AN: Re guest comment - "plz don't let alex get wif joe"... (o_0). Umm, wow. Ok, you have no worries about that happening ;-) Joe has no interest in Alex romantically whatsoever. I won't be pairing Alex & Olivia with other guys or gals either. I guarantee all readers this is a Cabenson story :-). Re ladybugsmomma - "I love your use of Latin phrases in this chapter". Thankyou! :-D. I thought those phrases might be familiar to some readers ;-). I believe they fit well in the story to show the passing of time and the passing of Brian :-). (Sorry Bri!)
AN2: Sorry for the delay, but the length of the chapter should make up for it considering most earlier chapters were around 2500 and the last 3 have been 4000+. Also, I've been working on the Alex & Olivia back story that's been hinted at through the earlier chapters and the end note of the previous chapter, but still trying to be mostly canon, so research for accuracy and continuity is necessary. Plus, I'm toying with the idea of a couple of other AU A/O stories, but I want to write more of this story first before I delve into those. And I guess you're wondering about the rest of THAT night from chapter 9 seeing I said Alex would revisit it, and the broken promises that have been hinted at... well, read on! Again, I make NO apologies WHATSOEVER for the length nor M rating of this chapter for the lady loving ;-). Thankyou to all readers for taking the time to read, leave comments, faves etc. I truly do appreciate it :-)
Nous promettons selon nos espérances, et nous tenons selon nos craintes.~ François de La Rochefoucauld
After the Memorial service for Brian Cassidy had ended, Captain Cragen watched Alex Cabot quietly slip out the door. He was disappointed he hadn't been able to see how the ADA was coping now before she left, particularly after he had briefly informed her of the latest photos prior to the service. The Captain's attention was drawn away from interaction of Rafael Barba offering his condolences to Joe Dumas and his mother, by Odafin Tutuola and Amanda Rollins needing to attend a call out. Since Olivia's disappearance 11 days ago, Nick Amaro was now partnered with John Munch. Amaro was happy to leave when Cragen and Munch indicated they should return to the 1-6, Nick never liked Brian to begin with. But he had a begrudging respect for the fallen officer - Nick didn't like how Brian did it, but it was because of Brian that Nick discovered he'd fathered a son, Gil.
Cragen sat down at his desk, loosening his dress tie, his eyes sliding automatically to the bottom desk drawer. No, Don chastised himself.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
He had to keep occupied and not give in to temptation. Even if it was something mundane as paperwork. Sorting through and signing off on recent DD5's, he came across an incomplete file.
"Anyone seen the rest of the McMahon file?" Cragen called out from his doorway.
"That was mine and Olivia's case, what are you missing?" Nick replied.
"Just some follow up information to finish off a DD5," Don rummaged through some papers on Liv's desk.
Amaro hesitated before asking, "Hey Cap? I don't wanna speak out of turn here... but... what do we about... Olivia's desk?"
The Captain looked Amaro in the eye, his tone meaning the answer was not up for discussion, "This isn't like when Stabler retired. We keep it exactly as it is until Benson's found. Got it?"
Opening the desk drawer, Don found the paperwork he was looking for. As he removed the papers, he uncovered an envelope addressed to Alex and small flat square box wrapped in birthday paper. Cragen peered at the small desk calendar closely, and saw today's date, May 31st, circled with a small notation in Olivia's handwriting: Alex's B'day.
Shit.
With everything that had occurred in recent days, he'd completely forgotten about Olivia putting the gift there.
"John, you're in charge until I get back," stated the Captain, grabbing the envelope and small box from the drawer, putting the paperwork on his desk, then headed for the elevators.
"How can I help you?" the woman at the counter asked.
"I'd like a bunch of flowers in a vase that have a significant meaning, but I'm not sure what flowers they would be," Don said. He remembered Marge always saying that certain flowers and quantities of flowers meant certain things.
The florist nodded, "And what meaning are you trying to convey?"
When Don told the florist, she smiled "I know exactly what you need."
Having already checked with Alex's secretary to see if she was in her office or not, Don knocked Alex's apartment door and heard the chain on the door being slid off after a few moments.
"I know what you're going to ask Alex, and no, we don't have any more information. I really wish I did though," Don said before Alex could ask. "What I do know is that it's your birthday today. I really hoped I could wish you a happier birthday than what it's been."
"Thankyou," Alex said quietly, allowing Don inside then shut the door.
"I won't stay long, Alex. I wouldn't want to overstay my welcome. These are for you," Don handed over the vase full of small colourful yellow, orange, pink and red blooms. While Alex set the vase down on the bench, Don took the box and card out of his inside breast pocket, "And these are from Olivia."
