Chapter 11

Jane underestimated her exhaustion. She woke at 3:30, grateful at least that she had set more than one alarm. She jumped off the couch, startling Jo, and sent the blanket cascading to the floor. Running into the bedroom she quickly got dressed in jeans and a nice v-neck t-shirt, before combing her hands through sleep tussled hair. When she walked back into the living room, sneakers in hand, she assessed the state of the apartment. It wasn't a mess, just not quite as put together as she had hoped it would be before Maura came over. She never really worried about that before with her friend, but today's visit felt decidedly different than any other time.

As she rushed around, straightening up the small area, Jane began to panic. She had spent so much thought and energy into getting to the point of open communication, that she hadn't thought of what she was going to say. It was one thing to know what she wanted to tell Maura, but quite another to know how to say it. As she was refolding the blanket to toss back over the couch, an idea struck her. She froze mid fold as she turned it over in her mind.

Since she had figured out what Maura was upset about by approaching their situation like a case, maybe the same approach could help her now. Jane talked to people in various states of emotional upheaval all the time. Maura wasn't a perp, but as the injured party, maybe look at her like a victim. Of course that would make Jane the perp, a thought so unpleasant that she found it hard to breath, so she pushed it aside as best she could. The important thing was that the Doctor felt exposed. She knew that Jane had read at least two of her books, and Maura had poured out her hopes and fantasies into them.

That's when Jane knew what she had to do. She had to offer up something of herself. The smile of realization faded as quickly as it had appeared. How? The letter had been a good start, but it wasn't nearly as personal as Maura's writings. Jane finished with the blanket and swallowed hard. Talking about how she felt was going to be hard enough without worrying her friend might not trust what she had to say or worse, thinking it was pity.

She looked around hoping the answer would just jump out at her, and when she looked over at the kitchen counter, it did. As a plan started to form in her mind, she looked over at the clock. Maura would be here any minute. Forcing herself to move calmly and deliberately, she walked into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of Merlot that Maura had brought over some time ago. They never got around to opening it because her friend said the dinner that night was better paired with the white in Jane's fridge. Opening the bottle to breathe, Jane pulled down the wine glasses and sat them on the counter.

At exactly four, the sound of heals on hardwood could be heard just before a timid knock on the door. The calm she had managed to harness in the last few minutes was forgotten as Jane rushed to the door, quickly unlocking it and pulling it open. She knew it made her look eager, but she didn't care. Maura's hair fluttered forward at the ends, caught in the breeze of the door. She stood poised in a simple grey plaid dress that reminded Jane of smoke and extended just below the knees. Over it, Maura wore a fitted cardigan sweater of the deepest burgundy. She was beautiful.

When Maura looked down at the floor, Jane quickly stepped aside to allow her entrance. Balling her fists then releasing them with a long breath, annoyed at herself for making her friend wait long enough to feel self-conscious. Once she shut the door, Jane turned to see Maura standing just inside fiddling with the small pendant on her necklace. Shifting her weight back and forth like she was building up a running start, Jane finally spoke.

"Uh, thanks for coming, Maur. I admit I was a bit worried you wouldn't want to."

Maura looked up at Jane and dropped her hand to her side. "I said I would, well texted to be more precise, but still, I communicated that I would come. Why would you doubt that?" While her words and slightly higher than normal pitch conveyed her nervousness, her face gave nothing away.

Jane put her hands up in front of her body in a motion of surrender and began talking quickly. "Whoa, Maur. I wasn't doubting your word. I just meant I wasn't sure you'd want to after everything that's been going on the last few days, well week actually. That's all. I'm glad. I'm just really glad you did. I need to tell you some things." When she was done Jane took several deep breaths, having forgotten to breath when she was talking.

Some of the tension seemed to seep from Maura's shoulders but she clasped her hands together in front of herself to prevent more fidgeting. Jane hated this awkwardness between them. She knew she had to get on with her plan before it paralyzed them both. Running a hand through her hair, she motioned to the couch.

"Why don't you make yourself comfortable. I have that red wine you bought. Have a seat and I'll bring you a glass."

Maura nodded and walked over to the sofa. Social graces had been ingrained in her since childhood and always afforded her comfort. Now that Jane's plan was about to go into action, she began to have doubts. But in absence of any better ideas, she gave herself a silent pep talk and walked back to her friend holding the glasses of wine and the object central to her plan tucked under her arm. As she approached, she saw a flash of fear pass through her friend's eyes as she spotted the Kindle.

After handing off the first glass, Jane took the e-reader and laid it on the coffee table between them. Taking a large sip of her wine, Jane set down her glass and looked at her friend. Maura's eyes were still glued to the offending object, her forehead creased and a slight tremble to her lower lip. Jane placed a hand on the Doctor's knee for both comfort and to get her attention.

"It's not what you think, Maura." Jane's voice was soft and her hand gently squeezed the skirt covered knee. "I'm not sure what it is you're thinking. But I brought it over to help talk about me for a minute. Not Margret Bisel."

Maura stared intently at Jane's features, when satisfied Jane was telling the truth, she nodded for Jane to continue.

