Happy Saturday! :) Sorry for the delay, my flash drive died and lost two thirds of my chapter yesterday. I had to start over. Ugh.
This chapter has more angst but I swear it gets better after this, lol.
As always I so appreciate all you readers. Thanks for all the support and reviews, they make my day every time! :)
Hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 11

Minutes passed like seconds as Barry and Iris held hands in the park. Barry allowed her presence to comfort him and help him get control. For a while, everything was bearable.

Until Iris's phone rang. Barry knew it wouldn't last forever.

Iris pulled her hand away with a whispered "Sorry." She dug in her bag and pulled out her phone. Barry knew who it was before she answered it, and her conversation just confirmed it.

"Hey, babe. Yeah I'm at Dad's. Okay. Okay see you soon." Iris hung up and gave Barry a nervous glance. "I should head home."

Barry looked away. "Yeah. Me too."

They stood up and brushed grass from their clothes. The walk back to the house was silent. As they came in the front door Joe got up from the chair where he'd been waiting. He quickly hid his surprise that Iris had found Barry at all and moved to join them. They all stood in the entryway for a moment, before Barry broke the silence.

"I should go to bed." He turned toward the stairs, but Iris touched his arm to stop him. He was glad he didn't even twitch.

"Barry." Her voice was soft. "You know I'm always here for you, right?"

Barry nodded. He remembered saying something similar to her a while back. He knew she meant it, and he knew she meant well. But there was nothing she could do for him right now. "Yeah. Thanks." He headed up the stairs. Her voice stopped him halfway.

"I'm coming over tomorrow after work."

He barely turned back to acknowledge it, but he did shrug his shoulders as he replied. "If you want." He disappeared upstairs.

Iris immediately turned to Joe, who was expecting it.

"What's going on? What happened?"

"I don't know, he's not talking to me either. But whatever it was, it was big and it was bad." Joe put his hands on her shoulders. "You have to help me, baby. We need to band around him."

Iris felt a small chill as she looked up at him. "Why?"

Joe's face said it all, but his words made it worse. "It's like his light is going out."

She didn't have to ask what he meant. The light that naturally radiated form Barry was something they both had always recognized. It was one of the things they loved most about him. She nodded immediately. "Okay, I'll be over tomorrow after work first thing."

Joe let out a deep breath. He'd wondered about this course of action but the circumstances were serious enough to warrant it. Barry needed them both. "Thanks baby."


That night Barry had less trouble getting to sleep than he had before. He was exhausted. Holding Iris's hand seemed to have helped. He dropped quickly into a deep sleep. He didn't wake himself yelling with his heart pounding.

Tonight instead of dreaming about explosions and his parents, he dreamed about Iris. His memories of both timelines converged and replayed every happy moment he'd ever had around her. There were so many. His mind flitted and darted from one to another.

But eventually his subconscious turned to other aspects of Iris. Slowly his dreams changed from happy memories to more disturbing ones, like Iris kissing Eddie, Christmas, and the memory of her beautiful face turned up toward his, practically pleading.

Fight for me Barry.

Fight for me.

Barry woke from a deep sleep with her voice echoing in his mind. The weight on his chest and the lump in his throat refused to fade away. His face and pillow were wet and his hand was searching for hers on the mattress. He got up for a drink of water.

It was only as he opened his door that he remembered he'd forgotten to oil the hinges.


Joe lay awake much of the night listening for Barry. It gave him time to think.

Joe had always liked Barry, even from the beginning. He was smart, kind, a good friend to Iris, and overall a sweet kid.

Then Nora had died and Henry had gone to jail. And Barry had filled the house with light. Joe had always been amazed that someone who had seen so much darkness could still have such a positive outlook on life. He had grown to love him as a son.

But there had been problems, as always. Barry had always maintained his father's innocence to anyone and everyone. He had continued to repeat the story about a man in yellow to anyone who would listen. Shrinks couldn't cure it, reason didn't sway him. Joe was sure Barry was burying his own memories of that night because the truth was too horrible to accept. Joe thought that Barry was avoiding reality. But Joe was sure he knew what the truth was. Tornadoes of light with yellow men inside them did not break into people's houses and kill innocent women. But husbands sometimes did. Joe saw it all the time as a cop. Often the children could not deal with it. Every time the topic came up there was an argument, or at the least a disagreement. Finally Joe had avoided the issue as much as possible in order to keep the peace.

