Chapter 11
Kakashi and Tenzo sat side by side, watching Gai do his laps. Or, the part they could see without moving.
They had a perfect view of the home stretch from a cement porch behind the back door of the mess hall, where one would normally wheel in deliveries of food packed in crates. Kakashi guessed by the bleak construction and side by side ramp and stairs that it was actually an unloading area.
The porch, or unloading area, was sheltered from the intermittent rain by the eaves of the roof. Not for watching friends make punishment laps in the rain, but for safety reasons, since no one wanted to slip while trying to get 500 pounds of frozen fish from the back of a cart to the pantry of a military kitchen. Still, Tenzo seemed content to use the loading area for that purpose, and Kakashi couldn't blame him. They'd spent enough time in the rain.
"Sempai, how come you said all that stuff about being sick?" Tenzo asked, kicking his feet idly.
"Maa…" Kakashi tore his gaze from the sight of Gai plowing through the sodden grass again on his forty-third lap. There was something unexpectedly beautiful about the sight of Gai running, a spray of water kicked up with every movement. "Did you say something?"
Tenzo gave him a look. "That doesn't work as well when you're not holding Icha Icha."
Kakashi asked, "Have I ever told you that you're getting smarter every day?"
"Flattery won't work, either," Tenzo said. "I want to know the answer, Sempai."
"Why?" Kakashi asked.
"Yes," Tenzo said.
"It's true." Kakashi went back to scanning the field for Gai's reappearance. He could see Tenzo staring at him out of the corner of his eye. "I am not unaware that I have problems. It's just that porn addiction happens to not be one of them. My problems are all depression related."
He glanced at Tenzo with a cheerful smile, trying to pass off what he was about to say as no big deal. "Maa, and if this team makes me happy, why should I want to leave?"
Tenzo was stunned anyway. He whispered, "We make you happy?"
"Yeah." That was all Kakashi was going to say on this subject, even under torture. He glanced back at the training field in time to see Gai zip through it, running somewhat more clumsily than Kakashi was used to seeing.
"How am I doing, Rival?" Gai called.
"Fine," Kakashi called. Actually, he was afraid that Gai was going to slip on the wet grass, or give himself chakra exhaustion. But those weren't the most encouraging words, so Kakashi kept his criticism to himself.
"Why didn't you just tell Taichou that?" Tenzo asked, his voice still soft.
"What?" Kakashi scratched his temple.
"That we make you happy," Tenzo said. "I bet he'd get off your case…"
"I can't hear you," Kakashi said. "The rain is too noisy."
Tenzo gave him a dirty look, but didn't say anything more about it.
Kakashi pretended not to notice.
It occurred to Kakashi after a few minutes of silence that he could ask Tenzo about their captain. "Ne, Tenzo?"
Tenzo's head snapped up. "Yeah?" He looked at Kakashi curiously. "What is it, Sempai?"
"How well do you know Bensaku-taichou?" Kakashi asked.
Tenzo shrugged. "I don't know. Not that well, I guess. Why?"
Kakashi scratched his temple. "Do you know why he would be angry with me for saying those things to the commander?"
"Well, he said you made him look stupid," Tenzo said.
"Yes, I know," Kakashi said. "But do you think he's telling the truth?"
"How should I know?" Tenzo shrugged again. "That could be it. We don't know how he feels about Kuma-shou. It could be like a Kouhai-Sempai thing. He could be really stuck on wanting to look good in front of his Sempai. Like he wants to do a good job, so his Sempai is proud of him."
Kakashi smiled slightly. He found Tenzo's answer unexpectedly revealing. "Maa, well, I'm sure Kuma-shou respects Taichou."
"You think so?" Tenzo looked away thoughtfully. "I hope so."
The idea that anyone could look up to him even a little bit was amusing, but Kakashi could almost believe it of Tenzo.
xXx
After Gai finished his laps, they went inside. Gai was sweaty, soaked, and grass-stained. He had fallen once or twice during his laps, and he was limping as well. They walked in a loose triad on the way to the showers. They'd already gone by the barracks and staked out a row of three beds to sleep in, and retrieved some clean clothing to change into after their shower.
"Are you alright?" Kakashi asked.
Gai turned his head and gave Kakashi a combined grimace-smile. "Fine. I just kicked a rock on my way to complete my one-hundred and fifty-first lap. It's nothing."
"Maybe you should get that checked out," Tenzo said. "After all, you probably kicked that rock going sixty miles an hour."
