Disclaimer: I make no claim to the series, ideas or characters of Full Metal Panic.
Defining Normalcy
Chapter 11: A Disquieting Effect
If Kaname considered herself to be anything, it would be athletic. She knew, of course, there was no way she would ever be able to keep up with Sousuke; not to mention he got an... unexpected... head start. She knew Sousuke, being in as good of physical condition as he was, could probably run full out for half an hour before he would tire out. She would make herself go longer than that. She would search every square foot of Tokyo to find him tonight if she had to. Human limitations of physical capabilities be damned... she would find him. She had been running non-stop now for about fifteen minutes and would keep going for ten times as long if she had too.
... Jin would too. To Kaname's surprise, the smaller girl's frail appearance was misleading. She was actually keeping up with her rather well and actually seemed to be having an easier time doing it. Sometimes determination can be stronger than any physical ability.
But, they had just about looked for him everywhere in the immediate vicinity. Where could he be? There weren't many places she knew of that Sousuke would run to. Jin didn't seem to know of many neither, and all the places they could think of, they had already looked. What had caused him to take off like that all of a sudden? Had she said something that bothered him? He had seemed to be so happy just a little while ago, but then he took off like his world was about to fall out from under him.
The more she thought about it, the more it started to worry her. Something must have really been bothering him, because she knew Sousuke wasn't crazy. He was... different, but he was probably the most sane and level-headed person she knew. This fact should have eased her mind, but it just worried all the more. There must have been something horrible going on inside of Sousuke's head in order for him to suddenly act as if he had just snapped.
She was derailed from her train of thought when he barefoot suddenly came into contact with a puddle of water left over from the night before. Jeez, that water was cold! Why was it so blasted cold all of the sudden? Why was the...
Water.
Kaname stopped in her track all of a sudden when a sudden idea hit her. Jin ran several feet ahead before she noticed Kaname had stopped. Jin slowed down and came to a stop, panting for breath. She stopped, hunched over slightly, and braced herself on her bent knees with her hands.
"K... Kaname, is s... something wrong?" she asked, obviously out of breath.
Water.
Why hadn't she thought about that before? Sousuke had several times before mentioned to her about his favorite place in all of Tokyo. Not to mention they had just been there earlier that day. She must not have been thinking clearly during the past several minutes. She really felt like kicking herself for this one.
"I... know where he is."
He was so stupid. How could he have ever even dreamed it would possibly work out for him?
Sousuke slammed his hand into the soft bank of the fountain where he was sitting again. There was a good sized indention appearing in the soft ground he had been hammering at for the past few minutes. It was a good thing that last night's rain had softened the ground or else he would have had a broken hand several hammering strikes ago. But, then he would have just started with his other. The ground was too soft and forgiving of a substance for him to take his anger out on. He wasn't angered at Kaname or Jin. Sure, they just had to keep pushing, but that wasn't what bothered him. They were concerned for, they had a right to want to know what had happened to him. But, it was the fact of what had happened that bothered him more than anything.
Well, not really. It was the fact that he couldn't stop remembering what had happened that bothered him so. In a way, the memories were a good thing, constantly reminding him of how bad times can be rather than how they are. So, he should be happy that times are so much better than they were, right?
No. He had been through too much in his relatively short time of being in the world of the living. It was the fact that he was eighteen years old and had experienced more than most men could ever hope to accomplish in three lifetimes. How could he have been so damn stupid to think things could ever work out for someone like him?
"Shit!"
The indention in the ground deepened a little bit more that more. It was starting to become a little bit more firm due to his excessive forceful packing of the ground. Maybe... hopefully it would start to hurt in a little bit. If not, he could start on the sidewalk.
Who the hell did he think he was?! How could he have ever expected to be able to lead a simple life?!
