I don't own Twilight.

Mackenzie L is my amazing beta. Kr2009 and anhanninen pre-read and hold my hand and this wouldn't be what it is without their insight.

A definition: Dramatic irony (n) - the irony occurring when the implications of a drama is understood by the audience but not grasped by the characters in a play.

This is that chapter where I beg you guys to trust me.


Waking up in Carlisle's arms the next morning was a surreal experience. I came out of sleep slowly, not entirely remembering what had happened the night before until the weight of an arm across my abdomen brought it all back.

We had sex.

Really good sex, but still… Not the greatest decision of my life.

He was still sound asleep when I woke up. I couldn't lie, I really wanted to stay there all day, but there was a big problem with that plan. Actually a small problem. A small six-year-old problem just down the hall.

It was a tempting thought, though. If possible, Carlisle's muscles had filled out even more since the last time I had woken up like this, and the weight of his arm was a lovely feeling.

As much as I wanted to stay wrapped in the orgasm induced bliss of last night, reality had set in. How was I going to explain to Maggie what was going on between me and Carlisle? How was I going to explain to Carlisle the millions of things that had happened in his absence that I really didn't want to explain?

And for that matter, what were we even doing?

Were we dating?

We were supposed to be taking things slow and getting to know each other again, but no one had ever specified where that would eventually lead. We had sure done our best to destroy the whole "taking it slow" thing last night.

Last night was fast and amazing and… fast. Really fast and really hard and really good.

God, it was a miracle we hadn't woken Maggie up.

I guess I was lost in "Carlisle-haze" and wasn't thinking clearly at all.

Well, I sure was now, and now I was panicking.

He groaned in his sleep and his grip on me tightened automatically. I smiled, suddenly feeling the weight of how familiar all of this was. He had always been a fitful sleeper, but he seemed so relaxed now.

He groaned again and I watched his eyelids slowly flutter open.

"Morning," he mumbled.

"Hi," I said, suddenly feeling awkward to be lying naked next to this man in my bed. I, of course, had no business feeling that way since I had done anything and everything with this man before, but that still felt like another lifetime.

"What time is it?" he asked.

"A little after seven."

He groaned and rolled onto his back. "Too early."

I rolled my eyes. I never got to sleep in. Even on the weekends. Having kids didn't work like that.

I moved his arm off me and sat up, holding the sheet over my chest.

"I… uhh… I usually run in the mornings with Rose, and Maggie hangs out with Emmett. That's our routine."

"Oh, well she can hang out here with me this morning, unless you wanna take her over there. We'll probably just sleep anyway."

"That's the thing," I said. "I don't really know how to explain… this."

"Oh…"

Yeah. 'Oh' was right.

"Well I just stayed the night. It's not that big a deal."

I frowned. If only he knew how big a deal it really was. I needed to run, though. I needed to think. Clear my head and think.

"Lemme just go check on her," I said. I climbed out of the bed, taking the sheet with me.

"Why are you being so shy?" he asked.

I turned to face him. "Huh?"

He gestured to the sheet. "You don't want me to see you."

Dammit, why did he have to read my freaking mind all the time?

"I'm sorry." Why was I apologizing? "Look, we'll talk when I get back. Let me just go check on her."

I disappeared into the bathroom and pulled some random pajamas out of the laundry basket before walking down the hall. I found Maggie in front of the TV with a bowl of cheerios.

Okay…

"Maggie?"

She turned around. "Hi, Mommy! You and BFF were having a sleepover and I didn't want to wake you guys up. I made breakfast!"

I had to laugh. Whether at the fact I was proud of her for becoming more self-sufficient or because we had been caught by her I didn't know.

"I see that, baby. Do you want to hang out here with Carlisle while I go for a run or would you rather go to Rose's like normal?"

"I wanna stay with BFF! He can have cereal with me. I'll make him breakfast."

I wasn't sure how I felt about that. She had to have climbed on a chair to pour her own cereal. I wasn't letting her do that again. I suddenly felt like I'd failed as mother by letting Carlisle stay over last night. That thought was ridiculous, but my baby had to come first.

Always.

I went back to the bedroom to change, and found Carlisle exactly where I left him. Without a word I changed into my running clothes in front of him. So much for his 'I don't want him to see me' theory.

"Maggie's in the living room eating cereal," I told him. "And she knows you're here."

"She does?"

I nodded. "She usually comes in here in the mornings. She's better than an alarm clock. She must have seen you."

He looked somewhat horrified. "But I'm naked."

"You're covered in blankets. Settle down. Anyway, there's coffee in the kitchen and plenty to eat. Help yourself, and don't let my kid climb on anything. I'll be back in about an hour."

He nodded and didn't say anything, so I hugged Maggie and took off down the front steps.

