A/N: Hiiiii. Thank you all so much for the WONDERFUL reviews/feedback that you all left me last chapter. I would have updated sooner but my computer was out of whack and it needed to be fixed, also, it was by birthday on Tuesday and I am now 17 yrs old!

I am so glad that you all are loving the story this much, and it means the world to me, so thank you very, very much. This chapter is really long, close to six thousand words actually. I hope that's alright. It's mostly in the paragraphs, a lot of things needing to be explained. Comment good or bad, just let me know what you think!

Thanks so much to my beta Jenna {_chngingx3lanes at LiveJournal} She actually beta'd this chapter twice so that I could get the chapter just right. So thank you so much to her, because she is like the best beta ever!

xoxo, Alex


Chapter Eleven - Bitter Sweet World

Tragic.
Everybody trying to hide
All of those girls Habits its
Kinda bizarre when it's who you are
It's tragic that it's come to this
I bury all of my vices
Trying to keep my head up over it
When everything's whatever
It's the be all end all

And right before we fade away
Call a spade a spade
And You should know You can tell

It's a Bittersweet world
Why can't we all just get along
In this Bittersweet world
Everybody's reaping what they sow
In this Sweet World

It was two weeks into December when Jenny decided she was going to tell Nate about her past life. The decision wasn't easy, her brain constantly making up worst case scenarios. Things that included Nate telling her she was a horrible person, that he couldn't be with her because of things she used to do before they met, him turning into her father and she her mother. But after a while, Jenny told her mind to shut up, letting her heart speak up for once. The heart told her that Nate would like her no matter what happened, he would help her just like he'd been doing all this time. The heart helped Jenny see she was in love with Nate, truly and unconditionally. She loved him for so many reasons besides the obvious one. She loved him because of his taste in music, the way they would disagree when it came to classic movies. Nate would always laugh so breathlessly, having her to think he was on the verge of passing out. She loved the way he dress in simple clothing, his style like so many other, but in a way of his own. She loved the way he held her, so tight, but loose. She loved his kisses, the soft of his lips caressing her, sparks flying high like fireworks on the fourth of July.

And Dan was right. Once Jenny realized her true feeling for Nate, she knew the right thing to do was to tell him everything, baring her soul. He needed to know where she came from, already knowing so much about his family and the life he lived before the two of them met. Nate shared so much with her and it felt selfish not to tell him something about her, let him get to know her better.

Jenny started to feel this way about him since Thanksgiving when he accompanied her home to spend the holiday with Rufus, Bex, and Dan. His father and stepmother, Eleanor, were heading to Milan for the holiday for a fashion show, while Blair accompanied her father and his boyfriend in Paris. Nate was happy to go with Jenny, not wanting to spend the time apart.

Ever since their first date, Nate and Jenny became inseparable. They spent all their time together, getting to know each other more, experiencing new things together. Of course they both spent time with their friends, but missed each other terribly when they were apart. They were experiencing feelings they never had before. Jenny was happy and it was all because of Nate. He was everything to her now, the only one she could ever truly be herself with. He saw her for who she was and not the past life she lived, although that was about to change very soon once she confessed to him everything. The time for her to confess would be the annual Snow Flake Alumni Ball, a party before the holidays hosted by one lucky New York private school and this year St. Jude's & Constance Billard were the lucky winners to host the festivities.

The Snow Flake Alumni Ball was an event dedicated to the present and past attendees of the most elite private schools in New York City. It was held every year before the Christmas holiday when students were released for the winter break. Everyone was getting ready, the news of who was accompanying who spreading all over the pages of Gossip Girl. Every girl in the Upper East Side was going crazy to find the perfect dress, most already putting theirs on hold at Bendel or having them custom made by famous designers. Jenny was doing none of that. Bex begged her to let the two of them shop for her dress, but because this ball was special to her, Jenny decided to design her own dress, something original. The idea came from Serena during the Thanksgiving holiday.