As Barry grew up, it just got worse. Barry started a blog about the impossible and began chasing anything and everything that seemed like it. He made up lies and excuses to get out of work for it. It was an unhealthy obsession in Joe's eyes, and something that would never give Barry what he was after. Barry was forgetful, regularly late, and sometimes downright irresponsible. But Joe made excuses for him and tried to help him avoid the repercussions because he knew Barry's goodness inside. That's what you did in a family. As much as Barry frustrated him, Joe loved him anyway. Even if it was with a bit of eye rolling.

Because of these differences and disputes, Joe was pretty sure Barry held some resentment towards him for his part in locking up Henry. But Barry had buried it well. Joe knew that Barry moving into an apartment when he came back from college was partly because of their different viewpoints. He'd kept the board on his mother's murder a secret until Joe had discovered it. There had been distance between them.

Barry's coma had been long and horrible. Joe had missed him and had slowly lost hope that he would ever wake up. It had been such a joy to see him awake again.

Except that after the coma Barry seemed more fixated than ever on the impossible. Barry and Iris could have been killed in a high-speed pursuit, one man had died, and all Barry could do was babble about a dead man controlling the weather. Joe had finally snapped. He had been determined to convince Barry of the truth once and for all. But Barry had walked away, and all Joe could feel was that he had done everything wrong somehow.

The evidence had continued to point to Mardon, and the next thing Joe knew, a scarlet speedster was unraveling a tornado and Barry was on his knees staring down the barrel of a gun. Joe had never felt better about having to use his weapon. He had almost lost Barry again.

And at that moment everything had changed. As Joe fell to his knees in the field opposite Barry, he was finally accepting Barry's truth. They were on the same level, which had never happened before in their relationship. A whole new world of speed and metahumans had opened up, and Barry and Joe experienced it together. There had been some hiccups on the way, as always, but Joe and Barry had become closer than they ever had been before. Joe had watched Barry grow, learn, and become a hero. They both had shared moments, feelings, and thoughts they had never shared before.

But now Barry was shutting down and his light was going out. He needed to talk to someone and Joe was it, but the difficulty was getting him to start.

Joe's thoughts were interrupted by the squeak of Barry's door. He was out of bed in an instant and putting his robe on. In the hallway he noted how Barry didn't even meet his eyes. He made his decision and tied the belt of his robe.

"Get your robe. Let's go downstairs."


Mugs of hot chocolate lay cold and forgotten on the coffee table as Barry finished his story. Joe realized his mouth had been hanging open for quite a while and shut it.

Barry's elbows were on his knees and his face was in his hands, but his words were clear. "And then I realized I was screaming but I couldn't stop. I ran back through the continuum and when I saw your face that's what I ran to, and when I came through…well, you were there."

Joe's hand was still on Barry's shoulder. He gave it a squeeze to show his support. He was shocked and saddened. What an ordeal to go through. "I am so sorry, Bear. Why didn't you tell me this before? You've been letting it eat at you since you got back."

Barry's eyes were full of fresh tears, his voice lowering to almost a whisper. "I'm ashamed. I never should have gone back. I never should have messed with things. By doing that I hurt my parents, Iris, thousands of people…and you."

Joe gave his shoulder a small shake. "We've all done things that we're ashamed of. We've all done something we thought was the right thing at the time, only to find out it was wrong. The trick is not to let it bury you. You have to learn from it and go forward."

Barry shook his head. "I can't live with this. You're telling me you've caused the death of one parent and put the other in jail?"

"Well, no I've never caused the death of a parent. And if I remember right, that was the Reverse Flash that did that. Not you. But I have put a parent in jail."

Barry lifted his head as he realized whom Joe was talking about. Joe nodded. "Yeah. I put an innocent man in prison, and he's still there. I did that. And I'm ashamed of it. But I'm using that shame to move forward. I'm going to find a way to clear Henry's name and get him out of jail. It won't undo the years. But it's better than wallowing in it."

