Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just can't resist spending obsessive amounts of time in her world.
AN: Thank you to everyone who is following this story, especially to those of you who reviewed, I really loved every single one.
I have rewritten this chapter a few times and just couldn't seem to get it right. TheaJ1 came to my rescue and I now love her as much as I love her writing. Thank you so much.
10: Alone all along
EPOV
Several days had passed since I had watched Bella and Fred leave the castle courtyard on their way to meet my daughter. I had seen nothing of any of them since then. My family were unable to leave the castle during the day, as the sun always seemed to shine on Volterra. There was very little in the city to capture a vampire's attention at night and only so much hunting that could be done. I was too lost in my own thoughts to care much about the restrictions on my freedom but some of the other members of my family were not coping as well.
At least the guest turret was well equipped and comfortable. There was a WiFi super-fast broadband connection with a variety of computers, laptops and notepads to access it and no downloading restrictions. There were five separate communal areas, all with large flat screen televisions, satellite boxes and games consoles. The guest library was well stocked with a huge variety of books, films and TV box sets. But despite all of the comforts our accommodation offered, the fact that we weren't at liberty to leave and the uncertainty of our future prevented my family from fully enjoying the facilities.
Jasper was happiest here, which was definitely unexpected. Bella was still shielding him as he hadn't sought her out to ask her to stop, so he was unaffected by anyone else's emotions and I couldn't read his mind. Despite the absence of his empathic ability, he exuded a sense of serenity. This was very out of character, especially as our fates had yet to be decided. Alice was making the most of his good mood and they were spending a lot of time in their suite, taking their minds off our troubles.
Emmett was also managing to keep himself fairly well entertained. He was enjoying challenging Jasper to some of the many games available and, as Bella had negated Jasper's advantage, Emmett was making the most of the now level playing field. When Jasper was reading or with Alice, Emmett was working his way through the DVD collection. Currently he was watching a box set of a British TV show called Red Dwarf and his booming laugher could be heard in even the rooms most distant from his location.
As well as the guest library, both Jasper and Carlisle were frequent visitors to the main Volturi library. Jasper had never been to Volterra before and I didn't need to be able to read his mind to know how much he loved having full access to all the volumes of vampire histories it housed. While Jasper was otherwise occupied in one of the libraries, or with Emmett, Alice was using the internet to manage our portfolios, monitor trends and of course to shop.
Rosalie and Esme were struggling the hardest with the constraints on our freedom.
Esme was finding that nothing could distract her from worrying about her family. She had tried working on her restoration project at one of our most recently acquired properties but, unlike Alice, she was finding internet shopping very unsatisfying and was unable to properly visualise what needed doing remotely. She needed to see, touch and feel in order to make any informed choices.
Rose was seething. She was thoroughly miserable being confined to Volterra. Whenever she was close to me I was engulfed by the vicious thoughts spewing from her mind, fuelled by hatred, jealously and bitterness. Things between her and Emmett were incredibly strained. He hated her attitude towards Bella and she hated that he was not supporting her unconditionally as he always had in the past. Rose was actually considering taking Felix up on his offer of test driving some of the Volturi super cars. Although she would never actually physically cheat on Emmett, he would still consider such interaction with Felix a betrayal, I was sure. I really hoped she'd come to her senses soon, I'd hate to see my brother hurt that way.
Whilst we were free to roam the castle, we weren't exactly being made welcome. The Volturi vampires were frosty towards us, avoiding us entirely whenever possible and when forced to interact with us they were indifferently polite and distant. The only exception to this was Alec. He seemed to have been appointed our liaison to the Volturi. He sought us out to pass on information and see if there was anything we needed. During a recent visit to the guest wing, he had informed us that there would be humans coming and going to and from the castle and that we should be careful not to hunt or expose ourselves in any way. He did not divulge the reasons for their presence, but we were already seeing evidence of it. Delivery vans and contractors were now a common sight. Emmett had been trying to find out what was going on, but so far had been unsuccessful.
I found myself gravitating towards Jasper. I had missed him the most over the previous twenty years. Although my visits to my family had been infrequent, I had found every chance to reconnect with each of them comforting. But whenever I was 'home', Jasper had made himself very scarce. I couldn't blame him. It had been unbearable for him to be around me, the intensity of my negative emotions were actually painful for him.
Today Jasper and I were in the guest library. He was intently reading the journal of one of the Volturi guard, written during the plague of the immortal children. He looked up, still deep in thought and then did a double take as he noticed me, almost as if he had forgotten I was in the room. A small smile played on his lips.