It was late in the afternoon and Jenny was sitting on the window seat of her room in Rufus' loft reading a book when Serena knocked softly on her bedroom door. "Hi, Jenny".

She smiled, placing the book face down in the spot next to her. Jenny was shocked to see Serena. "Hey, Serena."

Serena noticed Jenny's expression, explaining herself, "Amelia let me in."

"Oh", Jenny laughed. Amelia was Rufus' maid, of course she would be the one to let Dan's girlfriend inside. "What's up?"

Serena sat down on the bed, fingering the comforter. "Uh, Dan wasn't in his room."

"He went with Rufus and Nate to drop off some turkeys," Jenny explained, marking her place in the book before setting in back down next to her.

"Do you mind if I wait here with you?" Serena asked, then shook her head. "But if you're busy, I can just wait in Dan's room."

"Oh, no, it's alright," Jenny assured her with a smile. "This book was getting really sad anyway. I'd actually like the company."

"Yeah? What are you reading," she questioned, straining her neck to see the title of the book.

Jenny looked down at the book. It was a self help for former wrist cutters, helping them cope with the aftermath. They handed them out during the seminar at the hospital she attended last month with Eric. "It's, uh, this...did you and Dan have plans?"

Serena didn't seem to notice the subject change, or she just hid it very well. She picked up the black portfolio on Jenny's bed, looking through. "No, it's just that because I won't be able to spend Thanksgiving with him, I decided maybe it would be good if we went out tonight."

"That would be nice," Jenny agreed, hugging her legs to the front of her chest, chin resting on her knees.

Serena nodded, not really listening. She was too busy looking through Jenny's sketches, amazed by her talent. "Jenny, did you do this?"

She looked over at her, noticing the portfolio in her hand. "Uh, yeah, I wanted a new look for my uniform."

Serena was beaming, her face lighting up in awe. She lifted the portfolio up for Jenny to see as if she hadn't. The page displayed an indigo colored dress with ruffles outlining the bottom. It was classy yet simple. "Is this your dress for the ball?"

Jenny laughed shaking her head. "No, that just something I drew."

She placed the book into her lap, continuing to look through it. "Jenny have you ever thought of designing clothes?"

Jenny laughed again, moving her legs away from her chest, feet planted on the ground. "Not really. I just get tired of the stuff they have in the stores so I make what I like."

Serena closed the book, her smile brighter and wider than the sun shining outside. "Have you found a dress for the ball yet?" Jenny shook her head, making Serena squeal with satisfaction. "How awesome would it be if you came to the ball in a dress made by yourself. Do you know how jealous people would be?"

She thought about the idea, calculating all the reasons it would never work in her head. "Serena, I don't even have a sewing machine."

"We can go get you one," the bouncy blonde grinned, clapping her hands together, "…and don't you dare say no."

If it wasn't for Serena, Jenny never would have started designing her own dress. She spent the rest of the holiday, looking through fashion magazines, searching dresses in the web and digging through old pictures from her uncle's concerts looking for inspiration. Jenny knew that she wanted something in fashion, yet different from all the others. She wanted something that stood out, showing her individuality. The idea of her dress came the last week in November. She was sitting on the window seat of her window, Nate asleep in her bed, the two of them taking a nap together while Rufus and Dan went to the gallery Bex owned. Jenny awoke before Nate, watching him sleep from her seat by the window. Jenny was looking outside the window, the leaves falling from the tree across the street, littering the city the color of the Fall season. It was then that Jenny's idea was sparked. She rushed towards the desk where she kept her sketch book, pulling out and drawing immediately, her dream dress appearing onto the pages before her.

When Jenny returned back to school, she spent her nights working on the dress, making it come to life before her eyes. She'd gone shopping with Serena the day after her idea was hatched, the two girls searching for a sewing machine and the right color to fit the dress. Somehow news of Jenny designing her own dress spread through Gossip Girl, now everyone in the entire school was asking her of the brilliant dress creation she planned on wearing to the Snow Flake Alumni Ball. It surprised Jenny how much she enjoyed making her dress, everything in the world stopping as she sewed, making her dreams come a reality. Jenny never thought of becoming a fashion designer. She hadn't really thought about any job careers she wanted to pursue in the future actually. The thought of a future never crossing her mind before this experience.

