I'm never as good as when you're there.- Almost Famous


Walking across the alabaster sand of the Bahamas was no easy task when you're holding a tray aloft filled with mixed alcoholic drinks. Making a beeline towards the two men lounging under a palm tree, my toes sunk into the heated grains below and I coughed loudly to declare my arrival. "Okay. Ric, I have one Hurricane for you" I executed a bunny dip and lowered the glass into his hand, a beaming smile on my face. "And will you look at that, two drinks left for me." Slipping into the vacant deck chair between Damon and Alaric, I let out a contented sigh and admired the flawless blue sky, the sun warming my face.

The charcoal haired man on my right who had been silent up until now, shifted and pushed his Ray-bans up, turning his penetrating eyes towards me. "Bullshit."

I smirked and took a long pull on the straw coming out of the blue concoction resting in my lap. "Oh I'm sorry, did you want me to get you something too? I was under the impression that when you said you don't drink that 'fruity tropical shit" you were going to pass."

Alaric snickered next to me, hastily changing it to a cough when he caught Damon glaring at him over my shoulder. "I'll take one for the team if it means keeping you on the right side of sober" Damon cracked, eyebrows wiggling. "I know all too well the effect alcohol has on you."

"You're never going to let me live that down are you?" I sighed, passing over to him the most brightly colored, girly, Cosmo I could find on the menu from the little shack down the beach. "I made sure she put in two cocktail umbrellas, so no tantrums."

He shook his head in mock disappointment, fished one of the frilly umbrellas out and tucked it in my hair behind the ear. "Thank you sassy."

"So is this what you guys do on these vacations, lay around all day?" I watched Alaric as his eyes followed a bikini clad woman walking in front of us down the beach. "And trawl for girls, I should have guessed. You know your sunglasses subterfuge doesn't work if you turn your head 360° while you perv on them Ric."

"That's why I'm appointing you as my my official wing-woman this week" The sandy haired man informed. "You can give me all the tips."

I laughed out loud and turned onto my stomach, hoping to even the tan on my back "In your dreams Saltzman, I'm not helping you scam on poor defenseless women." Restless, I shook my foot up and down and wiped away a few beads of perspiration from my hairline "Alright I'm taking a dip, who's with me?"

Alaric snorted "Good luck with that one, I'm not moving until I fry and Damon doesn't do swimming."

"Is that so?" I deliberated, turning my head to the other side to stare at my boss through squinted eyes. "And why's that?"

"Because this" Damon used his hand to gesture the length of his upper body "Is too good to get salty and sandy."

I rolled my eyes, sat up and pulled my red sarong off "Okay Fabio, have it your way." Maneuvering my way through the other tourists back down to the shore, I stuck a toe in the small breaking waves, pleased to find the turquoise ocean bath-water tepid. I spent the next ten minutes wading in as far as I could go and finding a small group of hidden tide pools. Just as I was bending over one of the rock formations studying the colorful starfish, a cascade of water came pouring over my head. In shock, I turned, blinking through the droplets, my hair soaked.

"You looked like you needed to cool down, I was happy to oblige" Damon explained innocently, a child sized plastic bucket clutched in one hand.

Wringing the water out of my ponytail, I scrunched my nose up at him "That was very generous of you, how could I ever thank you enough." The sun glinted off his teeth, his smile proud "I thought you didn't 'do swimming'."

"Changed my mind" He shrugged, moving to stand awkwardly in front of me, blocking my view of the beach.

Curious, I inquired suspiciously "Why are you standing like that?".

A sheepish look on his face, he stretched his arms up, pulling the muscles in his stomach rigid "You're parading around in that blue skimpy bikini and some of the assholes on the beach are taking that as an invitation to rubberneck."

"Firstly, I'd hardly call this bikini 'skimpy'." I reproached lightly, the balmy breeze ruffling against our skin. "And the protective big brother act is cute and all, but it's not necessary."

Murmuring under his breath so quietly I barely caught the words, he scoffed "Yeah, big brother. That's where I was going with that." He rolled his neck and appeared to jump to the next subject "I almost forgot, you're going to get in a lot of trouble if you keep doing things like serving our drinks. I told you that you'd be off the clock when I invited you to come, so take the time to relax Elena. Ree-laax."

"It's the least I could do, just the opportunity to be here is fantastic." He waved my appreciations away and with my head tilted, I inquired "Aren't you bored of me being around you all the time at home? Why did you want me to come? Not that I'm not super ecstatic you did."