Barry tried to let him off the hook. "You were just following the evidence."

Joe shook his head. "I was ignoring the evidence right in front of me. I should have listened to you. I should've kept looking. Maybe I would have found that other blood. Maybe it would've been enough to provide reasonable doubt and keep your dad from being locked up." He shook Barry's shoulder a little. "We all have responsibility in this."

Barry nodded. He understood what Joe was trying to tell him. But it didn't instantly make everything better. Guilt still ate at him. It was going to be a long road back.

Joe seemed to know what he was thinking without being told. He gave Barry's shoulder a final squeeze. "I'm so sorry for what you lost, Bear. For just a little bit there you had everything you ever wanted. Nora, Henry, Iris. And then it all disappeared."

Barry was already shaking his head. "I didn't have everything I wanted." He gave Joe a sad smile. "You weren't there."

Joe swallowed, remembering how tightly Barry had clutched him after his return. Joe hugged him now, just as tight.


That evening after work Iris came to the house. She sat on the couch with Barry in companionable silence for the rest of the evening. Barry said little to nothing. It became clear to Iris that Barry was in the grip of a deep depression. He was wrapped up tightly, arms around his chest. Iris could tell he was in his own thoughts, his own world. She hated seeing it. He was so different. She worried about him the whole time. The television was on but she knew he wasn't even taking it in.

The next night was a repeat of the first. And the following night. And the night after that.

On the fourth night they were sitting on the couch in front of the television again when Iris got a phone call. It was Eddie.

"Hey, are you with Barry again?"

"Yeah, sorry I forgot to tell you." Iris got off the couch and headed for the front door to get a bit of privacy. She was pretty sure Barry hardly noticed. She quietly closed the front door and stood on the porch.

"Okay, don't you think you guys are overdoing this a bit? I mean, I've seen him at work and he looks a little down, but I think that's just because he and Linda broke up. He'll be fine."

Iris resisted rolling her eyes with difficulty. They'd had this conversation already. "I told you, you don't know him like we do. He's really having trouble. There's something wrong."

"Well I can't see how what you're doing is actually helping. You're just sitting there."

"Barry and I know what the other needs. He needs me right now. I am helping him."

"Oh really? Is that why this is the fourth day this week I've barely seen you at all? Doesn't seem to be helping."

Iris gritted her teeth slightly. "He needs me right now."

Eddie finally let it go. "Okay, fine. Why don't I come over too? We can both sit with him. At least then we get to see each other."

Iris hesitated. She didn't know how to explain it, but this felt like a family crisis and including Eddie somehow felt wrong. She and Barry had done this for years and they always did it with just the two of them. She tried to find the right words so she wouldn't hurt his feelings.

"No, that's okay. I'll be home in a little while. We can stay up later if you want to spend some time together."

She failed miserably. Eddie's voice was hurt, thinly disguised with anger. "Forget it. I need the extra sleep. Night."

"Ni-" He hung up before she could finish the word. She pocketed her phone and let herself back in. She sat back down on the couch, trying not to cry. She felt miserable. She wondered why trying to help people backfired so badly. She felt pulled in too many directions at once.

"Hey."

Iris started on the couch. She had thought Barry was so deep in his own world that he wouldn't notice her distress.

But it was the only thing that could pull him out of his. Instead of staring off into space, he was looking at her. His arms uncurled from around his chest, opening up for the first time in days. He stretched out one arm and out his hand on the cushion in between them.

"Are you okay?"

Iris thought about lying but she didn't see the point. Her best friend was in some horrible depressed state, her boyfriend was hurt and angry, and nothing was right.

"No."

True concern was on his face as he stretched his hand further, reaching for hers. She took it.

"It's going to be okay. We'll—we'll both be okay." Barry almost choked when he realized he'd been about to say we'll get through this together. He bit his tongue.

Iris nodded. This was the most interactive he'd been in days. She wondered if she could get some answers out of him now, but decided against it. She didn't want to risk him closing up again.

He was still looking worried. "Anything I can do?"

She blurted the one thing she really wanted. "You could smile again, Barry. For me?"

A genuine, surprised smile came through the cloud of depression. "Anything for you."