"Shit!" Jenny cursed sucking the tip of her pointer finger in her mouth where the needle pierced it. It was the day of the Snow Flake Alumni Ball, and Jenny was almost finished with her dress, the finishing touches being put on at the moment. The fabric of the dress maroon, mirroring to the color of Fall. Jenny hadn't been out of her room since leaving school early that day, canceling plans with Nate to finish her masterpiece. He was anxious to spend time with her before the ball. Serena tried repeatedly to sneak a peek of Jenny's dress, popping in every half hour. She even sent Dan over with her camera phone.

Jenny was meeting Blair and Serena outside the school in an hour, the three girls sharing a hotel to get ready for the ball. The familiar ring tone of Jenny's cell phone sung, signaling a caller. She dashed towards the phone, cradling it between her neck and cheek, continuing to work on her dress.

"Hello, Jenny's mad house of fashion. How may I help you?" she greeted into the phone, giggling softly.

Serena's high pitched laugh came from the other end of the phone. "Hey, J, just called to tell you that B and I will be meeting a little bit earlier than planned."

Jenny's mouth dropped, "You're kidding? I'm not even done with putting the sequences on my dress yet."

"You can finish the dress at the hotel after Ramon does your hair," Serena assured, wishing Jenny could see the smile that confirmed it on her face.

She sighed into the phone, gathering the things she needed to finish the dress, while saying, "I'll be in front of the school in ten minutes." She hung up the phone, rushing to find the rest of her clothes for the ball, stuffing them into a duffel bag.

The hotel they arrived to was the Plaza Hotel, there bags were taken to the room, where both Blair and Serena chose dresses from a rack of clothes designed by her mother. Jenny rushed to finish her dress, putting up a fight when Serena dragged her away from it to get her hair done by Ramon, Serena's hairstylist. He was a fare skinned man, his jet black hair straightened, a veil around his eyes. His voice was thick almost choking, laugh nasally and loud. He styled Jenny's hair into curled up-do, strands hanging down the back, parted bangs dangling from the front, hair littered with small crystals. Jenny fidgeted the whole time, earning a disapproving remark from Ramon. She just had a lot on her mind, thinking of Nate and the conversation they were soon going to have. Jenny was scared, her mind telling her to prolong the conversation, but she trusted Nate, the thought of him knowing her past making her trust and him much stronger. She was in love with him, the dazzling personality that shined through, his kind will and good nature. He was her everything, saving her from the bitter sweet world they lived in.

Serena and Blair were dressed and ready before Jenny, who was having trouble zipping up the back her dress. Ramon assisted her in the process, his mouth falling open after Jenny turned around, showing her dress to him. He was the first to ever see it besides herself and the look on his face told Jenny he loved the dress just as much as she did. Nate arrived with Chuck, Eric (his date Madison) and Dan while she was putting on her jewelry. She could hear there voices through the bedroom door, Blair complaining about them being a little bit too fashionably late. Slipping her foot into the last shoe, Jenny spun around, looking at herself in the floor to ceiling mirror on the wall.

The dress was halter shaped at the top, two thick straps connecting behind the neck, embroidered with claret and gold diamond shaped flowers and maroon colored tutu stopping below the knees, littered with sparkles. On her feet were red open-toes pumps, gold outlines, and a scarlet rose perched above the toes. On her wrist were the usual bracelets she wore, a special diamond one that matched her earrings was new to the group, it being a present from Nate.

"You can do this, Jenny," she coached herself, breathing in and out before opening the bedroom doors, making her way towards the group.

It was Serena's reaction she heard first, the high pitched squeal that could shatter the world. "Jenny, you look amazing," her hands flew to her mouth, muffling the excited screams.

Jenny's eyes met Nate's, a smile lighting up his face. He moved towards her, kissing the softness of her lips. "You are so beautiful".

