Note to readers:
There are 13 chapters to this story, so we are nearing the end.
Part 11
Arriving at our destination was scary enough on its own. It was some kind of fortress – armed heavily – but Xena didn't hesitate. She drew out her sword as I held tightly to her, and she obliterated anyone who dared to defy her at the gate, threatening one of the men quite successfully to open it and let us in.
Once inside, men charged at her, but there was no competition. She'd slipped off of Argo before I could even realize the trouble we'd gotten ourselves into, and pushed her sword into each of them. Life or death was no issue in her conscience then. I could tell there was no thought before her kills. They were all necessary to her - all the casualties. I was terrified, watching her work. She was as vicious as anyone I had ever seen. She was worse. I held back tears for the Xena I had come to know - the one who had obviously been shut out through her desperation to find her son. The Xena that had worked so hard to find her true self was kept under house arrest while her old habits came to the surface, brimming with blood and glory. She would find our son, but I worried how she would return to me once we had him safely back in our arms.
Having fought the courtyard empty, she stood straight and ordered me: "Off" in a way that told me there was still a piece of her old self restraining her. I could see this Xena had no patience, and would have easily pulled me off of Argo just for ease's sake. My knee-length brown skirt had less give than her leathers, so I always took longer than her, but she never minded before. This Xena was reckless, and yet she'd ordered for me to do it myself. Had she known she could hurt me? That she very well might have if she hadn't cared for me like she did?
Patting Argo as coldly as I'd ever seen her do it, Xena directed the horse to go make herself scarce. What had this horse been through, I wondered. And what a strange thought it was. Had Argo known the old Xena, and come to terms with it? The horse had such wonderful instincts, and such incredible dedication. It was clear that Xena had never mistreated her. Maybe even defended her? - Xena's only companion. How sad it all was, staring up at Xena's cold expression. So focused and sure. "Inside. Let's go."
I was scared, but I did as she said. I knew she would lead us to him - to our son. I was running in behind her as she barged into a set of doors that seemed to be taunting us both. She easily slipped down a flight of stairs, but there were two more guards. I didn't know what to do with myself while she fought them off, so I slipped by along the wall until I reached the bottom of the sort of fortress where everything appeared to be made of stone. Everything but the people there, all at one woman's command, and my breath caught in my throat at what I'd walked myself into. 'This must be her - Callisto' I thought, breathing heavy with my palms opened to her. "Please ... please don't hurt him." All I wanted was my son safe in my arms.
"Take you, too?" the blond woman cackled, snapping her fingers as two men surprised me from behind to grab my arms and hold me still at the other end of the large room. I fought them, but there was no use in the matter. They were each at least double my size. Their arms were taut with muscles unnatural to mankind. I hung my head in apology as Xena ran down the stairs to see both her partner AND her son held captive. I certainly hadn't done her any favors.
When I finally looked up in the silence, I noticed that she had blood on her, but it wasn't her own. She hadn't even broken a sweat. Her eyes were simply trained on Alexander who was gagged but squirming on the giant seat he was tied to. And then her line of sight drifted over to me and my apologetic eyes trying to convey my shame at being had so easily. I had just wanted to help. I wanted to save my son, and yet the child and I were both in the same situation. My poor son - I had tried and failed. I only hoped that Xena would forgive me.
"How fun ... just like old times, isn't it, Xe-naaa."
Callisto slowly walked toward Xena, keeping her distance as she spoke again.
"Or don't you remember? ... Setting fire to my village ... Ma and Pa inside ... everyone I know ... dead. Aww, so sad, isn't it?"
Xena just stared at her. I couldn't believe she had nothing to say to that. No rebuttal? No denial? No apology, even?
In an even tone, Xena commanded: "Give me my son."
"And not your little ... plaything? Hmm?"
Alexander was still loudly squirming, so I know he had missed that last part. I didn't waste any energy squirming from the men holding me. "Xena ... just trade with her. Take Alexander and go! ... Please."
"Ohhh ... so he's HER son, hmm? ..."
Xena made no effort to respond. She just demanded once again: "Give me. My son."
It was haunting, Xena's tone. Xena still had her sword out, but it wasn't drawn as it was in battle. It was hanging comfortably as she watched her opponent carefully, reading the woman's intent as Callisto came closer - each of them turning away from Alexander and closer to me.
"You see ... I was thinking ... it might be more fun to keep them both. You know ... a family for a family." Callisto teased horribly, digging herself in deeper. "I know all about your reputation, Xe-na ..."
It was playful without reason. It was teasing with no audience. It was strange and sick, and Xena was quickly unimpressed with the woman's intentions.
"I will cut you limb from limb," Xena muttered, turning to the platinum blond at her side. The woman seemed so small in frame, as if her muscles had deflated or never grown to begin with. She looked almost sickly, but her power was in her dedicated servants. And clearly her weapon was verbal torment - she was good at getting under a person's skin. She was already getting under mine. But Xena was immune. She appeared entirely unfeeling.
"Oh, now where would the fun be in THAT? ..."
"Xena! - Just let them-" But a hand was quickly clapped over my mouth at Callisto's signal, and all of my words were muffled by thick fingers that kept my lips sealed. "MM nnmm ffmmm!" Still, I tried to talk to my love. To reason the situation into something, but I was powerless - everything restricted.
"I think she was gonna tell you not to drift into that deep, sad darkness," Callisto teased, licking her lips as I tried screaming past the hand over my mouth – didn't she see she was only making matters worse? Callisto looked to Xena and grinned, but what met her smirk surprised us both.
