Disclaimer: See part 1.1
Community Property
By mizvoy
Part 2.6 Regret
Jan 19, 2380- Three days later
Trebus Transport Ship
"You're sorry that you didn't go talk to Janeway yourself, aren't you?" Marla Gilmore had been watching Chakotay intently since they'd received feedback from Rette about his meeting with the Starfleet admiral. At the moment, they were pulling the graveyard shift on the bridge as their ship made its way toward Dorvan with a load of technological equipment and medicine, and she had noticed that Chakotay had been even more quiet than usual.
"I don't regret not seeing her." He gave Marla a quick glance. She had been on the bridge when Rette checked in and had no doubt detected his odd reactions to the man's report. "Rette gave her the scans she needs to follow up on and told her the information I wanted her to know. That's all that needed to be done."
She turned to check a panel and hide a smirk. "And that's why you grilled him about how she looked, whether she seemed to be in good health, how she was wearing her hair."
He shrugged, repressing a grin. "I admit that I worry about her. I was her first officer for a long time, and I know that she tends to neglect her health."
"You mean you were friends."
"I suppose so."
"But now you're not?" Marla knew that she was treading on thin ice, but she also knew that the crew was curious about the strained relationship between Voyager's former command team and the way it seemed to weigh on their captain. It wasn't often that the topic came up, and she wasn't about to squander this rare opportunity to find out the details.
Chakotay was silent a long time, studying the helm readings as he considered her question. "I guess her friendship was one of the pieces of community property that Seven got in the divorce decree."
"Chakotay." Marla put a comforting hand on his arm. "I know Janeway got caught up in Seven's adjustment to being in the Alpha Quadrant, especially after the divorce, but I can't believe that she ever meant to end her friendship with you in the process."
"I don't think she meant to do it, either, but that's what happened."
"Rumor has it that she's sent you quite a few messages since we left Earth."
"That's none of your business." He scowled and gave her a stormy look. "I'm in no mood to discuss Kathryn Janeway with you or with anyone else, not now, not ever." He looked away, embarrassed at his outburst. When he continued talking, his voice was softer, apologetic. "And there's no way you could possibly know whether she's written me or not."
Marla crossed her arms across her chest in self-defense; she wasn't about to abandon her line of questioning. "You forget that I worked in communications at the warehouse when we first arrived at Trebus. I've seen a few of her messages arrive, and your sister told me about the messages she's received from her, too."
He groaned and shook his head in irritation. "My sister has a big mouth."
"All sisters have big mouths," Marla laughed, relieved that the tension between them had lessened a bit. "Maybe Janeway wants to make amends, maybe even apologize. Are you really going to turn your back on a friendship because of hurt pride?" She watched as Chakotay stood up and began to pace, and she wished he would trust her as an impartial listener; she was certain that he would feel better if he got it off his chest. "You know, Chakotay, we all need somebody to talk to. If you need a sounding board, I promise not to tell a soul about anything you tell me."
"Really?" He turned to her with a look of disbelief. "You know, Marla, from the first moment Kathryn and I met in the Delta Quadrant, we've been under constant scrutiny by the crew. I don't know what they expected us to do under the circumstances—well, maybe I did-but we managed to become really good friends, the kind of friend you make only once or twice in your lifetime. I treasured that, and I was willing to settle for it, but then Seven came along, and Kathryn's attention was focused totally on her. I felt neglected, rejected, replaced. More than once, I wished I'd sent Seven of Nine out the airlock with the rest of the drones."
"You and most of the crew wished that, I think," Marla smiled. "Seven was already there when I arrived with the rest of the Equinox bunch, so maybe you and the captain had started to drift apart already. I wasn't aware that the change was so dramatic."
"By the time we ran into Equinox, things had definitely changed." He nodded, his face thoughtful. He wondered whether she was aware of their three-month exile on New Earth, but decided not to mention it. "We were still friends, but not as close as we had been, and I missed that. I guess maybe that's why I eventually turned to Seven, to find someone to fill that empty place that Kathryn had left in my life. In many ways, she reminded me of Kathryn." He blushed and looked away. "I know that sounds silly."
"No, I can see the similarities, and I think yours is a very human reaction," Marla sympathized. "It was different out there. In the Delta Quadrant, I was still in Starfleet, part of Voyager's crew, working on a state-of-the-art ship. Now look at me."
"What?" Chakotay laughed as he patted the helm affectionately. "Are you calling this ship a bucket of bolts?"
"Never to its face," she smiled in return. "But, everything changed when Voyager got home, and it changed a lot more than any of us expected."
"That's the truth." He sat back down at the helm looking sadder than she'd ever seen him look. "It changed in ways I didn't expect."
