo."
"I will. Thank you for the tea, and...everything else."
"Anytime." He gave Jinora's shoulder a gentle squeeze, before heading down the hall to the captain's quarters. Jinora drained the rest of her tea, before heading back up on deck, shivering as the cool night air brushed along her skin.
Hopefully, they'd be alright in the morning.
###
Jinora waited a few hours past breakfast at eight o'clock in the morning, before she worked up the nerve to go down to the ship (and thought she had given them enough time, too). She brought along a small satchel of his favourite breakfast danishes as a peace offering, hoping that he'd at least accept them if not her apology.
Her stomach did flips as she approached his room, for a moment hesitating. He hadn't been up on deck with the crew, although everyone had been as friendly to her as always, so clearly they didn't think whatever was keeping Kai holed up in the captain's quarters with Yung (she assumed, as she hadn't seen him on deck either) had nothing to do with her.
But finally, she raised her fist and knocked quickly on the door. There was some shuffling on the other side, and Kai half opened the door, and she heard snoring behind him, although she couldn't see much but the wooden wall above his bed behind his shoulder.
"Hey," he greeted, his hair and shirt as equally disheveled as one another, and with dark bags under his eyes, but he didn't seem unhappy to see her.
"H-hey." She nervously flexed her fingers over the rim of the satchel. "Is—is that Yung?"
The corner of Kai's mouth lifted. "Yeah. He's been asleep for a few hours." Kai's already small smile faded, but he still didn't look displeased that she was here, just confused. Or at least she hoped. "What're you doing here?"
"I-I just—" She practically shoved the satchel into his chest. "I'm sorry about last night. I didn't think about your feelings, and well, I'm sorry, I—they're breakfast danishes, I thought you might, like some?"
He let out a soft chuckle. "You're really gonna try to soften me up with food?"
"Maybe?"
He gave her a small smile, his fingers gently brushing hers as he took the satchel, and set it down. "C'mon, let's go for a walk."
"R-really?"
He closed the door quietly, and then moved to stand beside her as the sound of Yung's snoring faded. "Before it starts raining, ideally." The clouds had been awfully grey on her way over.
She smiled to herself, and followed him. "Okay."
###
It ended up raining in the end, so they found themselves walking through the sheltered part of the garden, the backs of their hands just brushing as they walked.
"I'm sorry," Jinora repeated when she couldn't stand the silence any longer, but Kai shook his head.
"I'm the one who should be sorry, I—"
"No, I'm the one who started everything. I…" She looked away. "I just wanted to...to keep you, so badly."
He reached over, his fingers warm against her chin and cheek as he turned her towards him again. "It's okay. I just—I freaked out a little too. School's hard for me and I don't know if I see a future for myself there, but I—I still want one with you, but figuring out how to have the ship and you and… I'm still figuring it out."
"I want you to come back to school, and… mostly, I want you to stay with me. But if you can't, then I won't stop you. I...I really am happy for you, and proud of you, that you've found a place to not only belong, but to lead." She smiled sadly. "I just wish I could have you to myself, too. I suppose I'm a little selfish that way."
"I keep wanting you to come with me, so I guess I might be, too. Even if it'd destroy your family's reputation, and yours, probably—it's like I said. It's a lot easier to climb down the ladder than to climb back up. But of course, you can't come with me yet."
"I can't," she admitted. "And even if I could—I don't know how long I would last. O-or want to, I—"
"I know what you mean." They sat down on a cushioned bench, knees pressed close together underneath the porch roof of the mansion. "Do you think we would have met anyway, if I hadn't been at the bank?"
"Or if I hadn't?" she mused, and he gave her a sheepish grin, although it quickly faded. She reached over and tentatively took his hand. "I don't know. I like to think so."
Kai squeezed her hand. "I do too. But—but you gotta admit, we are an unlikely pairing."
"We are," she agreed slowly, something heavy in his voice making her watch him carefully.
"So—so maybe it's better if we… if we go our separate ways for now. Not completely separate!" he amended quickly. "But just—as friends. Or, or whatever we wanna call this." He held up their joint hands. "But not put, labels, or like, requirements? Do—d'you know what I mean?"
Jinora slowly slipped her fingers out of his. "I do," she said quietly, even if her eyes were burning.
He swallowed hard. "Jin—"
"No, it's okay, Kai. Really, I get it. You're not—neither of us are in a place for this relationship. It's fine." She blinked, and wiped at her eyes.
"I'll still write you," he said softly. "And visit, when I can."
She gave him a sad smile. "You better."
Kai looked at her for a moment, locking his fingers together, before he leaned over and kissed her softly on the cheek. "We're okay?"
She swallowed hard, but smiled nonetheless, her eyes bright and wet. "We're okay." Jinora sniffled quietly. "Hopefully, someday…"
"I know." He ran his thumb over the back of her hand. "You'll always be the first kiss that mattered. And I'll see if I can come back to school, this fall. I really will."
"I know," she said this time. "Just… send me a letter every once in awhile. I'm still here if you want to talk."
"And I'm still here if you want to."
There was an ache in her chest as she said, "I'll always love you, you know. Even if you never say it back."
"Jin…" He brought her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of it. "You are always my best friend, and—you know I care so, so much about you—I guess I—you know it's hard for me to—"
"It's okay. I just wanted you to know. And...you know you'll always have a home here, too?"
"I know." He gazed at her with soft, tender eyes. "And if you ever wanna go see the world, I'd be happy to show it to you."
"One day," she said, the weight on her chest lessening by a fraction. "When I'm ready, maybe before I have to go to university… Keep an eye out for a word from me till then?"
"Absolutely." His expression didn't change, and she let out a shaky breath, the rain pattering outside their safe little bubble.
