A/N: This is a very long chapter and honestly, I've been working on it for so long I can't remember all the details. So if there's a typo, I'm sorry! Please review, keep reviewing while you still can, there's only about seven chapters left! And the grand finale is in a couple of chapters... Enjoy chapter 11.
Chapter 11: Must be a dream, but I'm not sleeping
Song: One Two Three Four by Feist
At dinner I made a decision not to make a decision. It was simple: I loved every second I had with Adrian but I was also in love with Dimitri. Why ruin a good thing by electing every Wednesday; Friday and Sunday to Dimitri, Tuesdays; Thursdays and Saturdays to Adrian and Mondays to homework? It was too systematic, dispassionate. I wasn't a child being shared by divorced parents.
Adrian was massaging the palm of my hand with his thumb as I finished eating and in Lissa's words 'so in love with me.' Stuff little girls dreamed off, that I had never allowed myself to admit to wanting. Fairytales were for the Moroi, not the guardians.
"I'm guessing all went well...?" Christian asked from beside Lissa, who was between us.
"Yes, not that I expected otherwise. He has a good heart." All the men in my life do. I replied to Christian, ignoring Lissa's scrutiny.
And I would have answered her mental questions had she not changed path and started thinking about my birthday, again. I guess it was my little revenge not telling her about talking to Christian just then because she was thinking about how Dimitri would have wanted to be there on my eighteenth birthday. Right when Adrian was kissing my hand and whispering how he once learned how to read palms.
"...See? And this line means you have a great love life." He grinned, ever the cheeky and charming Ivashkov.
He would be so proud; I have to find some way to show her that on her birthday. Maybe I could ask Alberta if she could have his duster... He would have wanted that. Lissa's thoughts rambled on.
"Lissa, enough, please. Leave it alone for tonight." I told Lissa sternly, with eyebrows raised.
"Oh, sorry... I forget I have no privacy sometimes." She said jokingly.
I nodded and turned back to Adrian, hoping that would give her the message that I was staying out of her head. While Adrian's eyes flickered with concern, it was in his nature to continue being... well, Adrian.
"Though I wasn't taught this part, I'm pretty sure it improves that line." Adrian grinned and kissed me – not the long, languid kisses he usually gave but a kiss that was so hot it screamed 'you are my oxygen, stuff breathing air!' I wondered if I was replying with as much passion, because surely that was impossible, but he was set on my thoughts containing his mouth and only his delicious mouth.
The feeling of falling into the unknown abyss of loving Adrian Ivashkov very slowly and dangerously changing to one of being excited about the fall and what would come.
"You're eyes are so chocolate, it's making my mouth water." He said as we pulled apart.
"I'm going to get some desert... did you want to share some chocolate cake, since you seem to be in the mood for it?" I said teasingly.
"Definitely, though I admit I'd share anything with you if you asked." His smile warmer, brighter now than before.
I stood up and grinned at him, turning to go to the line when Lissa linked her arm with mine and tugged me quickly with her to the feeders.
"Hey! I was getting chocolate cake!" I protested.
"You still are, you're just detouring by the feeders." She smirked, "And of course you want to tell me what Adrian just said that made you both get goofy expressions...?"
"Something about my eyes being so chocolate they made his mouth water. You know Adrian lines."
She laughed quickly, "You are so blind!" She shook her head as if I was stupid, and she was the one smiling to herself, hypocrite. "That is not one of Adrian Ivashkov's lines. He isn't a gentleman about what he wants, Rose. His lines don't mention how pretty a girl's eyes are. One of his nicer lines would involve an innuendo about your body parts. But usually, he just comes right out and says it. Sure, he's charming and intelligent about saying he's getting into your pants tonight, I'm not insulting him, just saying that was not one of his lines."
I scoffed, "I'm pretty sure it was. Who walks around saying things like that unless they're trying to get you into bed?"
"Adrian does, come on, Rose. He knows you; you're hardly the type to go sleep with him because he complimented your eyes. And don't give me that look; I'm not saying you're easy. The opposite, you wouldn't sleep with someone for a compliment! He just loves you, so he's gonna tell you anyway!"
"Huh, I never thought of it that way," I said tilting my head to the side and her eyes lit up like I'd finally understood her, "I guess I'm not the compliment type. I don't really have a type that I fall for, you know. I'm not the present type or the money type or... well, I guess I am the ridiculously handsome type." I smirked and waited as she went in to a booth, out of sight, pretending to be too interested in reading the record book on the counter. This wasn't so hard to believe because 1) It wasn't left unattended very often and 2) I'm curious.
