"Welcome to Mafia Land. Please state your name, the number of your party, and famiglia or affiliation."
Naruto stared at the woman blankly. Her Japanese was too-perfect, her smile too-plastic, her voice too-even. Never mind the fact she had figured out his nationality before he even reached her desk. Who knew what else she'd manage to glean when he did speak. What the hell? Was she even human? This shit was on par with the instant profiling only veteran T&I specialists could pull off. He was now glad Aria had taken the initiative to provide fake documentation for him and the kids as a just-in-case. Gotta love her intuitive just-in-cases.
"Uzumaki Naruto. Seven including myself. We are affiliated with the Giglio Nero famiglia."
"Thank you, please wait a moment," was uttered with only the merest twitch of facial muscles.
Impressed, Naruto signed discreetly for Kyōko to take notes, and by the time the woman had processed their information, the girl's cute smile had transformed into a passable imitation of that creepy-as-fuck, I-know-all-your-secrets smile. Not quite there yet, but Naruto gave her a B-plus for effort. This trip was already proving to be highly educational.
"Here are your passes. Please refer to the desk on your right, if you wish to make use of our training facilities. Have a nice stay."
And it was getting better. Moving out of the line, he passed the identification cards around and gathered the kids near the exit to lay down the law. "Well, kids. I have bad news, good news, and better news."
Six pairs of curious eyes peered at him. Unblinking, with the kind of intense focus trained soldiers afforded their commanding officer. It was freaking out the motley crew of not-so-casual observers the name Giglio Nero had attracted. Heh. Amateurs. The little brats had them pegged, too, silently exchanging coded messages and debating about which target—read: unfortunate victim—they got to fuck with first.
"Bad news is our affiliation to Aria-san is now known and our actions here will reflect on her famiglia."
Kyōya and Hana shot him an impatient glare, in total sync for once, as if to say obviously and who do you take us for and get on with it. He had taught them well, hadn't he? Naruto grinned a fox-like grin, all stretched cheeks and mischief and damn proud of his little ducklings.
"Good news is we know the importance of having an alibi and plausible deniability."
Six pairs of lips mimicked his grin. Even no-nonsense Hana and stalwart Tetsuya, because they were on an effing vacation and this was their chance to de-stress and who cared about professional criminals getting their just desserts. If the bystanders were freaked out before, they were now downright alarmed.
"Better news is they have training facilities we can use." Naruto clapped his hands once, wrapping up his speech to the kids' unholy glee and the mafiosi's horrified shock. "With that said, let's check in to our hotel. You can have the rest of the day to yourselves while I check out the training area and meet with the instructor. Supposedly he's ex-military, so that will be fun. We can now add firearms to our arsenal. Isn't your sensei awesome?"
The kids cheered. Naruto patted himself on the back. The mafiosi crossed themselves as if warding off evil and praying for deliverance. Rude much?
One fun underground ride later—for him, his fellow passengers kept screaming their lungs and puking their guts out like the weak-willed pussies they were—Naruto entered the training grounds, scanning around for the you-can't-miss-him-trust-me, according to the desk guy, instructor. And what do you know, he found him, alright. The green army camouflage and anti-tank rifle ensemble was kinda hard to miss. Also, the blue pacifier was a big clue. And, fuck his life, the nin-hawk on top of the killer-baby's head.
Under normal circumstances, this meeting might have been pretty chill, but the nin-animal...yeah, that was a fucking deal-breaker. If Naruto had to go through another puppy-eyes-of-doom session once Kyōya caught sight of the damn avian, then this guy would share his pain. Misery loved company and all that petty shit.
Scowling, he yelled, "Oi, are you Colonnello?"
The army-baby blinked once, and again, then slowly dragged his gaze all over him. "Yeah, who's asking?"
An eleven-year-old pretty-boy giving him the world's angriest bitch-face must have been throwing him off his game. Not that Naruto had any fucks to spare. He clicked his tongue, skipping pleasantries altogether and unknowingly setting the pattern for any and all future interactions between his brats and the Rain Arcobaleno. (Young kids were impressionable. Kyōya, in particular, took his lead as gospel.)
"Uzumaki Naruto. The guy at the desk upstairs told me to find you after I paid for the weekend course."
There was a pregnant pause, and another slow once-over, before Colonnello said, matter-of-fact but not unkind, "You don't look like much, kid. Are you sure you wanna do this, kora?"