"I'm fine," Gai said.
"Well, wiggle your toes for me and let me make sure," Kakashi said, uncovering his sharingan. "I should be able to see any broken bones by the change in chakra flow."
Gai stopped with a sigh and wiggled his toes.
"Maa…alright." Kakashi reluctantly covered his sharingan. "You look okay. It's just bruised, probably."
"Yes, I told you," Gai began.
"Forget it," Kakashi said. "You're a notorious liar when it comes to your physical health, and we all know it. So you don't have to pretend."
Gai looked surprised, then smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head. "You can be so blunt sometimes."
"You need it sometimes," Kakashi said.
Tenzo glanced from one to the other.
"You need to be reminded that we know you, can see through you, and don't have to believe any of your excuses if we don't choose to," Kakashi said. "It is far more satisfying for us to actually care about you than it is to pretend that everything is okay."
Gai blushed.
"Yeah," Tenzo said slowly. His brow furrowed as if he'd just realized something. "You're right."
Kakashi glanced at his teammate. He was curious, but he wouldn't ask.
"It's always better to care for someone openly," Gai declared.
Now it was Kakashi's turn to flush self-consciously. He watched his feet the rest of the way to the locker room. I'm trying…but you'll never know the true extent of it. Will you, Gai? You'll never notice. Because I can't put myself out there the way you do.
xXx
The locker room showers were large, with partitions between the stalls, but no doors. The partitions were lined with shelves, holding things like soap, shampoo, and sponges. When they got there, no one was there ahead of them. The locker room was deserted.
"Well, we missed the evening rush," Kakashi said. "That's a good thing. I hate to shower around that many people." The outpost was permanently home to a staff of about 500, including the lowest ranking shinobi that served as cooks and janitors and the like. In addition, teams were always passing through on the way to somewhere else.
Kakashi, Gai, and Tenzo picked out lockers to leave their clean clothes and sandals in until they were done showering, then took clean towels from a shelf and crossed over into the shower area. The floor was egalitarian gray tile, rough and sandpapery against Kakashi's bare feet.
He chose a stall at random, and noted that Gai picked the one directly to his right, and Tenzo the one on the other side of Gai.
When Kakashi turned on the water, he was grateful to find it hot. "Oh, good. I was afraid we'd have to shower in cold this late in the day."
"That would suck," Tenzo agreed.
Soon, conversation was impossible without raising their voices. Three showerheads thundering at once filled the locker room with sound like an echo chamber.
Tenzo was in and out of the shower in less than five minutes. The level of noise seemed to drop substantially as soon as Tenzo turned off his shower. He gave a sigh of relief. "Nothing like being clean."
"You have finished already?" Gai looked amazed. "You were so swift."
"You know me." Tenzo grinned. "I hate long showers." He rubbed himself dry and walked across the room to the locker area, getting dressed. "Well, see ya. I'm off to brush my teeth and hop into bed. I hope I sleep for at least fourteen hours. I'm beat. All that running today really took it out of me."
"Good night," Kakashi said.
"Yes, goodnight, Tenzo," Gai called.
That left him alone with Gai. Kakashi felt an automatic pulse of heat at the thought and flushed, embarrassed at himself. But unlike Gai, he hadn't masturbated since they left Konoha, and three days seemed more than enough time for his sixteen-year-old body to build up sexual tension. Especially since he'd been around Gai the entire time.
It dawned on Kakashi all over again that they were alive, and they were going home.
He sighed, exhaling a long breath in relief, letting his head bow into the path of the shower spray. The patter of pressurized water massaged his scalp.
Bensaku's words during the report to Kuma-shou had frightened him badly, putting him back on red alert just after he'd relaxed. Kakashi hadn't realized how badly until just now. He'd tensed up, expecting… I don't know. Abandonment? It seemed the moment he had put any trust in Bensaku at all, he'd been betrayed. How quickly he'd been hurt pointed out to Kakashi that he still wanted a sensei. In spite of the fact that Bensaku might not be offering to be that kind of person in Kakashi's life, the chance of losing Bensaku's support to promotion, to 'the way things are', just about gave Kakashi a panic attack.
And then, on top of it, Bensaku had been angry with him for trying to defend himself.
Kakashi backed up and glanced into the stall next to him. He needed to see Gai, have visual confirmation even though he could feel Gai's chakra buzzing away.