Thumbing behind him somewhere towards the vicinity where Alaric sat, he griped "Because I couldn't take another trip with just Romeo over there". The water was now hip height on us and fighting a smile, he allowed "And you're not the worst company in the world."

"Glowing praise" I teased vivaciously. Unexpectedly overcome by happiness at being at an exclusive island with two people who were fast becoming close friends, I raised my arms and twirled in the crystal clear water, fascinated by the sunlight sparkling through the gaps in my fingers. I caught Damon observing me, his brow creased and a strange expression crossing his face.

"Having fun?" He queried.

Not stopping my pivots, I grinned at him "As a matter of fact I am. You should try it sometime, after all life is for living."

Life is for living. Life is for living. Life is for living. I bolted upright in bed, the old shirt I was using as pajamas drenched with sweat and sticking to my skin, my breath shallow and labored. The clock on my nightstand mockingly informed me that it was deep into the night and sane people had no business being awake. Yesterday was the first full day after the date I branded as D-day (Damon day? Disaster Day? Take your pick). I'd woken that next morning knowing something significant had shifted, we'd had some real doozies before, but this argument was incomparable. The actions and words exchanged weren't ones you could take back and forget. Warring between regret, contrition and resentment, immediately any thoughts of a truce vanished when I found my final paycheck and some paperwork delivered on my doorstep. It didn't quite hit me until later in the day that this is how it ends, all those years summarized with a bunch of ones and zeroes and impersonal forms from Human Resources.

Implementing my first line of defense, I went for full on denial and crawled under the covers, only now waking up after a vivid dream of the first vacation I took with him. Why my subconscious chose that specific memory to recount, god only knew. I ground the heels of my hands into my eyes, frustrated that any hint of fatigue had now disappeared.

Feeling slightly insane about the plan forming in my mind, I only considered it for a second before deciding it was now or never, not like I was going to get anymore sleep tonight anyways. I grabbed my set of keys to Salvatore Corp., threw on some black clothing that I imagined would be something appropriate to wear when trespassing into your former workplace, and got behind the wheel before I could talk myself back into the house.

Brad, the phlegmatic, pimply, night security guard, by sheer luck obviously hadn't checked his memos and let me in on recognition, barely turning his head from the portable TV he was watching. Flicking on the switch to bathe the top floor in light, I mechanically gathered anything left behind in my rarely used desk, trashing most of it. Like a punch to the stomach, when I swung open the door to Damon's office, memories and the lingering scent of him came slamming into me with unexpected force.

I brutally pinched the bridge of my nose and mentally ordered myself to keep my shit calm. Knowing our things routinely got mixed in together, I did a quick inspection of the three wooden drawers and found a set of polaroids stuffed forgotten in the back of one. Taken by Alaric, I had Damon piggy backing me, my knees buckling and both of us laughing so hard our eyes were squeezed tightly shut, evidently coming home from a late night out. Guessing that he wouldn't want to set sight on them again, I crammed them into the side of my purse. Biting my lip and trying not to think about the emotional weight of what I was about to do, I unclasped the bracelet he had given me from my wrist and laid it in a place he would see straight away, letting my fingertips brush the gems one last time. Startled by the sound of heavy approaching footsteps, I had the presence of mind to turn the lights off and duck under the desk to hide. I made about a million different deals to every deity I could think of for that tread not to belong to Damon. The door swung open and I sucked in a breath and held it.

"Who's there? I have the police a button away."

Wrong Salvatore. I smiled softly in relief "It's fine Stefan, it's only me." I crawled out on my knees, knocking my head on the wooden desk and trying to look as elegant as possible while scrabbling around on the floor in the middle of the night. Perfectly normal.

He caught me by the arms and helped me stand up "Um, do you make a habit of hiding in the dark?"

"Not if I can help it." I bent down and picked up the small cardboard box I was using, hitching it onto my hip. "I just came to pick up some of my stuff. Was trying to avoid doing it during the day when everyone would be here." Stefan gazed at me curiously and I couldn't help but wonder about how much he was aware of. What exactly had Damon told him?

He coughed awkwardly "Yeah, my brother mentioned that you quit."

I dropped my eyes, quitting was an interesting way of putting it "That's all he said?"

"Well technically he didn't say it, he texted it. He hasn't been in to work and I haven't seen him. The only contact i've had is the orders he's been sending my way, hence my late night."

A crude twist in my gut materialized when I heard that Damon hadn't been in, the urge to make sure he was okay was forceful. I had to remind myself that it was my fault he was that way in the first place, and that secretly I wouldn't have felt much better if I had been told he was doing fantastic.

