"I can't believe Melissa was runner-up," Jackie whined. She was still sore over the fact that the whole school was more concerned about Peter Little's girlfriend than her prize-winning moment of being announced Spring Fling Queen. "I mean the only reason the whole school even acknowledges her is because she's dating Peter. I wouldn't even acknowledge her if it weren't for him. You know, some people say he's related to God."
Steven groaned, "Jackie, will you just can it already? It's too early for Peter talk."
"Hyde," Donna raised a brow. "It's three in the afternoon."
He nodded. "That's the point. I just woke up thirty minutes ago, man." He turned to Jackie. "You won freakin' queen, isn't that enough? Do you strive for total cheerleader domination, too?"
"It's never enough," she exclaimed. "Not until the whole school realizes that I'm the center of the universe."
"I would like a world over-run by cheerleaders in slutty outfits," Fez chimed.
Kelso laughed. "I would like a world-over run by slutty cheerleaders, not wearing outfits."
"Oh, Stevey," Melissa wailed, snorting and sobbing as she dashed through the basement door. Her cheeks were swollen and red as if she had been crying all afternoon.
"Speak of the nerdy, little, loon herself," Steven grumbled.
"It was awful," Melissa sobbed in his shoulder. "Just plain awful."
"Was he that bad?" he asked.
She pulled a way, whipping her eyes and sniffing. "Peter…"
"What did he do?" Donna questioned eagerly.
"We…we," she began, snorting, "made beautiful love."
"Whoa," Donna exclaimed. "You actually went through with it even after I gave you that crappy hotel room?"
Steven raised a knowing brow. "You mean the one with the molded-cheese- smelling bed sheets and giant Cockroaches? The homeless people won't even have sex at that place, man. I should know."
"Never mind that," Melissa drew in a long exasperated snort. "We…we…He broke up with me. You were all right. I should have never slept with him."
The ugly truth of her admission caused Melissa to sob even harder.
"What?" Donna shrilled.
Melissa nodding, wrapping her arms around her cousin. "I waited after school like I always do that's when he gave me the 'We Need to Talk' speech. He dumped me right outside the car…He wouldn't even give me a ride home. He's pretending like he doesn't even know me. Let me tell you, after Saturday night, he should know everything about me. Everything, down to that birth mark on my right…"
"I'm gonna kick his ass! That little…That little…" Donna paused as anger consumed her.
"Whore," Melissa sobbed. "Peter's a little whore."
"Take it easy, Donna," Steven began, attempting to restrain his true aggravation. "The guy's a creep, but the whole school will go into a massive riot if you break both his legs."
"See, Donna," Jackie pointed out. "That's why you'll never get married. You can't just go around threatening to break your husband's legs when he gets you angry…You go shopping and buy expensive outfits until he has no money left in his wallet."
"This is just awful," Melissa put her head in her hands. "I can't believe I was so stupid."
"Serves you right," Kelso scorned. "This is what you get when you go against a majority rules vote. That's why it's called a majority vote. We all voted against you."
"Kelso," her voice cracked. "I'm normally not this nasty, but blow it out your butt, you maladroit moron."
"I can't," he wailed insulted. "I don't even know what mala-whatever means, and you don't have to be so mean. I was trying to be compassionate."
"Well, this might cheer you up," Jackie smiled enthusiastically, handing Melissa a silver portion of glittered plastic.
Melissa looked up confused, "How's a piece of plastic supposed to cheer me up?"
"No, no," Jackie laughed. "That was your Spring Fling Princess crown. I got a little angry at you for stealing my thunder and smashed it into a million pieces, but now that Peter's ruined your life and you're back to normal, I thought I would give you a little piece of something to remember what once was."
Melissa glared at her a moment, sniffed, and began sobbing again.
"Donna, take your cousin back to your house," Steven instructed. "All this crying and crap is stressing me out. I need to think and I can't with all the tears and snorting."
"Damn it," Hyde groaned, coughing. "This is my second circle today, man, and I'm still stressed. Forman, did you put Oregano in this again?"
"Now that Melissa is not with Peter, do you think she will have sex with me?" Fez asked.
Kelso's face soured. " Fez, that's just wrong. You can't speak English, but that's no reason for you to lower yourself to sleeping with a Humpback Whale…Oh, and she just broke up with the guy that Hyde paid to date her."
Fez furrowed his brow. "I'm still a virgin, you bastard. At this point, I'm willing to do it with anyone."
"Hyde, what are you going to do about Missy?" Eric asked. "She's, like, all sad and stuff, not that I care, but I care about what Donna cares about."
"I'm not going to do anything," Steven replied. "Okay, so she's all sad and crap, but she pulled a Kelso, and besides, I don't have to pay Peter anymore. That works for me. She'll be back to her normal, annoying existence in a few days."
"Man," Eric exclaimed. "He makes you want to punch him, but he'd like break my face afterwards, so I'm not going to punch him. I like my face where it is."
Steven looked at him in disgust. "Uh, yeah, if you quit acting like a little girl, Erica, I'll talk to her."
Melissa had her head buried in the soft fur of her giant teddy bear. It was old, raggedy, and had one eye missing, but in her current state of despair she didn't care. Mr. Fluffykins was the closest thing she had to comfort. He used to belong to Steven before the criminal record. Melissa inhaled a shaky breath, engulfing herself within Hyde's scent, or some other combination of scents, that still lingered within the fabric.
"Hey, snot and sniffles," Steven greeted, carrying an empty plate as he barged into Donna's room.
"I don't want to talk," she grumbled, sadly snorting.
"Good, because I didn't come to talk," he reassured, sitting next to her on the bed. "Out of the unusual kindness of my heart, I brought you a sandwich, but then it occurred to me that you probably wouldn't eat it, so I ate it on the way here."
"Thanks for the thought," she flatly responded.
"Yeah," he nodded. "It was pretty good sandwich."
Melissa stared at him with red-watery eyes. Knowing Steven came there for a purpose, other than feeding his stomach, she kept silent so he could continue.
"Okay, look," he sighed after a moment. "Because the guys caught me at a pretty manipulative frame of mind, I somehow let them convince me that I should come and talk to you about this whole Peter thing."
"Until you can find some voodoo witch doctor who can curse him with a severe case of male-pattern baldness, causing him to lose his boyish good looks," she retorted dryly, "I don't want to talk about him."
"No," he shook his head, "but I think for a bag of jellybeans and five bucks, I can get Fez to make a few sexual advances toward him."
"I said humiliate him," she rolled her eyes, "not turn him on."
He grinned slightly, though Melissa's face remained firm. "I'm not good at this consoling crap," he confessed, "but you can do so much better than that guy. I think you have it in you to get over this. You got over your parents, right?"
"That's easy for you to say," she cried. "You're immune to loving anyone. I mean I was tricked by this guy. I actually thought he cared…I loved him so much that I was willing to over-look the fact that my first time was going to have an audience of life-size Cockroaches with their beady little eyes peering over the edge of the mattress!"
"Okay, I didn't need that image," he groaned. "Next time, keep those dirty, little details to yourself."
She squealed in irritation. "Get out! Get out! Get out!"
"Fine," Steven retorted as he stormed toward the door. He caught a glimpse of the teddy bear in her lap and turned back around. "Hey, wasn't that mine…you know, before the whole criminal record?"
Melissa narrowed her eyes. "I said get out!" she screamed, throwing the bear at him just as he slammed the door.
"Fine," he yelled from opposite side of the door, "and you're welcome that I'm so freakin' understanding!"