This question first struck him after Kaname had said those last words to him, and he had been reminded of Jahah, the little Sudanese boy that was also imprisoned in the same Chinese prison he was. The child's father was a forced laborer/servant/slave for the soldiers of the rising Old Republic of China. His mother and twelve year old older sister were their convenient, on-hand, sex on those cold nights. Jahah, the youngest son at eight years old, had grown on Sousuke more than anyone. He had promised the family that if he ever managed to escape, he would take to child back with him and make him his own child. He was a child himself then, still only sixteen years old, and for nine months, he was the father of someone else's child. He felt no obligation to that family forced into slavery by those Chinese bastards. He loved that little boy. That was his one and only reason for making that promise.
He regretted ever laying eyes on that little boy for the first time. The little boy stood before him, offering him his family's last piece of bread of the week. This child, standing there, starving to the point where his very bone structure was being constricted by his tight skin, was offering him a chunk of bread no larger than the entirety of his hand. The most haunting thing about the boy was his face. Aside from having skin black as any type of darkness, and eyes whiter than the most exquisite of pearls, Sousuke saw his own face in the boy. Hardened to the point of not caring about anything. When Sousuke accepted a piece of the boy's offer, he smiled, revealing a smile which felt as if it were going to melt him like ice in the hot sun. That was when he knew if he himself was going to be getting out of there; so would Juhah. All he needed to do was hang on for just a few more months until Mithril could send in a team to rescue him. Until then, no amount of torture would ever get him to talk.
"Fuck!" he exclaimed as he struck the ground with all his might once again.
He should have talked! This he painfully realized too late when they burned the little boy and his entire family alive right in front of him. The smell he would smell in everything for months to come, the sight would replay itself for him over and over, and the sound of the screams would haunt him for the remainder of his years. Jahah had held onto the dogtags Sousuke had given him tightly between his hands to try to stop his one and only treasure from being scorched by the flames. That was the first time Sousuke had ever cried before. That was the first time he had ever taken pleasure in killing before, and he enjoyed every last one of the screams let out by those bitches and bastards.
He had seen far too much. Memories haunted him like evil specters. Any emotion brought back painful memories. He didn't like to sleep; his dreams scared him too badly. He would wake up at night: shaking, crying, screaming; and he didn't know why. He would jump at loud sounds, thinking them to be gunfire. He would zone out at the slightest thing that brought back memories to him. He had sustained too many injuries. His knee ensured to be a permanent handicap in the next few years, making him a handicap by the age of thirty. He was too sociologically educated to be still in his teens; that would ensure he would never be able to fit into topic discussions with others his age. He could relate better with much older people than he could his age or younger. And, that wasn't even beginning to scratch the surface of his problems.
The worst was that he was a killer. He had too much blood on his hands to ever wash off several lifetimes. He had regretted having to kill every person he did until he his time in the prison in China. About eighty men and women he had killed with tears in his eyes and a sadistic smile on his face. Burn a man's child to death in front of him and watch them laugh as he cries out for his child. But, watch them freeze up and hesitate in surprise when that same man approaches them with an assault rifle he had taken from the man with the blowtorch.
He... was a cold-blooded killer. He was the worst kind. He was no longer the honorable soldier he once was two years ago. Now, there was nothing that set him apart as different from a serial killer.
Just several minutes ago, reality finally caught up to him and hit him hard and unforgiving. He was a fool for trying to kid himself when he came back to Tokyo.
He was by no standards normal. He had never been normal. He never will be normal. No matter how hard he may try. For the rest of his future, his past would ensure that like a brand on his forehead. If he kept trying to force himself in as a part of any normal society, they would pay for it. He would be a hindrance to its non-chaotic flow. There was no society that deserved such a chaotic element as him thrown into its everyday life, trying to fit in like some sort of evil doppelganger. He didn't even deserve a normal life.
Kaname deserved better.
That was a solid fact set in stone. It was a fact that pained him more than any, but he loved her too much to taint her innocence with his grotesque presence.
Her and Jin both deserved much better. If anything, he had accomplished forming a strong friendship between those two. They would very much enjoy each others presence... without him.