Xena took one step closer to Callisto, tilting her head down so that her eyes were shadowed. It took Xena a moment to speak, but as she did, I was just thankful our son was far out of earshot - even for his impeccable hearing.
"I will lose myself ... to a SEA ... of darkness ... to gain my revenge ... if you hurt them," Xena promised so easily that I trembled. Her nose flared to show the truth in her passion, but her eyes remained trained on Callisto. There was a grin tugging at her lips with the certainty of that statement, and we all could sense it as she went on: "You see ... I don't think you really ... know all that much about me ... not really." Xena held up her sword between them as she ran her finger along the flat central ridge.
Callisto tried watching with an indifferent expression as the warrior licked the end of the sword, tasting the blood she'd collected.
"I like ... the dark. And that day ... the day you met me, little girl ..." The blood was still on Xena's bottom lip, but she didn't care. She was smiling. "I was out for a stroll ... now imagine how I might greet you if I were angry ..." She ran her tongue along the face of the sword's silver face, almost hungrily taking the blood onto her tongue. And just as quickly, she spat it at Callisto, marking the other woman's leathers with her blood. "You'd like THAT ... even less. I promise you ..." Xena's voice was giving me chills. "I would DESTROY you."
The two women had stepped closely together for their little discussion, but I could sense that Callisto hadn't understood exactly what she was getting herself into. She looked to be about my age, and holding a genuine amount of anger toward Xena, but I don't think she had any idea how dangerous Xena might be with her loved ones held captive. None of us did. It scared me, too.
In a low whisper, Xena leaned so close that she could inhale Callisto's breath. "I like blood ... I wonder how yours ... tastes ..." It was said with such hatred that I had no chance to feel jealous, but I was terrified at seeing THAT Xena show herself. I had never imagined it might be so horrifying. Had she carried herself that way ever before? Ever spoken that way to another person before this? My mind was racing with questions to which I never wanted the answers.
Needless to say, Callisto took a generous step away from Xena, realizing that her presence wouldn't have quite the effect she had intended with the dark warrior. But as she turned away from Xena, she was trying to steel herself the strength to act unafraid. Even I could sense that, and I was already in a panic. I was squirming wildly as Xena took the chance to dash over toward Alexander. Quite easily, she killed both men who attempted to attack her, so she could go to our son's side. She made quick work of the ropes, even though I'm sure the knots were strongly tied. And as Alexander hopped down from the chair and pulled the gag down to his neck, Xena pulled him close, staring over at Callisto. Alexander didn't move - he wasn't sure what to do. As always, he waited for his mothers' suggestions, but I was too busy trying to pull myself free, and Xena seemed frozen in her place. And then, without warning, her eyes closed, and she forced a smile for the boy. She was whispering something to him, he nodded, and then he ran past Callisto and back up the stairs.
I screamed into the man's hand that still covered my mouth, so fearful of where Alexander had gone without us, but then I forced myself to settle down for Xena's sake. I knew I would be no help without my sanity, so I took deep breaths in through my nose. But I felt so weak.
I started to cry silent tears without my meaning to, but I couldn't feel Xena's eyes on me like they always would be in such a state. I felt without her in that supportive sense to which I'd grown accustomed. I was certain she would get me out of there alive, but a part of me worried what would happen next. I'd heard many stories of her victories, and I wasn't so certain I wanted to be her prize. It shames me to confess my uncertainty, but I really had no idea of which this other Xena was capable.
Even with my doubts and concerns, my tears were for Xena - for all the progress she'd made, and to see it all crumbling before her.
"What do you say we play a game?" Callisto suggested, not having stopped the boy because she knew Xena would have rushed her for it. Killed her. I think at that point, Callisto was trying to back herself out of the situation in the craftiest way, but she was only making the situation worse. She had figured she was the greater evil after all her years of built-up hatred. The shock of seeing Xena so much more venomous really frightened her, I think.
I don't blame her.
Xena just trained her eyes on Callisto as she twirled her bloody sword in hand, a little smirk in wait as she steadied herself for her moment of attack.
But Callisto knew she had one more token left to play, and she wasn't about to pass it over. I could tell it when she looked over at me, from my legs to my face. My eyes went wide. "She makes for ... quite an image, doesn't she?" With a smile, she looked back to Xena, who couldn't keep from glancing me over herself.
Callisto stepped up beside me even as I was trying to tug myself away from her. I was held tightly to the guards as Callisto's slender finger traced along the hem of my skirt, and my knee came up in defense - just missing Callisto's attentive face as she recoiled with laughter.
"A little fight ..." Callisto grinned, glancing back to see that Xena was still staring at me – just staring at me – with her sword in her grip. Her knuckles had gone white.
I shook my head as Xena picked her eyes up to mine, and then I forgot everything else. In that moment, I let Xena see my love for her again, and my devotion. Whatever happened, we were in it together. Even if she completely reverted to her old self, I would be there to bring her back. I always would support her, just as she would do for me in times of hardship. With my eyes, I told her I loved her, despite the monster standing before me in her place.
"So ... been travelling with her long?" Callisto teased, knowing full well we'd been together for over six years. She had done her research - I could hear it in her condescending voice.
Xena nodded, but then trained her eyes back on Callisto. "A fight. You and me."
"Why would we fight ... when this is waiting for you ...?" she taunted, reaching out to tickle my stomach as I squirmed and screamed again. She smiled back at Xena, but realized Xena wasn't smiling back at her.
"I work alone."
