Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross and Joey are sitting on the couch. Chandler is sitting in the arm chair. Ross is helping Joey set up his new iPod. Joey is tapping the screen impatiently.
Joey: Hey, nothing's happening.
Ross leans over to see what's wrong.
Ross: Flip it over. You're tapping the back.
Joey turns it around the right way, looking a little sheepish, and Ross begins to read out the instructions.
Ross: Now, you can only install it to five different computers, and after that you can't uninstall, so you have to be careful about hooking it up to your main computers. You can't just go around sticking it into every one you see.
Chandler: It's also good advice for life.
Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Park. Monica and Chandler are taking a walk.
Chandler: Gah! That's, like, the third pile of dog crap I've stepped in today.
Monica: Then maybe you should watch the ground where you're walking instead of bopping your head to whatever ABBA song you're humming.
A pause while Chandler thinks.
Chandler: Nah.
Monica: You have to hose off your own shoes, it's not fair taunting me with them until I feel like I need to clean them.
Chandler: Fine. But I'll probably just watch some TV first. Lean back, maybe prop 'em up on the couch…
Monica: I'll wash them when we get home!
Chandler: You know what? This is the last time. I'm going to go talk to whoever keeps not cleaning up after their dog.
Monica: How will you know who it is?
Chandler: I'll identify what kind of dog it is, like with scat, and then I'll check who brings that kind of dog to here on the days that we've been here, and then I'll interrogate them until they admit it and decide to start cleaning up after their dog.
Chandler looks around and spots a woman nearby walking her dog.
Chandler: Or I'll just go talk to whoever's nearest. Excuse me, miss?
Chandler runs up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder. She turns around.
Janice (the woman): Oh. My. GOD!
Chandler: Never mind. Goodbye, total stranger.
Scene ends and opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch, watching TV.
Phoebe: Why are we watching an infomercial?
Rachel: We're waiting for my show to come on.
Phoebe: No, you're waiting for your show to come on. I'm watching a guy make stains magically disappear. Seriously, who would enjoy watching this?
Phoebe and Rachel: Monica.
Rachel's cell phone beeps. She pulls it out of her purse and checks it.
Rachel: Oh. I have to go, Emma threw up and they sent her home from school.
Phoebe: She can text?
Rachel: No, Ross texted me.
Phoebe: That makes sense.
Rachel: Yeah, I'm teaching her to use a credit card before I teach her how to use a cell phone.
Exit Rachel. Phoebe picks up her remote and points it at the TV.
Phoebe: Record.
There's a knock on the door. Phoebe walks to the door and opens it.
Phoebe: Rachel?
A woman is standing on the other side of the door.
Woman: Nope. It's me, Sarah.
Phoebe: Mike's ex-wife?
Sarah: Yep. You're married to him now, right? And he's working right now.
Phoebe: Are you stalking him or something?
Sarah: Yep.
Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Joey is walking around the apartment, earphones in his ears, moving a little as if he's bopping to music. Joey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bare headphone jack.
Joey: This isn't plugged into anything.
Joey exits the apartment and walks across the hall to Ross and Rachel's apartment. Scene follows him. Joey knocks on the door and Ross answers.
Joey: Hey, have you seen my mp3 player?
Ross: It's an Apple product, so it's an iPod.
Joey makes a face like he's exhausted with Ross constantly correcting everyone.
Joey: Okay. Have you seen it?
Ross: Not since I left it with you. Did you lose it already?
Joey: …No. I… was just wondering if you'd seen the new skin I put on it.
Ross: I didn't.
Joey: Okay, bye then.
Ross: Alright.
Ross closes the door and Joey turns to see Rachel walk into the hallway.
Joey: I lost the iPod that Ross gave me!
Rachel: Already? He was really excited about giving it to somebody and watching them enjoy it. That's why he didn't get one for me!
Joey: I know! Can you just help me look?
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: If you were an iPod, where would you be?
Rachel: In the returns department of Target… getting store credit for Rachel.
Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are talking to Janice.
Janice: It's so funny that we keep running into each other!
Chandler: Yeah. Someone up there must really, really, really hate me.
Monica: Janice, I didn't know you had a dog.
Chandler (to Monica): What are you doing? We need to get away!