It was a gray, overcast day and looked like it might rain. The clouds were heavier than usual. Perfect weather to fit my mood.

Not that I wasn't still riding an 'I just got laid' high, but with morning came reality. Waking up with my ex-fiance in my bed wasn't exactly something I ever imagined happening. It was so… familiar. And that scared me. There were so many things I never thought I'd have to face because I never thought I'd see him again. I thought I was doing the right thing — protecting him — by staying away.

Even after Jane died, I stayed away. I left well enough alone. He had his life and I had mine. I never asked Edward about him, and we never talked about him. I knew nothing about his life because I didn't want to. I was protecting my own heart as much as I was protecting everything I had to lose.

I didn't want to ruin his life.

Without even realizing where I was going, I ended up at the cemetery. I turned off the main path toward the second row and hit my knees in front of the fourth headstone. Someone had replaced the flowers recently. Had he been there? Or was it just regular maintenance? I couldn't be sure; but if he had been there, it only furthered my resolve to protect everything I had worked for.

I began to speak as the first drops of rain fell from the sky.

"You ruined everything, you know. We could have had a life together. We could have been happy. He deserves to know her, and you never let him have the chance. Did you really hate me that much that you would keep them apart?

"I get now that all the bullshit you fed me was a lie. He wasn't better off without her. Maybe he was better off without me, but not her. He should have known her. All I've been able to think about for weeks now is the time I robbed them of. Six fucking years that I'll never be able to give back to either of them."

I was crying now — the tears running down my face, mixing with the rain.

"I can't believe I ever listened to you. That I let you bully me into raising my child alone, all because you thought I ruined your son's life. You ruined his life, Jane. Not me. She's his daughter and I can't even tell him!"

I was becoming hysterical and screaming now, but it felt amazing to finally let go of all the pain and anger and heartbreak I had held in for so long.

I banged my fist against the headstone and dropped my head onto my arm.

"She's his daughter," I whispered again. "And she's lived her whole life thinking she didn't have a father. And the whole time — every time she's come home crying because the other kids made fun of her, every time I've heard her praying at night for a dad — I've kept this horrible secret. I did it because I really believed you."

I laughed at the absurdity of it all. "I actually bought your bullshit. And now I have to live with myself knowing I'll never be able to give them that time back."

I sat silently, tears still streaming down my face, until a pair of arms wrapped around me from behind. I let myself fall into my best friend's embrace as she sat behind me.

"How did you know I was here?"

"I got worried when you didn't show up this morning so I swung by the house and Carlisle was there. He told me about last night, and after that it wasn't that hard to figure out where you were."

I laughed humorlessly. "Oh, it wasn't, was it?"

"Nope. I know you better than you know yourself, bestie."

"What am I gonna do, Rose?"

"Are you going to tell him?"

"I have to, but what if he hates me? I can't lose him again. I love him."

"I don't have all the answers, baby," she told me, gripping me tighter. "But I do know this bitch can no longer influence your decisions. Es, if you tell him, it needs to be your choice... and the same if you decide not to tell him."

"I should never have let him get close to me again," I said through my tears. "I'm ruining everything. We were fine. Maggie and I were fine."

"Were you, though?" she asked. "Were you really? You never say a word about it, but I know you've battled yourself for six years over this. I saw it all over your face the day Jane died. I saw the relief that she no longer had that influence, but baby, you've been letting her influence you from beyond the grave. I heard you say you've robbed them of all this time together. So stop, Es. It's time to let this go because if you don't it's gonna end up killing you."

"He's gonna hate me," I whispered.

"He's not."

"I kept his daughter from him!" I yelled. "Fuck, Rose, he's a father and he doesn't even know it. He could walk away from me and fight for custody. He could take her from me!"

I was becoming hysterical again, but all I could think about was protecting my baby. I couldn't lose her. That would kill me more than this secret ever could.

"Shh, Esme. Shhh…" She rocked me back and forth, trying to calm me down, but I was beyond being calmed now. I was freaking out — my mind in a tailspin of turmoil over all the things that could potentially happen in the fallout of this situation.

Somewhere in the background I heard Rose on the phone, but I didn't care. I was still out of it when Emmett scooped me up and put me in their car.

She filled him in on what had happened on the way home while I sat, motionless in the backseat. I had to get control of my emotions. I hadn't intended to freak out the way I did at the cemetery, but I should have known all my fears would spill over someday. I had been so stupid to let him back into my life, and now I could potentially pay a high price.

But Rose was right. I couldn't hold onto this anymore. I couldn't keep Carlisle from his daughter. It wasn't right, and it certainly wasn't fair to either of them. I had to think of what was best for Maggie. She deserved to know her father.

A block from my house Emmett pulled over, put the car in park, and turned around.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

Rose rubbed my arm while I breathed deeply. "I think so."