He was good at disappearing. He always was. He could do it at least one final time. They didn't d...
"I thought I'd find you here." said a low voice beside him.
The voice startled him. He looked over to his left to see Kaname sitting on the ground right beside of him. It surprised him that his unwanted military heightened senses had not noticed her before she even got within several feet of him. He looked at Kaname and saw her eyes. He had become rather adept at reading peoples' emotions by their eyes. It was obvious she was worried and she even looked to be sorrowful, as if she knew what he was thinking. So, he had only been with her for less than a full day, and already he had made her sad. He had definitely made a mistake ever thinking he could be happy. He was a damned fool for thinking he could make her happy.
"Really?" was all he said in almost a whisper.
There was a few minutes of long silence before Kaname finally gathered up her nerve to try to get Sousuke to talk again.
"Sousuke, I want to know what's wrong. I want to know what has happened to you." she demanded more than she asked.
Sousuke sighed and lowered his head as he dug in the ground beside of him. He pulled up a small stone and rubbed the dirt off it, revealing its smooth, flat surface.
"Now... there is nothing wrong with me. There has just been something wrong with me for the past three weeks." he said as he stood up from the ground with a pained grunt, his knee once again giving him a fit.
Kaname likewise stood up when he did.
"What do you mean by that, Sousuke?" she said, deciding to try to sound a little bit less demanding this time.
"I never should have even thought that I could be normal. It's not possible for me."
Kaname was confused by his statement. She thought back to the Sousuke she knew from two years ago and compared him to the one that was standing before her now. In all actuality, he seemed to be more normal than many people she knew. Plus, it was obvious he had been trying so hard to try to fit in, and he was doing a great job. She didn't understand why he was saying why he was.
"What do you mean by that, Sousuke?" she asked, not meaning to ask the same question.
Sousuke said nothing as he turned to the park's large fountain in front of him. He hooked the small, flat stone in his index finger, supporting it underneath with his middle finger, and supporting it on top with his thumb. Instead of casting it from the side in the tradition rock-skipping manner, he thrust it from underneath and let go... just as he was shown. The rock flew onto the water and skipped, he counted, fourteen times before it finally stopped a long distance on the far bank of the other side of the fountain. He could probably have cleared a decent sized lake like that. He let out a sigh as he let his hand rest by his side.
"Jahah taught me how to do that." he simply stated without turning a glance to Kaname.
Kaname let out an agitated sigh. She was cold, worried, and definitely not in the mood for him to be avoiding her questions or answering the obscurely. Jin had already went back to Sousuke's apartment, expecting the both of them to return shortly. She said it would be best if she were to talk to Sousuke alone and decided to leave the two of them alone for a while. Kaname wanted to talk to Sousuke, find out what was on his mind, show that she loved him... not watch him skip rocks.
"Alright." she said, obviously annoyed with his dismissing her question altogether. "We'll talk about what you want. So, who the hell is Jahah?" she asked impatiently tapping her foot.
Kaname mentally kicked herself for that one. Yeah, great way to show him you really love him.
Sousuke's silence bothered her greatly. Had she once again managed to say the wrong thing? But, Sousuke replied in a low whisper, inaudible, but it seemed to flow on the wind to an audible level. His reply, not the cold breeze, sent a chill up her spine.
"My son."
Kaname put her hand over her mouth in surprise as she realized how her previous, sarcastic question must have sounded. Obviously, it took a lot of willpower for Sousuke to say those two simple words. Then, a heart-shattering realization struck her. She never would have guessed Sousuke had a son. Children certainly can't be made with only a single person. So, who was the mother? She started to try to put together the things Sousuke had said before also. His commenting about something being wrong with him for the past three weeks and all. Did Sousuke already have a family? No, that couldn't be it.
"Your... son, Sousuke?" Kaname questioned, confused by his statement.
Sousuke turned around and looked at her after hearing the confusion in her voice. Great, his mind wasn't thinking logically and he had blurted out what he was thinking.