"What are you thinking?" I asked curiously, my frustration at not knowing increased as his smile widened.
"Driving you nuts that you don't know?" He asked playfully.
"You know it is," I snapped.
"Yes, I do know it, I see it…but I can't feel it!" He was grinning now, his eyes dancing with humour. I could not remember him ever looking so carefree and it irritated me.
"In case you've forgotten, our family remains in immortal peril, our fates hinging on the whim of my estranged daughter," I reminded him sourly. At my harsh words his smile faded and his brow creased.
"Of course I hadn't forgotten," his tone and his expression darkened.
"Sorry Jasper," I felt guilty for ruining his moment. "I guess I want it both ways. I love the peace of not hearing what you're thinking but I still want to know."
"Trust me, you don't want to know what I'm thinking at the moment," he said seriously.
"Trust me, I do," I told him unequivocally.
"Even without your gift, you still think you know better than everyone else." I could tell I was beginning to irritate him now.
"Prove me wrong," I demanded, impatiently.
Jasper's eyes narrowed, "I was thinking what a wonderful addition to our family Bella would've been. Her gift would've bought us a harmony that we could never have imagined possible."
I had trouble processing his words, because of the emotional pain they evoked. He showed me no mercy, continuing with his explanation.
"Her shield is truly remarkable. She is nowhere near us and yet she manages to maintain it, just around me, wherever I go. And she is simultaneously shielding the rest of the Volturi from yours and Alice's gifts. Imagine the relief that she could've provided you and me. Our powers could be all gift and no curse. We could've picked and chosen when we wanted to access them."
I truly hadn't given that aspect of Bella's loss to our family any thought until now. I had been consumed with my love for her and how much I missed her personality and presence. Jasper had opened up a whole new set of possibilities. Bella could have offered me silence, total silence and restricted my access to the thoughts of others at any time of my choosing. I groaned under the weight of the realisation that Bella could have completed my life in every way, made every aspect of my lonely existence better and I had squandered the opportunity. I'd left her behind.
Jasper looked remorseful, holding his head in his hands and rubbing his eyes before looking at me.
"Sorry Edward," he came over to me and clapped his hand on my shoulder. "Your self-righteousness really irritates me sometimes and without feeling your pain, I can almost forget what you are going through. This situation we're all in is my fault as well as yours."
"None of it is your fault Jasper, it's all mine," I told him honestly. "By the evening of Bella's birthday I was almost one hundred per cent set on leaving. That incident only strengthened my resolve, nothing more."
Jasper was shocked by my revelation. "Why? What had happened? You hadn't given any indication of what you were considering. All I felt from you that day was love, conflict, frustration and angst; nothing new there. Everyone else was happy and excited for Bella's birthday…until Rose got home that is."
I closed my eyes. I'd never intended to talk to anyone about this, ever. I couldn't stand to think what their reactions would be. But with Jasper's mind closed to me, maybe I could tell him without having to endure his thoughts and mental images. Twenty years I had battled with myself. Maybe it was time to let my brother help me.
"I wasn't worried that you would kill her Jasper, I was worried that I would." Immediately I felt a small but significant reduction in my burden.
Jasper's brow furrowed in confusion. "You always worried about that, since the first moment you caught her scent. What changed that week that made you decide to force us all to leave her?"
"I'll tell you everything Jasper, but it's very difficult for me to talk about, or even to think about. I can't even look at you as I tell you, I'm too ashamed. Please just let me get through the whole story before you say anything." Jasper nodded his consent.
I took a deep breath to compose myself before ploughing on with my version of one of the most shameful weeks of my existence. "Two days before Bella's birthday, a sunny day kept us confined to the house. Alice had seen that if any of us ventured out, there was a possibility we would be seen sparkling either by hikers or by a wildlife photographer that had chosen that day to explore the forest around Forks." Jasper nodded, indicating he remembered the day in question. "You and Alice were…enthusiastically avoiding boredom in your room. Your feelings were overflowing and infusing the rest of the house with lust. As always Rose and Emmett and Carlisle and Esme alleviated their tension in their own rooms, leaving me alone amongst my family once again.
