Hey kids! I'm super sorry if I didn't get to respond personally to your review, I've been hella busy! Anyway, I will do my best to respond to the next round- thanks so much for reading, reviewing, and for being patient with my updates!
Ooooh and I've been working on the playlist to this fic- it freakin rules and it's up at http :/ / grooveshark. com/playlist/Catchphrases/57109094
Either take out all those space or catch the link in my profile.
And without further ado...
Chapter 11
Schadenfreude
Lisa: Dad, do you know what schadenfreude is?
Homer: No, I do not know what schadenfreude is, please tell me because I am dying to know...
-The Simpsons, "When Flanders Failed"
The rosy light of predawn filtered in through his hospital window, coloring everything it touched with a soft mauve hue. Shikamaru could only just make out the shapes of things in his room. Catheter. Monitor. Nightstand. The horizontal bars of the blinds clanked against the window in a faint breeze, but besides the irregular noises it made, the room was blessedly silent.
It was within this comforting womb of silence that Shikamaru did what he did best: he thought. He realized that his first mistake regarding the follies of the past few days was in not taking the precious time to think, analyze, synthesize, etcetera. When he was robbed of the ability to utter his catchphrases, he felt as though he had lost a precious part of his identity, forgetting that his true claim to fame was his genius. Through neglecting his oversized brain, he had fallen into peril.
I mean really, what kind of genius formulates a plan wherein his best asset is repeatedly bashed in?
And seriously, was losing the ability to utter his catchphrases truly that bad?
Well...it was really that bad. But! The important thing to remember was that it wasn't the end of the world. The lovely blue and green planet upon which they resided continued to revolve, and likewise, the gears inside Shikamaru's head still turned, albeit a tad more slowly as a result of one-too-many-head-traumas.
And this was how Sakura found Shikamaru a few hours later as she opened the creaking door to his room: his brows furrowed, his eyes narrowed, and his hand stroking a non-existent beard as if he was contemplating some great veiled mystery. Sheepishly, the pink-haired medic mumbled, "Ohio, Shikamaru-san."
Startled out of his thoughts by the squeak of the door and the polite greeting of the scary female, Shikamaru instinctively flinched. Dear gods...why is she my medic? Shikamaru glumly thought, with just a twinge of terror, that Tsunade giving him Sakura as his nurse was very much like handing over the Kyubi to Uchiha Madara for safekeeping. In that moment, he confirmed in his thoughts that the Hokage had a vendetta against him, and that he should explore his options for a new career as a rogue ninja...or on a brighter note, perhaps Mist or Stone were hiring?
Sakura, noticing Shikamaru's apparent discomfort, raised a hand and waved self deprecatingly while shrinking a bit under his anxious scrutiny. "Um...Tsunade-sama gave me a talking to. Apparently, she's issued a new rule that no one is allowed to bludgeon your head under pain of death. Heh, heh."
Shikamaru blinked slowly. "Oh. That was...nice of her," he remarked, somewhat surprised at Tsunade's thoughtfulness.
Sakura shrugged, sycophantically smiling. "She said if you lost any more brain cells, it would jeopardize your mission...apparently, she has quite the bet riding on it."
That's it. I'm joining the Akatsuki.
Shikamaru took a deep breath. No, joining the Akatsuki isn't going to help anything. I just have to stick to the plan. For he had just spent the past few hours formulating quite the plan, and he shouldn't let all that plotting go to waste, now, should he? Forcing himself to smile, he finally replied, "Sakura-san, I've been wanting to speak with you. I've received some...disturbing news about Uchiha Sasuke."
Sakura became instantly alert at the mention of her angsty heart throb; her voice climbed up a few decibels as she gasped, "Sasuke-kun! What's wrong with him!"
Sasuke had been acting even more emo than usual, ostensibly due to his curse seal acting up again; ergo Sakura's overbearing concern. She took Shikamaru's hand in hers and clenched it tightly until he lost all feeling in the captive extremity.
Steadying his voice, he whispered, "We can't talk here...the walls have ears. Let's go...outside..."
Sakura covered her gasp with her hand, apparently spooked by the Nara's need for privacy regarding the upcoming revelation on Sasuke. Shikamaru slowly got out of bed, smoothed his rumpled clothing, and strode into the hallway— but not before grabbing a stack of post-its and a pen from the nightstand.
After Shikamaru had led the teary-eyed medic through the echoing, empty halls of the hospital, and wove his way towards a cluster of oak trees outside, Sakura could contain herself no more.
"Shikamaru-san, please, tell me, what's wrong with Sasuke-kun?"
Shikamaru sighed. Seriously, what isn't wrong with Sasuke-kun? Instead, he began scribbling furiously on a pink post-it as he whispered, "Like I said...I received some disturbing news about the Uchiha, and I wanted to confirm my data." He shook his head at her, and in contrast to his words, handed her the note which read, 'We're being recorded, even now— I'm bugged. This is top secret. Just play along...'
Sakura blinked in confusion and ventured, "Um...what do you mean?"