"I'm sorry about that. He's wasn't my real son. More of my unofficially adopted son." he corrected.
Kaname felt somewhat relieved for a moment that Sousuke didn't have a family. But, then his words finally donned on her.
"He wasn't my real son."
Meaning, he was no longer around. Now, Kaname felt horrible. Sousuke was trying to talk to her, and she had just got aggravated and snapped at him.
"W... Were you not able to adopt him?" she hesitantly asked, not sure what to say or even sure that she should say anything.
"They killed him, Kaname." said Sousuke as he skipped another rock across the fountain.
Kaname almost gasped as she covered her mouth with her hand. With each word he said, Kaname felt worse about asking about his dead son in the way she did. Surprisingly, Kaname actually found words to say.
"S... Sousuke, I... I'm so..."
"... right before my eyes." he continued as if he hadn't even heard her or stopped talking himself.
"They killed him right before my eyes. It..." he said as he stopped and took in a quivering breath.
"I should have talked. Torture wasn't working, so they burned my son alive right in front of me."
"Oh, God!" Kaname said inaudibly under breath as she felt tears starting to come to her eyes.
"Not once did he cry out to me; he wanted to be strong and brave in front of his dad." Sousuke said with an obvious crack in his voice.
"It was all because I didn't talk. I..." he said as he turned around to walk off.
He walked a few steps before his steps became a couple of short stumbles. Kaname heard him take in a quick, shaky breath before his legs seemed to give out. He half fell, half sat down hard on the ground and brought his hand up to his forehead as he slouched over and pounded the ground with his left fist.
"I killed my own son." he said through his gritted teeth.
Kaname couldn't even begin to imagine what Sousuke was telling her. It sounded too awful to ever happen to anyone. It was something far worse than she had ever thought possible of happening to anyone. She never would have expected something like this to happen to Sousuke. And, he had been walking around with this on his mind for a long time now. It was just too unbearable to think about.
Kaname wiped the tears from her eyes and choked back the sobs which threatened to break out if she did not keep a close hold on them. She walked over to Sousuke and reached out to place her hand on his cheek.
"S... Sousuke, y... you shouldn't say that. It's n... not..."
Sousuke jerked his head away from her direction when he felt her touch. He looked back over at her with anger in his eyes as well as a small, sparkling, stream of water led by a single tear flowing down his cheek. Though she could tell the anger was not directed at her. Neither was his shouting.
"I will say it, because it's the truth!"
His shout echoed throughout the park, causing a dog to bark in the distance.
"By not talking, I killed my child. But, that wasn't enough for me. After that, I killed all of them." he was still shouting, but not as loud.
"I killed all of the men. They even had women and children soldiers there because of their relatively small numbers. But, I did not discriminate; I killed them all with equal prejudice..." he continued as he wafted his hand in the air as if he could cut it in half with the sheer, raw force of his anger.
"... each... and... every... one..." he said, emphasizing on every syllable.
"And, the worst part..." he said, returning to his low shaky voice.
"... is that I enjoyed it."
He let out a sigh, and rubbed his throbbing temple before speaking again. This time, he sounded a bit more calm; as if he had composed himself a little bit better.
"I try... I try to feel remorse for what I did. I figured that I had just done it as a crazed act of vengeance... but, even today... I feel no remorse. I grieve for those I kill, but not them. I'm... glad they're dead. I'm pleased... that it was by... my hand." he said as he brought his shaking hand out in front of him to look at it.
Kaname was without words. She had always said to herself and everyone else that she would never see any justice at all in taking a person's life. She would always snarl in disgust every time she heard about a killing on the television, and would secretly hope the murder would get a death sentence. Now, the person she was sure she cared for more than anyone had just confessed that he had killed many people. The thought was horrifying. But, it was still nothing as horrifying as the image she got of Sousuke having to watch... his son being burned alive. She imagined herself as a mother and imagined the same thing happening to her son or daughter. The same thought angered her more than anything else ever had. In just seconds, she felt something like the same anger Sousuke must have. Thinking of Sousuke killing all of those people made her sick to her stomach. Yet, she had never heard of a justifiable action which made any better sense.
