A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."
Shorter chapter this time, but it's an important milestone in Kendall's life.
As always, thank you so much for reading this (and reviewing, if you do that!). It means so much to share my words with you.
The show wouldn't be airing until nine, Logan stuck at the front desk until ten. Kendall stopped there long enough for Logan to congratulate him in person, having already received a text about the results. They made plans to meet up at Carlos' apartment shortly after ten, leaving Kendall two hours to find a song he could sing for the following week.
Katie allowed him the use of her new laptop (which had been purchased for school but saw more action with games than any actual research), and Kendall spent most of the time in his room trying to figure out what song he could sing about love that would actually be convincing. The problem was still that he couldn't emote these feelings because he had no frame of reference. Sure, he could at least try to remember the feelings caused by a crush or infatuation—except that he'd never experienced either. The only feelings of love and affection he'd experienced throughout his life had been for family (or friends, he supposed, thinking of both Logan and James; neither was what he needed to draw on now). At 9:45 he gave up in frustration, nothing feeling right, and got a shower out of the way before checking in with his mother and sneaking up to Carlos' apartment after curfew.
Carlos greeted him with a hug, then frowned as he stepped back. "Uh oh. You don't look happy, so you must have lost. Logan wouldn't tell me when I asked, said he wanted it to be a surprise when we watched."
"Oh. Well...I won't ruin the surprise then."
"I think you just did," Carlos laughed. "He'll be up in a few minutes, want something to drink?"
"I'm good, thanks. I'm down because I really want to be able to pick my own songs but I can't find anything that makes me feel it when I sing. Diamond gets to choose what he sings and I think it's only fair that I do, too."
"Totally," Carlos agreed, pointing Kendall to a chair in front of the television. "I made popcorn if you want some. So it was Gustavo who picked the songs you did last night?"
"Yeah. He said he's willing to let me do it if I can be convincing when I sing. It was easy last night, I was singing about life in general. Love is my downfall."
"I'm telling you, dude, you need to fall in love pronto! Isn't there anyone at all you're interested in around here?"
"There might be if I had time to meet people."
"Yeah, that sucks. You're so busy all the time. I'm the same way, I wouldn't have met Logan if he didn't work here. I'm so lucky," he smiled, sporting a lovesick grin that Kendall was both repulsed by and envious of.
"You are. I don't even know where to start."
Carlos brought out a bowl and three cans of root beer, setting everything on the table before jumping up again. "I almost forgot, Logan insists on coasters. He brought me some with my dinner, isn't he cute?"
Kendall rolled his eyes, amused. "Sounds like Logan. You two together are cute. I'm so jealous," he admitted.
"Nah, don't be." Carlos returned with a set of four coasters, laying three under the cans and the extra off to the side. "She's waiting for you, Kendall. Probably sooner than you think."
"Logan thinks it's a he," Kendall admitted. "That I'm more into guys."
"Yeah, he said that last night. How do you feel about it?"
"I don't even know. He says that I get turned on by two guys together, but how do we know that's not the case if it was two girls? Or even a guy and a girl?"
"You've only been with girls so far, right?"
"Yeah."
"You know how I knew? Because kissing Logan got me hotter than any of the girls I've ever been with. I mean, even hotter than actual sex with girls. And they were beautiful! The thought of kissing Logan would make me hard enough that I had to uh...you know. Then when it finally happened, I thought I might come from that alone. It was like being hit with powerful waves that kept crashing into me over and over. All that from a kiss!"
"And you never felt that with a girl?" Kendall clarified.
"Not like that. Sure, I was turned on. I liked it. But I could still think. With Logan I can't think, it's like his hands and lips are magic. I feel like I'll die if I can't have it. You need to find that."
Kendall was quiet for a moment, letting that sink in and remembering his encounters with both Lucy and Camille. Yes, he'd been turned on when they were touching him. There had been waves of lust. Yet he'd also not been so carried away that he had to have it or die. In Lucy's case, he'd been coherent enough to shove her away. "That's what I want," he nodded. "I'm just...I'm ready for love."
Carlos smiled in a way that held a bit of pity. "You'll find it. Hey, that reminds me of a song!"
"You'll find it?"
"No, what you said. Hang on, let me think of it. I hear it at the gym a lot." He hummed a few notes, then opened his mouth to sing them softly in a voice that was more pleasing than Kendall would have expected. "I'm ready for looooooove."
