Chapter 10.
I woke the next morning feeling much better physically, mentally was a whole other issue. Eir visited with me, checking me over and smiling as she worked. She eventually gave me clearance to return to my normal routine, which was a relief because I wanted to be the one taking care of Aulder. I was his mother, and he needed me more than Aimee or Kyla, not that they were not very good at what they did. The two women singing him songs and tickling his cheeks, cleaning him and letting him feed as much as he wanted as I rested. I watched them when I was awake, smiling weakly from my bed and wishing it was me who was playing with him.
Loki did not try to return again after the one time, and I did not really expect him to. Sif and Fandral took turns keeping watch at the door, and I actually started enjoying Fandral's company. I surprised myself by laughing with Sif at his stories, and he was wonderful as well with Aulder. Playing with him and making silly noises to make him respond. Aimee would be a happy mother with him someday, she looked impressed herself at his knowledge.
I bathed and dressed slowly, a Paige delivering a message from Loki while I ate my breakfast alone. He was demanding that I dine with him that night in his chambers, the letter made me nervous and I paced a bit in thought. I did not want to outright tell him no, but I did not want him to think I was eager to be yelled at again. I told the boy that I would consider his invitation, sending him off to deliver my reply.
I carefully combed my long hair out, finishing dressing in a neat, black silk dress, no outlandish embroidery or ornament to detract from what I was. Just a plain black dress, the mark of a woman mourning a loss. When Thor arrived after I finished, his face sad at my choice of color and sighing. I slipped the locket under my collar, hiding that I still missed Loki.
"Black makes you look too pale Lady." Thor said and I nodded at him.
"People on Earth say the color is slimming." I said, the long sleeves and high collar looking flattering, I chose no other jewelry, and endured Aimee helping me to pin my hair up and out of my face. The only other decoration on me was my gold and amethyst wedding band, and the hidden locket.
"You are thin enough, and the color is not flattering for a woman in joy of becoming a mother. I do not understand your choice, but it is yours and I will accept it Sister. I am glad to see you well again, we miss seeing you and I was worried for you. Loki as well." Thor said and I smiled at him. The infant fussed and I picked up Aulder and cradled him in my arms, he at least would be loved by me.
"You tried Thor, don't bother. He has not even come to see Aulder, and that hurts the most. I can accept it though, I'm kind of that person everyone replaces after a while. I still have a baby to worry about more, and he needs me." I said and Thor frowned at me. He looked at the baby and found joy in the child, his smile returning. I lay Aulder in the cradle, sitting next to it and rocking it gently.
"Will you allow him to see you today?" Thor asked me and I thought about it. I did want to see him, maybe have a civil conversation with Loki. I was not sure if he would even try to see us though, his stubbornness being one of his worst traits. My head was so confused, and my guy wanted me to just stay locked away with my child.
"I will, I can't keep him from Aulder. He has rights to his son, I shouldn't stand in the way of that. It would be wrong to even try." I said and Thor agreed, he gave me a hug and I laughed a bit as my toes left the ground in one of his famous embraces. I was at least loved by someone here, and that was all that mattered. He held on longer than normal though, probably hating to see me so depressed and wearing black.
"You are a good woman Lady, Loki is a fool to not see this. I have some more gifts for you, do not protest. Think of them as a celebration of your child, I will send them later for you to see. I must take my leave however, my duties are many and I cannot be distracted for long." Thor said and I nodded, returning to my seat next to the cradle and picking up my book. I waved goodbye to Thor and watched him leave, feeling bad for him with all that was going on.
Eventually Aimee and Kyla left as well, giving me peace and quiet to read and watch over Aulder.
I sat reading and enjoying the quiet for most of the morning, after a while I started getting antsy and feeling cooped up. I wanted to go out and see the sun, maybe take in the gardens and feel the wind on my face. I set my book aside and sent a Paige to find Kyla, telling him that I wanted to walk in the gardens for an hour. He bowed and ran along the halls to get her, pausing and looking sadly at my dress. I was going to have to get used to the sad glances, maybe I would just be ignored by more if I pretended to be a shadow.
I closed the door and fed Aulder while I waited for Kyla, it would not have been right in my mind to leave her with a fussy baby. I only wanted to be gone an hour at the most, but I also did not want him to get hungry while I was away. I also assumed that Loki was not coming, he most likely would have been there by now and gone if he were. I was still debating the invitation to eat with him as well, what if it all just turned into another fight? What if we just argued and the wedge between us ended up deeper? I did tell the messenger that I would consider it, that should keep him happy for a while at least. Kyla arrived, smiling at me as I fastened my dress again, hiding the locket under my clothes. She took the content baby from me and smiled at the little boy, she lay him down in the cradle and sat next to it.