"Then ... take this," Callisto laughed, snapping at her guards. "A present from me to you ... a little ... a gift from an admirer ..." She'd heard Xena had changed, but when faced with the dark side of Xena, Callisto found herself enjoying the evil it represented. I was horrified at the young woman's sudden sense of glee.
Both of the men shoved me over to Xena, who grabbed my arm to keep me still. I didn't move in her grasp as Xena spoke with disbelief and anger: "And we leave ... Just like that?"
"I wouldn't dream of following you ... but somehow ... I think we'll meet again," Callisto winked.
I could sense she had something more to say, but Xena was quick to rebute: "Somehow I don't."
It all happened so quickly it's a blur to me, but by the time I dropped my eyes, Callisto was staring up at the ceiling in a pool of her own blood. The guards ran from the monster, otherwise known as Xena, and I was shaking in my spot leaned against the wall. I wanted to be sick, but it wouldn't escape me.
The horrible darkness I'd felt around us was trying to settle on me, and I wanted to shake it off. I wanted to run, but Xena needed me, and I could never leave her. I tried to rid myself of fear as I slowly picked my eyes up to meet hers. It was almost as if Xena's pupils had faded out to take over her irises completely, but I knew the blue was still present in there somewhere. Just shadowed. Xena was still the wonderful woman I knew - I just needed to pull her back to me.
Through my time with Xena, I had come to realize just how powerful an effect I had on her. So I reached out with a slow touch down in that stony hideaway, but she drew away just as quickly. She simply stared at me.
She stood frozen there for long, silent moments, and I watched her face contort with her struggles.
The looks in her eyes ranged from anger and lust to fear and caution. I wish I knew what she was thinking in that time, her eyes darting around and settling on me with such anxiety I had never seen. She was so tormented by her own confusion, and Xena was not one to be uncertain. Still, I felt she was handling it well. Whatever turmoil was bubbling through her, she was fighting it.
Still panting, I glanced around the cave-like basement at last. "Alex ... Alex - where is he?"
"He's on Argo."
I gasped so suddenly it felt like I was choking. My baby - on a horse?! When and where had he learned that? I could see that Xena wanted to answer my unspoken questions, but the subtle twitches she was exhibiting warned me that she still wasn't quite herself.
And then I understood.
"... You don't want him seeing you this way ..."
Xena looked down, and then back up at me. She was trying to shrink her shoulders in, as if that would lessen her authority or aggressive tendencies.
Who was this Xena? What was she capable of? A part of me was afraid of this Xena, but the rest of me shook that off as I met with those eyes - as distant as they were. This woman had mothered a child with me. This woman was my life. I knew her much better than she knew herself.
With great confidence, I held my right palm out to her, up-turned to show her my trust. I looked into her eyes, ignoring the bloody sight from behind her. I knew that each moment there with her was crucial.
Xena clenched her jaw, and tightened her grip just as I noticed the sword was still in her hand. And of all things, I smiled. I smiled because it dawned on me that anyone else in the world would run from this Xena. Any other person would be shaking with fear, and there I was, offering her my trust and support.
"Get outta here," she muttered, standing up to her full height as if that would challenge my tenderness.
It only made me bolder: "Why would I do that, Love?"
This Xena had never been spoken to in such a manner. She seemed to find a twisted sort of humor in my audacity to speak with her that way. Just as I wanted to tease her, I reminded myself that I was not thinking of what THIS Xena was like at all. I had cancelled out the possibility of her hurting me, but was that completely impossible? I wasn't actually sure. I only acted as though I were.
And then I noticed her shaking her head, raking her fingers through her hair as she spat at the ground. She was physically struggling, and I watched the trembles she was experiencing. I wanted to hold her, but I gave her distance as her body required.
Suddenly, she looked up at me again, and for one moment, it was as if she was back with me. But then, without any warning, she was gone again. My beautiful warrior shut her eyes and breathed out through her teeth. In dashes, I saw her. In glimpses, she just as quickly disappeared into her darker past.
"… Xena?"
She didn't answer, so I took a small step closer to her, leaving only one foot of distance between us. It was me - a bard - and the beast raging inside of my warrior. If she were to intend me any harm, I wasn't making it difficult – that was certain. But I knew that somewhere inside of her, no matter how far she had gone, and I knew then that she would keep me safe.
"Just breathe, Love ... I'm here for you."
It looked like she might cry, but she wouldn't open her eyes, so I couldn't be sure. Maybe I was just angering her. Was she trying to stop herself from lashing out at me? I listened to her slow breathing.
Finally, she spoke to me in a voice so commanding I nearly lost my balance.
"Go and find Alexander." She was looking into my eyes, and then down to my lips. As her eyes met mine once again, a chilling sensation took over me, and I nodded.
"I ... yes, I need to find him ... but promise me you won't run."
Her smile told me that THIS Xena wasn't much used to promises. Still, I wasn't scared of pushing her - I was scared FOR her.
"Xena ... please ...?" I gently brought my hands up to hold her face, and she was so thrown by the gesture that she didn't react at all. She just stared at me. "Xena ... the woman I love ... you're gonna be just fine ... you stay with me, Love. Keep strong for me in there."
She gently swatted my hands away, so I turned to leave, but then I stopped myself and looked back at that dark shadow she made standing there. She wanted so badly for me to go. I worried about her by herself, but I also wanted to respect her wishes. I had a feeling my Xena was the one pushing me away.
Unlike my beautiful partner who always stood with confidence, this old identity in her wasn't placing well, and I could see the shaking that wracked her fantastic body. At one point, they had been one - Xena and her darkness. But just then, I felt that they were two entirely different things, and I was glad for it.
