Title: In Memory's Wake
Author: Cocoa-Snape (aka CocoaSnape)
Pairing: Snape/Harry
Disclaimer: No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

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In Memory's Wake by CocoaSnape
Chapter 11: This is goodbye

Snape woke up to the unfamiliar and unexpected sensation of comfort. To his surprise, he found that he was no longer lying on the floor, but on his sofa, cocooned in warmth by a thick blanket. Across from him, the Headmaster was half-asleep in a chaise lounge, but he became instantly alert when he sensed Severus was awakening.

Tentatively, Snape studied his hand. There was no trace of blood or pain and all visible signs of damage had been erased. Snape wondered for a moment if he'd dreamt the whole thing, but glancing over to the hearth, he could see the remnants of crystal still littering the floor.

"Did I miss my classes?" Snape asked, hope flaring in his chest at the very idea. That had to be why the Headmaster was here, after all.

"Not yet, it's still early. But I came to tell you that I've asked Filius to take over your classes today and tomorrow." Dumbledore paused for a long moment as if he were waiting for a response. When none came, he continued, "I would have done it sooner, but the truth is, I've been waiting for you to ask me yourself." Dumbledore firmly believed that the act of asking for help was therapeutically important. He'd been hoping that Severus would take this step on his own. Apparently not.

Dumbledore continued, "After you left, Harry came to see me last night." Snape winced. "He's very worried about you, Severus."

"You told me you spoke with him already," Snape accused.

"I did, Severus, two nights ago. I asked him to give you some time to think about things, but you know Harry. He wanted to check on how you're doing." Dumbledore paused, leaned forward, and asked sadly, "What should I tell him, Severus? I don't honestly know."

"Tell him I'm fine."

"So you're asking me to lie to him?"

"For Merlin's sake, Albus," Snape sighed, "give it a rest."

"That's quite the request given I found you bleeding on your floor this morning."

Snape said nothing in reply, and this worried Dumbledore. At least when he was fighting him, he was speaking. Snape's affect had gone completely flat.

"Severus," Dumbledore began hesitantly, "I think perhaps you should consider speaking with Harry."

At that, Snape's eyes widened to the size of saucers and he dismissed the notion at once. "Absolutely out of the question."

"I know you think it would do more harm than good, and I've been inclined to agree thus far, but you're not exactly the image of recovery at the moment either." Dumbledore let out an exasperated sigh as he continued, "And I must confess, with your refusal to seek professional help, I'm out of ideas. I think you should at least try to see how you react to Harry."

"I can't."

"I'd be there with you of course, to make sure you're alright." A pause. "Eventually, Harry will need to know what's going on. You can tell him you need space, if that's what you want, but you know Harry; he will need to hear it from you, if only to reassure him that you're not breaking off the relationship."

"But that's precisely what I'm doing."

Stunned, it took Dumbledore a minute to regain his voice. "You don't mean that."

"I do," Snape said with sudden resolve. "I'm ending it with Harry."

Dumbledore took a deep breath and said softly, "I can't believe that that is the solution here, Severus. You and Harry have been through so much, and―"

"I've made up my mind, Albus." The truth was, although the idea had been floating around in his mind amid hundreds of others, he hadn't actually decided anything until he'd said it out loud a moment ago. But hearing himself utter the words had given him a strange clarity on this matter. It was as though the decision had been made for him.

"Severus, I think you shouldn't get ahead of yourself. Harry will understand if you need more time away from him; he will wait for you, Severus." Dumbledore could see Severus shaking his head and continued, "But you should at least see him in person, and explain your reasons. You owe him that."

"You tell him… I can't…"

"Severus, you can't be serious."

"I don't have the capacity for humor anymore, Albus."

"And what exactly do you expect me to say?"

"Anything, I don't care. Tell him I need some time alone, tell him anything, just make him understand I can't see him anymore."

"Severus, do you really believe Harry will just accept that, and from me? Come now, you know he'll demand to hear it from you before he even considers―"

Snape interrupted angrily, "Are you trying to make this harder on me?" He rubbed his face in his hands; his head was beginning to throb. "I can't see him… I can't…" he breathed out harshly, "I feel like my mind's…" Snape stopped, unable to finish his thought – I feel like my mind's going to explode.

Dumbledore could hear what Severus was thinking and that was highly disconcerting. "Severus—"

"I think you should tell Harry the truth," Snape blurted out suddenly.

Dumbledore stared at his friend in astonishment.

"Go on. Tell him the truth about what happened. Then seeing me will be the very last thing on his mind."

"Severus," Dumbledore began in stunned shock, "You can't honestly want me to tell Harry what happened that night."