"I am just wanting a walk, maybe an hour at the most. If Loki comes, please don't tell him anything about me. Let him see Aulder, and don't rush him off. He is his son too." I said, covering my hair with a black and gold embroidered wrap. Kyla nodded and carefully arranged his blanket, rocking the cradle and soothing the baby.
"Yes Lady, you are being more than fair to him." She said and I smiled at her, her own look giving away that she did not want him alone with her. I walked out the door and down the halls, everyone noticing my dress as I passed them. One woman gasped in shock and openly stared, I ignored her and walked on. It was my choice what color to wear, and I was not about to let anyone scold me for it. I may also have too been excited for fresh air and sunshine, to really care what anyone thought. I walked through an archway and out to the courtyard, turning down the flagstone path to the gardens. Walking and ignoring the Guards and other people I passed, admiring a bird singing in a tree over my head.
I turned into the gardens, pulling the shawl off my head and draping it across my shoulders. It was such a nice day and all was in bloom, all the colors and flowers perfuming the air. I passed a few more people and smiled at them, they looked at my dress and averted their eyes. Everything about me told them all they needed to know, and I did not have to admit that I was cast off. To myself though, I was free and willing to take back my life. I found myself feeling strangely liberated by all this, a sense of strength coming from knowing that I could be master of my own life. I could leave Asgard if I wanted, strive out on my own and take care of my son. The sad reminder of my being hunted driving me back into reality, slapping all my hopes away and keeping me a prisoner in my own body.
I did stop at the bench Loki and I used to occupy and talk when we walked together, I really did not know what I was expecting to find under that cherry tree. Maybe I was looking for him, maybe I was hoping to see the ghost of what we once were. I can say that it was not upsetting to find it empty though, maybe another couple would make it theirs one day. They could sit under it and laugh, sharing stories and stealing kisses. But for now, it could be occupied by a small woman in a black dress. Letting her remember whispers of moments long gone, and somehow forgotten. I sat in the center of the stone bench, watching the clouds drift by above me when a shadow crossed over me.
I turned in my seat, looking over my shoulder and half expecting it to be Loki but saw Eloynne. She looked nice in the rose colored dress and I blinked at her in disappointment, she studied my dress in return and let out a long breath.
"Thank you for saving my son. I owe you that much, despite the gossip you spread." I said and moved over for her to sit, she took the invitation and sat next to me. Her hands shaking, and something very wrong with her as she thought.
"They call me the Ghost that Haunts the castle, but you are the one wearing black. I came to try and be a friend, and to tell you something very important and dire. Something that could risk my life by saying it to anyone outside of my Chamber walls." she said to me, her voice shaking as she spoke. She looked genuinely scared and I was almost afraid to know what it was, fearing that I was usurped by this bone thin woman.
"He did, didn't he?" I asked her, fighting tears and she shook her head.
"No, Honestly. Loki rejected my advances, saying that his bed only had room for one other. I need you to believe me, because my father is planning something awful." She said, I sighed in relief at the knowledge that she had been rejected but feeling like an even bigger idiot now. There was still hope for Loki and I, and I leaned forward into my hands. She rolled up her sleeve then, showing my the bruises on her arm and I stared at them with pity and horror. I put my hand on her arm and she flinched, some of the marks fresh and she was obviously in pain because of them.
"Raithbourne beats you?" I said, not hiding my shock.
"He starves me as well, that is why I am so thin. I should never have told you this, I will be punished for it." She confessed, I used some of my gifts to heal her and she watched the purple marks fade from her skin. I could not do anything for the starvation, but I could still offer her food.
"This is not right Eloynne, you need to tell Thor what is going on. Maybe he can do something, get you out of there at least." I said and she shook her head, her face sadder as she looked at me.
"I can't, telling anyone, even Thor could end badly for me, you must understand. May I speak to you tonight? In your chambers? It is very important and my father has people everywhere, I cannot speak freely here." she said to me. I immediately nodded at her, showing her that I would listen.
"Yes, you can. Loki wants me to eat with him tonight, but I can blow him off. I'm tired of fighting with him and, well you are scared." I said. She looked at me and smiled her hands closing over mine.
"No. Dine with him. I will sneak to your chambers later this evening, you need to speak with him. Pretend that we are still fighting in public view though, it may keep both you and he safe from my father." She said and I blinked at her, not fully understanding what she wanted.
