Reflections in the Twilight (Final)

My heart has rooms that sigh with dust

And ashes in the hearth.

They must be cleaned and blown away

By daylight's breath.

But I cannot begin the task,

For even dust to me is dear;

For dust and ashes still recall,

My love was here…

I know not how to say Farewell,

When Farewell is the word

That stays alone for me to say

Or will be heard.

But I cannot speak out that word

Or ever let my loved one go

How can I bear it that these rooms

Are empty so?

I sit among the dust and hope

That dust will cover me.

I stir the ashes in the hearth,

Though cold they be.

I cannot bear to close the door,

To seal my loneliness away

While dust and ashes yet remain

Of my love's day.*


Summer was almost over as the cold north winds began to blow. There is only peace and quiet in my residence – the old hustle and bustle of activity during this time of the year was gone as I sat in my favorite spot in the lotus courtyard, just outside my room.

My mind played back memories of yesteryears, the good and bad, like reflections in the twilight. My children were with their father in Luoyang and I missed them terribly. Saying goodbye to them was the hardest thing I have had to do. I have dismissed all my servants except Zi Yan, who stubbornly refused to leave my side. "How can I leave you at this time when you need me the most?" she said poignantly. Zi Yan was brave and loyal to the end.

The shadows were growing longer as the sun began to set. In my final hours, my only regret was not saying goodbye to my beloved Cao Pi - the man who came to me in Ye City's darkest hour. Tears slipped down my cheek as I drew a sigh. Memories were all I had now as I let go of everything else.

"You should keep warm, Zhen Fu," Zi Yan advised as she pulled a blanket over my body. I reached out and touched her arm.

"Thank you, Zi Yan… for everything you have done for me…"

"Would you prefer to go inside where it is warmer?" she suggested.

"No, I have been kept indoors for too long… I want to enjoy my last days, basking in the sun and moon," I replied, taking a deep and painful shuddering breath.

Zi Yan began to weep. "This is unfair! Why did you have to die? While that bitch, Lady Guo has everything!"

"Zi Yan," I tried to calm her down. "It is fate and I cannot escape it."

"I hate her… I hate her…"

"You must not bear a grudge against her, Zi Yan… Her enmity is against me and me alone," I said, turning to the rich red sunset. The entire courtyard was bathed in golden orange light.

Suddenly, there was a commotion outside. Zi Yan went out to see what was happening and to my surprise, Lady Guo appeared and had brought along a group of the emperor's guards. Slowly, I stood up to meet her. Lady Guo was wearing an expensive silk robe of imperial colors, her hair adorned with jewels and her shoes were made from gold threads. I looked exceedingly plain standing next to her.

"Lady Guo, this is indeed a surprise," I began with a courtesy bow.

Zi Yan stumbled in and shouted angrily at Lady Guo, "This woman is rude and arrogant! I told her to wait outside but she insisted on coming in here… Don't you forget that my lady is of a higher rank than you! My lady is still the emperor's first wife!"

Lady Guo was furious. "How dare you speak to me… you insignificant, little servant!"

"Zi Yan, please remain calm," I gently admonished. "Since Lady Guo is already here, I will speak with her."

"Thank you, Zhen Jie," Lady Guo replied. "I knew I will not be expecting a warm welcome in this cold and dark place. I never liked this residence anyway."

With a sigh, I asked, "What do you want, Lady Guo? I am sure you are not here to re-live old memories or boast about your successes…"

She laughed heartily. "No, of course not! I am here to see that the emperor's will is done!"

"What do you mean?" I said.

Then, Lady Guo turned to the guards. "Take her to the main hall! She will listen to the emperor's edict for her!"

"No! Stop!"

Zi Yan tried to prevent the guards from taking me but they roughly pushed her aside, grabbed my arms and marched me to the main hall. They shoved me to the floor in front of the minister who unrolled the scroll and read the edict.

"Lady Zhen, you have committed a grave crime against the emperor by refusing to obey his orders… For this grave offense, you are commanded to commit suicide by consuming poisoned wine…"

I went pale and shivered as the words chilled my heart. My heart thumped painfully in my chest as tears welled up. Cao Pi, my love, my husband, the emperor has commanded me to die! What have I done to deserve this? He has taken everything from me. Now, he even wants my life! Why?

Zi Yan screamed in horror as a servant brought the tray with the poisoned wine in an elegant porcelain cup. The guards held Zi Yan back as she struggled hysterically to reach me.

"Zhen Fu…Zhen Fu! Don't drink it! Don't drink it!"