"Yes, I do," Snape replied, half-hysterically. "That's exactly what I want. You're right… he needs to know, otherwise he'll never stop trying to seek me out." Snape grabbed the collar of his shirt, desperately trying to loosen it. "I have to get out of here, I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm going for a walk."

"Outside?" Dumbledore asked in bewilderment, sensing Severus's intentions. "It's well below freezing out there."

"I don't care," Snape replied and began to walk towards the door. A moment later, he stopped, his back still turned to Dumbledore. His lifted his right hand and stared at it a moment before whispering, "Thank you, Albus."

"You're very welcome, my boy," Dumbledore replied as Snape left the room.

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Snape gave up trying to disable the warming charm Dumbledore had apparently placed on him before he'd left. He'd wanted to feel the bite of the cold, but apparently the Headmaster was concerned that he might let himself freeze to death. Perhaps he hadn't been that far off the mark in that.

Snape remained outside by the Great Lake for a few hours – the change of scenery and the solitude leaving his mind blissfully clear. Or perhaps it was the vials of anti-anxiety potion he'd been taking all morning. Reaching into his robes, he pulled out another vial and downed it, unconcerned with the dosage or the potion's addictive properties.

How had it come to this? Severus wondered. Of course he was in shambles, but he couldn't help but think about how Harry was suffering as well. It'd been six days since he'd seen him, and even though Dumbledore had spoken with him, he was undoubtedly sick with worry. That was his fault, and he knew it.

None of this would be happening now if he hadn't broken the promise he'd made to himself some months ago, to never subject Harry to his life. He'd rationalized his decision to pursue their relationship by asserting that he could keep the relationship separate from his work as a spy. He realized now how foolish an idea that had been. And he also let himself face the truth that it was his own selfishness that had gotten him to this point. He had wanted to be with Harry, and he'd justified that decision with a series of convenient excuses, feeble though they were.

He'd chosen this life. He'd accepted the risks. But what he did not accept or fully comprehend was the danger that he'd put Harry in when he'd begun their relationship. It hadn't occurred to him before, not really.

First there was the fact that he was using these false dark perversions for Harry in order to better position himself within the Dark Lord's circle. And while he hadn't originally thought that was a problem, he did now. Someone had stolen those hairs from Harry and given them to the Dark Lord. Of course it could have happened anywhere – in Hogsmeade, Diagon Alley, or even Hogwarts – but the point was that someone with evil intent had gotten close enough to his Harry in order to obtain those hairs.

He had put Harry's life in danger. And it was something that Severus vowed to never do again.

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Harry was truant to his first class of the day, Transfiguration, well aware that Professor McGonagall would have his hide for it later, but that was the least of his concerns at the moment. He needed to see the Headmaster. He'd tried earlier this morning, but there had been no answer. Harry hadn't slept a wink last night, contemplating this self-imposed exile from Severus. It was driving him mad – nearly a whole week without a word between them – it felt like an eternity. It didn't reassure him that Severus had been 'faking' the flu the past two days either.

Harry had decided that he hadn't been insistent enough with the Headmaster about his desire to speak with Severus, even if only for a moment. And he planned to remedy that now.

As he made his way toward the stone gargoyle guarding Dumbledore's office, he glimpsed a figure through the window a good distance away, standing out by the lake. Although the man's back was turned, Harry would have recognized Severus's frame anywhere.

It was a long trek through the snow, and by the time he had made it within earshot of his lover, Harry was freezing. Not only was he not dressed to be outside in this weather, but his shoes and socks were completely soaked. But all that was forgotten for the moment.

"Severus…" Harry began tentatively.

Severus did not turn around. Harry wasn't sure if he'd heard him and so he took two more steps forward and repeated it again, louder this time. "Severus."

Severus Snape visibly startled at the sound of his name. When he turned around, his eyes widened to find whom had spoken it.

Even in this short amount of time, Harry could see the difference in Severus's appearance. His cheekbones seemed to protrude a bit more on his thin face, suggesting that he hadn't eaten a full meal in days. His exhaustion was evident from the deep, dark circles beneath his eyes. Most noticeable were the wide dilated pupils that looked so unnatural, they suggested that he was drugged as well, although Harry couldn't have begun to guess with what. Harry desperately wanted to fling his arms around his lover, comfort him, but he remained standing a few feet away. He was already on shaky enough ground as it was seeing him this way.

"I needed to see you, Severus," Harry began. "I'm sorry if… if I'm bothering you, but I've been worried sick. I just wanted to see how you are, make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine."

Harry waited, but realizing that Severus wasn't going to say anymore, he ventured, "Can you tell me what's going on?"

Snape swallowed the lump in his throat and asked, "You didn't speak with Albus then? He didn't tell you?"