Kaname walked closer to Sousuke and he looked at her, looking as if he were prepared to hear the worst... as if he wanted to hear the worst. He was surprised when Kaname reached out and firmly wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. Now, he was without words himself. He was sure his sudden confession would have rebuked her. He expected nothing less from her than to find him repulsive. But, instead, she was hugging a mass murderer. He looked down at her as she rested her head against his chest, not loosening her grip on him.
Sousuke was spilling out his heart, mind, feelings, everything to her now. It was obvious to her now why Jin had left her alone with him. It was now that Sousuke needed her more than ever. After all, he even said himself that it was her that brought him back to Tokyo. He had given up everything he had as a life in the military to come to her. There was no way she could even let him think that she was not there for him.
"Sousuke..." she muttered to where only he could possibly hear her.
"What you did was horrible. I can't even imagine you doing something like that. You're right; you're not normal, Sousuke. You say that killing all of those people is one of the reasons why you will never be able to be normal..."
She paused for a moment as she thought her words over carefully. The last thing she wanted to do was say the wrong thing to him now. She moved her head straight up to look him in the eyes.
"... but you couldn't be more wrong."
Sousuke's face turned to one of absolute befuddlement. He couldn't process why Kaname would say such a thing. Killing people was not normal.
"Killing people is not normal, Kaname. How could you say..."
"No, Sousuke." she interrupted. "Killing people is not normal, but your reason for doing it shows more as much of being a normal parent as anything else I can think of. Sousuke, I think any parent would get revenge for their child. I remember once when my own father said that he would kill anyone if they ever harmed either of his daughters. I don't think he was lying when he said that, Sousuke."
Sousuke just stood there with his mouth open. What she said made sense to him. What kind of parent would he be if he didn't take revenge for his child? He would be... No! No! No! No! No!
"No!" he screamed as he harshly pulled Kaname away and grabbed his throbbing head.
He thrust his finger out toward Kaname as if to make a point.
"You're a damned fool!" he shouted, which actually took Kaname by surprise.
"By no means, have I ever done anything normal. I am a killer, Kaname! I cold-blooded killer! A trained, killing machine! I have probably killed over a hundred people in the past ten years! I look around and I can immediately see over thirty things which I could use to kill a person! You do not want someone like me, Kaname. You do not need someone like me. You can do so much better!" he yelled while using several over-exaggerated hand gestures.
"Sousuke, that doesn't matter! Our pasts do not matter! You even said yourself that the present is what is important. The future is important also, Sousuke. We can't change the past, but we can change the future."
Once again she made so much sense to him. How could he argue with her about that? After all, he didn't look on other soldiers with disgust because they had killed before. Maybe he was... No!
"You are wrong! It does matter! Everything matters! Talk of the present! How could you want to be with a killer, Kaname?! Answer me that question?!"
"No!" she shouted back.
This time Sousuke was surprised.
"I will instead ask you a question and you will answer it!"
Sousuke smirked in return at her demand.
"Shoot." he said with a nod.
"How many people have you saved?"
A silence filled the air as a cold breeze blew through. Sousuke looked at the ground. He didn't even sound as if he was breathing he was so stunned by the question. Kaname's logic was surprisingly exceeding his. But, she was missing the point.
"You killed everyone on the military of the Old Republic of China, right? How many people do you think you saved as a result of that?"
Perhaps he was the one who had missed the point. Sousuke didn't say anything for a moment, but he then responded in a low tone.
"Japan."
"What about Japan, Sousuke?" Kaname asked, once again feeling agitated that he was evading the question directly.
But, then she found out he wasn't.
"Everyone in Japan." he said with a slight hint of pride in his voice.
"Do you know how many people live in Japan, Sousuke?" she said, not expecting an answer, but expecting to make a point.