She smiled back. "Thanks, Barry."

For a moment, everything was perfect. Then she noticed the pain in his eyes and the way the smile became fixed and false. He leaned back to his side of the couch and kept the fake smile in place. But he didn't take his hand back or wrap up into himself again.

Barry was remembering how he'd said the same thing to her in the other timeline right before he decked Clyde Mardon again. She had no idea the things he'd do for her. Like back off and let her be happy with Eddie. Because she was happy.

Neither noticed Joe peeking at them from the kitchen, torn between worry for his kids and happiness that they would do so much for each other.


The next day Barry called Iris and told her he had to work late so she didn't need to come over. Iris didn't really like it but agreed because she wanted to make things up to Eddie.

Barry didn't work late. He went to Iron Heights Prison. He needed to see his dad; partially just to make sure he was really there. But he also needed to talk to his father, because of what he was going through. The hard part was figuring out the right words to do it.

But maybe the hard part was seeing his father this way again. He expected to feel guilty when he saw him. He was not disappointed.

Henry looked older than his years. Older than when Barry saw him in the last timeline. Fifteen years in prison had aged him far more than he deserved. All Barry could think of was how young and happy he'd looked that last night on the rooftop before everything had changed.

Henry's face lit up as always when he saw his son. "Barry, hi!" He immediately took in his son's appearance and expression. "What's wrong?"

Barry just shook his head. "Nothing, I'm fine. I just wanted to ask you something. What's the thing you regret most in your life?"

Henry just looked at him a moment. "You came all the way out here to ask me philosophical questions?"

Barry didn't have it in him to fake anything. He just gave his father a look, begging for an answer.

Henry hesitated. He didn't like remembering the night his wife had died. But his son looked like he needed it. He couldn't refuse. "Well, I'm sure you can guess that I regret everything that happened the night we lost your mother. But if you mean what actions I personally regret doing, I wish I had never touched the knife that night. I put my prints on it when I did that, and it's what got me sent here. But I was trying to save her. I'm a doctor. I was trying to stabilize the wound. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I had no idea it would go so wrong. I thought I could save her life. I'm so sorry, son."

Barry realized his face was wet again. A few different words, and it could be himself speaking. He'd had no idea his father harbored any guilt over his actions that night. If things had been a little different, they could have at least been together. He shook his head slowly. "It's not your fault, Dad."

Henry shrugged. "If it's not my fault whose fault is it?"

Barry couldn't answer.


Going to see his father had been a good choice. Asking the question had been the wrong one. Guilt and pain descended on him. He needed to run.

He went to S.T.A.R. Labs and got his suit on, then went out on a patrol. His team was happy to see him back in action, though they all commented on his unusually subdued affect. Dr. Wells commented that he seemed to be going slower than he had before but there didn't seem to be a cause. Caitlin took yet another blood sample.

Barry used his patrol as an excuse to run and think. In some ways having both timeline memories was a blessing and a curse. Part of him wished he could just forget the other one. It would take away a lot of pain.

The weight on his chest was unbearable now. The lump in his throat ever-present.

The other timeline descended upon him, weighing him down. He needed to run. Barry looped the city a few times. The problem was that running really brought back memories of that final night. He pushed those away but instead found himself remembering the Mardon brothers and his successful trial run. He was deep into memories of a different run in a different timeline when a woman's voice came over his comm.

"Armored truck robbery at 52nd and Main. You up for it?"

"Ir-" Barry abruptly stopped talking once he realized who was actually speaking.

"You what?" Caitlin's voice sounded a bit confused.

"Nothing. I got it." Barry streaked toward Main.

Cisco and Caitlin shared a slightly concerned look. Dr. Wells was staring at the suit readout intensely.

Five minutes later the robbery was resolved. "Taken care of." Barry's voice was slightly flat but otherwise normal. He continued patrolling the city, wrapped in his own thoughts.

It was twenty minutes more before Cisco picked up the next call.

"Barry, there's a fire at a chemical factory in Keystone. Some night workers trapped inside, multiple firefighters working but a few have gone missing."

"I'm on it." Barry shook off memories and headed straight to it.


