A/N: Thanks to those still reading. This one takes place after Aramis' second suicide attempt, the one where Athos' discovered him and had his own breakdown.
Summary: Aramis struggles to accept how he's changed after the massacre. Porthos does his best to help.
Warnings: There is some discussion of suicide.
A Good Man
A couple hours after Athos brings Aramis back from his latest counseling session, Porthos finds him down by the lake, about a half mile from home. He's the only one down there, which isn't surprising given the chill that's coming off the lake. Still, he finds Aramis sitting in the sand, legs drawn up and bent at the knees, staring out towards the horizon.
"Hey, Aramis," he says, sitting down next to the man.
Aramis nods but doesn't respond.
"We've been looking for you."
"Sorry," Aramis says quietly.
"You need to at least write a note when you go somewhere." Porthos tries to keep his voice even.
"Sorry." It's a more broken this time.
"It's okay, we're just worried about where you went. It's not the best weather to be outside, especially down here." There is rain threatening in the distance and ahead of it a cool wind. The morning started out warm in the seventies and it's already down into the fifties and forecast to go lower before the sun sets.
"It's thinking weather," Aramis says after a pause.
"Rain and cold are thinking weather?" Porthos looks at Aramis, who's still not looked away from the lake. He's better rested and healthier than he has been, but there's still some ways to go. The worst is the look of despair that is ever-present on his face. Porthos has seen it on Athos in the past and he doesn't like it on either man.
It's been a month since Aramis' last suicide attempt, the one where Athos found him and had a breakdown of his own not long after that they nearly missed. In that time, they've finally found a psychiatrist, Frank Lemay, who Aramis likes. The month has been filled with improvement but also a lot of angst and anxiety. He's out of the critical suicide watch period, but Porthos still feels like they're living on the edge.
"You want to talk about it," Porthos asks when Aramis is silent for several moments. Lemay has spoken to all of them, Athos, Treville, Sarah, and him, about techniques and tips for helping Aramis through his rough patches when he can't get out of them himself. As much as Porthos is accustomed to working with Athos when he hit's a low period, Aramis is a different story and Porthos is glad to have more of a toolkit of what to do. The easiest, and one the comes naturally to him is talking.
Aramis shakes his head lightly.
"You want to talk to Athos about it? He could be down here in a few minutes." Porthos knows that Aramis often talks to Athos about his illnesses because he understands at a level that helps Aramis more. Porthos is often left to standard clichés that do little but annoy Aramis.
"No," Aramis says with a small smile.
They sit in silence for a while longer, Porthos forcing himself to not speak. He knows that his tendency to speak has, in the past, unsettled Aramis and made him back away.
"Did something happen at your session," Porthos asks, shivering as a cool breeze rakes over them. He sees Aramis hug his legs tighter, curling in against the wind. "Do you mind?" Porthos holds an arm out, indicating that he wants to pull Aramis closer to him.
Aramis shrugs his shoulders, but leans in towards Porthos, feeling the warmth of the larger man against his body. It's a comforting feeling and he hadn't realized how cold he was.
"Lemay says I need to start to accept the new me," Aramis says quietly. "He says that's holding me back right now."
"And what do you think about that?"
Aramis pauses. "I liked the old me just as well. I didn't think there was anything seriously wrong with the old me. I never did anything illegal or wrong. I never hurt anyone except those kids and my teammates."
"You didn't hurt them," Porthos says firmly, but calmly.
Aramis doesn't say anything to that, which in itself is progress.
"I just want to be who I was, not who I am now." Aramis' leans more into Porthos, his voice low and sad.
They lapse into silence again.
"Would you do any of those things now," Porthos asks.
"What things?" Aramis shifts to look up at Porthos.
"Illegal things. Hurting people?"
"No, of course not."
"Then that's something that's still the same. You don't want to do criminal things. You don't want to hurt others." Porthos keeps his voice calm and steady.
"It's a bit more than that, Porthos."
"I know, but there are some things that haven't changed."
"Always looking on the positive side, aren't you," Aramis says with a slight smile.
"Not always, but I try." Porthos pulls Aramis in a little closer and curls in some on himself when another cold wind burst hits. They should be heading home, but Porthos is loathed to disturb Aramis' relative peace as well as his thoughts.
"I'm tired of all of this, Porthos," Aramis says after a few moments. "I hate that the slightest thing triggers me to a flashback or panic attack. I hate feeling so depressed and hurting so much that being dead sounds a lot better. I don't want to hurt anymore, Porthos." Aramis takes a breath and Porthos can hear the wetness. "I don't like this new me." Porthos takes hold of Aramis with both arms as he leans into him more. Aramis is more in his lap now with his head against Porthos' chest. Porthos can feel his shirt getting wet as Aramis quietly cries.