"Elena, what's going on with you guys? I'm kinda in the dark about everything right now."

I shook my head, ashamed, still angry "I can't Stefan. I'm sorry, not tonight." There was one last thing I could try to do for the Salvatore brothers though "But you should go see him, check on him. He's probably going to be hateful and do everything to push you away but I think he's going to need you right now. It's a chance to make things right."

Stefan carefully considered my words and then nodded slowly "Is there anything else I can do to help?"

"If you could send the things I left at his house over sometime, that'd be great". I smiled in farewell and walked past him, turning at the last second and lowering my voice 'Take care of him Stefan, for me." Reaching into the top of the box I was carrying, I handed him the pink stapler which had caused our first argument and gave a self-deprecating smile "You should have this, passing the mantle or whatever."

He accepted it looking like he wanted to say more but finally settled on "Good luck Elena."

And then I truly was adrift. Every connection, every routine, everything I knew was gone. I'd never felt so lost, or alone for that matter. Hadn't even realized until now the full extent that Damon filled in my life. The white-hot chagrin that I'd felt at what he did was still there, but lessened, in the background, muted by stronger feelings.

After a few days of living on my couch, watching, but not really seeing the TV, I decided I needed to do something to keep my mind busy, anything to break me out of this slump. Sometimes when I woke up in the morning, I would forget for a second what had changed and be halfway through dressing for work when I remembered, or would have to stop myself from stocking up on Damon's favorite food at the grocery store. One day I had driven almost all the way to his house before it hit me. So I started cleaning my apartment, from top to bottom, and that's where Caroline found me, alphabetizing the cans in my kitchen cupboard.

"Elena!" She demanded from behind me, he hand clasped on my arm.

I jumped, regaining my balance just in time on the ledge I was precariously kneeling on. "Jesus Care, a heads up would have been nice." Using her shoulder to lean on, I slid down from the counter and began filling a bucket full of hot water.

"A heads up? I've been knocking and calling for the last five minutes, it's like you were in a trance. And while we're on the topic why did I have to find out from Damon that you no longer worked for him?"

"What? When did you speak to Damon?" I wrung out a sponge and started vigorously scrubbing the sink.

"Uh a few hours ago? I haven't been able to get hold of you for days Elena. I went to catch you at work and he said it was over and if I wanted the details I'd have to ask you."

At least he was back at work. I continued frantically scrubbing "How was he?"

"Besides being his usual douchebag self? He wasn't looking great." She grabbed my fingers, and forcefully removed the sponge "Dammit Elena, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing! I'm trying to clean."

Caroline looked at me disbelievingly, and turned my palms over "Your hands are rubbed raw, this isn't cleaning, it's full on denial." She appraised me with her lips pursed "You look like shit, have you been sleeping?"

My cell beeped and I thanked god for small miracles putting off Caroline's inquisition for another minute. Pulling it out from my back pocket, I checked my inbox.

"Elena, why do I have Damon freaking the fuck out at me over some missing Polaroids?- Stefan"

Huh, I guess Caroline was the lesser of two evils in this situation, I ignored the text and put my phone away. Then I promptly slid to the floor, finally had the breakdown I'd been keeping on the edge and spilled the whole story through gasps of sobs that I didn't know I was holding in.

"Shit, the whole thing just spectacularly blew up in both of your faces didn't it?" She reached across, smoothed some of my hair down and to her credit didn't so much as mutter I told you so. "Well at least it made one thing obvious for you."

Sniffling, I wiped under my eyes "What's that?"

"Oh Elena, I'll wait for you to realize it on your own, it'll happen soon enough. But if I can give a little advice?"

I nodded, desperate for anything that may help right now "Sure."

"Use this time to find yourself, as cliche and hippyish as that sounds. You wanted to step out from under Damon's shadow, granted not in this way, but it's your chance. And then the rest will fall into place."

She made a fair point, so the next morning I did something I hadn't done for years and years, I went to the local ballet studio and danced for a few hours, slowly remembering pirouettes and positions from years past. Then I went the next morning and the morning after that. Before long, I had found a new release, only remembering to leave in the mornings when my old injury started to act up. The afternoons I spent writing, not the story I'd given Damon, I trashed that and started afresh. This one I poured everything into, pushing my comfort level each time I sat down at my computer.

And as I had wondered what my life would have been like without Damon, I tried to emulate it, I banned myself from thinking of him (easier said then done), and put everything that reminded me of him in a box in the back of my closet. I hung out with Caroline more than I'd ever had time to do before, and for a while I just did whatever I wanted when the mood struck me, a luxury I hadn't had in a long time. Basically, all I focused on was me.