Marla realized that the term Chakotay had used—"settled"—to describe his friendship with the admiral was very revealing of the potential that their relationship might have had. The crew had been fascinated with watching them, had been from the first, and Marla had heard dozens of stories about them, ranging from brief moments of affection to long periods of estrangement. Everything they did or said to each other came under close inspection, even toward the end of their journey when it would seem that the attraction had cooled.
"Would you mind if I made an idle observation as an outsider in this whole situation?"
"Go ahead," he sighed, seemingly resigned to an invasion of his privacy. "I know you want information, so we might as well get this over with."
"It seems to me that you and Seven have been fighting for Janeway's attention from day one."
Chakotay narrowed his eyes as he considered her words, obviously surprised that she hadn't delved into more private matters. "You're probably right," he admitted. "I was jealous of Seven's access to the captain from the first."
"It's only natural to resent someone who deprives you of time with a special friend."
"And you think that I became involved with Seven simply to deprive Kathryn of her?"
"That's the way it looks from the cheap seats."
"I don't think that's the reason."
"Well, I guess we also have to take into account Seven's obvious 'assets.' I don't think there's a man on the ship who would have passed up the chance to check out her very alluring body, not even the first officer." She grinned at his blush. "I'm guessing she asked you out?"
He was stunned. "Yes, she did. How did you know?"
"It just isn't your style to make a pass at a member of the crew." She gave him a wink and then snapped her head around as an alarm went off on the engineering console at the back of the bridge. "I'll check on that and be right back. Don't go anywhere."
While Marla was busy investigating the problem, Chakotay spent a rare moment consciously thinking about his relationships with Seven of Nine and Kathryn Janeway, realizing that he seldom thought of one without thinking of the other, as if the three of them were forever entangled. Troubled by Marla's comments, he asked himself whether he had become involved with Seven in an unconscious effort to hurt Kathryn, and he was afraid there was a grain of truth to the observation, as there was to the curiosity about Seven's ample "assets."
His father had taught him that the opposite of love was indifference, not hate, and he knew that since the divorce, he had been indifferent about what happened to Seven of Nine. Although he didn't wish her any harm, he honestly hadn't thought about her at all, leaving her care and well-being to Kathryn, who had so quickly stepped in and resumed her role as Seven's protector and mentor. Now, as he looked back over his year of exile, he wondered if he had ever loved Seven, at all, or if he'd just taken advantage of her willingness to become involved with him.
In the meantime, he had been anything but indifferent about Kathryn Janeway. All of the anger and resentment he felt during the divorce had been directed at her. In his most private thoughts, in the deepest recesses of his heart, he knew that he would never be indifferent about what happened to her. He might love her or hate her, be angry, disappointed, sympathetic, or elated, but he would never stop caring about her, never be apathetic about what happened in her life. Never. And the implication of that thought caught him completely off guard. He'd stormed away from her because he felt she'd let him down, and the reason that her betrayal had hurt so much was because he loved her. He realized that he probably always would love her.
"All fixed," Marla said as she returned to the copilot's seat, "but we'll need to set down on Dorvan and replace those sticky port injectors before we take on another delivery."
"Sure." He rubbed his face with his hands. "About using Seven to get back at the admiral? Maybe you should've been a counselor."
"Nah. I've seen this sort of thing happen too often on a ship. Three friends are getting along famously, all for one and one for all, and then everything gets screwed up because one of them starts feeling left out of the loop."
"It seems so childish."
"It's human nature," she reassured him. "Nothing to be ashamed of."
"I'd like to think the three of us would find a way to get past this problem."
"According to everything I've heard from our friends on Earth, Seven seems to be distancing herself from the admiral these days. Last time I checked the Voyager message board, she'd moved to Jupiter Station to work in Dr. Zimmerman's lab, and the admiral had been caught up in the Romulan mess. Now they report that she's off planet for a deep space mission—which we know is about tracking down these smugglers. It seems to me that there might be room for you in the admiral's life again, if you're still interested."
"And set myself up for another broken heart?" He laughed and checked the helm again. "I'm not that stupid."
"You should at least answer her messages."
"Maybe."
"Rette said she asked about our company and specifically about you. That shows that she still cares. What do you have to lose?"
"You have a good point." He gazed at the stars streaming by on the view screen, remembering the many long hours he and Kathryn had spent together, the jokes they'd told, the meals they'd eaten, the evenings they'd spent together in an effort to relieve the loneliness and pressure of their existence on Voyager. He didn't just love her, he missed her, and he couldn't feel worse than he already did if he discovered that she missed him, too. "I'll think about it."
"That's a start," Marla answered giving him a smile. Nothing would make her feel better than to know she had helped him find happiness. "What do you have to lose?"
He gave her a dimpled smile and focused his attention on the helm. When they returned to Trebus, he'd access the messages that had come into the transport office and download the letters Kathryn had sent to Liana. It was time to put the past behind them and find out what she was trying so hard to tell him.
For the first time in a long while, he was anxious to get home.
Tbc
