A/N Thanks to everyone who's reviewed :-) If you get a second alert, sorry about that, but ate half the formatting I did.

"The plastics guy is giving me the creeps." Meredith said as they walked back from the car together.

"I didn't like him either, but he's supposed to be good. Grace's plastics department isn't really that good. One of the few surgical areas that don't have world renowned Heads."

"Still, it freaks me out to think that I'm going to be under and completely helpless with him around. I know that there's a whole surgical team, but..."

"That bad, heh. We can find you another plastic surgeon."

"Yes? He's Mercy West's plastic god. You said yourself, Grace's plastics department sucks. Where are we going to find another good plastic surgeon in Seattle? I hate to tell you but Seattle isn't that big a business for plastic surgeons outside of reconstruction."

"I didn't say Grace's plastics department sucks, I said it's not that good."

"With is Derek-speak for saying it sucks because you're never going to say something like that about the hospital whose Chief you hope to be." Meredith interrupted him.

"We could look in L.A. or..." he went silent for a moment. He didn't really want to, but for Meredith he would. She deserved the best. And the best plastic surgeon... "I could call Mark."

"What?" Meredith looked at him strangely.

"You said Mercy's plastic guy creeps you out, I don't really know that many plastic surgeons and even less that would drop everything immediately to take your case. So, Mark is an option. Think about it. He is an ass and I hate him, but he is the go-to guy on the east coast. You might as well make use of the connection."

"But like you said, you hate him. And you were so... upset the last time he was here."

"Well, you didn't have cancer then. Priorities change sometimes. It seems silly to keep him out of Seattle if he could help you."

"But would Mark come? He has a practice in New York. You said yourself, he is the go-to guy of the East Coast."

"If I call him he would. He owes me."

"You would be guilt tripping him."

"Well... Yes." Derek shrugged unconcerned.

"If you think you can handle it, Mark being in the same state as you and Addison, then I would be... grateful if you'd call Mark. But promise me something?"

"What?"

"Don't punch him again. Because those hands, they're gifted and you shouldn't endanger that, not even for Mark. It's not worth it." he smiled briefly.

"I promise I won't punch him. Can I kick him? That won't hurt my hands?"

"Derek!"

"I'll behave."

"Thank you. Can you drop me of back at the hospital? I'm taking over for Alex now, since he came in early to cover my morning shift."

"Sure, I was going there any ways. Paperwork, the joy of being the Department Head."

"Oh, poor you. Its so horrible to be Head of a Department in a major hospital..."

They laughed.

Derek slowly scrolled through the phonebook of his cell. He had been doing paperwork, but now it was time if he wanted to still reach Mark today. He looked at every number, took more time the closer he got to the M section. Finally Mark's office number showed up on the screen. He hesitated before he took a deep breath and hit the call button.

"Mark Sloan, how may I help you?"

"It's Derek. He was answered with silence. I need you to come to Seattle for a consult."

"Why? The last time I was there, I didn't really get the vibe that you wanted me there."

"Mark..."

"No. I'm not coming just so you can go all self-righteous bastard on me again."

"You slept with my wife. In my bed. On my favourite sheets. You owe me."

"Tell me about the case."

"It's a breast reconstruction after mastectomy."

"You're calling me for a boob-job after cancer?"

"Yes."

"Why would I come all the way out there for a simple boob-job? I can do dozens here."

"Because I am asking you, and do I need to remind you, you slept with my wife, in..."

"in your bed on your favourite sheets. Yeah. It's not Addison is it?"

"You think I would call you for Addison's boobs?"

"Then why do you care?"

"It's Meredith. Meredith has cancer. And the plastics guy her doctor recommended creeps her out."

"You're calling me to give your girlfriend new boobs? What does Addison think about that?"

"Are you coming or not?"

"Fine. But afterwards we're even."

Derek snorted, somehow he couldn't see how helping Meredith redeemed Mark for sleeping with his wife, but if that's what it would take for him to get here he had no other choice.

"I see you hung up."