I hurried up the stairs and looked around for Argo just as I heard one of Xena's infamous whistles from the basement she was containing herself within. And only a few minutes later, Argo was galloping over to me with my bold and adventurous son at the reins. It made such an image - my little boy atop a great warrior's horse. It was startling.
"Mama Elly," he called to me as he rode closer. Fear in his eyes, unhidden because he'd never learned how to do so. I was glad to hear still a childish tone to his voice. His inexperienced hands fumbled the reins as Argo took him to me.
"Alexander," I exhaled, just so glad that he'd made it safely back to me. "My boy! ... Come here."
I lifted my arms, and he slid down into them, allowing me to hold him there for only a moment before he began to squirm.
"Mama, I tried getting in again to help, but there were guards, and-"
"My Alex," I teared up, touching his delicate little cheeks. "I never want you to think you have to protect us. You're our child."
"One day I'll be a man," he said so confidently that it discouraged my fussing over him. I knew it was true, but I also knew it would happen much sooner than I was prepared for. So I put on my best smile, and then stood to my full height, knowing we should leave. I knew Xena would find us later, wherever we would go.
"Let's head East," I offered, easily hoisting myself up onto the ever-tall horse who waited so patiently for us. "Mama Xeny will find us." I leaned down and held my hand down to him out of instinct. To my surprise, he clasped my arm, and I helped him up behind me. It was difficult, even at his slender size, and just then I truly acknowledged how difficult it must have always been for Xena with me.
I knew the best place for me and my son to go was a place with other people, so that the buzzing of other voices might distract us from what we'd just experienced.
As we sat down at one eatery, I spoke with Alex about his being held captive, and it was just as I would have expected. He had certainly been scared, but he insisted he was fine as we sat there together. He liked to show Xena and I how tough he was all the time, as if he had learned the trait somewhere. He was always such a tough, masculine boy, no matter his age.
I knew that Xena would have known just what to say as we sat there with him, and I touched my forehead at that thought. What awful crises was she going through on her own? If it weren't for Alex, I would have remained to see her through it. Oh, how things had changed. I wondered how they might always be changed for us. I looked at my son as he ate just as politely as he ever did, and wrapped my arm around him.
Once again, my thoughts settled on Xena. I couldn't even have begun to imagine the places she found herself in such moods, but I wanted to know. As I ate with my son and patted his little head for comfort, I realized that I wanted to learn more about my warrior. What troubles did she still suffer?
Alex was growing sleepy as we waited there at the table for my love, but I was determined. Argo was outside - untethered, but always devoted and unleaving.
The wind was slowing. I half expected to hear Xena howling at the moon in agony as any wolf would do, but she came back to me sooner and less tortured than I had been expecting.
I was leaning onto the table with Alex asleep at my side. Ever since he had learned to walk, he always preferred to balance himself upright, so there he sat – asleep. With my eyes heavy of their own accord, I heard something even through the hustle of the room. As I tried to waken my senses, I felt a sudden and familiar hand on my shoulder. I turned to Xena and beamed, instinctively reaching my hand out to her hip for the contact.
"Cool that for tonight, will you?" Xena smiled back in the most persuasive way possible. I could tell her mind was still in a very fragile place, as tenderly as she had spoken with me. She took a seat beside me, lifting her hand as she caught the eye of the owner. She was hungry.
"Xena ... I'm sorry. I'm just ... I'm happy to see you." I could hardly contain myself at seeing her unharmed. "You're back so quickly ..."
"Couldn't leave you two alone for long," she teased as genuinely as she could. There was still something off about her, but she appeared the part of the woman I loved. All she needed was some time, and I saw that as she locked her eyes onto mine. "Just glad I didn't have to pry anyone off you ... I'm ... It's the wrong mood for that."
She would have gotten carried away with the task, I could tell.
I wanted to know where she'd been and how she'd brought herself down again, but I knew that wasn't the time for questions, so I simply watched her eat her food. But I couldn't help my stare. My Xena was coming back to me.
She was such a delicate creature, torn in so many different directions. But she had come back to me - always mine. Those eyes of hers were mine, staring at me whenever they could. However, they were looking a little too intently as we'd left the eatery and set out to find a place to sleep. She'd asked not to stay at an inn for reasons I could realize for myself. She'd spent time with women inside on nights like that before, and she didn't want to tempt herself with me. She was in the wrong mood for that, too.
I was carrying Alex in my arms as I tried not to smile at the focus I could feel gathering on my backside. It was all she was focused on each time I glanced over my shoulder, so I turned quickly back to her - surprised that she didn't even make the effort to look away.
"Xena ... Xena!" I started with a whisper, forcing her eyes up to mine with the redirection. "Up on the horse; you ride."
I was helping not to tempt her, and I knew she understood because she groaned, but did as I asked.
She rode ahead of me and our little boy, leading the way. I was just so glad to hold him then, my little Alex. The boy who I'd taken safely back into my arms. My precious child.
Trotting ahead of us, I could see there was still too much of that old, darkened warrior still inside of Xena. I could see it in the way she rode and the way she carried herself. It may have been subtle to anyone else, but my Xena rode so beautifully - one WITH her horse. This Xena was riding ON her horse, never allowing the slow trot to displace her stiff form.
As she stopped for me one of many times, I caught up while she spoke down to me. "You sure you can't ride up here with me ...?" Her voice was so hopeful it was difficult to keep a straight face.
"Xena ... where would I put Alex?"