By the time evening eventually came I was feeling beyond frustrated. You were all still otherwise engaged and I was literally crawling the walls. I knew I shouldn't go and see Bella in that state of mind but I had missed her so much and told myself that knowing the risks and Charlie's presence in the house would be enough to keep me under control. I was wrong. Charlie was called out to work because one of his deputies had to go home sick. Bella was always trying to undermine my self-control and that night I was powerless to resist her . I can't even describe what she felt like, I tried to stop myself several times, but couldn't find the will to pull away from her. She was magnificent. Amazing. Irresistible. When it was over my teeth were at her neck. It's a miracle I didn't break her skin, if it had lasted a second longer, she would've been dead. I would have killed her. I had no control. I felt disgusted with myself that I could take something so beautiful and sully it that way.
She fell asleep in my arms, so trusting as always. Through the night I watched in horror as the bruises began to blossom all over her perfect skin as she slept. My hand and finger prints encircling her wrists, over her hips and along her ribs. But even as I hated myself for being too rough with her, a part of me liked to see her marked as mine. I kept thinking it will be okay. She'll tell me that I hurt her and that I should never touch her again and even though my own control was shaky, her will would always be more important to me.
But when she woke, she told me the bruises were nothing. She wanted me to love her again. We argued fiercely about it. I told her I'd kill her if we tried again and she told me I'd already proven that I wouldn't kill her and that it would get easier with practice. She started trying to seduce me and I wanted her so badly. I had no idea how to keep resisting her.
The night of her birthday, even before she started bleeding, I already knew that my only choice was to leave her. In the first second after she cut her finger, I wasn't protecting her from my brother, I was defending my prey from another predator. You saved her life by attacking her, because if you hadn't I would have killed her before I even knew what I was doing.
So I left and I made you all leave to. It took every ounce of control I had to stay away from her. I know you all wanted to check and see how she was doing but I couldn't let you. I so desperately wanted to go back, but I hoped she had moved on and was happy and I knew that if I saw her with any other man, I would kill him. I couldn't do that to her. Can you even imagine the monster that I would've been; I leave her and years later I come back and kill her boyfriend, only to expose her to all the dangers associated with me all over again. Even if I/d only seen her through your minds, I wouldn't have been able to control myself and stay away. I was absolutely convinced that there was nothing in this world more dangerous to Bella than me.
But now I know the truth. I had already killed her before I left, I just didn't know it."
We sat in silence for what seemed like hours before I could finally bring myself to look up at Jasper. He was staring at me with a mixture of compassion and consternation.
"Why didn't you explain this to us before?" he demanded in exasperation. "We could've helped you, supported you. We could've come up with alternative solutions to protect Bella together. Anything would have been better that what actually happened."
"When I talk to any of you about things like this, it's impossible not to see what you are thinking as well as what you are saying. It's unbearable to hear what you justly think of me."
"It may not be too late Edward. When Bella first shielded me, for a second she let me feel her emotions. She's hurt and feels betrayed, but she still loves us. If you were to explain to her what you explained to me, she may be able to forgive you eventually," I could hear the hope in his voice.
"It's too late," I told him.
"Don't you think it's at least worth a try? Honestly what have you got to lose?" He asked, infuriated by my attitude.
"She's married Jasper," I whispered.
Suddenly the private library was crammed with my family. I should've known they were listening. There really was no such thing as privacy amongst Cullens.
"What?" They all chorused.
"How do you know?"
"To who?"
"When did you find that out?"
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"Are you sure it's true?"
I held up my hands to stop the bombardment of questions and waited for them to give me the opportunity to speak.
"I found out at the airport," I began. Jasper nodded in understanding, realising this revelation must have been what almost brought me to my knees. "I was watching Bella through the minds of the humans when she left ahead of us."
"But who is she married to?" Alice demanded impatiently.
"Fred, the blond haired vampire in the Elite Guard," I told them.
"No way," hissed Rosalie. Rosalie had never felt truly jealous of any one person before. She was more beautiful than most vampires and they could also never have what she wanted. A human could have the family she yearned, but would never have the beauty or the power she yielded. But Bella had everything Rose had ever wanted; beauty, power, a handsome, influential husband and also a child. I could almost sense it as her hatred of Bella deepened.
"Are you sure?" Esme asked, she more than anyone else, was hoping that Bella could be a part of our family once again.
"Yes, I'm sure," I told her regretfully, "I've seen them together, their love seems genuine."
"You can't know that just from seeing a few moments," Alice wished.