Turning slowly, Alex looked over at Don, taking the box and card into her hands, "When did Olivia give these to you?"
"I saw Liv put the box and card in her desk drawer before she and Amanda went to see Melinda last Saturday for the results of Alice Parker. I found them this afternoon while I was looking for a file at her desk. I'm positive Olivia would want you to receive these today."
Last Saturday, the day after they kissed at the Whitney.
The ADA removed the card from the envelope. The card was a simple, yet elegant with 'Happy Birthday' on the front in gold calligraphy, with an embossed floral border. Inside a note written by the missing detective.
Alex,
We promise according to our hopes, and we want according to our fears. ~ François de La Rochefoucauld
Love, Olivia
Tears threatened to fall as Alex read the meaningful quote.
Opening the the small flat square box, inside lay a lavender satin pouch. Untying the ribbon, Alex let the contents slide into the palm of her hand. A smile ghosted over Alex's lips, instantly recognising the gift.
"Isn't that Olivia's?" asked Cragen.
"Yes, it is. I only ever saw her wearing it once... when I came back to testify against Liam Connors. Olivia wanted me to have it when I went back into Wit Sec, but I couldn't take it because the US Marshals would've confiscated it. They'd class it as 'easily identifiable'. Liv said she'd give it to me if and when I eventually came back... but, I broke a promise to her... and she broke a promise to me... so our relationship was extremely strained when I returned to replace Kim Greylek... because of those broken promises," Alex relayed to Don as she ran her finger over the delicate gold chain and small rectangular plaque. The quote in the card meant a lot, but was even more profound at this moment in time.
"I remember Olivia wearing that for a short while, then she started wearing the Fearlessness pendant that was exactly the same. She never did say what the inscription said, and I never took the time to ask her," Don commented, knowing full well that Olivia was the one that spent the night with Alex in the motel room.
"Abhaya... it's Fearlessness in Sanskrit," Alex replied quietly.
Don took a few moments for that tidbit of information to sink in. "So Liv kept this one for you, and had the other that read Fearlessness in English for herself she wore for years with the round pendant... until Brian bought the new tag pedant?"
Nodding yes, Alex continued to focus on the chain. "Olivia wanted to wear the both of them. I mean alternate wearing them from time to time with her Lotus Mandala pendant, but told me that... Brian... didn't really want her wearing her old necklaces when he bought the new one. She wore it by itself to appease him. A new chain for a new start, or something along those lines. But Olivia loved her old Fearlessness and Lotus Mandala necklaces the most, due to the simplicity of them. Those 2 necklaces are Olivia."
Don tried his utmost to suppress a smile while thinking, 'Alex and Olivia with matching necklaces again. Perhaps they were starting to get close?'
"Well, I'm certain Olivia would want you to be wearing this right now," Cragen took the chain from Alex's hand, unclipped the clasp and indicated for her to turn around, "Whatever your broken promise was to her, Olivia has obviously forgiven you for it."
"We forgave each other fully when I came back from my International Criminal Court tenure before Elliott retired, and slowly mended our relationship because of a few other hurdles and miscommunications between us when I replaced Greylek," Alex moved her hair to the side and allowed Don to put the necklace on her. As soon as the cool precious metal rested around her neck, the ADA felt closer to Olivia... wherever she was right now.
The SVU Captain wanted to ask what the broken promises were, but knew if he asked Alex outright, she would clam up instantly like Olivia would. He was surprised Alex had opened up as much as she had, but decided not to press any further. Cragen figured Alex would talk when she was ready.
"Alex, I have a good idea what your birthday wish is... it's my wish as well. Everyone at SVU's wish too," Cragen gave the blonde a fatherly hug. "I'd better get back to the precinct, wouldn't want Munch thinking he can be in charge too long. My offer still stand if you need to talk about anything." Turning to leave, he added, "Before I forget, those flowers have a meaning you might want to look up, Alex. They're Mixed Zinnias."
Alex thanked Don for the short visit and closed the door. Walking her to her laptop, Alex typed 'Mixed Zinnia meaning' into the search engine. The result was instant: Mixed Zinnias - Thinking of an absent friend.