Oh, did she ever want me. I hadn't felt that sincere desperation since we first met. The tension was so thick that it worried me, because I wanted to give in to it. However she wanted me, I wanted to give myself to her. But I knew better. And the child in my arms was my reminder: one of us needed to keep our sanity. I realized that a night with this Xena might be more than I had bargained for, even if my Xena was in there somewhere. I hated that it excited me, but it did. I pictured it subconsciously, always trying to rid myself of the images we could create.
I think Alex saved us both from ourselves that night, limp in his own little bedroll as we looked down at our wonderful son. I kneeled down beside him at our perfect spot for the night, and kissed the top of his head. Xena just looked down at him, her hand on my shoulder.
We were safely anonymous to the world, so I could relax on my bedroll as the moon stared down at me. Of course, complete relaxation was far off when I could feel Xena wanting me from just an arm's reach away. I tried, but sleep wasn't coming easily. Especially with the gentle, constant tugging on my skirt. I smirked to myself - lying on my side with my back to Xena - and swatted her hand away. I slapped it away twice more after that before she caught my wrist in her hand, and pinned my arm behind my back. Pinning my chest to the ground with the effort.
I have to say, I wasn't expecting that.
I wanted to speak to her, but I didn't know what to say with Alex present only a sword's length away. I think Xena had the same idea, even subconsciously, because the next thing I remember was Xena pulling me up to stumble against her. She was pulling me along quite roughly by my top, and I hadn't changed into my white sleeping shift, because I found no use in tormenting the poor woman who had always found me quite appealing in it. So there I stumbled – Xena's fist filled with the material and laces of my top.
Still, she couldn't restrain herself, it seemed. As we walked a considerable distance away from the comfort of our firs and the earshot of our son, I began to tug against her hold on me. I wanted to show her that I didn't condone that behaviour. Xena was so much better than that - handling me like a rag doll to force me along. That certainly wasn't MY Xena, and she wouldn't have taken kindly to anyone handling me that way either. My Xena knew all she had to do was ask.
"Stop it," I whispered as she quickly grabbed my wrist again, and held it to the center of my back. And with Xena's grip, there was no squirming away. Still, I was upset with her. "Xena ... let me go. Let go of me!" I knew I had the authority to demand from her still, and it showed because she finally let me go.
I turned to her, surprised with what I saw. Those eyes were dark again.
I slowly lifted my hand to her face, and she didn't stop me that time. "Xena ... you don't need this." She didn't need to take me for sport, and she didn't have the right. And we both knew that would do nothing for our relationship. It needed to be my Xena holding me. Taking me, even. It needed to be with the Xena I trusted, not the monster inside of her.
She said nothing, but she was listening very closely to me.
My fingers grazed the roughness on her cheeks from the wind. How long had she been running against it that night, I wondered. Her eyes were so perceptive it was as if they were looking right into me. I looked right back and spoke sincerely with her.
"I don't know how to break you free from this ... but I will never ... ever ... give up on you."
She shivered for a moment, and then tenderly brushed the back of her finger down my arm. Dropping her hand to keep her attention on my eyes.
"And I'm here if you wanna talk ... as I'm sure you recall ... I'm a great listener."
"I ... don't know either." Such honesty she spoke. She sounded afraid of the situation we'd found ourselves in. "I used to fight that urge off with vices ... but ... I can't ..." It felt like she was asking me, and I held her hands in mine.
"No, you're right," I whispered back certainly, guiding her with my voice. "You can't."
"That's ... not me anymore."
"It's not you. Not anymore."
And just like that, we found something that worked for us. She began making statements she knew I would make if I'd given her time, and she listened for me to affirm all that she was saying. It helped for her to say the words herself, and to hear me accept them as truth. We spoke her out of her spell that night, her hands in mine, and then her face, and then her entire body. At one point, she lifted me in her arms just to have me close as she whispered over my shoulder: "I can let go of this feeling."
And I was crying silently in return: "You can let go, Love. I'll be here to protect you."
Her hand raked through my hair as her other kept me snug to her abdomen. "But I'll never let YOU go."
"You never could," I breathed with laughter, holding her back just as tight. "I would follow you ... wherever you would go. I would find you ... I would kiss you and tell you that I would fix it for you."
Her nose was nudging at my ear, so I pulled back to meet my lips with hers. I wrapped my legs tightly around her, and kissed her like we were the only two people alive. In a sense, I felt that we were. We were so alive in each other's arms that anything seemed possible. I was certain I could have accomplished anything in her arms. I still hold to that.
"It's ... it's getting light out again," she mumbled between kisses, finally letting me down to my feet just to lay me on my back. She was pinning my wrists to the ground, but she was soft about her strength. My breasts felt restricted under my shirt. I wanted her to undress me.
Just as she planted her leg between mine, she leaned over me, allowing me to gather the friction just where I desired it. I called her closer to me, watching her shift her attention far off.
"We ... wait ... we can't."
I followed her line of vision, and suddenly had an idea. I whispered my thought: "Aphrodite!"
"Don't make me remind you who owns this ... this body," she moaned teasingly, sending me shivers of my own. But I gently put my hand over her mouth.
"No ... no, but she's so good with him ... and he's safe with her."
Xena evilly pulled me onto her again, and I had to hold back the whimper threatening to escape. That little grin on her lips was making me wet with anticipation.
"Oh ... so now that YOU'RE the one excited ..."
"Yes! ... Yes, I'm weak. I give in," I whispered, smiling up at her so graciously. "I'm not as disciplined as you, Love."
"You're about to be."
I just about lost my mind when she spoke that. I wanted her to discipline me, and those thoughts were quite foreign to me at the time. The desire was thick and I was desperate to feel her hands on me. Those strong, rough hands.