Across town, Iris got an alert on her phone in the middle of a heated argument with Eddie. She grabbed her things and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" Eddie stared at her, ready to continue the argument.

"I'm going to go do something to advance my career. Obviously my love life is beyond help tonight." Iris stomped out the door and slammed it harder than necessary. She checked the address of the factory and headed out. Maybe she could get a blurry shot of the Flash if he was there. An eyewitness account always made a good story. Anything to get away from the apartment for now. Living with someone was hard when you didn't want to see him at the moment.


The factory was huge and old. Outdated safety conditions and building codes helped the fire quickly blaze out of control. Barry could see firefighters at work trying to contain the blaze so it didn't spread to nearby buildings, but they were no longer attempting to extinguish it. The voice of Dr. Wells came through.

"Okay Barry, the northeast corner of the building is where they last saw some firefighters attempting to rescue the night crew. They aren't responding to their radios and no one is sure what their exact location is."

Barry took a good look at the building. The northeast corner was relatively flame free, but the north and east walls were both burning. It was possible the firefighters and night crew were alive but had no way out. Well, no conventional way out. They couldn't run up and down walls. Barry bounced on the balls of his feet to prepare and took off. He didn't notice Iris pull up several yards behind him and quickly get out, tracking the progress of his golden lightning.

He hit the building going fast and accelerated, reaching the roof in a matter of seconds. The tar was already beginning to bubble in places, showing where the fire was hottest inside the building. Luckily there was a roof exit relatively unscathed. Barry pulled it open and peered inside. The short metal ladder led from the roof to a series of connected catwalks down to the main floor. Barry could hear coughing and shouting from a nearby room behind a closed door. The flames were close to it. Close enough to cause them to retreat into it and cut off any escape.

"Guys I think I know where they are. I need a few minutes." His team waited patiently while he raced down the catwalk and created enough wind to push the flames back a bit. That gave him enough time to open the door and look inside. Three factory workers (janitors, by the looks of their uniforms) and two firefighters were pressed against the back wall as far as they could go. They were already sharing the oxygen off the firefighter's suits.

Barry didn't waste time talking. He just grabbed the first worker and headed up the catwalk to the roof and down the outside to the ground. He left him by the fire trucks and ambulances, then headed back in. He repeated the move with the second worker and was on the way up with the third when several barrels of chemicals under the catwalk exploded. The barrels became live projectiles, shooting into the air like rockets and hitting the metal from underneath. Barry rocked back and forth with his current factory worker and hit the wall behind him, trying to regain his feet. Once he had he kept going, but he could feel the catwalk system shifting and sliding. The impact of the barrels had broken many of the bolts holding the metal into the wall. The sensation of his footing slipping and sliding as he tried to run up to the roof brought back unpleasant memories of the particle accelerator explosion. Barry pushed them away as he got to the roof and dropped off the last worker. He made it in and out with one firefighter and was about to grab the second one when the man started yelling.

"Wait! Wait! There might be another one in here!"

Barry stopped mid-grab. "Do you know where?"

The man shook his head. "No, there were three of us, and when we found the workers we were heading out and some chemicals exploded. We got separated and my radio was damaged. I don't know if he made it out!"

Barry nodded. "Okay. I'll come back to look for him, but you need to get out now." He grabbed the man and raced for the roof. The catwalk was rickety and sliding farther away from the wall as he ascended, but he made it to the group outside and dropped him off. He didn't wait for thanks, just turned away and spoke into his comm.

"There were three firefighters and I only have two. Is there word of another making it out?"

Caitlin double-checked to be sure. "No. Not yet."

Barry looked at the building. "Okay. I'll go look." He sped back up to the roof and went in.

Fifty yards away, Iris left her car and approached the group with a winning smile. "Hi! Care to tell an honest struggling journalist about your rescue?"


The catwalk was slowly ripping away from the wall as Barry came in, closer and closer to pulling away entirely. He wasn't even a quarter of the way down when, too late, he spotted the next set of chemical barrels about to ignite. Memories of his test run and the boy's model building supplies igniting flashed across his mind.

He had one clear thought as he watched them explode.

I'm really starting to hate chemicals.