"Wherever Bella has found happiness, we should be glad and grateful, she deserved so much more than we ever gave her," Jasper stated decisively. "I'm relieved she has not been alone all these years and no matter what, I will still consider her my sister. But Edward…you owe her an explanation. We all felt the damage you did when you lied to her in the woods the day you made us all leave her. She needs to hear the truth from you." Carlisle, Esme, Alice and Emmett reflected their wholehearted agreement to Jasper's words.
xxx
I wandered the castle looking for Bella. I wasn't having much luck. It was almost a day before I eventually found her. She was hurrying along a corridor, away from Aro and Sulpicia's private chambers. She saw me, acknowledged me with a half-smile and a nod, but continued on her way.
"Bella," I called to her, "can I talk to you?"
"Sorry Edward," she frowned, "I'm running late so I'm in a bit of a hurry right now."
My disappointment must have been evident on my face, because she hesitated.
"It's important," I told her, imploringly.
"Edward, there's nothing new I can tell you," Bella was impatient with me. "Renesmee hasn't made any decisions as yet and she has a lot to deal with at the moment. I don't want to push her into making a choice we'll all regret. She needs time."
"I know and I understand, if she needs time, of course she can have it. I actually wanted to talk to you about us."
"Us?" Bella seemed confused. I used the opening to rush ahead with my apology.
"I'm so sorry for the way I treated you, Bella. I left you and forced my family to leave you. I'm sorry for everything you had to deal with on your own."
"It's fine Edward," she dismissed my apology easily, obviously distracted. "Please don't feel guilty. Not loving someone is not a crime. None of us would've been happy if our entire relationship was fabricated out of a sense of duty. I admit things were pretty awful after you left, but it all worked out for the best eventually and I'm happy now."
"Bella, I lied," I admitted
"About what?" She was genuinely baffled.
"In the forest, when I said I didn't love you." I held my hands open towards her, hoping for a miracle, hoping she would understand why. "I never stopped loving you Bella."
"I don't understand. What are you trying to say?" she looked small and sad, almost like the vulnerable teenager I'd left behind.
"I left to protect you," I explained, trying to keep things simple.
"Impossible," she breathed almost inaudibly.
"Think about it Bella. Try and remember everything I told you. I told you I loved you more because if it came to it I would hurt myself by leaving in order to protect you." The words tumbled out of my mouth now. "I was going to hurt you Bella. I kept trying to tell you that, but you wouldn't listen. The week before I left, I almost killed you twice and you acted like that was nothing, that it was completely acceptable. But it wasn't nothing. I loved you too much to risk your life that way. It broke my heart to leave you, and I've loved and missed you every single second since then."
I could see her processing my explanation. I could almost see the pieces falling into place in her mind. Her lips parted in a silent oh as she froze in place. She didn't move for several minutes. I tried to get her attention by speaking her name, touching her face and shaking her arm, but she just continued to stare through me.
A subtle vibrating finally succeeded in stirring her where I had failed. She answered her phone mechanically, holding it to her ear without speaking.
"Bella? Is everything okay?" The male voice on the other end of the line demanded.
"Fine, Danny," Bella murmured. "Everything is fine."
"You're late. That's not like you. And you sound funny. Are you sure everything is alright?" the concern in his tone was evident.
"Sorry I'm late Daniel." Bella finally seemed more aware of when and where she was. "I couldn't get away from Aro. I'm on my way now," her voice was almost back to normal, but not quite.
"Do you want me to come and get you?" Daniel asked urgently.
"No Dan, it's fine," Bella reassured him. "Is Fred there yet?"
"He just this second came in."
"Can you ask him to meet me?" Bella seemed relieved.
"I'd be quicker," Daniel boasted.
"Not much," Bella smiled into the phone.
"See you soon then," Daniel ended the call.
Bella lowered her phone, took a deep breath and then looked me directly in the eye.
"I could forgive you for leaving because you didn't love me, but leaving me because you did is absolutely unforgivable. It's inexcusable! How dare you make decisions that hurt us both because you presumed to know what was best for me?" Her eyes flashed with anger and her tone was low, but intense. She didn't scream or shriek but I was in no doubt that she was unleashing a fury that I had never seen in her before, and it was fearsome to behold.
"I'm so sorry Bella, I honestly didn't understand anything until Renesmee showed us…"
"You still don't understand anything," she interrupted sharply. "She showed you fleeting moments, that's all. You will never, ever, have any idea what I went through, what I had to deal with, what I gave up." Just as suddenly as it spurted out, her rage drained away. She backed away from me, her face a mask of despair that broke my heart. I would have much rather dealt with her wrath. I started hesitantly towards her.