Naruto snorted. "Nah, I'm just here to test your facilities, see if they're gonna give my kids a decent challenge."
Gobsmacked, Colonnello goggled at him, as if he had just been slapped with a wet fish and told he needed more vitamin D in his diet. He opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. "You signed the waiver, right?" was what eventually came out.
What Naruto heard was, did you sign the lovely legal document that releases me from all liability in the case of your untimely and gruesome death? As if he was a rookie taking his first Chūnin Exams. Pfft. Please, bitch. This guy had nothing on Anko. Now that woman had danger as her middle name. Hot as hell danger. Man, that after-war party... Good times.
All traces of irritation withered away—he grinned widely. "Yeah, I sure did. So fucking worth it."
Colonnello's face seemed frozen in the unflattering state of witless gaping. He must have recognized that grin from his own experiences when he wasn't reduced to chibi-form.
Finally, he shook his head, realizing the sane option here would be to wash his hands off of him. "Whatever, kid, your funeral. Knock yourself out, kora."
Naruto gave him a cheeky salute, then he was off like the wind, only to come back forty minutes later, looking like he had just taken a stroll through the park, not a hair out of place.
"Not bad, bit too obvious on the traps, though. You might wanna fix that. Anyway, I'll be back with the brats tomorrow. See ya!"
Colonnello appeared at a loss for words. He regained his voice the next day when Naruto came back with the kids.
"Are they...sticking to the cliffside, kora? By the soles of their feet? Vertically?"
"Running...on...water? I—am I seeing this, kora? Sweet baby Jesus!"
"Did that little girl incinerate half the tank turret with...with Storm Flames? That was expensive, kora! Fuck. Lorenzo was still inside..."
"That's not the minefield area, kora! Why are there explosions?"
"What have you been teaching these—did that boy just grow a giant arm? These are not human kids, kora!"
"Good job, brats. If you keep this up, I'm gonna have to devise some sort of Chūnin Exams sooner than I thought."
In the middle of that heartwarming scene, abound with praise, hair-ruffling, self-satisfied kiddie grins, and smoking craters in the background, Colonnello pounced on Naruto.
Gripping the lapels of his shirt with deceptively tiny fists, the killer-baby headbutted him, half-hissing, half-screaming, "You—who are you, kora?"
Naruto could have avoided it, but didn't. Hell, he could have introduced himself properly, but this little asshole deserved everything Naruto could dish out and more. Because he had fucking called it yesterday. Kyōya's eyes were glued on the nin-hawk with no intention of forgetting he ever saw the bird and every intention of making Naruto's life hell until he got him one.
So in pure, spiteful retaliation, he decided to be an even bigger asshole. Raising a brow, he went on full-on prankster mode. "I introduced myself yesterday, didn't I?"
"That's not what I meant and you know it!"
"Well, like I said, the name's Naruto. As for who I am—"
"ATTENTION. THE CARCASSA FAMIGLIA IS ATTEMPTING AN ATTACK ON MAFIA LAND. I REPEAT. WE ARE UNDER ATTACK. CUSTOMERS ARE ADVISED TO EVACUATE TO THE DESIGNATED SHELTERS IN AN ORDERLY FASHION. PLEASE REMAIN THERE UNTIL THE SITUATION IS RESOLVED. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION."
Colonnello's grip slackened as he banged his forehead against Naruto's collarbone. "Oh, for the love of Sparta, not again. When will those fucking morons learn better?"
"I take it this happens often." It was more of a dry statement than a question to the deadweight latched onto his chest.
"Every. Single. Year."
Humming, Naruto took in the kids' bloodthirsty little grins at the opportunity of unfettered destruction, and decided, "We'll help."
Colonnello's eyes trailed from his face to the brats', briefly dithering, but in the end, he heaved a sigh and said, with the certainty of a man who would come to regret his words, "Follow me then."
Naruto's left eyelid spasmed. Violently. Someone was going to die today. Because he was gonna fucking murder one of the killer-babies. Believe it.
What was it with Arcobaleno and nin-animals? Were they doing this shit on purpose? He glared at the purple killer-baby, at the giant armored octopus, at the enemy famiglia swarming the seashore and running around like headless chickens.
"THE GREAT SKULL-SAMA IS HERE! SURRENDER OR FACE MY WRATH! FORWARD, ŌDAKO!" the biker-baby belted out in stereo from atop his nin-octopus as he made his dramatic entrance.