The guards dragged Zi Yan out as I stared at the poisoned cup and laughed at the irony that my life would end on such a tragic note. I turned to Lady Guo and said, "It must be a great victory for you – that you have finally gotten your wish!"

Lady Guo smiled triumphantly, "Yes, your fall is my greatest victory, Zhen Fu. All my life, I was told that I will be a queen one day. That was why my father named me Nuwang (meaning "queen"). I have come this far to achieve my ambition. You are my last stumbling block to becoming the Empress of China!"

"Is that all you have ever wanted, to become the Empress?" I asked simply.

Glowering at me, she retorted, "I don't have grandiose aspirations for love and family. To me, they are a waste of time…"

"Zi Huan will be disappointed to hear that. He loves children…"

"Don't lecture me, Zhen Fu! You have no right!" she spat. "After all, I belong to the man who does not love me. In his heart, there is only one woman."

I blinked. One woman?

"You look surprised? You are probably wondering why he would order the death of his beloved…"

Zi Huan loves me… he loves me still…

My mind began to drift at this revelation to the many heartaches and disagreements that we had over the years.

"That is because I asked him to give up the one thing that he loved most in return for the crown of the empire!" said Lady Guo with a smile.

I stared at her, puzzled and dismayed. "Why do you ask this of him? What have I done to you that you need to destroy me?"

"You did the one thing I could not do – you stole his heart… You, a simple woman with no ambition, and without a selfish bone in her entire being …I hate you! I thought that I could make him forget about you but the more I tried to destroy you, with lies, the traps and gossip, the more he turns away from me. At night, the name he calls in his dreams is yours. He never calls my name. He only needs me to do the dirty work for him so he could keep his conscience clean! I realized then that there is a part of him that I can never share; the part that you hold."

"I'm sorry that you feel that way…"

"Shut up!" she shouted. "I don't need your pity, Zhen Fu! I want you dead!"

Calmly, I said, "Why do you think that by killing me, you will obtain his affections?"

"It is the only way he will forget you…"

Lady Guo sounded defeated.

"Tell me, Lady Guo… Did he give the order freely? Did he feel guilty, or even sad?"

Lady Guo then laughed. "He was too drunk, trying to drown his sorrows. He thought that you had left him, thought that you did not want to be with him anymore after you refused him three times…"

"I have my reasons," I told her but did not elaborate further.

Zi Huan, I'm so sorry…I couldn't tell you that I was dying…

A tear rolled down my cheek. I wished I could tell Cao Pi how sorry I was for hiding my condition from him for so long. I was selfish in that way, wanting to hold on to his love as long as I could have it and had unintentionally hurt Lady Guo in the process. If I had died earlier…

"It is time," Lady Guo said gravely as she told the servant to come forward with the poisoned wine.

I took the cup with both hands – its contents clear but deadly. "I will fulfill your wish, Lady Guo," I said, turning my gaze to her. "In return, you must promise me that you will not prevent my son from ascending the throne after his father. And also, you shall not harm Cao Zhi and my children…"

Lady Guo grew nervous as she hastily accepted my terms.

"You have accepted my terms so quickly, Lady Guo," I noted with sarcasm. "Are you not afraid that I will come back as a ghost and haunt you if you break them?"

Suddenly, Lady Guo became frightened. "I… I am not afraid of you," she stammered.

"All right… I will hold on to your promise," I told her as I brought the cup to my lips and drank the poison. My body convulsed as the poison seeped into my bones. I began to bleed from my nose and mouth as my insides burned. Lady Guo's eyes went wide as she saw me collapse, the cup falling away. With a gasp, I stopped breathing altogether and my world faded to black.


I thought that I died but why was my spirit still lingering here? Why wasn't I lifted up to the heavens like before? My spirit was suspended in between worlds – something was holding me back. But what was it - witchcraft? My earthly life has ended. There was nothing left for me here in this silent void. Then, I began to hear weeping and voices -

Cover her face with her hair so that she will never see sunlight ever again and fill her mouth with rice grain shells so that she can never complain to heaven in the afterlife…Zhen Fu, if you think that I will honor my promise to you, then you are naïve and stupid! I will not only make your children suffer, I will kill them, one by one…

I recognized that voice, it belonged to Lady Guo. She was hovering over my body and gloating about her victory over me, her arch rival. Now, I knew of her true intentions.

She lied to me… That evil bitch! I will show her that I will not go away like she wants me to. By the gods, I will show her my vengeance…

She thought I could not hear her, thought that I was gone forever. The force of my rage was so strong that it jolted my body like a bolt of lightning. And I began to draw a long painful breath, followed by a terrible muffled howl. My eyes shot open and focused on the wooden ceiling above me. I could hear my faint heartbeat getting louder and louder. Hair was covering my face in wispy streaks of black and white and my mouth was dry and filled with choking rice husks. I spat out the stuffing and gagged on the blood as I rose from the wooden crib that was my coffin, the white sheets falling away to reveal white funeral garments. There was incense sticks and candles all around me. I was all alone and realized that I was miraculously still alive!