The blonde absentmindedly played with the rectangular plaque sitting at the base of her throat as she carried the vase of flowers through to her bedroom. She picked up a photo frame off the bedside cabinet and set the vase down in its place. Laying down on her bed, Alex staring at the photo in her hand. A photo of herself and Olivia at the Rockerfeller Centre Ice Rink stared back. The same photo on Olivia's phone, the same photo as Joe Dumas had mentioned. Olivia's warm brown eyes twinkling back at her through the thin pane of glass, as tears suddenly slid from her own. Hugging the photo frame to her chest, Alex remembered back to more of the night in the motel room...
Tying the belt of her own towelling robe tightly, Alex pressed her ear to the door, straining to hear who Olivia was talking to at the motel door. She was still trying desperately not to laugh at the thought of Olivia answering the door stark naked with her gun at the ready.
"Where is she?"
Alex recognised the voice instantly and rolled her eyes. Of all the people to interrupt. The faster this was dealt with, the faster it would end, and faster they could return to what they had been doing.
"She's in the bathroom."
"I need to talk to her."
"Well, you'll just have to wait until she's finished!" Olivia's tone clearly unimpressed.
Alex threw the bathroom door open, thoroughly annoyed at being disturbed right now. "What do you want, Jack? As Detective Benson informed you, I was in the bathroom!"
"Riiight," Jack Hammond toed the black bra on the ground next to him, and made a show of looking at the other pieces of clothes scattered around the floor of the room. The women in matching towelling robes and ice cold glares said nothing. "Bill Harriman has requested to see you tomorrow night, seeing he's aware of your return. I just thought I'd let you know tonight and not spring it on you tomorrow morning before court."
"Uncle Bill? Did he say why?" Alex crossed her arms. This conversation would have much been better before court tomorrow.
"He said something about your mother's estate and her last wishes, but wants to speak to you personally."
"I won't even get the opportunity to see her grave while I'm here," Alex muttered darkly under her breath. "Ok, fine! Tomorrow night. Which motel am I staying in?"
Jack Hammond smirked, "Nice try, Alex. You know I'll escort you to your new motel room after court tomorrow. I'll let you get back to your... bathroom?... Is that what you ladies call it these days?"
Before closing the motel room door, Jack called out over his shoulder, "Sorry to have interrupted. You might want to put the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the handle before you lock the door, Detective."
"I can't believe you were going to answer the door naked!" chuckled Alex, as Olivia stalked back from putting the sign on the handle, then slamming and locking the door, and flicking the light switch off.
"Well I have to protect you and keep you safe, Alex! Clothes were the least of my worries at that moment," Liv put her gun back on the lamp table.
"I always feel safe with you, Liv. I always have," Alex replied honestly.
Turning back around to walk back over to the blonde, Olivia gave a lop sided grin, easily slipping back to playful flirting mode. "What I can't believe is Alex Cabot a tattoo... and your abdomen is an erogenous zone."
"Well... the tattoo was a 16 year old Alexandra Cabot's decision to be a rebel or a misguided attempt to be all grown up, that I now have to live with... and surprisingly it's not an erogenous zone with men. Please don't ask me why, because I don't know! It's only with women. Are you telling me you don't have one, apart from the obvious ones?"
Olivia looked around the room, purposely avoiding eye contact with Alex, yet unable to avoid a huge grin.
The ex-ADA smiled wolfishly taking a step closer, "You do! Ooh, Olivia! I am going to have so much fun!"
"You'll never find it!" Olivia sing-songed the challenge as she took a step back, her legs hitting the edge of the bed.
"Perhaps... but I know we'll both enjoy me looking for it." Alex untied the knot of the belt holding Olivia's robe closed, and parted the material open. Olivia reciprocated in kind as Alex cupped her ass, drawing the detective closer and kneading the pliant flesh. Mouths and tounges gently coming together to reacquaint themselves. Olivia rested a hand on Alex's waist and stroked her abdomen with her thumb, but Alex reluctantly clamped her hand on the wandering hand.
"Nuh-uh. My turn to be the detective, Detective."
Alex playfully pushed Olivia slightly off balance, allowing Liv to sit back down on the edge of the bed then scoot back towards the centre, both women removing their robes.
Liv lay back and rested up on her elbows, letting her legs fall open, whilst never breaking eye contact with the blonde slowly working her way up the tanned body of the detective. Eyes darkening more with each display of desire.
A kiss to the ankle.
A lick to the calf.
A kiss to the knee.
A lick to the inner thigh.
A long stream of air to Olivia's moisture slick centre.
A lick from the navel to the valley of her breasts.
A heated kiss to the mouth as Alex straddled her hips, pinching and rolling a dark nipple between thumb and fingers.
Lavishing attention on the other nipple with her mouth, Alex lightly tugged the nub with her teeth, then soothing it with her tongue.