Gai paused in the act of shampooing his hair, both hands buried in his dark locks and covered with foam. "Huh?" He looked over his shoulder at Kakashi. "What is it?"
Kakashi shook his head slightly. "Nothing."
"It seems like something," Gai said reasonably.
Kakashi put on a cheerful smile. "Want some help with washing?"
"Well, I don't think I need –"
"I'll scrub your back," Kakashi said. He moved behind Gai and started washing Gai's back with the sponge in his hand. He half-expected to be kicked out of the shower stall. Gai would have every right. His help hadn't been asked for, after all.
Gai paused in what he was doing and let out a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Kashi. That feels nice."
His heart jumped. This was the first time he'd helped Gai take a shower. Usually they just washed themselves. He ran the sponge over Gai's shoulders, down his shoulder blades, washing down to Gai's lower back. He didn't know if he would be able to resist doing something very bad if he allowed the sponge to travel any lower. He followed up the sponge with his hands, taking the excuse to feel the powerful muscles in Gai's shoulders.
Kakashi kneaded Gai's shoulders lightly. To his surprise, he had some difficulty making an impression. He also found a couple knots. "Your shoulders are stiff."
"Yeah, well…" Gai trailed off, looking over his shoulder at Kakashi uncertainly. "It is a little painful, maybe." He smiled. "Nothing that sleep can't cure!"
"Sleeping with these knots in your shoulders might be difficult," Kakashi said. "Your neck muscles might tense up, too." He ran his hands over the back of Gai's neck, feeling. "Maa, they're tight already."
"Well…What do you think I should do about it?" Gai asked.
Kakashi smiled at him cheerfully. "I'll take care of it, Gai. I'm already back here."
"But you're not a trained masseuse," Gai said. "I'd hate to trouble you with a thing like –"
Kakashi kneaded Gai's shoulders with more intent, half-consciously directing chakra to his hands to help relax the knots.
" –that," Gai finished, strangled. He shivered. "Kashi, feels good."
Kakashi swallowed. A pulse of heat shot through him at Gai's response. "That's alright. It's no trouble at all." He continued massaging. The knots gave way under his ministrations, but Gai's muscles were still a little tight. He leaned a little closer, their bodies almost touching. It was a little cold being out of the path of the shower, and Gai's body was nice and warm.
"Mmn." Gai bowed his head. He tilted his head to one side and then the other, letting the shower wash out the shampoo in his hair.
"That's right. Just relax," Kakashi said softly. "I'll take care of you." He longed to be able to say those words in another context.
Gai moaned.
Kakashi kneaded the tenseness out of Gai's muscles.
"Kashi…this is really nice of you," Gai said. His voice was low enough to mingle with the sound of the shower spray. "I should do something to repay you. Anything…anything you ask of me…"
Kakashi definitely did not want that kind of key to the kingdom. "Just be my friend," he whispered. His eyes stung suddenly. "No matter what happens. No matter what…just be my friend." Don't leave me. Don't leave me if you ever learn that I have extra feelings for you. I don't know what I'd do. The fact that I'm living…it's all because of you.
Gai hugged him, pulling him into the path of the shower and getting his head soaking wet. The hot water hit him in a blast, half-blinding him and warming him through. Or it was Gai's hug. He couldn't tell. It was decidedly nice being hugged to Gai's bare chest.
"We are dear friends for all eternity," Gai said tenderly.
Kakashi's cheeks pulsed and burned. Now he knew some of the warmth coursing through him was Gai's hug. He turned to say something and had to steady himself against Gai to keep from slipping. He caught himself against Gai's chest with one hand.
"Oops." Gai placed his hands on Kakashi's waist. "Careful."
Kakashi looked at his hand and saw his fingers splayed across Gai's pec. His middle and ring finger were on either side of Gai's nipple. He'd just missed it. A pulse of heat went through him.
He realized his body was going to react further. "Maa, Gai, we better get out of the shower before we use up all of the hot water. We should try to be considerate."
Gai's eyes widened. "Oh! You're right. I'm sorry."
"No need to apologize," Kakashi said, smiling at him. "I just think we better go." Before you notice the erection my body is working on.
They walked together to the end of the locker room and got dressed in clean clothing. Then they went to the other side of the bathroom area to brush their teeth in a communal sink.
From there they went to the barracks to turn in for the night. Gai collapsed on his lumpy gray bed. Kakashi hesitated, then climbed into bed with Gai instead of sleeping alone, pulling the covers over them both and tucking in Gai properly.