"Just don't think I'm letting you up to call your little friend down from her leisure."
Xena always did hold a little grudge against Aphrodite because my love always insisted that Aphrodite was after my heart. And my body, of course. She usually just spoke shortly with the goddess for a moment here or there to convey her disapproval, but I knew what she intended to do just then. She wasn't getting off of me for image's sake. There would be no mistaking what we were about to do. Or who shook my body with pleasure.
Of course, that little scene proved to her that Aphrodite had never been after my heart at all, but she sure had fun pushing boundaries as the goddess was called down to us.
"Aphrodite, Goddess of Love," I had whispered, chuckling as Xena's hand found its way over my mouth. As her other hand kept my wrists pinned.
Aphrodite had looked after Alex before, so she wasn't surprised we had the favor to ask. What did surprise her, however, was the state in which she found us.
I was trying not to laugh into Xena's hand as she kept me pinned to the ground.
Aphrodite had both hands on her hips. "You called me for this?" Although her tone of voice conveyed the notion that she wasn't all that put off.
I had to laugh then, trying to keep myself quiet as I finally struggled free from Xena's hand only to be turned onto my front by those forceful arms.
"Aphrodite, we nee-" But I was silenced as Xena's hand closed over my mouth again. Her thighs straddled mine, and her chest pressed onto my back.
"We need you to look after Alex for us," Xena whispered, as I couldn't speak for myself. But as she looked up to Aphrodite, the goddess was not staring at me. She was looking over to our son nonchalantly, letting out a little smile.
"I hardly ever get to see the little monster anymore," she cooed. "And ... it's pretty clear you two are occupied ... Maybe I could ... take him shopping in this safe little market I found? It's so safe! I just ... think the boy needs a little 'Dite time!"
Usually, Xena hated to think Aphrodite was going to spoil our boy crazy, but she agreed to it then, with me trapped beneath her. I don't think there was much Aphrodite could have done to talk Xena off of me then, and I believe the goddess knew that as well. She was a smart woman, as much as Xena protested my claims at times.
"Wee!" Aphrodite clapped, sending another glance our way as she'd turned to get Alex. "And uh ... just no rough stuff. You wouldn't wanna hurt her."
Xena held me a little tighter. "She won't break." I had such pride Xena felt that way over me, but we were both surprised when Aphrodite corrected the assumption with a sassy grin.
"I was talking to Gabrielle."
Xena wasn't too pleased with the tease, but her hands were busy, so she ignored Aphrodite to whisper down into my ear. "You'll pay for that comment ..."
We both knew I hadn't said it or even suggested it, but I quite enjoyed her taunting. I didn't deny it, either.
Xena was licking my neck when Aphrodite snapped her fingers from far off, and then it was just the two of us. Alex would wake up with her, given Aphrodite's innocent excuse for their shopping trip, and protected from the truth.
It had been difficult when he'd been a baby, to allow myself to want Xena at all, but as Alex grew into a boy, things changed for me. I realized more and more that even as parents, Xena and I were still lovers, and that there was no shame in that.
There on our own, Xena kept her position with her chest to my back as her hands moved to untie the braid woven over my bangs. I liked to keep it braided because it kept my hair untangled and out of my eyes for the most part, but I had a feeling that there under Xena, she wanted me to look a mess. I didn't fight those rough but slender fingers in my hair. In fact, I would have helped her if I had the power to do so. But she had me so weak and wanting.
She had laid over me that way before in the comfort of our little cabin, but it had never felt so vulgar. I had no idea what she planned to do to me, but I knew it would be good. It would be different and a new brand of sex than that of which we were accustomed.
Did Xena ever deliver on my expectations.
"All I could think about ... while I was away from you ..." she began while I moaned at the fingers sweeping their way up, between my closed legs. She was still straddling me, keeping my knees together. I fought to separate them, and she moaned at that.
"Was this ... using this on you."
I gasped when I felt something very unfamiliar land over my thighs. It felt smooth but cold, and I immediately reached my hands back out of curiosity. Immediately, they were slapped away just as I'd slapped hers away from me only hours before.
"I want you to put it in your mouth."
Mmm, since our companionship had grown with time, we'd become quite honest with each other in the heat of the moment, and I never could deny her quiet but firm requests. And I knew that if she had bought a phallic toy for us to play with, it was about to get very interesting.
"Xena ... I wanna see it ..."
And suddenly, there it was before me. Almost touching my lips. When had she bought it? I wondered, staring at the instrument we'd only ever discussed before.
"What's that ... hanging off it?" I wondered aloud, breathless at the idea.
Of course, she hadn't told me you could wear them. She intended on surprising me. That terrible, incredible woman of mine.
In answer, she stood from her spot on top of me, and stepped into my view with the contraption to tie the leather at her hips. I stared wide-eyed at the sight she made, standing there in front of me, as tall as I could imagine.
"You know how I ... like to see you ... put my fingers ..." she started.
"In my mouth?" Oh, I had some audacity when I knew she was nervous. I could tease her back with just as much torment and desire. "You want me to put that in my mouth, Xena ...?"
Her eyes were hooded as she stared at me while I brought myself to my knees. I knew she wanted me in that position because she had asked me to lick her that way a number of times, and she'd been shaking for me then. I still wasn't prepared for the look on her face when I sat back on my heels. The look in her eyes made me crazy, but I tried to keep my teasing attitude. She was such an easy target - so swayed by any single phrase or look from me.