The front door opened behind them, causing both to turn and watch Logan enter. "Sorry, nobody wanted to leave the lobby tonight. They were too busy talking about you, Kendall."
He ignored that. "You have your own key now?"
Logan blushed while pocketing the card. "I made one for myself. Carlos said it was fine."
"It's totally fine, babe," Carlos grinned, rising to pull Logan into an embrace and kissing him thoroughly while still managing to keep it short out of respect for Kendall. "I missed you."
"I missed you, too. Dinner went by too fast."
"It always does. Hey, look! I'm using the coasters!"
Logan followed the direction of his pointing finger and laughed while removing the blazer and hanging it on a hook by the door. "I'm proud of you. You made popcorn, too?"
"I knew you'd be hungry." Taking Logan's hand, Carlos led him to the sofa and waited until they were seated to pass him a can.
"Thanks, Carlos." That earned him a kiss on the cheek before Logan turned to Kendall. "Hey."
"Hey, Romeo."
"Stop, you're just jealous."
"I so am," Kendall sighed.
Carlos commented, "We were just talking about that. He's ready for love."
"I know he is. He just needs to open himself up to the idea that what he really wants is a man."
"I did," Kendall nodded, suddenly shy. "I've accepted it. I mean, I will once I actually kiss a guy and test the theory, but...yeah. I think you're right."
"Finally! So now we just need to find you a guy."
"Right now what he needs to find most is a song," Carlos disagreed.
"No luck on that?" Logan asked.
"Nothing. I spent two hours listening to different things and it's all stuff I can't relate to. Carlos, what about that song you mentioned?"
"It's by a chick. I don't know who, though."
"I'm desperate, I don't care who sings it at this point. Do you at least know the title?"
"Nope."
Kendall groaned.
"Lyrics?" Logan prompted, pulling out his phone. "Even one line should do."
"I'm ready for love," Carlos shared.
Logan tapped at his phone, playing snippets of two different songs with that title that were performed by females. Neither was the one. "Do you know any other lyrics at all?"
"Uh...hang on." Carlos closed his eyes and hummed in an attempt to recall words, causing Logan to grin at Kendall and mouth, "He's so cute."
Kendall couldn't help but laugh.
Suddenly Carlos burst out with "'I'm ready, come and find me!' Then a bunch of words I don't know, but I remember that part!"
Logan tried again, this time successful. He read off a few lines, Carlos nodding in excitement. "That's it! Kendall, read the words."
The song started out with "I'm in a new place with the same face, and nothing is familiar to me." They rang true for Kendall, who could relate to that. He continued to read, excitement growing in him with each line. "Yes! Yes, this is exactly right, this is exactly what I'm feeling! Carlos, you're a genius!"
Logan skimmed the lyrics quickly. "You can just change the 'woman' to 'man' and it's perfect. Nice job, babe."
"Thank you." Carlos did a silly half-bow from the sofa, proud of himself.
Now anxious to actually listen to the song, Kendall was tempted to leave them right away. "I need to practice this. Shit, I have nowhere to go that I can sing it and not be overheard."
"I'll get you a key for an empty room," Logan offered. "There are four in a row on the top floor, so no one will be around to complain."
"You're amazing."
"Sometimes," Logan smiled. He opened a new app and pulled the video up so Kendall could watch it. "Here, I need to borrow Carlos for a few minutes anyway. Listen to the song."
"You do?" Carlos responded, eyes wide. "You can't even wait until he leaves?"
"Mind out of the gutter, Carlos." Logan stood up and pulled Carlos with him, squeezing Kendall's shoulder. "We'll be right back. Come with me to get a key for Kendall."
"What if we're seen?"
"Then I guess the whole world knows I'm dating you, don't they?"
Carlos looked both shocked and pleased at the words, waving to Kendall in excitement as they left the apartment.
Kendall used the time alone to play the song, praying it wouldn't be some sappy ballad that would make him want to puke. He was pleasantly surprised to find that it was a pop song with a hint of a rock vibe, and once it reached the chorus it was vaguely familiar. Probably a song he'd heard on the radio occasionally and dismissed, as he tended to do with most music. The lyrics, however, hit home as they washed over Kendall.
