R: "Santana, put your penis away and come downstairs. Your parents just showed up for a surprise visit. Your mother brought tortillas."
S: "Haha very fun- oh shit Mami!"
R: "I did try to warn you…"
M: "Santana, what are you doing? Get up, put your pants on! Is this how you greet your parents? I know I raised a more polite daughter than this!"
S: "Jesus Christ Mami what are you doing here? Phones! We have phones for a reason. Rachel, baby, a little help… My shirt maybe?"
M: "That is why it is a surprise visit, mija. Hurry up and come downstairs and tell your Papi and I all about your new place and neighbors."
R: "...Well…. This will be exciting…"
S: "Oh yeah, very exciting. Jesus I feel like I'm 15 again and she's doing a surprise shakedown of my room."
M: "Santana! We're waiting!"
S: "Un minuto Mami! Jesus Christ… would you please stop laughing, Babe?"
R: "I have to get my amusement out of this before they turn on me and start asking for grandchildren. Again. Which you never help out with, mind you."
S: "Maybe I'm not completely unopposed to the idea of a mini you, what can I say? Hey Papi!"
S: "Santana! My little girl! Move so I can hug Rachel."
M: "Rachel, sweetie, do you girls have a maid coming in regularly? This table is dusty and I know cleaning isn't one of your strong suits."
R: "Hello, Papa Lopez, it's wonderful to see you both. And no, we've tried several and haven't found a decent one yet. I apologize for the state of the house. You know how Santana gets when she's busy; long hours at the office, etc. Why just yesterday I had to remind her again to walk Kristoff in the afternoon when she came home for lunch."
M: "Santi, be responsible! That poor animal is depending on you!"
S: "Si, I know Mami! I'll try har-"
M: "And Rachel, mija maybe if Santi is working such long hours you should work on the house more. After all you don't want to bring my future grandk-"
S: "Mami! Papi! So how did you get here? Did you drive all the way from Lima?"
S: "No your mother woke me up this morning and said let's go see Santana and Rachel, and two hours later I was on a plane. Rachel, I hope for your sake Santana doesn't turn into her mother when she get's older."
M: "Oh silencio Santos. I'm perfect!"
S: "Jesus Christ…"
R: "I can only hope that Santana is as wonderful and domestically talented as Maribel is in the future, Santos. I think that would be lovely."
S: "Suck up."
M: "Ah, see, Rachel is just a sweet thing. My Santana is so lucky to have somehow tricked you into falling in love with her! And stop mumbling, Santana. You're not six anymore."
S: "Maribel it was no trick. That's the Lopez Charm right there. Works every time."
R: "Something like that, yes…."
M: "Oh please Santos, you couldn't charm a flea off of Kristoff."
S: "So! How long are you staying for?"
M: "What's that supposed to mean? Rachel are we interrupting some kind of plans that my daughter had? Is she too busy for her parents? By the way what have you girls been eating? Are you hungry?"
R: "Oh, no, no, nothing important. Santana is just excited to you see you! You know she has the next couple of days off and she was just telling me how much she wished you were here to help around the house and teach her more recipes for the kitchen. This is wonderful timing."
M: "Excellent! Muy bien! We'll be here four days. That should be more than enough time to improve your lack-luster skills in the kitchen, mija. It's no wonder Rachel is so small! How is she going to be able to support a baby if-"
R: "How about we show you both to the guestroom."
M: "That would be lovely Rachel! I'm glad you have two so the Berry men and us don't have to double up like we did in that awful New York apartment."
S: "I'm sorry what?"
S: "It's a trap mija. Leroy and Hiram will be here later tonight."
R: "My fathers? Why didn't they call? Or write!? They know I hate surprises! Oh when I get my hands on them- Santana, show my wonderful in-laws the guestroom. I have a phone call to make."
S: "This is too much…Mami, if you'll follow me."
S: "I'm sorry Rachel. Leroy and I tried to stop them but it was too late. Just a warning, I would try Hiram's cell because I'm sure he took Leroy's like Mari took mine."
R: "Thank you for trying, Santos. Don't worry. I may not be able to do anything in retaliation to Maribel, but my fathers are certainly not off-limits. Oh those men. I swear…"
M: "Rachel, sweetie! Where is your vacuum cleaner? These rugs need to be gone over!"
R: "Mami!"
M: "What?!"
