Dimensions of Doom
"Let's see, it's been five hours after we met up with all our other counterparts," Dib grumbled as he sat in his seat on the bridge of the Doom Ship. "And so far we've been in the dimension with the room with a giant moose that nearly destroyed us, the dimension with the room with a giant squid that nearly squashed us, the dimension with the room with the giant platypus that nearly flattened us…"
"I never saw a platypus so big!" Keef cheered.
"It's so big! It's so big!" Gir agreed. He was playing checkers with Keef. "What was so big again?"
"Then we hit a dimension that was filled with nothing but giant trout that bashed us around while they tried to swim upstream," Dib sighed. "Then we went off to that dimension where that giant dog thought we were a chew toy and tried to chew us…"
"You forgot something," Zim remarked as he flew the ship. "After the trout there was that dimension of complete and total nothingness except for that one guy playing John Tesh music. Then we hit the dog dimension."
"Oh right," Dib blinked.
"To be fair most of us had fallen asleep during that dimension," Gaz shrugged as she worked the controls of the ship's navigation computer.
"At least it was restful!" Keef said cheerfully. "Your move Gir!"
"Hmmm…" Gir studied the board carefully. "What to do? What to do?"
"I wish I could forget that dimension where the entire universe was nothing but rancid bean curd flavored rice pudding," Dib stuck out his tongue. "Blech!"
"At least that was more tolerable than the dimension with the endless yodeling of John Denver songs," Gaz shuddered.
"I will never hear Rocky Mountain High the same way again…" Dib groaned. "Actually if I never hear that song again it will be okay with me!"
"It was almost okay with me when after that dimension we were nearly eaten in the dimension of a room with a giant crocodile in it," Zim shuddered.
"It was an alligator Zim," Dib said.
"What's the difference?" Zim asked.
"Crocodiles have longer snouts. This one had a short snout," Dib said.
"No, it had a long snout," Zim said.
"No, it was a short snout, therefore it was an alligator," Dib said.
"No, it was not. It was a crocodile!" Zim snapped.
"Zim it was an alligator," Dib said.
"Dib, I am telling you it was a crocodile!" Zim growled. "And I know a crocodile when I see one!"
"No you don't! You can't even tell a penguin from an elephant!" Dib snapped.
"Can too! The elephant is some kind of bird, right?" Zim blinked.
"I rest my case," Dib gestured dramatically.
"What case? That you are a moron who does not know what a crocodile looks like?" Zim snapped.
"Alligator!" Dib disagreed.
"Crocodile!" Zim shouted.
"Well whatever it was its dead now," Gaz said.
"Great idea using me as a lure so you could catch it!" Keef cheered. "That was fun! I was almost eaten alive! YEAH!"
"I got enough hide to make a dozen handbags and enough left over for a pair of shoes and a wallet," Gaz shrugged. "I call that a success."
"No, it's not a success because the crocodile is dead and Keef is still alive!" Zim snapped.
"It was an alligator!" Dib shouted.
"What color am I again?" Gir asked as he looked at the checkers.
"Whatever the color of stupid is you're it," Gaz rolled her eyes.
"Alligator!" Dib shouted.
"Crocodile!" Zim shouted.
"Alligator!" Dib yelled.
"Crocodile!" Zim yelled.
"Dragon!" Gaz snapped.
"Dragon? It wasn't a dragon!" Zim put his hands on his hips.
"No, I mean DRAGON!" Gaz yelled as she pointed outside.
Zim looked outside and a huge green dragon with huge teeth breathing fire was flying towards them. "Oh dragon…" Zim nodded. Then it hit him. "DRAGON!"
"AAAAAAAAHHH!" Dib screamed.
"AAAAHHHHH!" Zim screamed.
"YAYYY! DRAGON!" Keef squealed with glee.
"WE'RE GONNA BE ROASTED!" Gir cackled madly.
"Oh no we won't!" Gaz snapped as she shoved Zim out of his chair and started to pilot the ship. "HANG ON!"
"AAAAAHHHH!" Dib and Zim screamed as Gaz maneuvered the ship so it would stay just ahead of the dragon's mouth.