I'm in a new place with the same face
And nothing is familiar to me
But there's a strong rush
And the wind stirs
And its bringing out the woman in me
I know that you're out there somewhere
Waiting on a deeper connection
Now I'm looking to my left
Searching on my right
Cause we could be the greatest adventure
I'm ready come and find me
I'm not gonna hide
Got the sun on my side
It's heavy 'cause I'm finally
Open to the one and I'm ready ready
I feel you out there
So baby be aware
Cause now it's just a matter of time
Before our crash course and the sky falls
The very moment that I tell you you're mine
I know that you're out there somewhere
Moving in another direction
So just hurry up and come
As fast as you can run
Cause I've been waiting far too long
Oh, I know you gotta be close
Because I breathe you in and out
Wherever I go
I'm ready come and find me
I'm not gonna hide
Got the sun on my side
It's heavy 'cause I'm finally
Open to the one and I'm ready ready
Mmm I'm ready for love
I'm ready
I'm ready for love
I'm ready
This was a song Kendall could sing convincingly. He listened to it once more, trying out the chorus as it played and finding the range deeper than the songs Gustavo wanted for him but he liked the sound and feel of it. By the time his friends returned, he was pumped and ready to get going on his own arrangement.
"So?" Carlos asked. "It works?"
"It's amazing. I can't thank you enough."
"Just keep winning, that's enough for me! Oh, sorry, Logan spoiled it for me on the way back up. We figured you'd want to get going right away and wouldn't want to sit through the show."
"It's fine."
"Congratulations, though!"
Kendall laughed as Carlos hugged him, sharing a look of contentment with Logan. This place felt right, as did both of them in his midst. "I have to keep winning so I can stay here, right?"
"Damn right," Carlos agreed.
"Thanks again," Kendall said as he was handed a card, then passed the phone back to Logan. "I'll have to go get Katie's laptop, but then I'll be up at the apartment. Which is it?"
"5L. The corner one. Just drop the key at the desk in the morning on your way out."
"Got it. Okay guys, I'm gonna—"
"Kendall, hang on."
The change to a more serious tone from Logan caught Kendall off guard. He saw Carlos' face change as well, and his stomach sank. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. We just...Carlos, help me here."
"No way, this was your idea. He might deck me."
"He's not gonna deck you," Logan argued, rolling his eyes. "So we were talking and I wanted to try something with you."
"Try something?" Kendall echoed, tendrils of unease slipping into his chest.
"In the name of research," Logan clarified. "Nothing scary."
"I don't know, Logan, your idea of research might be a little scary."
"Just hear me out and don't automatically say no. You said you won't know for sure until you try a guy yourself, right?"
Kendall swallowed, breath quickening. He shook his head, already seeing where this was going. "I can't."
"I know it would be weird with me, but Carlos is willing to kiss you once just to test it for you. Though the smart thing would be to kiss us both to see if it's consistent, I won't force you to kiss me because I know that probably grosses you out."
Distracted by the last statement, Kendall frowned. "Why would that gross me out? You're not ugly, dude."
"No, but I'm your best friend and I wouldn't want that to make it awkward between us. I mean, I'm totally willing, and Carlos is fine with it since he's standing right here and it's not like we're cheating on each other. It would just be one time, to gauge your reaction."
Kendall's tongue came out to taste his lips before disappearing again. Damn if the idea wasn't already affecting him. Still... "I really appreciate that you guys would do that for me, but...wouldn't it be awkward for you?"
"It would be," Logan admitted, "except that I'm helping a friend. It's the only way you're going to know, Kendall, because it's not like you have time to explore your options. And you were getting hot listening to me talk about making out with Carlos, don't bother trying to deny that."
"I'm not, I just...okay, how's this? You two kiss in front of me. Not like you do normally, but like you do when nobody else is around. That will tell me plenty."
Carlos grinned. "I'm game."
Logan chuckled and made no move to stop Carlos, who was perched on the back of the sofa and pulled Logan between his legs for a deep, open-mouthed kiss. It took Logan a few seconds to get into it, probably because the audience made him self-conscious, but then he was lost in it just as Carlos was, his hands running up the broad chest to meet behind Carlos' neck.
The effect was intense and immediate, Kendall's breath catching as he bit down to keep a soft moan from escaping. No one was touching him but he was harder than anything he'd experienced with either Lucy or Camille. His hands itched to feel skin under them—smooth, strongly-muscled skin—and he felt slightly feverish as Carlos unbuttoned just enough of Logan's shirt to suck at his collarbone, causing Logan to let out a needy sound that made Kendall shiver.
"Okay," he whispered, licking his lips again to wet his dry mouth. "You win."