Being curious I searched to see if Lissa had been coming here regularly, like she was supposed to. It occurred to me that I'd been too preoccupied to be looking after her recently and I scolded myself. She mostly came at the same time as Christian. Adrian, I noticed, came during school hours normally. He'd been today right after I'd left him to talk to Lissa. I wondered if that had something to do with our talk because that was the second time he's come today. Not unheard of, but not common either.
"You can get your chocolate cake now." Lissa said as we walked back to the cafeteria.
"Finally!" I mocked annoyance at her and she laughed softly.
"Hey Rose, don't take Adrian for granted, okay? He loves you, whether you're ready to admit it or not and he's made himself vulnerable to you. He doesn't care what anybody thinks of him, except you. If I said I hated his shirt, he'd probably laugh and insult me back. You insult his shirt and he's going to laugh and wait til you leave to burn the shirt. If you understand what I'm trying to say."
"He really cares what I think of his shirt?" I joked.
"Rose," she groaned, "It was a metaphor!"
Back at the cafeteria table with our friends and some chocolate cake, I was staring at Adrian's shirt, thinking a million different things. Where was Dimitri? He would have solved all the problems in my life without using metaphors. New-Dimitri was one of the problems in my life. Adrian is so adorable when he has chocolate icing on his nose (especially when I put it there without him realising). But I'm still sleeping with Dimitri. And Adrian doesn't know. He must feel so repulsive when I don't want to sleep with him, thinking it's because of his past as I did when Dimitri first didn't seem to want to sleep with me. I thought Dimitri would never see me as anything but an annoying little girl. Now Adrian thinks I only see his as a royal and I'm letting him.
Damn Lissa for knowing how to get inside my head even without the bond.
Adrian painted my bottom lip with chocolate icing and waited for me to lick it off. When I was too preoccupied with laughing to care he took matters into his own hands and kissed it off.
"Delicious icing, isn't it?" I asked him smugly as he stared at my lips.
"I don't know, seems a little too sweet to be on you." He teased, smirking back at me.
Lissa turned from Christian to interrupt us, "Speaking of cake, everyone, I have a reminder!"
"Yes?" Eddie said, back to sitting at our table.
"Rose's Birthday is in two weeks! Well, one week and six days... Anyway, we're going to do something special to celebrate because eighteen is adult by guardian standards." Lissa announced.
"No, I'm not sneaking cheap beer into the school for you teenagers." Adrian said, smiling.
"Not the type of special I was talking about..." Lissa muttered, glaring at him. "I was thinking we could do an all day thing. Like fun and games in the morning with friends, then spa afternoon and an elegant party / dinner at sunset."
"Ooh! Seaweed wraps!" Christian said sarcastically.
"I have other plans for the boys while we have our spa. I need you setting up for the dinner or possibly, convincing Alberta not to expel anyone for the games we'll be playing in the morning." Lissa responded, rolling her eyes.
"Well, since there are more than enough people to set up the dinner, I volunteer to give massages at your spa." Adrian said winking.
I laughed, Lissa was an excellent party planner and I loved her idea, if only Dimitri could be involved somehow. I didn't see any chances to spend time with him on my birthday with all the fun planned.
Lissa coughed, "I don't think so. But can everyone meet here an hour before breakfast tomorrow to discuss it? Rose, you're welcome to sleep in, the rest can be a surprise."
"Okay," I said, looking around the mostly empty cafeteria, "Curfew is like now, by the way."
"We better go!" Lissa said, grabbing Christian's hand. "Goodnight everyone, see you tomorrow morning." She quickly gave me a one-armed hug and hurried towards the Moroi dorms. Eddie was already disappearing towards the cafeteria doors when he shouted sweet dreams.
Adrian looked completely unfazed and raised an eyebrow at me, "Bed time?"
"Yep, wanna sneak into my room for a while? You have to wake up in the morning so I'm not going to sleep over with you again but I would love to see what massage skills you have. If you're good enough I might convince Lissa to let you come play spa with us."
"I'll sneak in as soon as I can... see you in five?" He said smugly.
"Yeah, I'll leave the door unlocked so if I'm still in the shower you can get in. Because I can trust you to be a gentleman, can't I?"
"You're going to break my heart, aren't you, Rose Hathaway?" He laughed and pulled me out of the cafeteria, shoving me into the Dhampir dorms.
Wasn't I? He had such an amazing heart, why did I always have to mess with the good things? Dimitri's soul, Lissa's head, Adrian's heart, Mason's future, my mother's career...