With a deafening explosion, the barrels ignited and went off like fireworks. Really dangerous fireworks. The sound of screeching metal filled the air as the catwalk heaved and buckled, throwing Barry against the wall and then slamming him down to the metal catwalk floor. He lay there for a moment, stunned. His ears were ringing so loud he couldn't hear anything on his comm. He was a good hundred feet in the air above leaping flames on a catwalk steadily getting ready to fall.

Back at S.T.A.R. Labs, all three people were busy talking to him.

"Barry?"

"Barry!"

They could hear the fire over the comm. system but nothing from Barry. Caitlin checked the suit's feedback. Barry's temperature was rising and his heart rate was climbing. "Why doesn't he answer?"

Barry lay on the catwalk, feeling physically like he had been feeling mentally ever since his return to this timeline. Thrown down, beaten, left to lay in agony. His father's face swam in front of him. "If it's not my fault whose is it?"

It's mine.

He was so tired. He was so beaten. Guilt, depression and pain had worn him down. He didn't feel like he had the strength to get back up. And even if he did, what was the point? It just didn't feel like there was one anymore.

So he didn't get up.

Ears still ringing, cocooned away from human contact, he lay there and felt the catwalk sway and tip as it pulled farther and farther away from the wall. Every few moments another bolt would pull free or shear away under the weight, and the catwalk would drop a little further down. He found himself paying attention to that instead of anything else. Almost there. It dropped. One more. It dropped again. One more. And again. One more. He thought it every time a bolt gave way.

He felt almost at peace now. Better to go out in a blaze than freeze to death. He hated the cold with his new metabolism anyway. Hopefully this would be too much for him to heal from. His team would think he'd died being a hero, and only Joe and he would know about his failings. One more…one more.

One more.

A sigh escaped him. He closed his eyes. He dropped further.

One more.

His mother's face slipped into his mind, like a ripple on a pond. I'm sorry Mom.

One more.

Even through her tears, his mother smiled at him. One more.

Life.

One more life, Barry.

His eyes opened. One. More. Life.

He took a deep, shaky breath inward. Think of me, and save one more life.

His head lifted up. He wondered if his mother had realized whose life would need saving when she'd said that. Almost instantly he knew the answer. Of course she had. She was his mother.

He groaned as he rolled to his side and pushed up to his feet. The movement and redistribution of his weight rocked the catwalk and sheared off the few remaining bolts left.

He started running.

The catwalk began to fall through the air as he ran up it, forcing him to accelerate his speed in order to get to the ladder in time. Once he was on the roof he ran for the side, but he could tell that the roof was getting ready to go too. He ran across it, feeling the materials give way under his feet and fall into the flames below. It was almost like walking on air. He hit the side and ran down so fast he stumbled when he reached the ground. He flipped and rolled for a few feet, skidding to a halt finally. There was a deafening roar as the roof of the building collapsed inward. He was breathing hard, partly because of his narrow escape, and partly because of the reason his escape had been so last minute. He felt like he'd just awakened from a trance-like state. Things were crisp and clear all of a sudden.

His hyper healing finally repaired his ears enough to allow the chatter on his comm. to come through.

"Barry, answer me!" Harrison sounded almost frantic.

"I'm here. I'm okay. My ears are still ringing but I can hear you now."

Cisco, Caitlin and Harrison all went limp with relief.

Barry staggered to his feet. "What about the last firefighter? Did he make it out?"

Cisco checked. "He made it out a back entrance. He's fine. Took a bit for everyone to be accounted for."

Barry nodded. "Good." He took a deep breath and looked up at the stars. He thought of his mother and offered a silent thank you. One more life, Mom.

He looked over towards the fire engines and ambulances and realized that one figure had detached itself from the group and was moving toward him. She was still a good thirty feet away, but he knew her immediately. He would always know her.

He let Iris get within ten feet of him. All he could see was her face. She made him so happy. All he could think about was her last request. This time it was easy.

So he smiled at her.

She smiled back in relief. She had obviously been a little worried.

The weight on his chest eased somewhat. The lump in his throat went away. He smiled wider.

Her hair blew up in the breeze as he left. Still smiling as well, she turned back to the group she was interviewing.