The limousine ride to the Snow Flake Alumni Ball was a joyous occasion, Chuck opening the champagne, toasting to a wonderful night, winking in Nate's direction, the remembrance of their earlier conversation being sparked. Jenny snuggled against Nate, him whispering how beautiful she looked in her ear, sneaking kisses. The limousine was packed with couples: Chuck and Blair, Dan and Serena, Jenny and Nate, Eric and Madison, along with a few others from school. Jenny noticed the girls as Blair's minions from their encounter in the hallway months back. The moment they saw Jenny, their jaws dropped, sending death glares, an obvious sign of jealousy. Blair never admitted it aloud, but she liked Jenny's dress, the idea of wearing a Fall color in the middle of Winter bold and fashionable correct. Instead of letting Jenny know, she simply nodded in approval on their way out the hotel suite.

With a little magic, creativity, smoke and mirrors, the dense space recommended for the cafeteria was transformed into a winter wonderland. Outside of the sheer silver curtains, two six feet polar bears framed the entrance to the main dining and party area. Jenny's mouth dropped at the sight of the venue. The lights above reflecting a shade of peacock, hundreds of tables outlining the room, set with lavish sapphire painted plants, gold silverware table setting, seated for four couples. The dance floor was enormous, above hung lightened snowflakes, reflecting from the glass ceiling above. There was a sitting lounge, candles giving the blue room a distinct glow. Cocktails were on the other side of the room, separating the adults from the young adults.

"I thought this was an Alumni Ball", Iz, one of Blair's minions, commented as she looked around the venture. "I don't see my mom and dad."

Blair turned to her, a look of disgust plastered on her face. "Iz, alumni means graduates from the past five years, not your botox ingested mother." Serena pinched Blair's arm before walking off towards the dance floor with Dan.

"Does that mean Carter Bazin is here?" Penelope, the other minion, asked searching the room.

"Why don't you go and look". Blair's suggested although it was more like an order. Catching Blair's tone, the three girls rushed off towards the dance floor with their dates.

The DJ blasted Ashley Tisdale's newest song, Hot Mess, the dance floor going crazy with gyrating bodies. "Let's dance", Nate suggested, pulling Jenny towards the dance floor.

"You wake up in your bra and your makeup, Ooh,Ooh, Car in the driveway, parked sideways, Yeah, I know this is killing me...", the song played while Jenny sung along with the words, Nate's arms wrapped around her waist. Jenny looked around her, people from her school and others coming together for one night. There were couples and friends dancing with each other. Serena and Dan were basically having sex on the dance floor, Chuck and Blair were teasing each other, while Eric and his date Madison kept it classy and real. Madison was a girl both Eric and Jenny knew from group therapy at the hospital. She and Eric became friends last month, the two of them going on dates, becoming inseparable. They'd even double dated with Jenny and Nate a couple times. Jenny was glad Eric found someone he really liked, having felt bad about not spending as much time with him since she started dating Nate. But now that Eric had a girlfriend she was happy for him, wanting her friend to feel the love she felt every time she and Nate were together.

"Babe, you wanna go get a drink?" Nate asked.

Feeling the dryness of her throat, Jenny nodded, letting Nate pull her away from the dance floor. "This is fun", she admitted, sitting down at the table reserved for them and the rest of their friends.

He chuckled in agreement, pulling Jenny into his lap, her head resting on his shoulder. "Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?"

"You may have mentioned it a few times." Jenny raised her head, looking into his eyes. She let out a deep breath and said, "Nate, you think maybe we can talk after the dance? There is something I need to tell you."

"Of course". His smile was brighter than the shaded blue lights above, "Are you having fun, though?"

"This is one of the best nights of my life," she nodded, playing with the silver place setting on the table. "How come there are plates but no food?"

Nate chucked. Everyone asked the same question there first Alumni Ball. "There is food, but everyone is just too cool to eat it".

Jenny looked confused. "I'm not too cool to eat. Can we go get some?".