"All right, but he is not starving you now is he?" I asked her and she nodded, fighting tears. I stopped her and hugged her, trying to offer comfort. We were thankfully alone in this part of the garden, and I did not want her to be afraid anymore.
"Why are you being so kind to me? After all that I have done." She asked me and I used my wrap to clean her face.
"Because I know what it is like to have your father hate you so much, that he wants you dead. I will have Aimee leave food for you. If I am not there, eat as much as you want. I will do my best to get out of there and back to see you." I told her and she hugged me again.
"Thank you for believing me. But, what if he wants you to stay?" Eloynne asked me and I smiled at her.
"Convent stomach upset is convent." I said and she laughed at me. She handed me back the wrap and I held her hand in mine, offering her some last semblance of solace.
"I am sorry for everything, I was terrible. I hope that this redeems me tonight in your eyes, for now I must pretend to hate you." She said and I laughed at her as she stood over me.
"I understand." I said and she walked away, glaring back at me in disgust. I grinned at her, standing up myself and walking the opposite way from her. I walked back into the castle, lowering my eyes as I passed people and trying to hide that I was thinking about Eloynne and her plight.
She and I shared something in common, and that scared me more than anything. I always thought women were more respected here, that children were celebrated and not abused. I was so wrong, Eloynne was proof of my error, I had seen men ostracized for being wife beaters but Raithbourne was getting away with it. Under Odin's nose nonethe less, and I was now witness to it. Something had to be done, and if I had no one to help me in it I would do it myself. I decided that I would help her in any way I could, even if it meant pissing off her father and Loki. I couldn't stand by and let her continue to be tortured by him, eventually it would kill her or worse.
I was so lost in my thoughts, planning out how I would tell Eloynne about my past and how my father treated me, that I nearly walked into Loki as he left the Library. I jumped and braced against a pillar, shaking a bit in surprise. His eyes scanned me as I stepped away from the pillar and picked up a dropped book, he took it from me and picked up the other books he dropped as he regarded my clothes.
"Sorry, I didn't see you. I was thinking." I said and he snorted at me.
"Black is not a flattering color for you, and I hope you are not thinking of a way to reject my invitation to dine." Loki said, standing and looking at me with some semblance of sadness in his eyes. I stepped to the side of the hall so he could pass, shaking my head. I could not tell him about Eloynne yet, he would not understand.
"No, I was actually thinking of what I should wear to dinner with you. I was going to send my acceptance through a Paige though, I guess this makes it easier." I said and he nodded back at me, he shifted his books and looked at me, studying my reaction. He could always see through my lies, I was just terrible at lying.
"I shall see you this evening then. You are not cast off or mourning a death, wear a different color." Loki said, beginning to walk away.
"Aulder is doing very well. You are welcome to see him if you want to." I blurted out, Loki stopped and turned. He pressed his lips together and looked at me, a sad smile as he thought.
"I saw him before the Library, I am grateful you allowed it." He said, turning and leaving. I let out a tense breath, leaning against the wall and shaking. The entire encounter went better than I thought, maybe dinner would not be so bad after all and we could fix everything. It gave me a bit of hope, and I actually found myself wanting to eat with him. I calmed myself and continued on my way, I was happy he bought the lie but was equally depressed that I had to. I hurried through the halls, nearly running through the doors of my rooms as I approached them. Kyla stood over the cradle, she had just put the baby back down and I smiled at the both of them.
"He is well Lady, I just cleaned him. Loki came to see him and inquired about you. I told him nothing as you instructed." She said and I nodded, walking toward her and grabbing her hand.
"I need you and Aimee tonight, and I have a few more instructions as well. Please keep everything a secret, do not gossip to other maids, but follow them carefully." I said, Kyla holding my hands and listening to everything I told her about my walk.
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I left my rooms a little later than I expected, a fresh black dress on and my hair pinned up. I still had the locket on under my clothes, and my ring on. I wore no other jewelry though, I was keeping myself plain. The statement I wanted to make, very loud and clear even to someone I wanted close to me. I refused to let him dictate what I could wear though, I was going to fight for every inch I could get and he knew it. It was my life ultimately, and he had to understand that I had rights to my person. He had to comprehend that if we were to truly work, I was stubborn and he even more so.
I walked to Loki's rooms, my heart pounding in my chest as I scratched nervously at the back of my hand. I could not stay with him tonight, and was afraid that we would be further strained if I rejected him. I also could not tell him about Eloynne, at least not until I was sure what was going on. Why the fuck did life have to be so damn difficult at times?