"Kai, can I—one last time?"
He nodded, his eyes bright. "Please."
She kissed him slowly, shaping her mouth over his as gently as possible, afraid it'd be over if she moved too fast. He placed a hesitant hand at her waist, pulling her closer as he deepened the kiss, his other hand cradling the base of her head, neither of them wanting to be the one who pulled away first. Every time she nearly worked up the strength, or was tempted to give in to the lack of air in her lungs, he chased her lips, pulling her back in like waves against the shore. She wondered if she'd ever be strong enough to pull away.
But she finally did, after one last kiss, her lips swollen and trembling as she pulled away, and forced her eyes open as she let go of him. "Goodbye, Kai."
He gave her a small smile. "Bye, Jin."
They both got up from the bench, Jinora walking to the estate as Kai walked in the direction of the ship now that the rain had let up. She looked back before she got too far, and found him looking back as well. With tears in her eyes, she gave him a small smile and waved at him, her smile growing when he waved back. Finally, she tore her eyes away, and walked back to the house.
He wouldn't be leaving until tomorrow, would give her parents and family his regards, and likewise, of course, but that was how they said goodbye.
Looking back on it, Jinora only wished she'd known how much longer she'd have to wait for another Hello.
###
A week before school started, Kai went dead silent. His letters usually never took more than a week, or a week and a half to reach her, and she kept them where she'd kept all the others, in a periwinkle coloured boxed under her bed. His letters were longer than the ones she'd gotten before his visit back in June, and he'd written to her often, even sending several pages within weeks of the last, a few letters to Rohan and her parents even (though the latter more often received letters from Yung), before all of a sudden they just… stopped.
She waited a week past when she should have gotten a letter before inquiring to her parents whether they had gotten any from Yung, to which they replied they hadn't, her father stroking his beard in mild concern, but she left it at that. Maybe the Waterbender was just sailing somewhere further away, and Kai had forgotten to mention it in his last letter—although he'd always kept her updated on their sailing routes before.
She even asked Lee, once school started. He'd been disappointed, but not surprised, to learn that Kai wasn't coming back to school.
"Are you sure you haven't heard anything from him?"
"I'm sure. Even once my family came back from the city, there wasn't anything. And I went through the mail myself, too." Lee didn't think his parents would throw out Kai's letters, but it certainly wasn't a secret to him that they hadn't approved of him forming a friendship with the boy. He laid a hand on her shoulder, the two of them sitting on his bed; she'd come in the middle of him unpacking in a room built for two but housing only one. "I'm sure he's alright. And he can make it up to you on Valentine's Day, right?" Lee joked.
Jinora gave him a small, miserable smile. "No, actually." She wiped at her nose with the sleeve of her blouse. "We—we broke up. If you can call what we had being together, but…" she shrugged helplessly.
"Oh, Jinora, I'm so sorry…"
"It was for the best. I mean, imagine trying to maintain a relationship from miles away… especially since I haven't even heard from him for over a month now…" She swallowed. "I'm worried something's gone wrong. His letters never took more than a week and a half at most, no matter where he was sailing."
Lee frowned. "There has to be some way we can find out what's going on, I mean, someone has to know about the Waterbender's current whereabouts, right? He wouldn't just stop responding like that unless…" He cut himself off. "He's probably okay. Just...busy. Or sailing somewhere far away."
"I hope so. A-anyway, how was your summer? Your brother must have his hands full, right?"
"Yeah. Shun is doing a great job, father's really proud of him. He's taking over half the market shares and everything." But Lee didn't sound that excited about it, and Jinora didn't push it.
After the first week of classes, she wrote another letter, asking for a reply, however short, and got a small slip of paper in return a few weeks later, in Yung's handwriting too: We're alive. And that was it.
For now, she supposed that would have to be enough.
###
"Looks like we're running out of tinder." Lee tossed another old love letter into the bonfire, one of the many Kai hadn't had the time to burn. "We'll probably have to resort to finding our own, or burning up old notes, returned homework, and syllabi," he added with a slight smile.
"Rebellion is becoming on you," Jinora said with a slight chuckle. Her smile faded when she caught some of the words on the next letter Lee threw into the flames. "You know none of the girls that sent him those stupid letters seem to care that he's gone? Even Miki showed more concern than any of those—" Jinora clenched her jaw. "I probably shouldn't finish that." She sighed. "At least I know they're alive."
"They'll be okay. And...even if he doesn't come back to school, he'll come visit you when he's able to. And when he does, tell me, so I can come over and kick his ass for leaving us for so long," he added with a small smile, and Jinora laughed.
"No you wouldn't."
"Yeah. He'd probably win, anyway." Lee smiled when Jinora let out another giggle. "It'll be okay. He's probably just adjusting to being captain." He tossed another letter into the fire, his smile fading. "I'm a little jealous of him, honestly."
"Of him being captain?"
"Of him having the chance to prove himself as a leader." He ripped up another letter, letting the flame lick the edge. "It's dumb."
"No, it's not." She placed a hand on his shoulder. "And you'll get your chance to prove yourself too. Maybe not in your dad's company, but…" she bit her lip. "You'll figure it out. I know you will."
He smiled slightly, glancing at her with a fond look that was all too familiar, even in his dark brown eyes. "Thanks, Jinora."
She squeezed his shoulder. "Thanks for being here, Lee. It'd...be harder, if you weren't around. At least, this way… I know someone's missing him as much as I do."
"I'll always be here."
"I know." Slowly, she rested her head on his shoulder, watching him toss the remaining letters into the fire in comfortable silence. They stayed until the fire died down, before going back inside, not enough space between them for a missing third person.