Harry shook his head. "I haven't seen him."

"I see."

The silence stretched between them for a long minute. Severus found himself somewhat surprised that he didn't have a flashback the moment he'd laid eyes on Harry. It might have been the heavy dose of anti-anxiety potion he'd been taking or perhaps his control was better than he thought. He strengthened his mental walls and tried to block out the surfacing emotions.

Meanwhile, Harry was similarly impressed with himself for showing such restraint. He wanted to demand an explanation, but decided to wait and let Severus speak when he felt ready. As he waited, he was finding it more and more difficult to ignore the cold and soon, he was shivering uncontrollably.

Only then did Severus realize that Harry hadn't had the sense to use a warming charm. "For Merlin's sake, are you trying to get yourself sick?" he grumbled. He pulled his wand out and cast the appropriate drying and warming incantations.

Harry relaxed at once, his body relieved by the sudden heat flooding him. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." A long pause. "How are you?" Severus asked, concern evident in his voice.

"Okay," Harry replied, breathing a sigh of relief that Severus had finally engaged him in conversation. "And you? You look tired."

"I had a late night." That, Snape thought, and I haven't slept in days.

Another very long pause.

"Severus," Harry pleaded, his patience dwindling, "please talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

Snape took a deep breath and replied somewhat painfully, "I can't."

Harry's eyes betrayed his surprise at that answer. "You can't? But you can tell me anything, Severus."

"Not this."

"Alright," Harry said slowly, frustrated by Severus's guarded responses.

"You should speak to the Headmaster about it. I can't say anymore."

"Severus, it's okay, I don't need to know, and you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But whatever it is, it doesn't mean we can't get through this together."

Snape shook his head, his eyes closed. "I'm afraid that isn't going to be possible, Harry. I think…" he paused, unsure of how to say this, "…I think we need to spend some time away from each other for a while."

"But why?"

"It's for the best, Harry, believe me," Snape said, sighing heavily.

"No it's not," Harry replied. "You're all I have, Severus…"

Snape couldn't take much more of this. His mind was reeling. He fought to control it. "You need to remedy that then. Use the time to be with your friends, go play Quidditch—"

Rage bloomed in Harry's gut and he was powerless to control it. "You son of a bitch!" He couldn't believe that Severus was giving him this speech again, after all they'd been through! A few months ago Severus had broken off their relationship with nearly the same words, and Harry had said little to stop it. Not this time, he resolved. He wasn't going to give in. "I can't believe we're back to this."

"Harry, please listen to me," Severus began sincerely, "I'm not trying to belittle you. You know me better than that. This isn't like last time. I'm just suggesting that if you spend your free time with your friends instead of worrying about me, the time we spend apart will pass more quickly. I don't want this to be harder on you than it already is. Just please try and get your mind off me for a while, so I can use the time to get myself straight."

"How long is a while?" Harry asked, somewhat appeased by Severus's explanation.

"I don't know," Severus replied. He was exhausted, and the stress of speaking to Harry like this was wearing on him.

"I mean what, Severus," Harry pressed, "a few days, a week?"

Snape swallowed. He couldn't imagine feeling better in a few days – hell, he couldn't imagine feeling better ever again.

Harry could see from Severus's face that he had underestimated. "More than a week?" he asked in shock. "A month?" he asked with wide eyes, not quite able to believe Severus really needed or wanted that much time away from him.

Snape covered his face with his hands and breathed out in almost a sob, "I don't know, Harry. I can't know."

There was a long moment of silence and Harry said, dejectedly, "Alright. But it's just for a while, right?"

"Just for a while," Snape whispered, unable to meet Harry's eyes as he said it.

Harry appeared to have calmed down by this reassurance. "But maybe I could come by for dinner every now and then," he suggested hopefully.

Severus's eyes widened.

"I mean I won't stay the night," Harry explained quickly. "It wouldn't be like that."

It hit Snape in that moment. Harry didn't understand. Not at all.

Sensing Severus's shock, Harry amended, "Okay, no dinner. Maybe I can just come by after class sometime." When Severus said nothing to that, he continued, "We'll get through this, Severus. We did before."

Snape's mind was racing now and he felt sick to his stomach. He managed to whisper, "This is nothing like before."

Snape was distantly aware that Harry was speaking to him, but he couldn't hear a word. He was enveloped in a cold sweat and he recognized the panic attack descending on him. Reaching into his robes, he grabbed the vial of anti-anxiety draught – his last one – and downed it without thought.

Harry was staring at him in obvious surprise, probably wondering what he had just taken, but he said nothing. A few seconds later, Snape's mind began to cloud over, his senses dulled, his emotions buried under the surface.