Derek pushed his briefcase through the closing elevator doors.. It was 6pm and he was done for the day. He wasn't scheduled to be in today, but he was a little behind on paperwork because of the whole Meredith-thing and so he had taken the chance when she asked him to taker her back to the hospital to catch up. He was aware of the eyes that followed him, that followed Meredith where ever she went, that followed Addison. Ever since Izzie Stevens had accused Meredith and him of sleeping together, the looks had followed him, her, them, ever watching, ever judging. As if anyone in this damn hospital had the right to judge. Not that there was anything they could judge about since he and Meredith were only friends. He smiled when he saw the only other occupant. Guess tomorrow would mean even more talk if they'd walk out of the Hospital together.

"Meredith."

"Derek."

"I called Mark earlier. He is flying out the day after tomorrow. I already contacted Dr. Cox. She wasn't happy but if Mark gives the okay, an OR is booked at Mercy West in four days."

"Great." her voice was flat.

"That's good news. It means we finally start kicking this cancers ass."

"It also means they're cutting off my breast."

"And building up a new one at the same time."

"It'll leave scars."

"So what?" she looked genuinely upset at the prospect of having scars, but if it meant to get rid of the cancer, Derek just couldn't see why it was such a big deal. Derek rubbed his face. They had only one more floor to go. Determined he pressed the emergency stop button. He stood in front of her. What he was about to do... it would maybe be crossing the line, but not really.

"Look at me, Mer." she avoided his eyes. "Meredith." he gently lifted her chin up, he didn't wanted to hurt her, but she needed to look at him.

"You are beautiful, sexy and ..."

"But not for long. I won't be in four days." she looked so small, so vulnerable and all he wanted to do was pull her into his arms and make everything okay.

"That's not true. Yes, it will leave scars, but it won't change anything, you will still be beautiful. Those scars, they will be a mark of your character, how truly strong you are, that you are a fighter, that you don't give up and that you survive." She laughed, but it was hollow. He had to make her believe.

"Meredith, if you believe me nothing else, believe this, you are so very beautiful, perfect even and that won't change." he knows this so be the truth, because to him Meredith is always beautiful. She is beautiful after the end of a long day, exhausted and barely able to stand. She is beautiful in the OR, scrubbed in completely with mask and scrub cap when all he can see of her are her eyes. She is beautiful standing in the rain. She is beautiful wearing her ratty old Dartmouth shirt. She is beautiful in the mornings when she is so tired she has trouble to open her eyes. And if they were to remove both of her breasts, and if she were to loose all her hair during chemo, she would still be beautiful to him. The elevator moved again, she must have released the button. The doors opened.

"You say I am beautiful, Derek." She says as she steps around him to leave, he knows he looks hopeful, hopeful that she'll believe him. "But in the end, being beautiful wasn't enough, because you still chose her. So how will anyone ever choose me if I am not even beautiful anymore?" She steps outside, her eyes wide and sad, filled with unshed tears and before he can react, before he can process her words, the elevator doors move shut and she is hidden from his sight. And he can't breathe. He has to make her understand. He pushes the button to open the doors frenetically, but the doors won't budge and the elevator moves again. He thought she understood. She had said she understood why he had to try. Meredith... he had meant what he said to her when he had told her the story of Addison and Mark. She had saved him from drowning, had been like coming up for fresh air. She doesn't know and neither does Addison, but in between, there had been almost as many women as there had been nights. He was not proud of it, but he had just found his wife in bed with his best friend and he needed to feel something, anything besides anger and pain even if it was just for a few minutes. But Meredith she had been different, from the moment he had seen her at Joe's he had known she would be different. He had been determined that night, the first time at Joe's that he would not pick up another woman. Seattle was a fresh start and he would leave his past where it belonged, in New York. Then a woman in a black dress with honey coloured hair had entered the bar, and unlike before he wanted to talk to her, wanted to know her, didn't just want to use her to make himself feel better. Then, during their first drunken encounter she had done what the women before her had not managed. Oh, the other women served as proof that he was good, desirable, soothed the ache of not being enough that finding Addison in bed with Mark had left, but Meredith made him forget. Forget that he had a wife that had betrayed him with his brother. Forget that he was almost 40 and nothing but a career left of his life. His dreams, his hopes, his future, it had all been gone. When he saw her again, just a few hours after she had so endearingly kicked him out of her house, he took it as a sign. And she had become everything. For two months, everything that was good in his life had been her. Every smile, every touch, every giggle, healed his heart a little more until he couldn't tell her the truth anymore because then she'd leave (rightly so) and there would be nothing good left in his life and he'd be back in the dark hole of nothingness and pain Addison and Mark had left him in. He dared to dream again, dared to hope for a future where love existed and he wouldn't be betrayed. But then Addison had shown up and he was almost sure he loved Meredith, but the last woman he had told he loved had betrayed him and he was crushed, but Meredith had the power to destroy him. He had known something was different with Meredith ever since he had seen her and that snake-guy patient of hers kissing, because if he were honest with himself that sickening feeling in his stomach he had that moment had been jealously. And so he had chosen the safe option, because nothing Addison could do could hurt him more than what she had already done, and instead of Meredith destroying him he had destroyed Meredith. And Addison had the ring, the vows he had given her, he had promised her forever and until death does us part and in good and in bad times and if that weren't the bad times he had no idea what they'd be. So really he had no choice but to try with her again, because Addison had wanted to, and at some point he had loved her enough to bind himself to her 'till death. It didn't matter that he sometimes caught himself resenting Addison more for breaking him and Meredith up than for sleeping with Mark, that he sometimes wished he had met Meredith instead of Addison all those years ago (he is not sure it would have been legal, Addison and he had met more than 15 years ago). It doesn't matter that these thoughts are completely useless and painful. But Meredith didn't understand, Meredith didn't know that it was not because she wasn't enough because she was everything, but maybe because she was too much. And Derek Shepherd was a coward. For all he was adventurous in the OR, Addison had left him a coward in matters of the heart. Too much of a coward to end a marriage, to take what he wanted; too much of a coward to really try to repair said marriage and let go of who he loved the most. If the elevator would just open the fucking doors again, he needed to get to Meredith, for even though he was a coward, he could not let her go on thinking she was not enough. The doors finally opened, and Derek breathed in relief. He moved to step out, to take the stairs it would be faster, but then Addison stood in front of him, and now his window of opportunity was gone. He could no longer go after Meredith. At least not tonight. He could only hope to see her tomorrow.