Without a word, he captured her mouth with his, the sweet taste of her lip-gloss smearing his lips. He loved kissing her, the feelings she bestowed on him like no other. Most girls, including his ex Vanessa, never wanted to eat food from a school function, even though you could hear the cry of their stomach from miles away. But Jenny was different. She didn't care about looking sophisticated, or hide the fact that she was starving. It was one of the many things Nate loved about her.

Jenny braided her hands through his hair, massaging the scalp with her fingertips. They were so long in each other, they didn't noticed the appearance of Blair and Chuck.

Blair cleared her throat loudly, kicking at the leg of the chair Nate and Jenny were sitting in. When she gained their attention she spoke, "Sorry to interrupt your little yuck fest. But Nate, Chuck and I need to speak with you about something."

Nate glanced towards Jenny, hoping they'd leave the two of them alone. "Now?"

Chuck smirked, catching his friends drift, but the information he and his better half were carrying was too important to keep it waiting. "It's important, Nathaniel."

Nate looked at Jenny, contemplating his decision. He wanted to stay with her, but the look in Chuck's eyes proved there was something very important he and Blair needed to say. "Five minutes."

He stood Jenny up, sitting her back down in the seat he was previously sitting in. Nate leaned down, smiling at her. "I'll be right back."

She smiled up at him, kissing the bottom of his chin. "I'll be fine right here," Giving her one last kiss, Nate disappeared into the crowd with his stepsister and best friend.

"Jenny!" Eric yelled, he and Maddison walking towards the table. "Where is Nate?"

She shrugged, "Blair and Chuck dragged him away."

"Does than mean, I get that dance you promised me?" he asked, holding his hand out to her. Madison smiled encouragingly, letting her know it was alright.

Jenny took his hand, giggling, "That is exactly what it means."

The two of them hopping around the dance floor. He spun Jenny around, the tutu of her dress flying high in the air. She was happy, never having this much fun in all her life. Before this life, Jenny didn't know what it felt like to attend a school function, always staying home with her parents, hiding in her small room, or out with Kami who would drag her to a riot in a nearby abandoned building in Brooklyn. As far as her memory would go, Jenny remembered all her fun times being with Dan and her Uncle Rufus, the trips they would take when Jenny came to visit sometimes over the summer. She'd spend every summer with them, but that stopped completely the year her father's business went bankrupt. He found hard liquor that year, her mother bruises and Jenny cutting. But this year was different for Jenny and she was grateful for that. This year, Jenny found friends, a hobby that she loved to do and a boyfriend that she loved with all her heart.

In the beginning of her new life, Jenny took it for granted, she hated, banished it from her memory. She saw this new life as a curse, something she never wanted. But as the months went on, and the treatment began, Jenny was thankful for her new life, seeing all the possibilities and opportunities that would come from it. She was stronger now than she was before.

"Eric, I'm going to the bathroom," Jenny informed him, shouting over the loud music. Popular by The Veronicas was blasting from the speakers. Eric nodded, turning back to the dance floor.

Jenny pushed past the people on the dance floor towards the woman's bathroom. She walked over to the sink, pulling the red lip-gloss from her white clutch, applying a fresh coat. After she was done, Jenny pulled out the small comb Ramon gave her, touching up the split bangs in front of her hair. The toilet flushed behind her, a girl stepping out of the stall.

"Hey, Jenny!" Nelly Yuki smiled, pumping soap into her hand from the dispenser, putting them under the automatic running water.

Jenny smiled back. "Hey, Nelly".

Nelly Yuki was a sophomore like Jenny, the two of them sharing a journalism class together. Nelly was one of the smartest people Jenny knew, her grade point average a 4.0. She'd accomplished more things than anyone Jenny knew. She was also a really nice person, the two of them becoming really quick friends.

"You look amazing, Jenny, like seriously", she complimented, drying her hands on the small white hand towel next to the sink. She pulled out a tube of chapstick, smearing it onto her lips.