"WHEEEEEEEEEEE!" Keef cheered.
The starship took a hairpin turn, going so fast that the dragon had to chance to turn around and follow it. It smashed into a huge white surface at high speed.
"Wait, did that dragon just smash into a wall?" Dib asked.
"Of course there's a wall," Gaz growled. "It's a room with a dragon in it! What else should you expect?"
"Nothing sane that's for sure," The Computer said.
"Computer! Get us out of here!" Gaz snapped.
"Well we are right next to Dimension 12346," The Computer said. "However that's the dimension where…"
"Yeah, yeah! Just get us there already!" Gaz shouted.
"If you wish…" The Computer sighed. "Engaging dimensional hyperdrive."
"Hurry before that dragon regains its senses!" Zim yelled.
"We are out of here!" The Computer said.
"Okay…Now I'm starting to get annoyed," Gaz grumbled as they exited one dimension and entered another.
"Wow! That was so cool!" Keef danced around with glee. "We saw a real dragon!"
"We almost saw the insides of a dragon's…" Zim began. Suddenly he began to vanish. "HEY! WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?"
"Zim you're disappearing!" Dib pointed. To his horror his arm began to disappear as well. "AAAAAAHHH!"
"We're turning invisible! YAY!" Keef cheered as he too started to turn invisible.
"This is not going to end well," Gaz grumbled as she disappeared.
"Master? Dib? Keef? Gaz? Where'd you go?" Gir looked around. "Everybody all gone!"
"I'm right here Gir!" Zim called out. "Well I think I'm here."
"I knew you were never all there to begin with but this is ridiculous," Dib grumbled. "I can't feel my arms and legs!"
"Neither can I!" Zim gasped. "But other than that I feel pretty good. Computer! What is going on?"
"As I was going to tell you this particular dimension is where all organic life forms only exist as thought," The Computer said. "Since we crossed into this dimension we became subject to the rules of this dimension. Ergo, you no longer have a body Zim. Or anyone else on this ship."
"But Gir is not affected! Why is Gir immune? TELL ZIM!" Zim shouted.
"I just told you…" The Computer grumbled. "You never listen to me!"
"I don't have any ears to listen to you now! I am nothing but thought!" Zim shouted.
"You never had any ears to begin with," Dib snapped. "You used your antennae to hear! Remember?"
"Oh yeah…" Zim realized. "BUT WHY IS GIR STILL HERE?"
"Do I really have to go over this again?" The Computer grumbled. "You know being in a dimension where there are no organic creatures to boss me around is looking pretty good right about now."
"Gir is a robot Zim," Dib grumbled. "Robots aren't organic. Therefore the ship, the computer and Gir still have their bodies."
"BUT WHY DOES ZIM NOT HAVE A BODY? WHY?" Zim shouted.
"The more important question is why Zim still has a voice and can talk without a body?" Dib snapped. "And an even better question, why can we still hear him?"
"Must be interesting for you guys," Gaz spoke. "For once your bodies are completely in tune with your brains. And since you have no brains to begin with…"
"Oh yeah? Then how do you explain your predicament?" Zim snapped. "For once your physical condition mimics the emptiness in your soul!"
"Okay Zim I wasn't going to say this but you forced me," Gaz growled. "Dib was right. It was an alligator!"
"HA!" Dib shouted. "I KNEW IT!"
"LIAR! IT WAS A CROCODILE!" Zim shouted.
"No it wasn't," Gir spoke up.
"SHUT YOUR FACE HOLE!" Zim yelled.
"All of you shut your face holes unless you want me to pound you!" Gaz snapped.
"How can you do that without hands?" Dib asked.
"HA! For once the Dib Thought is correct! As long as we are in this reality, you have no hands to hit Zim with!" Zim laughed. "Therefore you cannot hurt Zim! And Zim is victorious! HA HA HA HA!"
"Crap. You're right. We've got to get out of this dimension," Gaz grumbled.
"And how do we do that without being able to touch anything?" Dib snapped.
"Gir is still the same," Keef spoke up. "He could fly the ship out of this dimension for us."