He waits, thinks. He's had little experience with things such as these. Being held captive by criminals he and Athos were investigating a few years ago had changed him some, left him with the occasional flashback and nightmare, but he didn't find himself a wholly different person after.
"I…," Porthos hesitates as he contemplates what to say. What could he say to ease his friend's suffering? "I don't know what to say, Aramis. I could say you're getting better. That you won't always feel this way. But what good will that do you now? You've heard it all half a million times and most of them from me."
Aramis remains quiet.
"Personally, I don't see anything not to like about the new you. Now, this isn't taking into account your illnesses because they aren't you. You're not defined by them. I can say, I see a young man who is hard-working, kind, considerate, well-liked, and compassionate. You think far less of yourself than you should and you doubt yourself far more than you need. You're the kind of person I'd like to count as a brother and I don't welcome just anyone into my family. Ask Athos." Porthos pauses, looking out at the lake.
"You're a good man, Aramis, and I'll tell it to you every day, twice a day until you believe it with your heart," Porthos says, straining to hold back his own tears.
"Both of us will, Aramis," Athos says, kneeling in front of Porthos. Aramis and Porthos jump at the sudden noise. "We'll be here to always remind you that you're a good man and worthy until you can do it yourself and even then we'll remind you because there will be times when you need to hear it again." Athos runs a hand through Aramis' hair, ruffling it in a way he knows soothes him.
After a long moment, Aramis frees himself from Porthos' grasp and leans back on his legs. He shivers in the cold. "Why?"
"Why what," Porthos asks. He takes the jacket Athos hands him, putting it on and watches as Athos wraps a blanket around Aramis. It's his favorite one and Porthos knows that Athos realized Aramis would be more likely to wrap up in that than put a jacket on.
"You two barely know me. It hasn't even been a year since we met. Why are you willing to make these promises? How can you put such trust and faith in me that I'll remain a good enough person to be worthy of your friendship?"
"Well, for starters," Porthos beings, "we don't have the trust issues that you justifiably do. It's easier for us. And it helps that you have a set of good character references in Sarah and Treville."
Aramis chuckles lightly at that, pulling the blanket in tighter.
"We've also seen you at your worst, 'Mis and it's hard to remain a good, decent person when you're at your worst," Athos says.
"And some of it is a leap of faith. Making friends comes down to a leap of faith. Sometimes it's worth it and other times you get burned. But I don't think this is one of those times. It's been ten months and I think it's completely worth it," Porthos says.
"Me too," Athos adds. "Even with everything that you're going through and the help you're needing now, it's worth it."
"I want to believe it. All of it. That I can fully trust you two. That I'm a good man. That I should like the new me." Aramis swallows heavily, looking down. "I really do. But it all just seems impossible."
"Time, 'Mis. Give it time. Nothing that is worth it happens in an instant. Remember what Sarah tells you, not today, not tomorrow, not next week, but someday and with each day that someday is getting closer."
Aramis nods. "I'll try."
"That's all we ask," Porthos says.
"And to talk to us if you need or want," Athos adds.
"Yes, always that."
"Okay." Aramis gives a slight smile.
"You feeling any better," Porthos asks after a moment's pause.
Aramis shrugs his shoulders. "Some."
"That's good."
"Yes, now how about we go get in the car and head home before we all get wet," Athos says.
Aramis nods and slowly rises. Athos and Porthos, who get to their feet quickly, stay close in case he's unsteady.
Halfway up the ramp, Aramis speaks quietly. "Could you make your hot chocolate when we get back, Porthos."
"Sure can," Porthos agrees with an easy smile. "Why don't we order in and spend the rest of this cold evening in the den watching movies?"
"Sounds like a good idea," Athos says.
"As long as there's hot chocolate and blankets, I'm good," Aramis says, a shiver going through his thin frame.
"We'll get down all the blankets you want. I might even have an electric one somewhere."
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Aramis gives Athos a slightly annoyed look, a quirk of his lips showing that he's not angry.
"I forgot about it until now. I don't even know where it is, but we'll go looking for it."
"You and Athos can go looking for it while I get the hot chocolate going," Porthos says, with a tone of finality that ends the mild bickering. As they get into the car, he sees that the heaviness that has been weighing Aramis down is lessened some and he thinks that they might have made some progress. Then he shivers, despite the heat pouring from the car and the jacket, and thinks that next time Aramis needs to pick a place indoors to have his thinking time. It's going to take a lot of hot chocolate to warm them up and he might just fight Aramis for that electric blanket.