What is happening to me? I am supposed to be dead!

I stumbled towards a shiny bronze basin filled with fresh flowers and water that was part of my funeral rites and gazed at my own reflection. I nearly jumped with fright at what I saw – a demon with a woman's face whose skin was white as death, her eyes were bloodshot and her hair was streaks of white on black. It must be the strange reaction between Hua Tuo's medication and the poisoned wine that I was somehow still alive. Blood had started to slowly trickle from my tear ducts, nose and mouth, staining my pristine white dress – I knew that I did not have much time left. Before I die, I wished to remind Lady Guo of her promise to me.

I pushed open the door and dragged myself out. In the pale moonlight, my skin turned a haunting shade of blue. I scanned the rooms of the house and saw a light coming from one of them. Fortunately for me, Lady Guo was staying here for the night. There were only a handful of guards around and two that were guarding her door.

Be prepared for the fright of your lives, I thought as I stepped out in front of them with my hair covering my face and hand pointing at the door to Lady Guo's room. The guards shouted with fright and hastily abandoned their posts, yelling, "Ghost! Ghost!"

Suddenly, Lady Guo burst out of her room in panic. "What is it? Guards, where are you?" she cried out. Then, she noticed that a figure standing a few feet away from her and she screamed in fear, falling clumsily against the door. Her leg got wedged between the door and the frame and she became stuck. Yes, she should be scared as I refused to die and go away like the others. I hissed at her.

"Remember your promise, Guo Nuwang…"

She covered her face with her hands and was pleading for mercy. "I'm sorry…Please don't hurt me! Please…"

I purposely dragged my feet and moved closer to this cowering woman. I had to teach her a lesson about keeping promises - I giggled as I whispered in her ear. "I shall come for you… Remember…"

Lady Guo was so frightened out of her wits that she trembled and passed out on the corridor. Satisfied that she would heed my warnings, I left the cowardly Lady Guo and returned to the funeral chamber. Weary and tired, I sat down on the steps outside and gazed up at the night sky.

As the night drew to a close, the stars came out in their full glory. A soft breeze was blowing but I was not sleepy. I wanted to see the Weaver Girl Star and the Cowherd Star in the sky – the stars would be close to each other this time of the year. They appeared to me, shining brightly and proclaiming their love for one another. I was a romantic and would always be one. It was cold but I did not mind – I wanted to spend my final hours watching the sky as the moon passed quietly.

As dawn began to break, there was a loud noise shattering the silence – people's voices in every direction. I tried to stand up and accidentally grabbed a flower bush nearby. To my horror, the branch that I touched began to shrivel up and fall off. I stared at my hands and realized that my skin was poisonous – that everything I touched would die.

"Zhen Ji! Zhen Ji!"

There was only one person who would call me by this name.

Suddenly, there were imperial guards everywhere - I ran and hid inside the funeral chamber. My head began to hurt - I did not wish to see Cao Pi! I did not wish to see the person who sent me to death! The person who chose the crown over me… No more…Enough…Let me die in peace…

Cao Pi came straight to the funeral chamber and was shocked to see the empty coffin. From behind the wooden panels, I observed him through the narrow slits. He picked up the white sheets and mourned bitterly, "Where is she? When is my Zhen Ji?!"

"Your Majesty," reported one of the generals. "We have searched everywhere and we can't find her body."

"She is dead! My Zhen Ji is dead!" he broke down and was inconsolable. "Her body has to be here somewhere… Search the house again!"

"Yes, Your Majesty!"

My heart went out to him as I unwittingly let out a sob. I quickly covered my mouth but it was too late.

Cao Pi heard it and stood up immediately, looking around the room. "Who is there?"

He looked terrified and I could not let him see me like this. Cao Pi should remember me as the beautiful woman he married, not this demon woman that I had become. I ran out of my hiding place. It did not matter where I ran to – I just wanted to get as far away as possible.

"Stop where you are! Who are you?" shouted Cao Pi but I ignored him. He was shocked to see a white haired-demon woman fleeing the scene.

I was being pursued by Cao Pi and his imperial guards as I headed towards the river. I untied a boat and climbed onboard but the tide was not swift enough to carry me away. Cao Pi, who was ahead of the soldiers, lunged for the rope that secured the boat and managed to grab the ends, preventing my escape. His men gathered around him and started to pull the boat back to shore.