I couldn't break Adrian's heart, if for the sole reason that Dimitri taught me better. You never do what the opponent expects. Adrian knew I would eventually do it. So, I had to choose between him and Dimitri before this got out of hand.
My mind couldn't let Adrian go; he was wonderfully caring and he didn't need me to fix him. Trying to put broken people back together was like trying to stop someone from drowning – they were going to grab hold and pull you down without even realising. I'd done it to Adrian once, now I could see Dimitri trying to grab hold while I flitted in and out of his life, watching him drown.
But my heart, my body, my soul screamed in rage at the notion that Dimitri would ever be out of my life. He was Dimitri! Give him a chance to get back to Dimitri before you crush him, you selfish brat!
As I walked across the dhampir lobby I passed Cameron, hurrying to get back to his dorm before curfew.
I made eye contact with him and he froze, stuttering "Hi... I'm... sorry. It was all a bet, Rose, to sleep with you. I don't know what happened, but you're not at all what I expected." He sighed and hurried out the door, my glare following him. I'd forgiven him, but not myself.
I grabbed my bathrobe off the floor on my way into my dorm room and went to have a shower, shutting the bathroom door, hoping to wash clean the day I'd had.
By the time I stepped out of the shower the mirror was hidden behind steam. The child in me forced me to draw in it, so of course I wrote a secret message.
I miss you, my Comrade.
Then I sighed at my youth and turned my back on it, knowing the man I wanted may never come back.
Tying my soft bathrobe around me I went out and flopped onto my bed, face first. Within seconds Adrian was wrapping his arm around my waist as he lay beside me, coming from across the room.
"Hi," I smiled as I rolled onto my back.
"You okay?" He asked as he propped himself on his side.
"Yep, better now that you're here." And I was, somehow.
"Would you like a massage?" He said gently, tracing the line of my jaw with his fingertips.
Be fun, don't be broken and don't break his heart, I told myself.
"You'd do anything to touch this, huh?" I said jokingly, sitting up and posing.
He sat up and grinned, "I love you, isn't that enough?"
"In your case, I suppose so. But if I get random guys saying I love you to get me into bed, I'm blaming you."
"I couldn't stop them if I tried..." He muttered, still smiling.
"Hold on while I put some clothes on."
He pouted, "Do you have to?"
I laughed hard, trying to control it to tell him I did need clothes. Finally calming myself with the thought of the first time Dimitri had seen me naked, with that miraculous lust charm. When I didn't hesitate, I let him rip that dress off me in a second. Really, I can't say that was the spell – going to his room was but if I'd somehow ended up in his room with him wanting to take my dress off in other circumstances, I probably would have pulled it off myself.
I pursed my lips now, considering, "Hmm... I think so." The reason I was so sure with Dimitri wasn't that I wanted him but because I was completely comfortable with him. Wasn't I as comfortable with Adrian?
He tilted his head to the side, letting his lips slide into a line. "Why?"
"Because... you've seen me at my most vulnerable, do I have to show you everything?" I said without pre-planning.
"Okay. You don't have to do anything, but let me just point out that you've slept beside me in your underwear before. So, that's good with you...?"
I nodded, shrugging and went to change into a singlet and shorts in the bathroom. After a second I peaked around the door, realising something.
"Wait, did you mean I could just put on underwear now? I thought it was a serious question." I grinned at him, still confused.
He shrugged, "I'm fine with it if you want to, but I did mean it as a serious question. You know, in case you didn't feel comfortable with that stuff..." He raised his eyebrows.
"I'm fine with it... usually I wouldn't have hesitated, but tonight... I don't know. I did. Lissa must be getting to me with her super conscientious mind." I laughed slightly and closed the bathroom door, staring at myself in the mirror.
What am I doing? God! He knows how easy it is to see Rose Hathaway naked - that was my reputation! Some people confused it with sleeping with every guy here but most people understood the facts. He must think I hate him now, even if nothing else had done it. I'd subconsciously avoided it at every turn, even when I said otherwise to him. Was it that Dimitri could be watching? Did I somehow think I was Dimitri's and no one else could have me? Ugh!
Before Adrian could get suspicious I put on the bra and panties I'd grabbed – which at the time I'd expected to be covered up, so they weren't very sexy – and strolled out casually, sitting beside him.
Without words his eyes said 'you didn't have to do that' with such an unfathomable sadness, the kind I always seemed to catch in his beautiful green eyes.
"Your skills better be as good as you say, or you are so fired people will blame Christian." I smirked at him and when I blinked, his eyes were sparkling again.