"Neither of us is going to tell you what to do, but Esme, he loves you. He's not gonna leave you again. You have to decide if you want him in your life with this still hanging over you or not."

I nodded. "I know I have to tell him, but I'm so scared. What if I lose my baby?"

"That's not going to happen, sweetheart," Rose assured me. "You know he wouldn't do that to you. Yes, he's going to be mad, but Carlisle's not cruel. He won't take her from you. He does have rights, though. Whatever the next move is is between the two of you to do what's best for Maggie."

"I know," I said, trying to gather my strength. I had dug myself into this hole, and it was up to me to dig myself out. I could blame Jane all I wanted, but I chose to listen to her. I had to own my part of this mess.

Emmett drove the rest of the way and dropped me off in the driveway with promises that they would always coming running if I needed them.

I took a deep breath and walked in to find Carlisle and Maggie sitting at the table playing Monopoly.

"Your kid's a cheater," Carlisle said in greeting.

"Am not!"

I smiled, trying to cover the sadness I felt at hearing him refer to her as my kid. I wanted to scream at him that she was his kid, too, but I couldn't. Maybe that's why I had never told him. How do you tell someone after six years they have a daughter? How would I ever find the words?

I pushed all thoughts of the mess I was in to the back of my mind and focused on what was in front of me. My daughter. My one and only priority.

"You do cheat, Maggie," I said.

"See! I told you I was onto you."

Carlisle folded his arms across his chest and leaned back, looking triumphant while Maggie huffed and scowled. I sat down at the table with them and untied my shoes. I hadn't gotten much running done, but I still desperately needed to shower. I was soaked from the rain and still felt shaken by my breakdown.

"Do you guys want some lunch?" I asked. "I can make some after a quick shower."

"It's okay," Carlisle said. "I can whip us up something. You go shower and lunch will be ready when you get back."

I raised my eyes incredulously. "You're gonna cook?" This man couldn't even boil water. No way did I trust him with my kitchen.

"Yes, Esme, I'm gonna cook. I've been living on my own for a long time. I learned some things."

More sadness swept through me. He hadn't said it in a hurtful way, but being reminded of our breakup and how long we'd been apart only added to my guilt. I sighed as I entered the bathroom and stripped, turning on the shower. I could hear laughter coming from the kitchen, and once again I was fighting back tears over all the mistakes I'd made.

I couldn't let Maggie see my conflict, though. She was so in tune with people's emotions and could always tell when something was wrong — especially with me. She would be on me in a second, full of questions, if I let on that anything was wrong. Someday I would have to explain everything to her, but I couldn't think about that yet.

One step at a time.

When I came back to the kitchen, Maggie was still sitting at the table, but she had a plate full of grilled cheese this time.

"Hey, you're just in time," Carlisle said, handing me a plate.

"Is this all you can make?" I asked with a laugh. It was such a stereotypical bachelor meal.

"Nah, I can make mac and cheese, too."

"It's good, mommy!" Maggie was bouncing in her seat. She definitely had some energy to run off. It had stopped raining a little before Emmett dropped me off, so maybe I could get her outside later.

Carlisle joined us with his own plate, and they told me about the games they had played while I was gone. It felt oddly natural to be sitting at the table together like this. Like we were a family. I pushed my ever increasing guilt aside and tried to enjoy my daughter's joy.

After lunch, Maggie wanted to go out back and play, so Carlisle and I followed and sat on the deck while she swung on the play set her grandpa had built.

"Is she always this hyper?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, but it's worse right now because it's summer. She'll wear herself out eventually and fall asleep. She's a big napper."

"You're a big napper," he said with a laugh. "At least you used to be."

"Still am. That's one thing she definitely got from me. A deep love of sleep."

"Mommy!" Maggie yelled. "Push me!"

Carlisle watched while I pushed Maggie as high as she wanted. She had always been determined to go all the way around the bar, and I never had the heart to tell her that wasn't going to happen, but she could dream.

"Higher, Mommy, higher!"

Maggie was laughing and smiling, and her excitement was so infectious I almost forgot everything that was weighing on my mind. Almost. Even though Rose and Emmett had done everything they could do to ease my fears, they were still at the back of my mind. It was moments like this that I couldn't lose. My daughter was everything, but I had hurt her enough, keeping her father away from her. She deserved to have Carlisle in her life forever.

They both did.

"Go on the slide with me?" Maggie asked.

"Sure, princess."

I climbed up behind her and she situated herself in my lap while we slid down over and over. By the time I collapsed in the chair next to Carlisle again, I was tired but laughing. I felt so much better than I had this morning. It was amazing the difference time with Maggie could make in my day. She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I had the man next to me to thank for her.

Maggie crawled into my lap a few minutes later, breathing heavy. "You want some water?" I asked her.