"Do you remember after that one case, where one of the suspects called me big brother? That night, you spent the entire dinner telling me about Orwell's 1984, Big Brother, and double speak?' Jane was smiling caught up in the memory of the night. "You got so passionate about the idea of shrinking the dictionary as a way to control the people. You even tried to use that as an excuse for when you go all grammar police on me."

Maura smiled than shook her head. "Of course I remember, Jane. But I don't understand what this has to do with anything."

"I already knew, Maur. Not that I didn't love hearing you talk about it, but I read the book."

Maura tilted her head in confusion. "I know, you said you had to read it in high school but didn't remember much."

"I lied." Jane sighed. "It's one of my favorite books. I've read it almost a dozen times over the years."

Jane held her breath for what she said to sink in. She released it when, instead of being upset, Maura just looked more confused.

"But why, Jane?"

"It's a long story, but the short of it, is habit mostly. Look, when I was a 12, I broke my leg right before summer vacation. I hated being cooped up and there is only so much TV a kid can watch. So to get me out of the house, my ma would drop me off at the library that was next to the public pool she would take my brothers to. I read all the Nancy Drew's, Hardy Boys, and Encyclopedia Brown's that were in print, always trying to solve the mystery before they did."

Maura smiled and placed her hand on top of Jane's. "Playing Detective. Though I don't know the last one."

Jane laughed softly. "I'll tell you about them someday. He was more like you than me actually." She grew serious again, focusing on the warmth of Maura's hand. "After my leg healed, reading became my private escape. It's not like I was ashamed, just didn't want anyone's opinions on what I read. Growing up in that house there wasn't much privacy and besides, my brothers always wanted to elbow in on whatever I did."

"They looked up to you."

"I know. But I wanted something I didn't have to share, you know? Anyways, it just stayed like that for me. My thing. Do you understand?"

Maura squeezed Jane's hand. "I understand why you kept this part of you private, but why are you telling me now? Is this why you didn't tell me you were reading the books I wrote?" As she said the last bit, Maura's voice got slightly higher again and she started to pull her hand away but Jane reached out and stopped her.

"Yes and no. I mean, yes, because I don't talk about what I'm reading. But Maura, I didn't know you wrote them. I only figured it out because you got so upset."

"I want to believe you, Jane. But it seems like an awfully big coincidence. I mean, why would you read lesbian romance to start with?"

Jane took a deep breath and looked down at their intertwined hands. "Because I wanted to."

"Why Jane?"

When the Detective looked up she saw her friend's eyes pleading with her. "Because I am one. A lesbian. I'm gay, Maur."

Maura just stared at Jane unsure of how to process this information. It true Jane style, she deflected with a joke.

"Geeze, Maur. Don't go catatonic on me already. There is still a lot more I have to tell you."

Maura pulled her hand away and this time Jane let her. The pressure in Jane's chest that had lessened with her confession began to return the longer the Doctor remained silent. Maura stared down at her hands and began twisting her ring. When she spoke her voice sounded small.

"Why are you saying this, Jane? I mean, if it were true, why did you keep it from me? You have always been very insistent on your heterosexuality." She swallowed audibly. "I don't need your pity."

Everything in Jane's head was screaming at her to come completely clean. To tell Maura why she hid it from her. But as much as she was sure from the books that Maura felt the same way about her, taking that next step was terrifying. She reached out to steady Maura's hands and took a deep breath.

"I don't pity you, Maura. This is all kind of new to me."

Maura looked up, tears slowly rolling down the sides of her cheeks. "New? How new? Are you sure it has nothing to do with Margaret Bisel? I told you before, we are most attracted to those people who are attracted to us. How do you suddenly know you're gay?"

The tightness in Jane's chest had moved up to her throat it she was finding it difficult to speak. She should have just stuck to the plan. Damn Maura and her questions. Evidence. Maura needed evidence. The sound of Jo whining and scratching at the door made up the Detective's mind for her.

"Look, Maur. I get that it's hard to trust what I'm saying. And if you don't trust this, it's going to make everything else I need to tell you a whole lot harder. I promise I will tell you everything and answer any questions you might have when I get back."

Maura's head shot up and her breathing became quick in shallow. "You're leaving?!"

Pulling her hands free, Jane wrapped her arms around her friend and placed a kiss to the side of her temple. "Shhh, not like that. Relax, sweetie. I promise everything will be OK. I need to take Jo out for a quick walk and I want you to look at something while I'm out. After that, we have all night. OK?"

She didn't relax her arms until she felt Maura nod. When she pulled back, Jane used her thumbs to wipe the tears from her friend's cheeks. Only after Maura's breathing returned to normal, did Jane back away. First she picked up the Doctor's glass and handed it to her. Maura drank it quickly and Jane exchanged the empty glass for the Kindle. Before releasing it, Jane explained.

"I wanted you to look through this. Partly because I wanted to share it with you, but more to reassure you. Your books are the last ones I bought. I want you to see what I've been reading this past year. I need you to know what I'm saying is the truth."

Seeing the vulnerability in Jane's open expression, Maura fully took the Kindle from her.

"Do you want another glass of wine before I head out?" Jane asked as she stood up.

Maura cleared her throat and reached for the glass. "Yes, please."

Once Jane had handed off the wine, she squeezed her friend's shoulder. "I'll be right back"

Leash in hand, Jane headed out the door with Jo.