Janice: Well, after the second divorce, I got kind of lonely. And the kids love Strawberry.
Chandler: Hahaha like the fruit love those things they're delicious, can we leave now please?
Monica: I thought you were living in Hawaii?
Janice: Well, I was, for a little bit, but something about this city just pulled me back.
Chandler: Must've been my bad karma.
Janice's dog yips and Janice laughs.
Chandler (to Monica): Is it weird that I can't decide which is more annoying?
Scene ends and opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Sarah and Phoebe are standing in the kitchen.
Sarah: So you and Mike are married now, huh?
Phoebe: Yep. And we have a son. And you are still in my apartment, for no apparent reason.
Sarah: I hope you get custody. I never liked kids.
Phoebe: Um… okay, to phrase this politely… what the hell are you talking about?
Sarah: Mike. I want him back. And I always get what I want.
Phoebe: What makes you think he would leave me?
Sarah: …the reasons I just said. That "I always get what I want" with the menacing look, did you not get that?
Phoebe: Mike loves me, and you're just his pill-popping ex-wife.
Sarah: Uh-uh, you don't want to make me mad. I'm tae-kwon-do instructor.
Phoebe: Well… I'm a massage therapist, and I know people. Very relaxed people who could take you down.
Sarah: I broke someone's leg once.
Phoebe: I used to mug people.
A pause.
Sarah: I just got a manicure.
Phoebe: Yeah, and I got my hair done yesterday.
Sarah: Let's not fight. But I will get my husband back. You better watch yourself.
Phoebe: Yeah, well you better… get an umbrella. 'Cause… it's raining outside.
Exit Sarah. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Rachel and Joey are looking for Joey's iPod.
Joey: Was it in the bathroom?
Rachel: No.
Joey: Was it between the couch cushions?
Rachel: Okay, I would have announced it if I'd found it.
Joey: Did you check the silverware drawer?
Rachel: Why would it be in the silverware drawer?
Joey: That's exactly what Chandler said when Chick Jr. was lost.
Enter Ross.
Ross: Hey.
Joey: We're not looking for anything!
Ross: Uh… okay. You guys wanna go catch a movie?
Rachel: Yeah… ooh, I've been dying to go see that new Adam Sandler movie. Let's go!
Ross: Alright.
Rachel walks Ross out the door and then shuts the door and locks it.
Rachel: We have to find it before he realizes what I just did!
Ross (O.S.): Rachel, I know you locked the door! And also, I can hear you!
Rachel: He's onto us!
Scene ends and opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe is sitting on the couch, chewing her thumbnail nervously. Enter Mike.
Mike: Hey.
Phoebe: Someone's trying to steal you!
Mike: Don't worry, I'll set the alarm.
Phoebe: Your ex-wife came over and she said she was trying to get you back.
Mike: What?
Phoebe: She told me that she wanted you back.
Mike: Well, that's weird.
Phoebe: So… you're not…
Mike: What? Thinking about it?
Mike sits on the couch next to Phoebe.
Mike: You said she came over, so I'm guessing you met her?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Mike: And you really think I want to go back to that? Phoebe, Sarah is insane. And so are you, for thinking I would ever even consider leaving you and Joel.
Phoebe: But… she was your first love.
Mike: You've got a first love that you don't think about anymore.
Phoebe: Totally! I never think about David. Like ever.
Mike: I'll talk to Sarah. I'll tell her not to come around here. Maybe I'll get a restraining order.
Phoebe: Ugh, I remember when I had to deal with that.
Mike: Did you have to get a restraining order against someone?
Phoebe: …yeah. That's what I meant.
Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Rachel and Joey are sitting on the couch, exhausted.
Rachel: Okay, I officially give up. We have looked everywhere. On the couch, on the counter… there's nowhere left to look.
A pause.
Joey: How mad will you be if I just realized that it's in my other pocket?
Rachel: I'm too tired right now. Come back later and I'll yell at you.
Joey: Okay.
Credits appear on screen.
CREDITS SCENE:
Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Chandler is sitting on the couch, typing on his laptop. Enter Monica.
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: I'm deleting us off of Facebook to reduce the risk of us ever running into Janice again.
A pause.
Chandler: Oh, look, I got an animal in Farmville!
END OF SHOW