Shikamaru nodded; he could tell from her tone of voice that her response was truly to his scrawled message, and not to his verbal subterfuge. "I had the misfortune of walking by Ichiraku's the other night..." Meanwhile, he handed her a note which read, 'I have the misfortune of being placed in an S-class mission right now; I need you to verify something about this mission in Tsunade's files for me.'
Shikamaru cleared his throat and continued, "And I heard him saying something rather disconcerting to Naruto. I wanted to confirm something with you, since you have clearance, as it were, with them." He handed her another magenta note which read, 'Only you have the clearance to go through the Hokage's files...'
Sakura's eyes widened a fraction before they narrowed again. "And what do I get if I confirm or disconfirm this alleged...something?" Sakura asked in a calculating tone.
"I think it's fair, since you recently gave me a concussion...that you do it as a favor?" Shikamaru asked, his voice tinged with hope.
"A concussion... which you deserved... does not equal me doing something for you as a favor."
Shikamaru closed his eyes and prayed to Kami for strength before replying, "What is it that you want?"
Sakura fluttered her eyes. "Be my date to Kankuro's first semi annual cave man party tonight."
"Nani! I thought that was last night?" Shikamaru asked, unable to keep the sheer terror out of his voice.
Sakura shook her head. "They rescheduled it in light of your recent medical emergency." Sakura neglected to mention the fact that she was the root cause of his aforementioned blunt trauma. Gah. Troublesome women! Sakura continued, "Wasn't that sweet of them? I think Temari really wants you to come!" she chimed in a syrupy sweet voice. Shikamaru closed his eyes and ignored the double entendre that he was sure was intentional on Sakura's part.
Shit. Of all the things she had to ask... Temari and Ino were going to kill him for bringing Sakura as his date. And lord knows why Sakura wanted him as her date in the first place... The pink-haired kunoichi was certainly putting him in an uncomfortable position. But on the other hand, he really, really needed Sakura to gather this information, as per his super genius plan.
He sighed.
"Sure." He furiously began to scribble another note.
"So...what is the 'something' that you need me to look into?"
"I have reason to believe that Uchiha Sasuke... is gay..." Shikamaru deadpanned while he handed her a note which read, 'Find out who commissioned my current mission.' Really, finding out the small detail of who had instigated this hoax of an S-classed mission should be child's play for Sakura. Shikamaru was pretty sure that finding out the initiator of said dreaded mission would not invalidate it; it was only important that he remain in the dark about the truly classified parts of the mission, right? Furthermore, if no one ever found out about the slight misdemeanor, well then, no harm, no foul...right? Right.
Sakura cackled, but whether her laughter was in response to what he wrote or what he said, he was not sure. "So you want me to confirm...that Sasuke is, indeed, gay?" As she said the word 'gay', she made a motion in the air to signify quotation marks with her index and middle fingers.
Shikamaru nodded. "Yep. For reasons I can't disclose, it is really, really important."
"Well. Shouldn't be too hard to find out. No problem, Shika-kuuuuuuun!" she cooed.
Shikamaru closed his eyes once again and hoped that this plan really was genius, and not just the result of trying to think too hard, after suffering the death of too many brain cells via the fists of violent Kunoichi.
Well. At this point, I guess I have no choice but to see how it goes... our hero ruefully thought.
Meanwhile...
Anko ran around the ANBU surveillance tower with an evil, sadistic grin on her face. "Oi! Numbnuts!" she called over to Kakashi, whose face was currently ensconced in a book o porn. The one-eyed ninja surreptitiously placed a hand over his balls before Anko could fondle them; instead, her outstretched hand met with only with his knuckles.
"What do you want, Anko-chan?" he asked in his typical bored tone.
"Senpai! Your student, Sasuke, is totally gay! And I'm pretty sure Shikamaru has the hots for him!"
The surprised copy nin dropped his precious porn, and Anko took the opportunity, while Kakashi's guard was down, to smack his shielding hand away in order to grope his crotch.
Ignoring his yelp of protest, Anko smiled a shit-eating-grin and with ninja speed, dodged his violent fist. "Ta-ta Kakashi-kun, I don't have any time to flirt now, I've totally got to spread this rumor around!"
Kakashi readjusted his poor, mistreated family jewels before picking up his beloved porn from the floor and muttering, "Damn. Anko really gives schadenfreude a new meaning." He truly hoped that Anko hadn't been invited to Kankuro's first, semi-annual cave man party that night... Just in case, he endeavored to wear a sports cup to the night's festivities in order to protect his future, unborn progeny from unintentional sterilization at the hand of one, mentally unwell, ball-gripping kunoichi.
a/n oh boy, next chapter is going to be the party! I can hardly wait!
BTW, I've recently posted a bunch of chappys to my latest and greatest fic, "Song of Aether"- I would love it so if you would check it out! It's up at www. fanfiction. net/s/7283582/1/Song_of_Aether
...minus those two, well placed spaces of course!
But of course, feel free to click that blue button below before you move on- reviews fuel my youthful fires of updating! YOSH! (oh gods, that sounded lame, even to me...just review damn it so I can stop embarrassing myself. Please.)