She nodded, so we all went to the kitchen and grabbed three bottles.

"I'm glad you're here, BFF," Maggie said, collapsing on the couch. "You make Mommy happy."

I stopped in my tracks, staring at her. She drank her water and bounced her feet against the sofa like she hadn't said a thing, but her words hit me hard.

Was it really that simple in her eyes?

I could tell Carlisle was turning the words over in his head, too.

They were definitely true, but could it really be that straightforward? I told myself no way. It couldn't. There were too many things about this situation that went way over her head, but in truth, if I took all that away, it boiled down to exactly what she saw.

He made me happy.

And I thought I made him happy, too. I had at one time, but so much of that had been lost, and now I was prepared to destroy him again. But even if he hated me and never spoke to me again, I knew Rose was right. He would never turn his back on her. I was giving him more than I was taking away. All I could do was pray he would see that.

.

.

.

I was right in thinking Maggie would crash. She wanted to watch TV, but soon her eyes started closing and not long after she was passed out against the cushions.

I stayed on the couch with her for a few minutes, before I started to wonder what Carlisle was doing. I found him in my bedroom, searching for something in his bag.

"I thought I'd shower," he said.

"Oh, okay."

"Maggie's such a cool kid," he told me. "You're lucky to have her. She's so sweet, too."

"She gets that from you."

Oh shit.

My eyes widened and I slapped my hand over my mouth, realizing what I had just blurted out. I stood absolutely still, waiting for some kind of reaction, but he wasn't moving, wasn't blinking, wasn't doing anything.

Very slowly he put down the shirt he was holding and turned to me.

"What?"

I couldn't help the tears that sprang to my eyes, looking at him. He looked hurt — devastated even. But most of all, he looked confused. I couldn't turn back now. It was time to own all my mistakes.

I hung my head, and whispered again through my tears, "She's your daughter."

You could cut the air between us with a knife. He still hadn't moved, and I didn't dare make eye contact. I wouldn't be able to handle that pain.

I thought hours had gone by when he finally spoke, but it had to have been just a few minutes. His voice was low — broken.

"Why?"

One simple word. Why. It was a question I didn't think I'd ever be able to answer. All my motives had been so twisted and warped for so long. I didn't think I'd ever be able to make up for my mistakes.

"I don't know," I said through my tears. "I thought I was doing what was best so you could have a future."

"A future!" he yelled, making me flinch.

He stood up abruptly and brushed past me. I ran after him down the hall.

"Where are you going?"

He didn't answer. He simply grabbed his phone off the bar and disappeared, slamming the door behind him.

I collapsed against the wall, my tears falling harder. What had I done? Two little hands rubbed my arm, startling me.

"Mommy?"

I couldn't even speak. My daughter needed me and I was too hysterical to form a single word. She sat down next to me. "Are you okay?"

I tried as hard as I could to calm myself down. I had to be okay for my baby girl, but she also deserved my honesty. "No, baby, Mommy's not okay."

She stood up and kissed the side of my head. "It's okay, Mommy. I love you."

I choked out a sob as I wiped my face of tears. "I love you too, baby," I said, pulling her into my arms and rocking her back and forth. "I love you so much."

We sat like that for a long time — her holding me together while I held her. I knew my daughter well enough to know she wanted to fix whatever was wrong with me, and she was doing what she thought would work best. But all I could think about was where Carlisle was and what he was doing.

Would he even come back?

I didn't know. My heart beat hard with uncertainty as the time ticked by. Eventually Maggie fell asleep in my arms. I stood, scooping her up and taking her to my bedroom with me. I laid her down next to me on the bed, and curled myself around my baby.

No matter what happened, she was my number one priority. I wouldn't let anything stand in the way of doing right by my child. And right now I needed her as much as she needed me.

I didn't remember falling asleep, but my eyes snapped open at the sound of keys turning in the front door some time later. Maggie was still sleeping soundly in my arms, but my heart was beating in my ears.

I heard footsteps in the hallway, and then Carlisle stood in my doorway, watching us sadly. He made his way into the room and dropped to his knees beside the bed, stroking Maggie's hair, watching her sleep. It was only then that I got a good look at his face.

Was his nose broken?

There was dried blood caked under it, and a bruise forming under his eye. What the hell had happened when he left?

His eyes met mine while he kept his hand on our daughter.

"Are-"

He cut me off.

"We're not okay," he whispered. "I'm sorry, but I need some time."


Still with me? If it's any help, when prereading anhanninen told me to watch my shins because she's going to kick me for this. And know that I would never, ever New Moon two character without warning. That's not what this is. Next chapter will be Carlisle's view of some of this and will shed a lot of light on a lot of things.

Thanks so much for reading and I'd love to know what you think!