"Stay away from me," she hissed and I stopped advancing, but I just couldn't leave things like that. I took another small step forwards and her eyes zeroed in on me and narrowed, she looked ferocious.
Without taking her eyes off me she spoke in a tone contrary to her expression.
"Getting a lift with Danny is cheating you know."
I was momentarily confused before I realised we were no longer alone and that Bella hadn't been speaking to me.
"What can I say? I was feeling inpatient," Fred said jovially. Bella's posture relaxed a little as he approached her and she made no move to halt him.
"Is he waiting?" she asked warily.
"No, I told him we'd see him later." Bella let out a little huff of relief at Fred's reassurance.
"Good, he's always so happy and I'd hate to be the one to dampen his mood, especially this week," Bella spoke wistfully.
"We don't have long before he starts hounding us to hurry up though," Fred reminded her. "His enthusiasm knows no bounds. You want me to try and cheer you up before we head over there?"
He pulled her into a hug and she nestled into his chest. I was rooted to the spot in horror at such a display, my body involuntarily tensing into an offensive posture in response to him touching my Bella so intimately. Fred subtly turned Bella away from me, so that I was no longer in her line of sight and sent me a warning glare over her shoulder that was so intense, I actually cowered away from him.
"Good luck with that," Bella mumbled into his shoulder, challenging him to come up with something that could penetrate her mood.
"Hmmm," he thought for a moment. "Nathan will be home in a few days?" he offered, unsurely.
Bella pulled away from him and glared at him in consternation, but even from only her profile, I could see she was suppressing a very slight smile.
"I know we miss him, but you and I both know he has the potential to make this situation so much worse," she admonished Fred.
"Or maybe just more interesting," Fred smiled down at her. "Besides, we've weathered much stormier times than this before."
"Summer of 2017," she replied knowingly, and a grin broke across Fred's face. "Exactly what part of those tumultuous months did you think was funny?" she demanded.
"Sorry Darlin'," he apologised insincerely, "but I was just remembering the incident with Jane. That summer wasn't all bad."
"Jane hates me because of that Fred," Bella told him impatiently.
"Oh Bella, she already hated you long before then. That particular incident was just pure magic," Fred's eyes were twinkling, "a moment never to be forgotten!"
"Stop it Fred," Bella demanded, giving him a playful push away. "You know it was an accident." Bella was trying to sound stern, but she was openly smiling at the memory. Everything about her demeanour was brighter. Fred swooped in and gave her a firm kiss. He appeared very pleased that he had been able to improve Bella's mood so dramatically.
"Let's go," Fred said, grabbing Bella's hand and giving it a gentle tug, "We're already massively late and if we don't get there soon we'll miss all the fun." She followed him without hesitation. As she passed she threw me a livid glance, overflowing with hurt, anger and frustration, letting me know that our conversation was in no way forgiven or forgotten.
After they disappeared around the corner, I sank to my knees, unable to move. Every time I saw Fred and Bella together it felt like my heart was being grated, slowly and painfully. I couldn't even allow myself to be angry. No one was to blame but me. I had broken Bella, and Fred had fixed her. Even now it seemed like every time I saw Bella I would hurt her again and then Fred would swoop in and make her smile. I would be prepared to do almost anything to have her smile at me that way, even if it were only one more time.
As much as I hated Fred, I hated myself more. I could've had everything I had ever wanted but my actions had destroyed it all and it seemed no matter what I did I was destined to bring everyone I loved down with me. There had to be a solution and it was my duty to find it. I loved Bella. I loved Renesmee. I loved my family. Whatever it cost me, I had to find a way to bring them together and let them love each other. But even though I knew I should, even though I clearly didn't deserve her, even though she had moved on as I had hoped and found happiness with someone else, I could never let Bella go. I would fight for her, I had no other choice.
After several hours Jasper came looking for me.
"She didn't take it well," he stated, rather than asked. I just grimaced at him, unable to formulate a coherent response. "Did you expect anything else?" he inquired as I let him drag me back to my family. The only thing I was sure of was that I made terrible decisions on my own and, if I was to have any chance of making things better, I had to at least try and let them in.
AN: Thanks for reading.
I'd love to hear what you think. Is anyone feeling a little more sympathy for Edward? Can you guess what Bella did to upset Jane? If you'd like to know then there is a short explanation in a supplemental chapter I have posted. It's in the story White Noise, which you can access via my profile. I think it's worth a read (but obviously I'm biased!)