Apparently, his voice wasn't evocative enough on its own, oh no, his helmet had to come equipped with a microphone, too.
Then, the blue killer-baby swooped down to save the day held by the talons of his nin-hawk.
"Your wrath, my ass! If you don't cut the bullshit, I'll pump you full of lead, kora! You and your stupid octopus!"
Kyōya had stopped fighting to watch the nin-animals duke it out. Yeah. One of them—or both—was so going down.
"CO-COLONNELLO-SE-SENPAI? WHAT—WHAT A SURPRISE, I—I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE! LE-LET'S NOT BE HASTY!"
Wincing, Naruto rubbed his ringing ears as they landed beside him, and thank the sage, Kyōya's battle-lust was back with a vengeance. Relief flooded his system. Even better, the biker-baby pulled off his helmet and squealed in a lower-but-no-less-dramatic voice, grinning and bubbly and un-fucking-believably purple, "It's been a while, senpai! How've you been? I'm doing great, by the way, thanks for asking!"
Naruto's expression went stone-cold flat. "Seriously?"
"Skull is..." Colonnello began, visibly pained, but gave up midway through with an exasperated sigh. "...yeah, I've got nothing."
Undeterred, the punk-panda-baby all but got in his face. "And who's this? Friend of yours?"
"Not really," Naruto drawled, then rolled his shoulders, murderous impulses under control, because this little guy was too...too kid-on-a-sugar-high-hyper to stay mad at. It'd be like bullying a kid or something. So he made up his mind to treat him like one, too, and throw him at the brats. That was fair, right? Right. "Say, is that your famiglia?"
"Hm?" Skull tilted his head toward the ongoing battle, as if he had forgotten all about it in the meantime, and yeah, with an attention span so short he checked another kid-box.
"Oh, yeah, kinda? I've got a yearly contract with them." Wringing his hands, the punk-panda-baby swayed back and forth, biting his lip ring before admitting, "It's just...at the end of each year...they don't get no for an answer."
Did that mean what Naruto thought it meant? Colonnello seemed to think so, because it was the first time he looked angry on Skull's behalf instead of at him.
"Wait," he cut in, pale-blue eyes sharp and narrow, "Carcassa is threatening you, kora?"
It was also the wrong conclusion.
"Oh, no, nothing like that, Colonnello-senpai!" Skull hurried to disabuse them of that notion, limbs frantic and flailing all over the place. "They're just so sad I'll be leaving them... I can't stand those sad faces, you know?"
Colonnello's fingers tightened around the pistol grip. "I will shoot you, kora."
Naruto could even see his teeth grinding, but eh, the guy was an asshole, so. He nodded at Skull, humoring the little guy and enacting his original plan before Colonnello blew a fuse. "Well, in that case, you might wanna go save them."
Skull blinked. "Save them? From wha—?" His eyes almost popped out of his head at the sight of the brats' beautiful seaside annihilation. "What the hell? Are those...freaking kids?"
"Fuck no."
Colonnello's deadpan didn't convince Skull. Oh ye, of little faith.
"But—but they look like kids! Flame Active kids! Are they like us or something?"
Naruto grinned. "Nah, my kids are just awesome like that."
"Your kids?" Unable to take his eyes off of the kiddie carnage, the biker-baby spluttered, on the verge of hysteria. "Aren't you a little young to be a father of..." His voice rose shrilly. "...six?"
No, not really. Naruto's grin became wicked as he shrugged. "What can I say? Ladies love me. It's my animal magnetism, you know?"
The killer-babies stared at him amid the deafening clangor of battle and what-the-fuck speechlessness.
"Then," Colonnello declared with the strained visage of someone who had reached his quota of bullshit, "as their father," and who couldn't believe he was actually saying this, "you're paying for the damages."
"Hey now. I wasn't the one who invaded the island."
His pointed stare spoke volumes of who was.
"We—we'll pay for everything, I swear, we will! Just, please, make them stop!" Skull wailed, pulling at his hair. The little guy was so distressed that Naruto felt a twinge of guilt, but before he could do something stupid—like take pity on him and offer to cover for his brats' rampage—Skull shoved his head inside his helmet and jumped into the fray, crying out, "SALVATORE, NOOOO, DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT!"
Yeah, there was no saving that guy.
What did I miss? Kurama yawned, lazily flicking his tails.
Nothing, just kids being kids.