Snape thought about what Albus had said to him, that Harry would wait for him. Harry loved him, and he would wait for him forever if need be. That truth hit him with unexpected force as he stared at this marvelous boy in front of him whom he loved more than any other. And suddenly, everything was clear. He knew exactly what he had to do.

Snape took a deep breath and spoke with a calm that completely belied everything he was feeling, "Harry, I cannot see you anymore, do you understand?"

Anymore. Harry's heart began to pound. The change in Severus's tone was alarming. Fear crept into his chest.

"Harry…" Severus began.

Harry moved to interrupt. He would not let Severus finish, he could not. "I'm sorry," he said hurriedly. "I'll do whatever you need. Anything. And if that means leaving you alone for a month, then I'll do it."

"Harry—" Severus said.

"I won't come around," Harry interrupted again, his tone even more frantic. "I'll sit in the back of the classroom, I swear it. I won't say a word in class, and I won't try to talk to you… I promise."

"Harry—"

"I'll drop Potions," Harry suggested swiftly, his demeanor growing more and more hysterical. "I'll take private lessons from Dumbledore or something. You won't have to see me at all if that's what you want."

"Harry, please don't make this harder than it is," Snape said, his voice sad, but resigned.

Harry fought to remain calm, but it was a struggle. "Please, Severus, don't let whatever this is drive us apart. It can't be that bad—"

"You can't imagine how bad…"

Harry pressed on. "Whatever happened, it doesn't change anything between us."

"It changes everything," Severus breathed out in a half-sob.

Harry took a deep breath, trying desperately to remain strong. "But you can't mean to say that we can't be together anymore?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying," Severus replied. "And it was a mistake to think I could do this. It was a mistake to ever subject you to this."

"To what?"

"To me!" Snape snapped. "To my life."

"Don't you think I should be the one to make that choice?" Harry demanded heatedly.

"You made a very convincing argument to that effect last time, Harry," Snape replied. "And we tried, didn't we? And look where we are now…" Snape's voice trailed off.

"Listen to me, Severus. It doesn't matter. None of it matters, because I love you," Harry said earnestly, meeting Severus's gaze, willing Severus to see the truth and love behind his words. "Don't you understand that no matter what happened… what happens, it won't change the way I feel about you? Nothing you could ever do or say will change that." Harry stopped a moment and took a deep breath. He could see the softening of Severus's features, and he knew his words were having an effect. "We went through so much to get to this point, and I know it wasn't all for nothing. How many other couples have been tested the way we've been? We're so much stronger because of that."

Harry took two steps forward, so that he was face to face with Severus and spoke with an intensity that reached far beyond his years. "We're meant to be together, Severus. I know that, and I know you know that. I love you more than anything in this whole world. And that's all that matters. Whatever this is, we'll get through it, because we love each other."

The silence seemed to stretch forever, the force of Harry's words hanging in the air between them. Harry waited, but the response was not at all what he'd expected.

"You foolish boy, love isn't always enough!"

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Yes it is; love is everything."

"You have no idea what love is," Snape said forcefully.

Harry was speechless.

"You think you know," Snape continued, "but you don't… you don't have the maturity to know."

With that, Snape turned and started towards the castle.

"Don't you dare walk away from me," Harry shouted. "You're the one who doesn't know what love is," Harry snapped. "You're the one who's giving up."

At that, Snape spun around sharply. Giving up? Is that what you think?

Snape took a step closer, his eyes boring holes through Harry's as he spoke, "Love, Harry, is doing something because you know it's the right thing to do even as it's eating you alive." Severus's eyes were burning, his expression wild, his voice rough with emotion. "Love is walking away… even as it breaks you into a million pieces."

Severus was hyperventilating now, but he pressed on, "Even when you feel you can't breathe through the pain of it, but you have to… for that person." Tears welled up in Severus's eyes as he finished, "That's love, Harry… letting go."

A moment passed.

"Severus…" Harry began, searching for something to say.

"I'm very sorry, Harry. I truly am. But this is goodbye," Severus whispered before starting back towards the castle so that Harry would not see the tears streaming down his face.

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Author's note: Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I'm a little scared of what you all are going to do to me regarding this one. But you should know by now that I can't write a story without torturing this pair and surely you didn't think the sequel would be different? I can say that if you're hoping for a rapid resolution of this crisis, don't hold your breath.

In the next chapter, Snape's condition deteriorates rapidly and Dumbledore desperately attempts to find another therapist with whom Severus might consider speaking to before it is too late.

Thank you Ketsurui and Molvanian Queen-In-Exile (my awesome betas) for their help, advice and encouragement.

Feedback is always greatly appreciated.