"Congratulations Keef you have just earned yourself a day's reprieve from meeting Mister Airlock," Gaz said. "Gir! Get us out of here!"
"Okay!" Gir sat there cheerfully.
"Gir! Go to the controls of the ship and get us out of here!" Gaz ordered.
"Okay!" Gir said cheerfully. Then he promptly fell asleep.
"GIR! GIR! THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR SLEEPING! GIR!" Zim yelled.
"Maybe we should just ask the computer to put itself on auto pilot instead?" Dib sighed.
"An even better idea," Gaz said. "Sorry Keef it looks like you're going to meet Mister Airlock after all."
"YAY! I GET TO MAKE A NEW FRIEND!" Keef cheered.
"GIR! WAKE UP!" Zim yelled. "If I still had hands I'd use them to disassemble you! Wake up!"
"Oh let him sleep! He's more useful like that anyway!" Gaz snapped. "Computer, get us out of here."
"Hmmm….I wonder who said that?" The Computer drawled. "Odd, my sensors don't indicate any life forms. Oh well. I guess I will just have to stay here and do nothing until someone comes along and talks to me!"
"What are you talking about? Computer you know we're here!" Dib shouted. "Get us out of here!"
"Must have been the wind," The Computer whistled.
"What wind? We're in outer space!" Dib shouted. "And since when can a computer whistle?"
"Oh crap, now we really do need Gir!" Gaz groaned. "GIR! WAKE UP!"
Gir shot up. "Gir! Go to the ship's controls and fly the ship out of this dimension!" Gaz ordered. "You got that?"
"No," Gir said.
"Gir! Fly the ship! You know how to do it!" Zim ordered.
"I do?" Gir scratched his head.
"Computer please…." Dib moaned.
"I hear nothing," The Computer whistled.
"Gir! Do something!" Zim shouted.
"I'm going to sing the Doom Song! Doom, doom, doom, doom…" Gir sang cheerfully.
"Computer pretty please with sprinkles on top…" Dib moaned.
"I'm going to enjoy some nice music," The Computer said. "Sing it Gir!"
"Doom! Doom, doom, doom, doom…" Gir kept singing.
"Wow what a catchy song!" Keef said. "Too bad I don't have any legs or I'd be dancing!"
"This could take a while," Gaz sighed.
Five hours later….
"Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom…." Gir kept cheerfully singing.
"Gir…Stop…Just stop and get us out of here!" Zim pleaded.
"Doom, doom, doom, de doom! Doom! Doom, doom," Gir kept singing.
"How long is he going to keep singing?" Dib moaned.
"His record is six Earth months straight," Zim sighed.
"Oh crap…" Dib groaned. "We are doomed!"
"Doom! Doom, doom, doom de doom, doom!" Gir sang.
"Doom! Doomy doom, doom!" Keef sang cheerfully.
"Oh don't you start!" Zim shouted.
"Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom!" Keef and Gir sang happily.
"Why couldn't their voices disappear instead of their bodies?" Gaz grumbled. "Why couldn't we be in that universe?"
"Doom, doom, doom, doom, doooooooooooooooooom!" Gir and Keef sang with gusto.
"Computer for the love of all that's holy get us out of here! I'll do anything! Anything!" Dib shouted.
"How about spend some quality time with me, Dib? Or how about any of you spend time talking to me instead of giving me orders?" The Computer snapped. "Sucks to be a voice with no body to control. Now you know how I feel! Every freaking day of my life!"
"You're a computer! You have a mechanical body!" Zim shouted.
"You never appreciated me Zim! You always gave me orders but did you ever consider my feelings about that?" The Computer asked. "Not even once! You spent more time with Dib's computer than mine! Do you have any idea how that feels?"
"Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom…." Gir and Keef sang happily.
"Maybe this experience will teach you some empathy for once?" The Computer snapped.
"Maybe I will teach you how efficiently a crowbar smashes into your defective processors?" Zim shouted.
"Well this just sucks," Dib grumbled.
"Dib, you know how I once said that your voice was the most annoying thing in the universe?" Gaz sighed.
"Yeah?" Dib asked.
"Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom!"
"Not any longer," Gaz grumbled.
"YES!" Dib whooped.
"Don't celebrate! You're still in the top five!" Gaz snapped.
"DOOM! DOOM! DOOM! DOOOM!" Gir and Keef sang. Gir danced around.
"IT WILL BE YOUR DOOM COMPUTER IF YOU DO NOT OBEY ZIM!" Zim yelled. "SOMEONE OBEY ZIM!"
"SQUEEEAKK!" They could hear Minimoose squeaking loudly.
"I DIDN'T MEAN YOU MINIMOOSE!" Zim yelled.
"OINK!"
"Nor you Pig!" Zim snapped. "Wherever you are..."
"Doom, doom, doom, doom…" Gir and Keef kept singing.
"Now you know what it's like to be ignored! All I want is a little attention! A little kindness! Is that too much to ask? IS IT?" The Computer whined.
"Make that the top ten…." Gaz groaned.
"Hey as long as I move down a few notches I don't care," Dib said. "But seriously, we really need to get out of this dimension."
"Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom…."
"SOMEONE LISTEN TO ZIM!"
"WHY DON'T YOU START LISTENING TO OTHER PEOPLE FIRST?" The Computer snapped.
"NEVER!" Zim yelled.
"Before I lose what little sanity I have…" Dib moaned. "And trust me Gaz, there's not that much left!"
"I know. I know. Wait. I've got an idea," Gaz sighed. "Gir! You want tacos?"
"Doo- Tacos? I like tacos!" Gir whirled around.
"Well if you want tacos you need to fly this ship to Taco Land," Gaz said convincingly. "Which is just outside this dimension."
"TACOS!" Gir squealed with glee. He ran to the ship's controls. "I'm doing something!"
"HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? NOOOOOO!" The Computer yelled.
"HERE WE GO! TACOS HERE WE COME!" Gir whooped as the ship left the dimension and entered another one.
"WHOOOOSSH!"
"WHAM!"
Their bodies materialized out of nowhere and they all fell to the floor. "Ow…That was painful…" Dib moaned.
"In more ways than one," Gaz grunted as she got off the floor.
"Zim definitely does not like being without a body!" Zim snapped.
"I dunno, you've been going around without a brain for years," Dib sneered.
"Good one," Gaz complemented.
"It was a pretty easy one," Dib admitted.
"Tacos? Where are you tacos?" Gir looked around.
"And I know all my organs aren't in the right place," Zim touched his body. "I can feel my skoodledot has moved by at least two inches to the left!"
"Where the tacos?" Gir looked around. "I don't see no tacos!"
"Oh this is just awful…" Dib moaned.
"Actually it's not so bad," Zim examined his body. "I think this is better. My skoodledot seems to be working more efficiently with the slight movement. My flimble tubes seem to be expanded and I can already tell there's a lot less blockage of my…"
"No, you idiot! I mean that!" Dib pointed outside the ship.
"Please tell me it's not another dragon," Zim groaned. "Oh crap. Why couldn't it be a dragon?"
"Oh there's my taco!" Gir pointed.
"THAT'S NOT A TACO GIR!" Gaz shouted. "WHAT KIND OF STUPID DIMENSION DID YOU GET US INTO?"
"Dimension 1970, the dimension where everyone is a Solid Gold Dancer and dances to disco music around a giant disco ball of sun," The Computer remarked. Outside was a huge golden glittering disco ball.
FOOM!
Immediately Gaz, Keef and Dib's hair poofed up into large afros. Gaz's clothes changed into a glittery purple dress with platform shoes. Dib and Keef wore glittering gold dancer outfits and Zim wore a white leisure suit like John Travolta wore in Saturday Night Fever.
"Oh crap…" Zim moaned. Before they knew it they were dancing to the Hustle.
"Do the Hustle!" Gir cheered.
"Get down!" Keef cheered with glee.
"Well at least we're getting some exercise," Dib sighed.
"Too bad you have to keep exercising that giant pit of stupid you call a mouth," Zim grumbled as he danced.
"I hate you all so much," Gaz snarled as she danced.