"I agree", the voice coming from the stall behind agreed with Nelly's earlier compliment. Jenny looked up in the mirror, meeting the eyes of the one person she never wanted to see again. Nelly's eyes were even wider than usual once she caught a glimpse of the person standing behind them, she smiled cryptically towards Jenny before rushing out of the bathroom.

Vanessa Abrams walked slowly, standing next to Jenny, her the mirror reflected a calm stance on her face. She pumped the soap in her hand, washing them under the water. Jenny's face was hot, mouth dry from the intense taste of pennies. It was a good thing she'd been too nervous to eat earlier that day otherwise it would have all been splattered across the bleached white sinks in front of her. Jenny never was good in situations like these. She usually kept quiet, waiting for the intense blow to come, knocking the fight out of her, seeking comfort in the happy place that was once her best friend. She would hide in that place, the world becoming oblivious to her, a faded part in the background, but now as she stood next to her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, alone in the bathroom, she had nothing to run to, nothing to dull the pain until it was gone completely. She was nude, running through a sea of confrontation.

Vanessa pursed her lips, sliding gloss along their edges, eyeing Jenny in the mirror. "I must say, you look so much different than the last time I saw you."

Jenny blinked a few times, not expecting those to be the first words Vanessa said to her once they came face-to-face with each other again. Maybe she wasn't as mad as Jenny thought, maybe, just maybe she was happy for Nate and her.

She placed the gloss away from her lips, pointing it in Jenny's direction. "Maybe it's the slut in you that makes you look so different."

Her face turned the same shade as her dress, the embarrassment washing over. "Vanessa, I-". She didn't know what to say, her voice sounded foreign, scared in the empty bathroom.

"You, know, I was actually jealous of you for a while," Vanessa continued as if Jenny never opened her mouth. "...but then I realized something. You and Nate aren't going to last."

Jenny wanted to laugh at her, she wanted to tell her that she and Nate were going to be together for a long time, and that she was just bitter because he broke up with her for someone else. Said someone being herself. But her voice was frozen, ice churning and gurgling in her throat, chilling all confidence her voice had.

"You're just a faze for Nate, and you can't possibly think he's in love with you," the torture continued, Vanessa's voice cooler than marble. She pulled the small compact from her purse, patting the blush on her cheeks, taking her eyes from Jenny.

There was voice screaming inside her head, begging for her to say something, tell Vanessa that she was wrong. The soft sweet voice told Jenny, Nate did lover her, saying they were more than just a faze. But as the voice screamed, its lungs burning from the cries, but there was another voice overpowered it. This voice was angry, fire shooting from it. The voice was telling her Vanessa was right, confirming ever word she said. This voice pounded the words of Vanessa over and over, crashing into her mental state. The voices were too much, too many flooding her head. She wanted to walk away, go back to the ball and find Nate, but she couldn't. Her feet were frozen to the ground, itching up her body until the cold became her body; it did. The water in her eyes began to form, clouding the vision of herself and Vanessa in the mirror.

"Oh!" Vanessa laughed, placing a hand over her bitter heart. She looked into Jenny's eyes, the soft tears coating them, "...you actually believes he loves you. How pathetic."

Jenny kept her eyes straight, staring at the girl in front of her. Tonight was suppose to be that beautiful girls in the mirrors best night of her life. She was suppose to dance with her friends, kiss her boyfriend, and become part of something for the first time. The girl with the beautiful hair, makeup, dress and smile was suppose to shine, have the entire ball look in her direction, envying the life she seemed to live. This was suppose to be her night, but here in this bathroom, the lights shining bright, almost blinding, her perfect night was gliding away, while she was being swallowed whole in this bitter sweet world.

"Nate has really got to stop stringing you along, filling your head with lies", Vanessa coated her lips with red, then snapping the cap back into its place. "...because we both know he will never love you, and that one person he will ever love is me."

Shut up!, Jenny wanted to yell in Vanessa's direction, but her voice was solid, frozen like the winter night. "That's exactly why he still calls me."

That was when she defrosted herself, the heat rising slowly within her body. Jenny turned her face towards Vanessa, shocked and confused. "What?"