With an effort Logan dragged his body away from Carlos and stepped back, both of them obviously turned on and Logan dropping his gaze to Kendall's pants with a nod. "My theory was correct?"
"Think so," was all Kendall could manage, still attempting to catch his breath.
"Are you attracted to us otherwise?" Logan asked curiously.
"I don't know, I don't let myself think that way because you're my friends. That would be weird."
"I can see that. Carlos." When Carlos lifted his chin in question, Logan commanded softly, "Kiss him."
Something in Logan's tone caused Kendall's breath to catch again. It had been said gently, yet with a steel that meant he wouldn't be denied. Hearing the same thing Kendall had, Carlos pushed off the sofa and moved to Kendall, who realized with a start that he did want it—so much he might die without it. Carlos' mouth was not hesitant on his, but instead demanding, and Kendall groaned before kissing him back with the urgency caused by the throbbing between his legs. He backed Carlos up against the couch and went for it, letting out the aggression that only seemed to surface in the presence of another man.
It was Logan who pulled him back, perhaps uneasy at the sight of his boyfriend kissing someone else. "Do you believe me now?"
"Yes," Kendall panted, embarrassed by his own reaction. "Sorry, I didn't mean to get so crazy, I just...I've never felt this before."
"It's okay," Logan smiled, and Kendall could see he meant it. "That's what I expected would happen. Now kiss me and we'll know for sure."
"Logan, I don't want things weird between us, you're the best friend I've ever had and—"
Logan shut him up with a determined kiss, sending Kendall's body into flames again. His denial died so that he was kissing Logan back just as he had Carlos, desperate for so much more and frustrated because he knew he wouldn't get it. Carlos' hands reached out to slide up his back, Kendall shuddering with need at the touch and his legs weak enough that he had to fight to keep standing while trapped between two hard bodies.
It was Logan who stopped, dragging his lips away before planting one soft kiss against Kendall's. "Now you know."
He nodded, wondering how he was supposed to cool down after all of that. Logan stepped back but Carlos held him steady with arms around his waist. "You okay?" he asked in concern.
"No. I mean, yes, but...no."
"The water works in that apartment," Logan hinted. "Go take a shower and then focus on the song."
"Right." Kendall backed swiftly toward the door, unsure if he should thank them or not. Would that be weird? "And we're all okay? It's not gonna be awkward now?"
"Not for me," Carlos smiled. "You needed to know."
Logan nodded in agreement. "I'll see you in the morning."
"Have fun," Carlos winked.
He took the stairs, having enough presence of mind to not risk running into anyone. It would have worked beautifully had someone else not been doing the same. "Shit," Kendall muttered, spying a flash of leather and praying it wasn't Lucy. She'd take one look at him and know he was weak and needy, then pounce.
The person who rounded the staircase from above was wearing a leather jacket and black jeans, but it wasn't Lucy. Instead it was Diamond who stopped in surprise, face splashed with guilt as if he'd been caught doing something. Imagining his expression probably matched Diamond's, Kendall lashed out in panic. "Spying on me again?"
"Pretty sure you're the one that followed me up here."
"There you go, daydreaming again. You always were one to get too caught up in dreams."
James' cheeks flushed and his gaze dropped, Kendall noticing something in his current state that he never had before—James Diamond was stunningly beautiful. When had that happened?
"They got me this far," was all James said.
Kendall barely heard, attention arrested by the way James' hair fell over his forehead and the curve of his eyebrows. He wore no gloss now but his lips were a delicate pink that Kendall's tongue ached to trace. Standing as he was below James on the steps, his gaze locked onto the part of James that he was suddenly desperate to touch. Overwhelmed by need, Kendall forced himself to move and flew past James on the landing, even the brush of their arms making him shiver. He had to get out of here now.
James made no move to stop him, staring up after him with an unreadable expression that Kendall noted before turning away from. If James read his thoughts now, he could never show his face again.
By the time he made it to the upper floor, he was in a frenzy. He got rid of his clothing along the way to the shower, the hot water the closest he could get to a warm touch as it cascaded over his skin to raise goosebumps. Once again, it was James' face floating in his mind as he came, this time screaming with it until he was so weak he sank to his knees and focused on trying to breathe.
"Fuck," he gasped, on all fours while heat rained down onto his back.
There was no doubt anymore—it was a man he needed.
A/N—The song Carlos mentioned in this chapter is "I'm Ready" by Cherie. Lyrics came from Google, so apologies if there are any errors!