Her leathers were still on over the toy that settled at level with her hips, and the pleats fell nicely aside the dark - wood, was it? But it had something on it, keeping it smooth and safe to use inside of me, just as she was always careful with her fingers. I wanted to lick the toy. I wanted her to see me lick it. I so loved to have her watch me do as she desired. Her stare could always push me over the edge with its intensity.
"How do I do it?" I asked, holding back my smirk. I had learned over the years just how excited Xena became when I played naive to what she wanted from me. Especially when I looked up at her with feigned innocence. She knew I wanted to play, but I think it was all too much for her - everything at once. To have me so willing, on my knees. Thinking back, I can't believe the nerve I had to tease her so badly after the episode she'd had just hours ago. Somehow, magically, I read her limits and I knew I was just teetering on the edge with her. My hands excitedly placed on my thighs. "Do you want me to crawl ...?"
Xena's nostrils flared as she stared openly at me, finally stepping over to try and take control of the situation. Of me.
"I want you to lick it," she panted, raking her hand through my bangs. Biting her lower lip. "Use your tongue so I can see it ... don't put it in your mouth until I tell you to ..."
I can't believe how much it teased me just to have her withhold that from me. I really wanted to suck on it, seeing it attached to her hips that way. The imagery was making me wild with desire. I wanted to know what it felt like in my mouth, but I kept to my silent agreement, and just ran my tongue over it as she watched. It was so powerful, to keep eye contact while I was doing what she asked. I could smell her arousal from where I sat, and I had to close my eyes to restrain myself from touching her.
"In your mouth," she rasped at last, her jaw dropping open as she took in the sight.
I gladly opened my lips to take the toy into my mouth, and suddenly it felt so big. It was about twice the length of Xena's fingers, so I couldn't take in all of it, but I enjoyed what I was given. And the thickness of it was perfect, I found. It would be tight, but it would fit inside of me quite nicely. I licked with more enthusiasm as I thought of how she would take me with it.
How had we so quickly forgotten our troubles? It was easy with the lust I felt for Xena.
Without a word, she tugged at my hair to pull the toy out of my mouth, claiming it with hers as she leaned down to me. And as we shifted around, she laid me on my back to climb on top of me. My legs spread so easily it felt dirty, and I shivered again. She grabbed me closer, and I tugged at her shoulders.
Being so wet myself, and the toy wetted by my lips, it slid in with such ease that Xena had to hold back. The toy was big, and she didn't want to hurt me.
That feeling it gave me was different than Xena's fingers. I couldn't wrap my head around the sensation - all I could do was enjoy it, as unusual as it was. With Xena's motion, I tore at the grass at my sides, and let out one heavy moan after another as she worked the toy inside of me. Pulling out, and then right back in.
After having given birth to our son, I wasn't as tight as I'd always been before, so I knew the girth of that toy would be tight for Xena just as it was with me. Possibly tighter. And that thought gave me such excitement I couldn't help myself from blurting it out.
"I want to- … have you too ..." I panted, gasping with the depth of her thrusts.
She chuckled into my ear, and slowly kept moving it in and out of me. "Give it some time, Love ... I haven't taken YOU yet ..."
I failed at laughter because of that exquisite sensation, clinging onto her. "You're taking me now ..." I whispered, naive to what she meant.
Thankfully, she caught me up later as she was more forceful about it, given my pleas with her to do so. She was roughly slapping her thighs onto mine, pulling at me, ridding me of my clothes in the most creative of ways. Turning me over.
She surprised me while she straddled the backs of my thighs, teasing the toy inside of me. I was silenced with that feeling. She had touched me that way on occasion - directly from behind – but it somehow felt different. Now she was teasing me with the position, and I was so excitable that for once, I really craved for her to do it. As crude and awful as it seemed, that was my attraction to it. I could understand her liking for it, because I wanted it, too. And I wanted to have HER that way.
I'd never done it like that before, touching Xena from behind. So many thoughts whirled through my head as she kept on tormenting me. She was touching the toy between my legs just to withdraw again.
"Please!" I finally begged her, getting up onto my hands and knees. I don't know why I did it that way, but it felt so good to do it. I could feel how badly she wanted me right then, and I didn't intend on teasing. I wriggled my body to entice her, and before I could take another breath, she was holding my hips and pushing the toy as deeply as it would reach inside of me. I screamed out, flattening my arms out on the ground. I found the angle quite pleasurable so I didn't move, but then I realized just how vulnerable I was that way. Was this what she had wanted? I had to wonder. She knew how weak I could be in the heat of the moment.
The words "fuck me" seemed unnecessary in that moment, as much as I was tempted to use them. There I was - my shoulders to the ground, my backside offered up to her - giving her anything she would take. And as she grabbed my hips and became more forceful with me, I came. I came so hard I was actually astonished at the power that position had over me. I was so open to her that I couldn't seem to help myself, even as she leaned completely over me, and spanked me. Thrusting very slowly with her hips, she whispered into my ear: "Came a little fast … where's the fun in that?"
Of course, she enjoyed that. She was teasing me. Still, I had nothing to say in return. The soft sting of her hand on me had me speechless. I froze, wanting more.
"Now let me enjoy this moment," she emphasized, pushing into me as I moaned with such desperation, I think I surprised us both with the sound. "If you're done so easily again, I might have to spank you more often," she teased, massaging her hands down my back. The slow rhythm was sending me to another climax, but I didn't want to hold it back. In fact, it felt so perfect that I came all over again. At her mercy.
I couldn't believe how excited I was to be handed the toy at last, just gaining my breath back as Xena teasingly instructed me on how to wear it. I felt power surge through me with that thing on, and I began to understand why men carried themselves the way they did. It gave me a new sort of balance to my slight form. Of course, I don't think I understood the balance exactly as men aren't equipped with breasts as well.