"Obviously not there," said Alex with a naughty wink.
"Alex," Olivia raised an eyebrow, trying to steady her breath.
She unconsciously shivered in anticipation when Alex replied in a husky voice, "Patience is a virtue, Olivia."
Sliding back down the older woman's body, Alex waited until Olivia was paying full attention to her, as she caressed Liv's outer thighs, then interlocked their hands and fingers to maintain the level of intimacy established earlier. Laving her tongue through wet folds, Alex relished her first taste of Olivia Benson. Swirling and pressing her tongue inside Liv's opening before listening to noises of aroused delight falling from the detective's mouth, as the blonde paid particular attention to Olivia's clit.
Suddenly, pulled Alex back. "No, not there either. That's too obvious," she said nonchalantly.
"ALEX!" Olivia cried, clearly exasperated to be guided to the edge and apparently left hanging.
The younger woman chuckled devilishly, crawling up Liv's body to share the brunette's arousal in a long, sensual kiss.
Reluctantly breaking the kiss with heavy panting, Olivia arched her head to the side exposing the column of her neck to help things along.
Alex lay a trail of kisses on her neck nearing Liv's ear, suddenly hearing the telltale groan of pleasure from Olivia. The blonde kissed it again to make sure, another pleasured groan was the response.
"Found it," Alex smiled against the spot on Olivia's neck as she slid two fingers inside the brunette's core. The sudden, yet very welcome intrusion overwhelming Olivia, her elbows giving way and collapsing back on the bed. Alex slowly began pumping the fingers buried within, her thumb settling into an easy circular pattern over the brunette's bundle of nerves. The blonde's tongue mimicking her fingers after recapturing the detective's warm mouth, swallowing Olivia's sudden cry when her orgasm finally peaked. Alex slowed her movements down to extend Olivia's pleasure for as long as could take, halting completely when Olivia placed a hand over the wrist of Alex's buried hand, removing them gently when brunette nodded her approval. Alex offered both digits to Olivia to suckle clean, not before licking one herself, then sharing a slow kiss. As she settled on top of the detective, she reached down to pull up the the duvet, haphazardly covering their lower halves.
Smiling at each other, Alex brushed Olivia's hair back off her forehead to study the brunette's face intimately. Plotting every tiny crease and freckle to memory with the tips of her fingers, before pressing her lips to the scar above the detective's right eyebrow. She didn't need to ask how Olivia got that, she was already aware how that occurred in her childhood years.
"Your hair's getting longer," Alex voiced her earlier observation.
Olivia played with the ends of the blonde's own that framed her face, "So's yours."
"Well I had to grow out my bangs to change my appearance ... not that I objected greatly."
"Mine was a bit longer before you were assigned to SVU though, and darker."
"I saw how long it was in the photograph that's on your desk, Liv. But I have to admit, I like it shorter on you. It really defines your cheek bones, and your jawline," Alex replied, stroking her fingers on Olivia's facial parts when she said them.
"I could say the same with you and black framed glasses."
Alex smiled at the compliment.
"This is new," Alex played with the gold chain and rectangular plaque resting around Olivia's neck, "What's the inscription?"
"It's the word Fearlessness in Sanskrit... Abhaya," Olivia explained as she lazily trailed her hand up and down Alex's spine.
"I like it. It's so... you."
"I bought it after you went away. Here, I want you to have it. I can get another for myself," Olivia reached her hands up to unclasp it from her neck.
Alex sighed heavily, "I can't. The Marshals won't let me wear much jewellery in case it can be identified. They won't let me wear my simple necklace... you know, the one we both bought. I miss wearing that necklace. I can't even wear earrings unless they've approved them!"
"How about this... I'll keep this necklace for you. I'll let you have it when you return," Olivia covered Alex's hand that rested on the plaque with her own, entwining their fingers easily.
"If I can return," rebutted the ex-ADA.
"If and when you return. I don't care how long it takes, and if either of us is in a relationship or whatever the circumstances, Alex... promise me as soon as you're out of Wit Sec, you'll let me know. I need to know." Olivia pleaded.
"But what if you're no longer here in New York? It could be years before I return. I don't want to make a promise I can't keep."
"I'll always be here, Alex. I'll never leave, I promise you. I'll always be in apartment 4D, here in Manhattan, and I'll never leave SVU. All 3 of them are my home. Even if I did, I'd certainly leave a forwarding address for you with my super, Fred."
"Fred? Fred Dawson?! He's still your super?"