"He did tell you? Did he?". Vanessa was laughing that sinister laugh as she continued to paint herself a new face with the cosmetics in her bag. She pulled out her cell phone, flipping through before finding just what she was looking for. She slid the phone to Jenny, text messages from Nate filled the inbox. "...he never mentioned you once which was why I was surprised to see the two of you together tonight."

"Bye," Vanessa snatched the phone, dropping it into her clutch before walking towards the bathroom's exit. She turned around, back pressed against the door. "Oh, and the whole Fall in Winter theme makes you look cheep."

The bathroom door closed and just like old times, Jenny was alone, facing the hurt by herself, no one there to catch her falling tears. She was once used to it, having only one friend who ended up betraying her trust, never the affectionate type. But here in this new life, with her new hair, dress, makeup and smile, Jenny never thought about being alone. She had a strange sense of knowing that no matter what problem she dealing with, there was always someone there to catch her, pick up the broken pieces she left behind, putting her together again. Whether it was her therapist, the hospital staff, Rufus, Dan, Eric, Agnes, Nate, Blair, or anyone else she'd come in contact with sense her new beginning, Jenny depended on those people to help her, be the shelter she seek comfort in. But no one was there, no one making her whole again.

There was a whole in her chest, spilling the thoughts she pushed away at the beginning of the night, flooding her mind. She had planned her entire conversation with Nate, how she'd tell him of the life she lived before him, knowing he would continue to love her just like before. But the angry voice from before was back, kicking the soft one away in the distance until it was gone from her brain. Nate did love her, the voice convinced. He only loved and will ever love Vanessa, the text messages in her phone flashing across her memory. They were recent, from before Thanksgiving, after, and the beginning of the month. He was in contact with Vanessa, probably exchanging love messages, pushing Jenny from his mind. He didn't love her and he never would. He was just like all the other boys that she once liked, using her to get something or someone else that was so much better than her. Nate was her whole world, the reason she woke in the morning, the reason she wanted to tell him everything. But according to Vanessa and the angry voice in her head, Nate never loved her, only Vanessa.

On the other side of the bathroom, Jenny could hear the laughter, the music blaring, happy people enjoying themselves while she stood miserable in a bathroom, face streaming with scolding tears, an avalanche of mascara gliding down her cheeks. The veins in her arms twitched, the false high calling her, beckoning her into that familiar world. Jenny took a deep breath, leaving the party before anyone could spot her. In the distance, she saw Vanessa standing next to Nate, Blair and Chuck, the four of them deep in conversation. She moved her legs faster, bumping into Madison, Eric's date, before leaving, the girl staring at Jenny as she left, taking in her tear stricken, hurt face. The same expression Madison seen on her own face the night she relapsed, sending her back into rehab.

"Nate, can we talk after the Ball?", Vanessa was asking, her hand creeping out to touch his arm. They were standing near the outskirts of the party at the bar. "...you can come by my hotel".

Blair's face crunched up in disgust, rolling her eyes in Vanessa's direction. Nate shook Vanessa's hand off his arm. "Jenny and I have plans after the Ball and I wouldn't come if we didn't."

Vanessa folded her arms across her chest, childishly and pouted. "...but, Nate, I really think we should talk about us."

Nate laughed, leaning against the bar. "What us? I have a girlfriend."

Blair nodded in agreement. "One that we all actually like". She said this while sending a look at the raven haired girl, Vanessa, standing next to Nate.

"What is your problem?", Vanessa snapped, glaring towards Blair.

"Easy, B", Chuck warned, knowing how bitchy his girlfriend was. "She's not worth it."

Blair, the Queen B she was, smirked, unfazed by Vanessa's tone of voice. "Just the fact that you constantly annoy me."

Serena and Dan was coming there way, holding souvenir bags. Dan spoke first, looking around the group for someone. "Nate, where is Jenny?".