After a few weeks of that came the clarity.

1. I missed Damon. Not in the 'Oh, I haven't seen you in a while, maybe we should get coffee some time' kind of way, but in the 'Holy shit, this aches to my bones' kind of way.

2. Damon and I were always destined to fail in a relationship while I was working for him. Being in each other's pockets constantly and never having the space to step back and really see what we were meant to be together and separately was a problem. I'd always thought it was everyone else who I needed to prove to I could handle my life without Damon helping, but really it was me I needed to prove it to.

3. I could see now that it wasn't Damon that I didn't want in my life, but the fear he brought. I was too scared to put my everything into us when the fallout could be so catastrophic. So I toed the line and that wasn't fair, he deserved all of me, to have someone love him the way he loved. While what he did with John and the other meddling in my life was still infuriating, it wasn't unforgivable and I'd always known Damon was that way, perhaps I had used that as an excuse to push him away when he got too close.

So the worst that could have happened, did. We imploded. Yet, still I survived and that in turn made me understand I could have survived whatever was thrown my way, including what might have potentially happened between me and Damon had I let go of my doubts. After all those revelations, I found a little more peace and ease, but I hadn't figured out what it all meant. Hind sight is a beautiful thing, but I'm not sure what it could change.

Monday morning I marched up to Saltzman Law offices to pay Alaric a visit. He sat typing at his desk, not noticing me until I had already heavily sat myself down in front of him.

'Elena" He greeted warily, his face guarded "I didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah, I'm sorry to just come out of the blue, but you were the only person I could think of who can do this."

Alaric's jaw tightened and he pushed himself back from his desk a couple of inches 'If you've come to talk about Damon, or get the 411 on how he's doing, I really don't feel like discussing that with you."

I should have been expecting the hostility coming from Damon's best friend, still it cut deep and I hated that our mutual friends were forced to choose sides. "Oh no, I wouldn't ask you to do that." Although, I did desperately want to break my own rule and beg for any scraps on the oldest Salvatore. "I came to set up a payment plan, there's some money I need to return to Damon and I have to make sure it gets to him."

"You really want to go down that route? Haven't you done enough to prove to him you don't want his help? It's not like he'll take the money anyways."

I violently blinked to fight back the tears threatening to form, obviously Alaric had the whole story and was perfectly enlightened that it was John's loan money I was trying to repay. "It's not.." I looked down at my fingers twisting together and shook my head "It's not that I'm trying to shove it in his face or doing it out of malice, it's just something I need to do for myself." Looking the lawyer straight in his eyes so he knew I was being honest, I admitted "I think Damon will understand why I'm doing it, and that's why he'll accept it."

Alaric impassively stared, then the corners of his eyes softened just noticeably enough for me to take a small sigh of relief. "A monthly plan okay for you?"

"Yes, that'd be fine." We sat in silence while he got all the details and everything set up and then with one punch of a key he turned back to me and gave a tight smile. I took it as my cue to go. "Thanks for your help Ric, it was good to see you."

I'd just made it to the glass door when his voice, gruffer then usual, carried across the room.

"I know he's not without fault in this whole clusterfuck, but it's you who could fix it Elena. If he'll let you."

I processed his words all the way home and all the way through my front door, only to be jogged out of my thoughts when I discovered a brown padded envelope in my mailbox. After grabbing a coffee and not remembering ordering anything recently, I opened and upended it, Damon's mothers bracelet falling into my outstretched palm. My breath hitched and I checked the envelope to see if there was any notes that came with it. There was nothing.

Stubborn until the end, Damon had to have the last say. While I was staring at the emeralds that I never thought i'd see again, what I'd learnt in the small amount of time I'd been away and the growth I'd achieved all came to a head. Everything in my life up to this point fit together like puzzle pieces. I barely paid attention to the cup in my hands slipping through my fingers and smashing to pieces onto the floor.

I was in love with Damon Salvatore, probably had been for a long while.


A/N-Ugh, not my favorite chapter, but it had to be done. Even with Elena's revelation there will still be more angst to come. She'll need to work out exactly what that discovery means for her and Damon of course won't be easy or receptive anymore, he's angry and hurt.

So every time I sat down to pack, I got bored and started writing this instead, which is why there's another update. I promise that this time it really will be the last chapter you'll have to endure for a while before I come back. Your reviews still astound me and really help me make sure that I'm going in the right direction with this fic. I wish there was a better way I could thank you all then just writing this measly note, but THANK YOU. xoxo