"Demon woman! Return my wife to me… Give me back my Zhen Ji!" Cao Pi shouted from the shore.

I realized that Cao Pi and the soldiers would be in danger if they were to touch my skin so I stood up in the boat, my back facing them and held up my hand.

"Stop! Do not come any closer or you will all be in terrible peril! Your Majesty, if you wish to know about your wife, tell your men to retreat to at least five li from the shore. I will speak with you, only you alone," I told them in a loud voice.

The soldiers protested as their duty was to protect the emperor. "There are many of us and only one of you," a general shouted back.

"Then I will jump into the river and drown myself. Then, your emperor will never find his wife again!" I replied with a firm voice.

"No! Don't do that!" Cao Pi cried out in panic. He quickly ordered his men to retreat. The soldiers tied the rope to a stump and left us.

When we were alone at last, Cao Pi said, "Now will you tell me where you have put my wife's body?"

"Why do you want to know where she is? Why did you come to Ye? Your Majesty has commanded her death!" I said bitterly as I remained in the boat, the river a vast gulf between us.

Cao Pi let out a sigh. "It is my fault that she is now dead… I made a foolish promise that I cannot rescind. It was my pride that caused her death! And I am sorry I could not save her. The least I can do is give her a proper burial, befitting a royal empress to atone for my sins…"

"Why would she want that?" I snorted derisively.

"Because she is my empress! Zhen Ji has been with me for more than ten years and she had sacrificed a lot for me… She deserves the honor…"

His words shook me to the core – yes, I have suffered and sacrificed all for the sake of love. To hear him speak of me so highly brought tears to my eyes. It was not easy to love Cao Pi and there were times that I almost wanted to give up. I still had my back to him so he could not recognize me.

"I know you have taken Zhen Ji's body. Please tell me, what do you want in return for her?" Cao Pi asked.

Slowly, I turned around and said calmly, "I do not want a grand funeral … All I ever wanted was for you to take care of our family…"

Brushing my long hair aside, I raised my eyes and met his. Cao Pi gasped with shock as he fell back on the ground, his eyes wide with fear. "Zhen Ji?!"

"Yes, that is right… I am Zhen Ji," I replied. "The poisoned wine did not kill me but turned me into this hideous creature!"

"Y…You are alive! H…how did this happen?" he stammered uncertainly.

I shook my head. "I don't know exactly…"

Then, I proceeded to tell him about my illness and Hua Tuo's experimental medicines. If not for his brilliant methods, I would have died long ago. It was my decision to make and I did it willingly. The poison that was already in my body must have reacted with the poisoned wine and somehow, kept me in this state of being, neither alive nor dead.

"Come back with me, Zhen Ji. I will find the best physicians in this world to cure you," he promised.

His earnestness touched my heart, though I knew that my life was beyond saving.

"Let me go, Zi Huan," I told him finally. "I understand that you had to make a choice. You chose what you thought was most important to you, and chose to abandon me. That is merely your choice. I do not hate you because I was not chosen by you… I have also made choices and bore the consequences…"

"I won't give you up!" he said determinedly. Cao Pi tried to pull the boat back to shore by himself but it was too heavy and so, he jumped into the water and attempted to swim to my boat.

"Stop, Zi Huan… You cannot come any nearer. My… my skin is poisonous. If you touch me, you will die!" I warned. Cao Pi stopped and stared at me forlornly.

I sighed. "You came for me. That is enough…"

"I can't save you," he laughed bitterly. "What good is an emperor if he cannot even save the one he loves?!"

"There is no cure for my illness, Zi Huan…"

"I want to protect you forever…"

I smiled weakly. "Do you remember Zi Huan? When we first met…"

"How can I ever forget?" he replied in tears. "Zhen Ji, you were the first woman I ever loved…"

"And I won't be the last… but that is all right. Despite all my faults, you loved me the best you could. Zi Huan, promise me that you will be strong and take care of our children…"

Cao Pi was sobbing. "I am not that strong… I don't know if I can…"

"Zi Huan, you will always be my handsome warrior, so strong and brave…"

He nodded with his head hung down.

"The tide is coming in… I would like to go peacefully," I said as the sun began to rise over the mountains. "Zi Huan, please cut the rope and release me… Let us say our goodbyes."

With a huge sigh, Cao Pi composed himself and took out a gilded knife from his belt. He reluctantly cut the rope and allowed the boat to drift away.

"Goodbye, my beloved," I whispered, watching him standing in the shallow waters until the mists took him from my sight.

"Zhen Ji! Zhen Ji!"