"Madison told me she was dancing with Eric", Nate answered, remembering Eric's date's words from earlier. He'd sat at the bar with Chuck and Blair, waiting for Jenny to find him when Vanessa came up to him, a strange smile on her face.

Both Serena and Dan looked confused, Eric and Madison walking up to the group behind them. "Eric just told us she went to the bathroom and was going to find you afterward."

"I've been waiting for her the entire time," Nate explained, not really understanding what was going on.

"I-I saw her come from the bathroom a while ago...", Madison spoke softly, capturing everyone's attention. "She looked really upset."

Dan turned to Madison, hands raised in confusion. "What do you mean upset?"

"Her eyes were red and she was crying", Madison explained, her voice dropping to a loud whisper. "She looked like she was about to relapse."

Everyone besides Dan and Eric looked at Madison like she'd grown three heads and was suddenly sprouting fire from her mouth. "Excuse me?"

Eric stepped forward. "Dan, there is something I've been meaning to tell you. Jenny hasn't been going to her meetings."

"What meetings?", Nate asked, confused and worried at the same time, but no one answered him.

"How do you know about that?" Dan asked defensively, the Humphrey wall shooting up.

Eric looked around. The only people knowing the truth about his problem was Serena and Chuck. "Because I attend the same meetings."

Dan was moving before he'd even realized it, his feet moving towards the door, unaware of the crowd of friends behind him, all wondering the same thing. He needed to find Jenny, stop her from doing the thing he'd been waiting for her to do for so long. The dormitories were empty for the night, most students heading back to their rented suites. Dan knew Jenny hadn't gotten far, most likely returning to her room.

"Dan, what the hell is going on?," Nate questioned, trying to keep up with Dan, a scared look on his face. "What the hell were you, Eric and Madison talking about back there?"

They were outside now, Dan still not answering any of Nate's questions. Eric was behind them, the rest of the group staying behind at the party. Nate was freaking out, thoughts running wild in his head. He wanted to know where Jenny was, see if she was aright, safe and out of harms way. Maybe it was the thought of her being in danger or seeing Vanessa again, but it suddenly dawned on Nate why he was so worried when it came to Jenny, why he'd been for the past couple of months: He loved her! He loved everything about her, the high pitch laugh of hers, the way she crinkled her nose whenever she was thinking, the nervous hair pull, and the smile that lit up the entire room whenever they were together. He loved her more than he had anyone else. Of course there was Vanessa, but the only reason he started dating her was because of his father's pressuring words, half of their relationship arguments about how they didn't have anything in common or Vanessa complaining about Nate's friends. But it was different with Jenny because the idea to date her was his own. He was falling in love for the first time, but now there was something wrong with her, a problem she suffered from. All the information he gathered through Dan, Madison and Eric's exchange was Jenny on the verge of relapse, not attending meetings.

When reaching Jenny's dorm, Dan tried the knob, but it was locked. "Jenny!" Dan screamed pounding on the door with his fist. He tried four more times before Nate pushed him aside.

"Jenny! Baby, open the door!", Nate banged the door this time. With the side of his body, he lunged into the door, ripping the lock open.

There was a light shining from under the bathroom door, no noised being made, just the ragged breathing of the people huddled together in the room.

"Not again," Dan said to himself, opening the bathroom door, blinded by the bright lights and color he'd never wanted to see again. He stepped back, leaning against the door, his willpower burst out of him.

"Oh my god", Eric stated softly, placing a hand over his mouth, the tears softly streaming down his face. He never wanted this to happen.

In front Dan and Eric, Nate stood, face blank. He couldn't speak, he couldn't think, and he couldn't move. It was all hitting him at once, the realization of what he was seeing. The girl he loved was lying on the floor, a helpless mess. He walked forward into the bathroom and sat down, hovering over her body, pulling Jenny into his arms, and for the first time since his father was sent to rehab, Nathaniel Archibald cried.

Outside, the weather was cold, winter making its mark, but in the bathroom, it was the season of Fall, the scarlet color everywhere, seeping from the vein in Jenny's wrist, blending with the dress she was wearing.