Gai mumbled something in his sleep and snuggled up against Kakashi closely, hiding his face against Kakashi's chest.
Kakashi felt very warm. He stroked Gai's hair for a moment. He found the unruly black locks still damp.
With no Icha Icha to read, Kakashi found himself thinking about kissing Gai. He'd come very close in the past few days. And it would be so easy right now to lean his head down, tilt Gai's head up, and kiss Gai's lips. Gai was vulnerable. Freshly showered, his teeth brushed, Gai also smelled nice.
But Gai trusted him.
He sighed, kissed the top of Gai's head, and settled in, closing his eyes and willing himself to sleep. It wasn't hard, with Gai snuggling against him.
xXx
Kakashi steeled himself to go up to the captain's barracks and see Bensaku first thing in the morning. I can't stay like this forever. I have to confront him and get this over with.
The barracks for the higher ranking ANBU operatives was on the third floor, one floor above the barracks for people of Kakashi's rank. Sunlight slanted through the small windows, streaking the bleak gray room with gold. Kakashi scanned the rows of beds, but there was no need. There was only one person still in bed at this hour.
Kakashi was a little surprised to see Bensaku lying on his side in the bed. Bensaku usually got up at the crack of dawn, especially when they slept overnight at outposts, hostels, and hotels. The captain said a strange bed bothered him a lot more than the ground. Yet here it was, eight o'clock in the morning. Kakashi thought this had to be the only time in a barracks situation that he had ever gotten up earlier than his captain.
He padded up to the captain's bed. "Maa…good morning."
Bensaku let out a grunt and shifted. "What? What're you doing here?"
Kakashi poked his captain's shoulder. "I could say the same thing."
"I'm taking it easy." Bensaku rolled onto his back and looked up at Kakashi warily. "Is that against the law? Why don't you go downstairs and tell Tenzo and Maito to take it easy for a day or so, too? I know you're eager to get back to Konoha, but it's not that far from here, and we're in friendly territory."
That argument went against everything Kakashi knew about his captain. He didn't know how to approach that topic, so instead, he said, "You should discuss your anger with me. Unresolved issues will affect our teamwork." It was a by-the-book response that couldn't possibly be objected to.
"My anger with you?" Bensaku looked startled.
"Yesterday," Kakashi said.
Bensaku stared at Kakashi…then looked embarrassed. "Oh. That." He looked away. "No, forget it. I said something I shouldn't have. I'm always doing that." He grimaced. "Like sentencing Maito to 200 laps after that silly comment of his, knowing full well he'd burned most of his chakra racing me, trying to catch up. That was stupid. Did he do alright, by the way?"
"Maa…" Kakashi scratched his temple. "Yes. He did what you told him to. Tenzo and I sat and watched."
"That must've been boring," Bensaku mumbled.
"Yes." Kakashi shifted uncertainly. "Can I have my book back?"
"No."
Kakashi felt he should have seen that coming. "Are you coming down for breakfast?"
Bensaku snorted. "Don't try to act like a mother, Hatake. You're bad at it. And no, I don't feel like joining you guys for some lousy breakfast. I intend to sleep in, and you can tell them so." He rolled over, cupping his pillow to his head.
"Maa…" Kakashi wondered what else he could say. Nothing came to mind. "Okay." He walked to the door and turned around, belatedly remembering basic manners. "Ja ne."
"Hmm," Bensaku said. Then the lump under the covers that was his captain lay still.
Kakashi took that as an indication that he should just go.
He stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked down the hall on his way to meet the rest of his team, bemused. It wasn't me? What does he mean by that? It was always him. Or, that's what he had gotten used to. It was always him, his bad attitude, his thinking that needed adjusting.
Oddly, the thought that it wasn't him made him happy. He knew he should be worried about Bensaku – and he was, still. But all the same, his chest felt lighter anyway.
Halfway to the mess hall, Kakashi realized something important: In his new team, he wasn't anybody's scapegoat. When something went wrong, there was no one to turn to him and say, 'It was your fault!' In his new team, no one had to take that role. They all supported each other.
Maybe it was the maturity of living through a war. Maybe it was just that they had all been older when their team formed, instead of a group of bickering six-year-olds barely reined in by a young, eighteen-year-old teacher. Minato-sensei had struggled to keep a lid on Obito's blame-storming and Kakashi's name-calling, and Rin's crying whenever there had been an argument hadn't helped.
But whatever made this team different than the last, Kakashi was glad.