His anguished cries echoed through the silence as I lay back down in the boat as it drifted downstream. I was falling apart and barely breathing. There was no pain greater than the pain in my heart as tears flowed. Take away this pain, I cried. Please take it away... I cannot bear it...

I felt a warm comforting touch of the sun's rays as my sobs quieted. A profound sense of peace enfolded me. The sound of the water splashing against the boat was calming as my eyelids grew heavy and my heartbeat hushed.


Epilogue

In the spirit world, time has no meaning and relevance. I can take on any shape or float anywhere I want. My previous life seemed like a long dream and I cannot remember much of it anymore. However, I seem to have an affinity toward life around Luo River – the trees, plants and animals, even the people who make a living along its banks – the fishermen, the women who do their washing and the children who play there.

On warm summer days, I made the cool breeze blow and freeze the rivers so that the children could play on the frozen ice in the winter. It was strange that the trees and animals could sense my presence and the human children too. They told their parents of a "Luo Shen", a goddess of Luo River who lived there. Soon, the people began to offer prayers to this river goddess whose fame began to spread as a beautiful sprite who cared for everything that lived along the river.

One day as I watched the children playing by the riverbank, I noticed a group of well-dressed gentlemen who had taken a rest near my domain. They were travelers from the capital, I thought. There was a particular man in that group that caught my eye – he looked familiar, a handsome man but with sad and sorrowful face. Cautiously, I ventured closer to the group, keeping my presence hidden.

They were talking about their trip to see the emperor in Luoyang. The handsome gentleman was not paying attention to the conversation, instead he was looking out toward the river as he sighed.

"Do not be sad, Your Excellency. Lady Zhen has been ill for a long time. Be comforted that she does not need to suffer any more," one of the elders said to him.

"I did not get to see her one last time," the handsome prince said as a tear began to roll down his cheek. "I feel like a part of me has died with her…"

He seemed to be holding on to an embroidered pillow, his hands gently caressing it.

"Leave me alone for a while," the prince told his men. "I need some time by myself."

They bowed and left him by the riverbank. The prince started to drink wine as he sat down and wept.

The woman must have meant a lot to him, I thought.

From behind the swaying reeds, I observed this prince until the sun began to set. He didn't seem to be in a hurry to get home as he continued to watch the river with misty eyes. I sent him a gentle breeze to soothe his aching heart and he murmured a name, Zhen Fu

That name felt familiar, from a dream long ago.

"Sister! Sister!" a fellow nymph called to me. "It is time to go back to our world."

I nodded and before I left my hiding place, I turned back to look at the handsome prince again. Suddenly, he gasped and then shouted out, "Zhen Fu! Is that you?"

I was startled. Was he calling to me? Why did he call me, Zhen Fu?

"Come back!" he called to me again.

I hesitated for a moment as we stared at each other.

"If you are really the spirit of Zhen Fu, then you will remember me, Cao Zi Jian!" he cried out.

I smiled and floated away.

As I slept in my boat-shaped bed, I was distracted by his sorrow and pain, and also his uncanny ability to see me, which was not possible. I left my home in the clouds and descended to the earth again, in hopes that I could find this prince. I found him in an upstairs room of a guesthouse. He was asleep.

"Cao Zi Jian," I whispered softly.

He replied with a murmur, "Zhen Fu..."

That name again, I thought as I touched his head and entered his dreams. I found him, the prince, sitting under a shady oak tree and reading a book. He dropped his book when he saw me approaching. "Zhen Fu, I am dreaming," he said with a broad smile as he stood up and came over to me. "It is good to see you..."

I stared blankly at him.

He was a little saddened that I did not know what he was talking about.

"Please sit down with me," he said and offered me a seat. "I know that you do not remember, perhaps it is for the best. You came because you want to know about Zhen Fu."

I nodded.

Zi Jian then began his story about a beautiful lady named Zhen Fu...

After he had finished his story, he was sobbing and heartbroken. I reached out and gently touched his hand and blew a warm breath that caressed his wet cheeks. He closed his eyes and felt greatly comforted.

"Will you stay a little while longer?" he asked as if unwilling to let me go.

I merely smiled at the unhappy prince.

Sleep well, my prince...

Then, I floated away, back to where I belonged.

When he woke up the next morning, the prince picked up his brush and started to write what would be his dedication to the love of his life, Gan Zhen Fu.**

THE END


Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed reading this fanfic and yeah, the ending was all me. I couldn't decide on which version to follow so I decided on my own ending.

* Nirvana in Fire, OST. I like the version sung by Liu Tao.

** Emperor Cao Rui later changed it to Luo Shen Fu (Rhapsody on the Goddess of the Luo)