I lay down beside him on my stomach, giving him a quick smile.
His hands worked slowly over my back, lightly at first then deeper as he started kneading my shoulder blades. His hands began a pattern; splayed across my back on either side of my spine and over my hips, coming up my sides and back to my shoulders.
"Why are you so quiet?" Adrian asked after a few minutes.
"I'm in a mushy mood; I'll probably say something I'll regret tomorrow. Or say something that'll rival your spirit-induced rants."
He laughed and muttered, "Of course, you're in a mushy mood."
I grinned to myself and couldn't help myself when I started revealing my soul. "I want to love you the way you love me, I do – a little bit... But I shouldn't choose you." Not when I should be fixing Dimitri's heart.
He chuckled softly, "You might just win."
I rolled over and grabbed his hand, "Promise me you won't give up anymore. You have so much talent, you could be so much. And here you are..." I softly shook my head, "I love you."
"And here I am, but you love me." He kissed our linked hands, "Here I am, a drop-out who sleeps with girls for fun. Here I am, useless and worthless. But you love me."He paused and dropped my hand, "Here I am, loving you."
"You spend so much time telling yourself you're this stereotype, that because you're a royal you have to act this way. When in fact you've already changed into something better, you just haven't noticed yet. Shocking considering how much time you spend looking in the mirror." I smiled at him as he bit his lip.
He laughed, "I have a feeling there is no going back to that stereotype... at least not in the same way. Somehow you've given me a conscience."
"This is more Lissa's type of massage; maybe she'll let you massage her at our spa..."
"Maybe, but I'll have to decline. You see, I'm already taken by this girl who has this way of hooking me in... It's irresistible." He grinned.
"Mm... Resist, for tonight. I'll see you in the morning?"
"I suppose I should let you sleep... Be at breakfast." He gave me a goodbye kiss and slipped out the door.
If I slept, I didn't notice. It seemed as if one minute the clock was telling me it was nearly 10 p.m. and then I glanced over and it was past 1 a.m. What if Dimitri was having nightmares? I suddenly felt the need to be there, making sure he wasn't. And because I was still Rose Hathaway, I managed to get on a random, hastily grabbed dress and end up at the cabin door before dorm security even blinked. Wouldn't have happened on Dimitri's watch, I thought bitterly.
"Rose?" A voice asked from my side, a hand shooting out to grab my wrist as I closed the door.
"Yep, the one and only," I shook of his hand and grinned.
"Let me guess, you were testing cabin security?" My Dimitri, finally.
I laughed and pulled him into a massive hug, "What are you doing up?"
"I couldn't sleep, you?"
"I couldn't stand the thought of you out here, suffering. It's not like you could call me if you needed me, so I couldn't be sure you were okay."
He smiled, "I love you, Rosa."
"I love you too. But seriously, do something! I'm guessing you've been awake all day, yet the place still looks untouched. Here is the fridge, the stove and the tap. You can use them to cook! Dimitri... please fight this phase for me, don't let it drown you. We can get over this, just make the effort. Okay, I'm going restock the fridge for you, so help write a shopping list."
Dimitri grabbed the notebook and pencil from the drawer, smiling slightly at Tasha's scribbled notes – to do lists and present ideas. Without words I knew that he missed the past as much as I did. He missed the time before I came into his life, even, because he was happy and exactly where he wanted to be. I hadn't had that, but the past still seemed better.
"Okay, what do you need?" I asked cheerfully.
"Nothing really, the fridge is still stocked, so are the shelves."
"Okay, what do you want?"
"You, because material things are meaningless without you. I had a lot, when I was strigoi. Nothing I'd ever really want again... an army, a four bedroom house, a suit..." He chuckled, like that was the most ridiculous thing he could imagine.
"Dimitri?"
"Yes?"
"Tell me what you want, I already know about the Zen outlook on possessions. Trust me; it's boring, meditating can only occupy you for so long."
He sighed, "Maybe some shampoo."
I grinned, "Okay, shampoo. How about body wash? Deodorant? Toothpaste? Tooth brush? I didn't pay much attention to your bathroom that one time we were running off to save Lissa, so you've got to help me here."
He smiled and laughed as we continued through the shopping list, which made me realise how little he did have and brought an idea to mind. Christian would have to help, but it could work.
"I'm going to ask Lissa if she can get us out next week for a shopping trip, but if not I can get it delivered. Now, I've been thinking about getting back to training again, want to work with me?"
His smile was so grateful and worshipping, I was his superstar come to teach him my tricks.
