Unspoken Fears

These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home."


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"I know that God will give me nothing that I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." Mother Teresa.

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I'm so sorry this took this long. Life complications, you know how that goes. So here's your Johnny update. I will have the next chapter ready for late tonight or tomorrow for you. Your thoughts have been awesome so please keep letting me know what you think. It makes all the difference!

Chapter 11

As soon as they reached the ER bay doors there was a stretcher waiting on them. Dixie had seen them driving up and had everything ready to go. They pulled him out of the truck and straight to the stretcher and quickly got him into the surgical treatment room. Joe Early was right there waiting and efficiently placed an endotrachael tube into his airway then turned it over to the respiratory therapist to manage his ventilator. The monitor alarmed showing his drop in heart rate. Roy found himself backing up until he felt the cold wall behind him and just stared as they hurried around his friend, starting IV's, making urgent phone calls, obtaining x-rays.

He had done this to his best friend, the man he called his brother. Johnny had avoided getting help because of him.

Brackett was boardering on cussing at the young man lying unconscious on the table, his orders for medications, plasmanate and blood ringing in Roy's ears. Then Roy stepped forward, to the head of the bed and looked at the drawn features of his friend. The only image in his mind was the look in Johnny's eyes before he left. He knew those brown eyes had pleaded with him for forgiveness and he only managed to shut him out and push him away.

The beeping on the monitor struggled to show a heart rate that was barely acceptable, his pressure so low it was unreadable. He felt Brackett's hand on his shoulder, "Roy?"

He looked up, "Yea, doc?"

"Get the mast trousers on him now. If we don't get his pressure up he won't make it to the OR." The look in his eyes screamed to Roy that they were running out of options to stabilize him. He took the inflatable pants from Morton and began they mechanical process of applying them and inflating them.

He then stood back and watched as Dixie repeated vital signs constantly. Roy silently counted the complexes on the monitor knowing that how precious each beep was and silently craving and pleading for more of them. "Come on Johnny," he whispered to himself. Dixie ran her fingers through his dark curly locks and spoke her own soft ministrations in his ear as she worked. The room vibrated with a hum of anticipation, of hope. Of expecting Johnny to sit up and complain that they were all overreacting. But the gradual rise in the beeps on the monitor was enough for Roy. Dixie reported his pressure was up some. It wasn't great but it was at least more compatible with life. Quickly things changed gears and they were rushing Roy out of the room and into the cold lonely hallway as he could see the blue drapes flying. He looked down to the waiting room and saw his shift mates. Their own apprehension and dread reflected in their eyes and faces. He knew he had to face them, face what he had done to someone that was important to all of them.

Hank walked up to him, "Is he?" He realized that he didn't know what to ask. Roy's look told them that they may have lost Johnny but he wasn't sure.

Roy shook his head, "They're starting the surgery now." Once again he felt weak and looked back up to see Mike and Hank flanking him, guiding him to the chairs. "I did this."

But Hank wasn't going to let Roy go down with the ship that easily. "Roy, he knew he was hurt. It was his responsibility to get help."

His eyes met his Captains, "But the atmosphere didn't welcome that did it?"

He grimaced inside at his harsh words earlier, "No you didn't but he's an adult Roy and you are not held accountable for his choices. We all should have seen that he needed help sooner. He was right here in front of all of us."

Then he thought of Joanne. What was he going to tell her? Even in her own pain and anguish her concern had laid with him. Would she ever forgive him for his actions? She begged him to save Johnny. What if he now had to tell her that he had failed, failed her and failed Johnny?

Mike brought him some coffee and he held it in his hands, almost wanting the pain from the heat in his hands. They exchanged glances around him, concerned never having seen him so despondent. After a little while Hank decided they greatly needed some quiet and moved Roy to the doctor's lounge to have some privacy. There they waited with him, mostly in quiet but with occasional words of encouragement, of hope but nothing would placate the blue eyed man. Only seeing Johnny again would do that and they knew it was something that they would have to heal between themselves. They only prayed that they would get that chance.

Dixie came and in everyone held their breath as she moved to Roy. She was deeply concerned about him, now more than ever. Kneeling down beside him she began talking with a soothing voice, "Roy, his vitals are stable now. The blood transfusions are working and they've managed to stop the internal bleeding." She knew that she couldn't tell him it wasn't bad, that it would all be fine. The blood loss was great and he still might not pull through this but she had to bring this man back to the land of the living.

"Roy DeSoto!"

Her change in voice startled the other men but it worked and he looked at her. "You had better not give up on Johnny. Do you hear me? He's alive Roy and he's fighting. Are you going to walk away and not help him fight?"