"Do you want to go out for dinner?" Addisons voice was hesitant but hopeful. No, he thought, he wanted Meredith. But that wasn't an option.

"Sure." he found himself saying. What did it really matter anymore. It was not like he could go and see Meredith tonight, because he, Derek Shepherd was a coward. Even if he could, how would he fix what he broke. He mentally started to compose a list of his faults. Fool. Coward. Pervert. Adulterer. Liar. Bad Husband. Bad Man. Bad Human. He drove on autopilot to a french café. It had become a compromise between them, for Addison loved French Food, but Derek hated the dressy french places in town. Here, Addison got her french food, but Derek could show up in jeans. They were seated in a small booth. Addison was chatting happily about her day. Sometimes it was so easy to make her happy these days, just a trip to a restaurant, and yet Derek rarely ever did. The day Addison had shown up was the first time he had planned to properly take Meredith out, wine, steak, carbs in a basket, the whole deal.

"What are you thinking about?" she interrupted his thoughts. Meredith.

"Mark." he said instead. He watched as her smile froze on Addisons face.

"He'll be coming to Seattle the day after tomorrow."

"How do you... why?"

"We talked earlier today."

"I didn't know you two were talking." she looked confused.

"We don't."

"But why..."

"Dr. Martin of Mercy West freaks Mer out, and the only plastic surgeon I know is Mark."

"So this is about Meredith." her voice was bitter.

"I..." how was he supposed to answer that.

"I really don't know why I bother." Addison said with a shake of her head and a sour smile.

"What the hell it that supposed to mean, Addison?"

"It means that you even make amends with Mark for her! Is there anything you won't do? You weren't even willing to talk to me the last time he was here."

"So what...?" Of all the things Addison could be upset about, calling Mark was the one thing he had not expected.

"You don't get it, do you?" No, he didn't, not this. He shook is head.

"You know what, lets just go home. I'm not in the mood any longer." Derek shrugged. If she wanted to go home, to stop talking, he wasn't about to make her.

"He's going to be here for three days, four max."

"So you won't talk to me for four days, Derek?"

"Of course not, it just caught me on the wrong foot last time he was here." He could see that she didn't believe him, but what else could he have done? He had more urgent things to think about any ways, mainly what to say to Meredith when he saw her again tomorrow. Addison being upset about him calling Mark didn't really matter in the bigger picture.

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