I reached his door eventually and was struck with another dilemma, Should I knock or just enter? If I just walked in, I could be seen as being pushy, knocking was the best route but had it's own consequences. I put my hand up and tapped the door, receiving no response. I knocked again but harder and returned to scratching my hand, waiting for a response. The door jerked open, making me jump and I froze like a deer in headlights. Loki looked at me briefly and nodded, moving to the side to let me in.
"I nearly thought you were not coming, still in black I see." He said to me and followed me. The table was set with two places and the fire was high, all the windows cracked for my claustrophobia. The gesture small, but still appreciated.
"Aulder was fussy, it took me longer than normal to make him comfortable. I like black, they say it is slimming on Earth." I said, lying to him again. He studied me briefly and gestured toward the table, indicating that he was making me go through with dinner.
"Always the devoted mother, I should celebrate that." He snapped and I sat down in one of the high backed chairs, he took the seat across from me, filling my plate and putting it back in front of me. I scratched at my hand and he noticed, I stopped before he could say anything and picked up my fork. If I could survive my father, several attempts to kill me, and push an eight pound baby into the universe, I could do this.
"Sometimes children are the only joy women have." I said, hating myself for saying that.
"Perhaps, I would argue that there are other joys to be found however. Strong minded women seek joy in the complex, weak minded women find joy in the simple." Loki shot back, picking up his cup and putting it back in response to my expression. He waited, I knew we were in a chess match then. We were both making moves, studying out opponent, but there was blood at stake now. I was not going to play.
"What sort of mind do I have?" I inquired, taking a small bite of the meat.
"Which do you believe you have? I cannot judge that for you, you prove that by refusing to wear other colors or be seen smiling again." He replied, I let out a breath and set my fork down.
"I did not come here to argue, this was a bad idea. I can accept many things, but this..." I said, getting up and he stood. Loki grabbed my arm and I turned, a ball of fire in my hand in case I had to defend myself.
"Why did you come then? Do you ever understand any of your actions, or do you just pretend to be a part of something you believe sacred?" Loki said then, I closed my hand over the fire and stepped back from him. I looked him in the eyes, shaking my head at what he said to me. He took a stab and created a new wound, if he wanted blood I would give it to him happily.
"I was a part of something sacred, but you did what everyone else has done my entire life." I said and he looked at me with sorrow. His face was filled with something resembling remorse, and I knew I would regret my next words but they had to be said. I was beyond caring, I wanted to make my point painfully clear to him.
"You threw me away, I was a doll you got used to and bored with. I can't pretend my heart is not broken, but I can avoid the things that hurt me most of all. When words become weapons, there is one last thing to say." I said and he let go of my arm, he turned and looked at the table.
"Then why do you mourn?" He asked me and I stared at him. He wanted to know, and I was drawing the line in the sand.
"I mourn what I never had. I mourn the beautiful lie hiding the very ugly truth." I said, fighting tears. My heart was hollow and screaming for him to stop being arrogant and listen, I was standing there and laying myself bare but he did not see it. I was so afraid of what he would say next, I couldn't breathe. He stood let out a long breath quietly as he stared at the table, I could see he was fighting his own fears, and it gave me some hope.
"I will not free you to find another. You are wed to me, and therefore mine. Do you understand that?" He said, looking at me and waiting for me to flinch. I closed my eyes, knowing that he was not seeing anything I was saying.
"I always was free, all I had to do was run for the horizon and never stop. You say you will not free me to find another, I do not have a heart to love that person with." I said and he flinched, studying me with tears in his eyes as he pressed his lips together. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, hold him to me and tell him what a fool he was being. My feet were stuck though, my stubbornness holding me to my spot like glue. He walked to the table and sat down, looking at the contents and back at me.
"You think you can tell the direction of the wind by the way a leaf falls from a tree." He said, raising an eyebrow at me. I shook my head, smiling sadly.
"I am the wind that blows the leaf. I have a storm in me that you would not believe, it could take the breath from you and leave you a husk. You were just too arrogant, too proud to look that close at me to see it." I said and he looked deflated at me. I walked to the door and paused, resting my hand on the handle.
"Storms blow out." He said to me and I shook my head. He did not hear a word I was saying, I hoped he would listen but he didn't.
"Storms become something better, they change. Stop playing games with lives, because the hearts behind them are fragile things. Open your eyes Loki, before all you have fractures and turns to dust." I said and left his rooms, refusing to turn back as I walked. I did not want him to see what was on my face, I did not want to go back and loos my resolve.
I was right however, I was always free and my destiny was mine.