His voice was just a whisper, "No."

She stood up and looked at the others, "They should be finished soon and Kel will come out and update you."

For another hour they waited in quiet. It was the hardest wait they had ever had but they kept up the hope for their friend and crewmate. Marco recited prayers, his rosary in his hands while Chet and Mike stayed near Roy for support. Everyone looked up with the door opened and Joe and Kel came into the room.

Roy saw them but he also saw the look on their faces. The two men faced the room full of men with trepidation in their hearts and with many eyes locked on them full of hope and worry. Brackett pulled off his surgical cap, twisting it in his hands. "He made it through the surgery but he's lost a lot of blood. We're replacing it as fast as we can and moving him up to the ICU in just a little bit."

They all felt the silent 'but'…

He shook his head, "I think you need to know that his chances of making it through the night are low. Best we can gather he took a hard blow to the chest and abdomen during the attack. I just don't understand why he ignored the injury for so long."

Roy knew the answer and it did nothing short of ripping him apart inside, "Because of me." The men all looked at him; the only one knowing what happened was Hank.

"Roy, you didn't know that he was hurt," Hank said.

"No, but it was my fault that he left," Roy said as he headed to the door. Looking at Kel, "Can I see him?"

He only understood a little of what had happened, the tension between the friends in the ER earlier, "For just a few minutes before we move him upstairs."

Without looking back at his friends he left the lounge, unable to face them right now. First he had to see Johnny and set things right.

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Entering the surgical trauma room he saw Carole fiddling with his IV's and the respiratory therapist adjusting his ventilator. His heart sank as he looked at him, so pale he didn't even seem alive. Roy stepped beside him and put his hand on his shoulder.

"Johnny, I don't know if you can hear me right now but I'm sorry for what I did to you. After what happened to Joanne I just couldn't think straight. I fell apart." His voice got even softer, "I don't know if you can forgive me but you have to fight back from this. I know you can do it, please Johnny. Jo and I need you."

He looked up to see Dixie at his side, her hand on his arm, "Time to move him upstairs Roy."

He just nodded.

"Joanne's asking for you."

For a moment his heart lifted to hear that she was doing better and he felt an incredible need to be with her again. "Thanks Dix. When can I see Johnny again?"

"I'll come and get you later on," she said softly.

"Okay." With one last squeeze of Johnny's shoulder, Roy let go and left the room. He wondered for a moment as to where the other guys would go but couldn't bring himself to look for them. Then he would have to face them and what he had done all over again. Right now, he had to see Joanne and somehow tell her about Johnny.

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He opened the door and found Joanne sitting up a little in the bed and could immediately see the anxiety in her battered eyes, "Johnny?"

"He's here Jo. Brackett is taking care of him, don't worry." He knew she needed to rest and right now she couldn't handle hearing all the details. Johnny was like a little brother to her and her worry and love for him ran deep.

She took his hand as he sat on the bed with her, "Thank you for saving him."

The tears welled up in his eyes. He couldn't help it. He knew he didn't save him. It was him that almost let Johnny die, running him off and placing so much guilt on the young man that he didn't even care about what happened to himself. Roy knew the heart of his friend and what his anger had done to him.

"Roy?" She said with fear in her voice. Taking her hand she wiped the tears from his face, "Bad?"

All he could do was nod.

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Dixie stayed with Johnny as they moved him from the stretcher to the bed, hooked him up to the monitors, and made sure his blood infusion was uninterrupted. She gently ran the back of her fingers along his pale cheek. "Johnny? Can you open your eyes for me?"

Slowly his eyes half opened. He could hear her talking to him but through the pain medicine she just seemed like a dream. The pain was finally gone and he felt mostly numb all over now. He could take in just enough to realize that he was no longer in his truck but didn't remember making it to the ER either.

"Johnny, its Dixie. Can you hear me?"

Dixie? What was Dixie doing here? He couldn't move and he could feel the tube in his throat cutting off his ability to make a noise, even swallowing seemed impossible.

She rubbed his cheek, "You're in the ICU and we're taking good care of you."

He blinked. ICU? Joanne was here. Joanne. The memories flooded back, even through the drug induced fog it was more than he could handle. Too tired, too much and he let the darkness fill him again.

Looking up at all the machines around him she swallowed back down the fear that seemed to want her stomach to twist into knots. Pulse, blood pressure, everything was so tenuous, so fragile right now. She knew that if he had been hurt from a work accident he would fight like hell but after what happened to Joanne then what happened between him and Roy she didn't know. Would he even try? The knowledge that when he left knowing something was wrong, that he was hurt sent a cold fear through her. If he was going to just walk away then, why would he care to come back to them now?