The first thing I did with the leather tied to my hips - the rest of me naked - was touch the toy. Stroking, Xena would call it. And when I looked down at my beautiful warrior with her elbows propping her up, I enjoyed that stare. I felt so bold.
"Has anyone taken you with one of these before?"
She was staring at the toy unblinkingly. "Not as they wore it."
It was easy to see the things Xena most enjoyed, because she was always so obvious about it. And why should she hide it, she would say. I am so thankful to have learned from her healthy, honest attitude toward sex. She taught me to like whatever felt best, and to ignore everything else. But just then, I was still working on it.
"Tell me you love me," I said just as plainly as that. I stepped closer to her as she repeated the phrase blindly, crawling backwards. I could see her hesitance and vulnerability then, so I didn't move any further.
I smiled at her beauty and seductive passion, connecting with her on a gentler level. "Xena." Finally, I had her eyes on mine. "Tell me. Tell me you love me."
That time she was sincere and focused, training her eyes into my soul, just the way I liked. "I love you, Gabrielle."
"And I love you," I whispered as an idea struck in me. I backed over to a giant tree, and sat against it, finding a nice, soft spot for comfort. I crossed my ankles and patted my thighs.
Her jaw dropped.
"What? Come here."
I'm sure she wasn't used to such command, but seeing that expression on her face had given me the audacity. I knew she was all mine. And I was going to enjoy myself.
I could smell her again as she got up and walked over to me, staring down into my lap. She knew what I wanted and she wanted it too, so I relaxed and waited for her to do what I said. It amazed me, just how shocked she was to hear me say it that way. 'Come here': It certainly had its connotations.
When she was on her knees, straddling my crossed ankles, I curled my finger in to gesture her forward. Maybe she had never been lured quite like that before, I guessed. I'd been right.
"You're not gonna move?" she smiled at last, inching her way closer - both eyes on the toy snug to my groin. It was exciting me all over again to see her staring at me that way. I don't think it was evident even to her, but I could hear the insecurity in her voice. I spoke to assure her I wouldn't advance. Not so quickly, anyway.
"No ... I wanna see you riding me first."
Instead of more shock, she responded with a tease: "Don't I always ride you ...?"
"Careful," I moaned, taking in the sight as she realized my intentions. She beautifully lowered herself onto the toy. Slowly.
In all honesty, I was scared to hurt her with it, but as I watched her sit onto the toy, I realized just how pleasurable it was for her. And I could tell it had been a long while since she'd felt it quite like that. Suddenly I wanted more, so I started to gently move my hips up to encourage her.
When she threw her head back and let the sounds roll from the back of her throat, I spread my legs and bent them to support her back as my hands moved to her hips.
One moment I was helping her bounce on top of me, and the next moment I was on my knees, holding her chest flush to mine while I leaned close. I know my strength could often surprise her, because I practiced often with my staff all those years as meditation, and I enjoyed keeping fit. However, I was a little better at hiding my strength than she ever was. Not that she tried.
"Gab- ... Gab-ri-elle ..." she whimpered, holding tightly to me as I finally laid her fully on her back and tensed my mid-section. My abdomen was quite impressive, I knew, and I could use it to my advantage during such moments. I steeled myself for a work out, bracing my hands on either side of her beautiful face, spreading my knees for support.
The moment I started really moving my hips to please her, she was screaming as loudly as she ever had. Those sounds - I had never heard anything quite like that from her - and I longed to hear them again. She looked so entirely feminine there underneath me, with her hair splayed over the grass, and her soft curvature luring me in.
If I hadn't known her very well, I might have worried I was hurting her then too, but with that unstable inhale and the desperate panting breaths, I could hear her desire as clearly as my heart was beating in my ears. Her hands were on me, drawing me even closer. Her expression was one of ecstasy – it was saying 'Don't stop, Gabrielle. I need you - keep going.'
As she came loudly in my ear the first time, I slowed my pace just to be certain that she was still excited. And then I went at it all over again, keeping my chest pressed to hers that time as my hips drove her to desperation again.
She came twice more as I was taking her there: once in that same position, and one as she was turned slightly onto her side with her ankle held up over my shoulder. Each curious pleasure was a new discovery, and every moment made me glad that we'd shared it together. I knew that she was surprised at what I'd done to her, and I couldn't stop smiling because of it. I had rendered the world's most famous woman warrior completely exhausted. Me - Gabrielle.
As she laid on her front with limbs fallen quite carelessly on the grass, I began to see myself as a different woman for the new experience, lying next to her on my back. I could give it to my beautiful Xena with the best of 'em, so the saying goes. I was competent and I knew she would want me again for my technique, and not just because she loved me.
That was a very satisfying thought to have - only solidified by the grin she gave me in return when she picked up her head at last.
"What … was that? ..."
Her hand came to me, falling flat on my bare stomach just to slide off, gathering the thick, hot sweat that covered my body. I could only smile at her surprise. "Good ... wasn't it?"
She loved when I smiled at her like that - I know. I always knew it, and that's why I did it. My nose scrunched up a bit, and she could see just a sliver of my front teeth. She thought it was cute, although in that moment, she wasn't watching my smile. She could sense it even with her eyes closed.
"Let's uh ... let's ... do that again ... sometime."
I brought my hand down to the toy still fastened around my hips, proud of the confidence I'd had and the strength I'd shown to my partner. We laid quietly, still euphoric from the climaxes we'd shared.
The moment made me smile: "... Let's."