"Yes, over one-hundred twenty-seven million." he said, still looking at the ground.
Leave it to Sousuke to know an exact number.
"You've killed over a hundred people, but saved millions... do I need to do the math for you, Sousuke?" she said harshly.
"No." he said, almost whispering.
He still hung his head down. But, now it seemed as if it was in shame of not knowing something obvious.
"Now, tell me. How could I not love someone who saved the entire country of Japan?"
"I... I don't know, Kaname."
Kaname walked over to him at a hastened speed. Sousuke took a step back. She didn't look none too pleased. Just a minute ago, he was hoping she would hate him; it would have made it much easier for when he left. Now, he didn't like the look she was giving him. She didn't look as if she hated him, but it was a look he had seen several times before in the past. He had obviously said something that didn't float over too well with her. As soon as Kaname was in front of him, she stamped down harshly on his foot. He was thankful she wasn't wearing any shoes or that would have really hurt. It didn't feel none too pleasant as it was.
"That answer is not acceptable!" she exclaimed.
"I'll ask you again. How could I not love the man who saved me and the rest of Japan?"
Kaname felt like sighing a breath of relief when Sousuke actually smiled lightly.
"You couldn't."
"That's right." she said lightly as she hugged him once more.
"But, there are other things too, Kaname." he said.
But, this time he didn't sound as if he were trying to get her to hate him. This time he sounded as if he were letting her know what to expect from him.
"Like what, Sousuke?" she asked as if nothing could surprise her.
"I have injuries that never healed up. It is possible that I will be not be able to use my left leg in the near future."
"Then, I will be there to push you around in a wheelchair if it comes to that." she stated simply.
"I dream a lot, Kaname. Horrible dreams. A lot of the times I wake up screaming, crying, shaking, sweating, and several other things. Not very often do I get a peaceful night's sleep."
"Then, I will be laying there beside you every night to comfort you." she said tenderly as she looked up at him and gazed into his eyes.
Sousuke searched those eyes for answers. They were answers to questions that even he did not know, but all the answers he was looking for seemed to be there. He brought his arms down around Kaname and hugged her tightly to him.
"Really?" he asked innocently.
The innocence in his voice sounded like that of a child who had just found someone to take care of him. He sounded hopeful, surprised, glad, thrilled, and thoroughly happy. Kaname smiled and hugged him tighter to her, tears once again making their way down her cheeks. The simple tone of his voice made her feel happier than she could ever recall being in her life. He sounded as if his entire world which was rotating around her was put on hold, waiting desperately for her truthful answer. He sounded as if a single word from her could either strengthen him or completely shatter him.
"Of course, Sousuke."
Sousuke tightened his grip around her and hugged her even tighter. For someone so built with muscle, his embrace was rather welcoming and comfortable. For once, she felt as if the world was standing still for her. As if the moment would last forever. But, it didn't have to. She was with Sousuke, and this time he was here to stay. Everything was honestly... perfect.
"I love you so much." he said in almost a whisper.
As if she wasn't already his for the taking, he to add in those words. The words and the way he said them almost made her melt. Kaname opened her mouth to speak, but found the words getting stuck in her throat for a second before she was able to actually speak them.
"I love you too, Sousuke"
Before she knew it, his grip was loosened. Right when she was about to reach out and pull him back to her, she felt his hand lift her chin upward. He bent down again and lightly kissed her on the lips. His lips warmed hers and his long hair tickled her neck. He finally pulled up for breath and looked her in the eyes. His eyes had a look in them she had never seen before; a look which she welcomed more than any and the look did not leave like she feared it would. It stayed, and it looked as if it were permanent. As if a part of him that was missing had been filled. He slowly reached up his hand a gently brushed a few loose strands of hair away from her face. He caressed her cheek lightly as he raised back up, keeping his eyes locked on hers as if he couldn't spare to look away from her for a second.
"Let's go home."
TO BE CONTINUED