"Uh-huh. Or I'd leave an address with Elliott. You and I both know I'll always be his partner. No-one else would put up with his macho aggressive shit. Not even Kathy now."
"Elliott and Kathy split?!"
"Separated a few months ago."
"Wow. I would never have thought that would happen."
"Neither did I. I hope they get back together, they're a wonderful loving couple with great kids. They've been in love for so long, I hope the can eventually find their way back to each other."
Alex chewed her bottom lip as she weighed up Olivia's suggestions, then made her decision, "Ok."
"Ok, what?"
"Ok Olivia, I promise."
The brunette captured the lips of the younger woman in a soft kiss, "I promise too, Alex."
Rolling off the detective, Alex lay down on her side next to Olivia. In contented quiet, the women stayed lying there, foreheads touching while languidly and thoroughly mapping each others body with their hands, sharing several long, slow kisses. Olivia could see Alex's eyelids getting progressively heavier, and when she stifled a yawn, Liv indicated for her to roll over so she could spoon protectively from behind but still have a clear view of the motel door, before switching the bedside lamp off. As she snaked her arm around Alex's waist, the blonde guided Olivia's hand to cup her left breast over her heart and placed her own hand on top to keep it there.
"Olivia... Happy Valentines Day," Alex glanced back over her shoulder.
"Alex, that was 2 days ago. Today's the 16th of February... but regardless... Happy Valentines Day, sweetheart." Olivia pressed a kiss to the ball of Alex's right shoulder then snuggled closer, her breasts pressing comfortably on Alex's back.
Alex knew she had never felt more safe in her entire life, as she did at that exact moment in time.
That was the last thing Alex remembered as her eyes eventually succumbed to darkness.
Alex's eyes slowly drifted back into focus, taking in the surroundings of her own bedroom. One hand still clutching the photo frame to her chest, the other buried in wet folds between her legs. She never did remember her hand snaking beneath her yoga pants and panties, but every time Alex remembered that night, the result was always the same. At least this time, no-one interrupted her remembering that evening this time.
After washing her hands in the bathroom, she rummaging in the bedside drawer, her hand clasped around a box of matches. Striking the match, Alex watched the flame flicker before her eyes for a few moments then lit the sandalwood scented candle on the bedside cabinet, allowing the aroma to fill the room. Sitting on the edge of her bed, she placed the photo frame on her lap and stared at Olivia's image again, tears freely sliding down her cheeks and splashing on the thin pane of glass while replaying Olivia's words regarding the Stablers' over and over in her head, toying with the gold chain around her neck.
"Wherever you are Olivia... I want you to know... I need you to know... that my birthday wish... and everyone else's... is to have you found as soon as possible... alive and well. I love you... so much... and right now... it really hurts to admit... that I've never had the courage... to tell you that. I wish and hope... that I get to say those words to you sooner... rather than later... or never at all."
Consciousness came slowly to Olivia, having now been drugged twice in recent times. She slowly pieced together recent memories, but her brain was still very fuzzy.
Beginning the same ritual from last time, she checked herself and was shocked to find she was now dressed only in a thin strap tank top and boxer shorts. Olivia understandably felt quite violated at this discovery. She realised that the handcuffs that secured her to the wall had now swapped wrists, and once again she hurt all over. The handcuffs had left her wrist bruised and irritated. Sobs from across the darkened room stopped Olivia from surveying herself, to check on Vanessa's welfare.
"Vanessa, sweetie. Tell me what happened. What did he do?"
"He burned me... on my arms and legs... putting out cigarettes... and... he... raped me. After that... he said I was a good girl... for giving over control... and that a good host... wouldn't let guests wear dirty clothes... so he'd do laundry for his guests... and get more clothes for us later. He left me alone in a room... for a long time... and when he came back... he made me change. He brought me back here... and you were already... in those clothes."
Attempting to process what Vanessa had said, only one thing came to mind for Olivia due to her clothes being changed as well.
As if reading the detective's mind, Vanessa asked the question, "Did he... rape... you?"
Bottom lip trembling, trying her best to keep her emotions under control, the detective said 3 words she never thought would be an answer to that particular question if she was ever asked:
"I... don't... know."
End Note: If you get the feeling that I prefer Olivia with the 2 older necklaces over the new one, you're right ;-). I don't mind the newer one, it's a bit chunkier. But the 2 older ones ARE Olivia to me, just like Alex said. And yes, I know Olivia wears the FEARLESSNESS one in Ghost, not the Abhaya Sanskrit one. Let me have a morsel of creative liberty ;-)
