Finding My Way Back
Lights out, sucker punched, siked out
Caught a love wave, rode it, then I wiped out
Two ships just passing in the night now
Offshore looking for a lighthouse
Revealed, you said that it was painless
Down and out drowning in the sea of my anguish
Funny, you always said hope floats
Comprehended but I can't cope, So I
Gotta find my way back, way back, to you baby
Trying to find my way back, way back, to you baby
Gotta find my way back, way back, to you to us
To love
2 Months Later
"$40,365.45."
"Per month?"
"No sir, per week."
"You're saying that we stand to lose $40K per week if we delay this shoot?" Cyrus yelled indignantly. He was sure that he ripped more than a few strands of hair out of his head in frustration. Accounting guys were known for being pessimistic, preferring to give the worse possible scenario but this was beyond potential forecasting; this could be devastating. And it was truthful, Cyrus knew he could trust the figures; it wasn't an exaggeration. As CFO, he had hoped for a figure that would be less debilitating.
The studio was already losing money due failed movie in the theaters; it was not generating the revenue they needed and since it was continuously being bashed by critics, there was no chance it would pick up in ticket sales; they wouldn't break even.
The accounting rep faltered but attempted to muster up the courage to keep speaking. "Yes that's what I'm saying...it's the contractual obligations. Unless you break the contracts especially with the foreign location film crews, you will continuously lose money paying people to stand around and do nothing."
"Alright enough, Greg,.."
"Tom, sir, my name is Tom."
Cyrus waived a dismissive hand and said "Whatever. Leave the spreadsheets and you can go."
The timid man scurried out of the room with all possible haste.
Cyrus turned to the room, "Options?"
"Continue with the scheduled shooting. Follow the plan; go to Paris and start the filming immediately. We cannot afford to lose the money," Gerry rashly suggested.
"I agree, besides if this movie is going to be delayed; then I will accept another role. There's no use in me sitting around twiddling my fingers when I could be working," Mellie exclaimed.
"Mellie, you're not going anywhere. Unless we decide to let you out of the contract; you are tied to this studio for at least the next year. So whether or not we film immediately, you won't be taking up any other projects," Jackson started. He had no idea why Mellie was in the room and his frown told her she was unwanted.
Mellie was outraged. She looked at Gerry and Cyrus but each intentionally avoided her gaze.
Jackson turned his attention to Gerry and firmly stated, "Secondly, you are not going to push ahead with traveling to Paris or London. As I told you our permits for both countries fell through. I don't know how it happened; someone must have dropped the ball. I'm dealing with it but that's beside the point. Getting permits for any other foreign locations would take minimum 4 months."
He continued, "You can break the contracts. There are fees to be calculated that you will have to pay; but they are nominal compared to what you could be paying."
Cyrus threw his hands up in the air, "I cannot believe this happening. In all my years I have never seen anything like this."
"Well not to add insult to injury but your story editors need to do another look at the script. The writer and co-writer are in some sort of dispute. The co-writer claims that some of the story may resemble other movies and he's afraid of being accused of plagiarism. He wants some type of assurance, although I have no idea what that would look like, before he will agree to put his name on this movie. I recommend your editors dig deep to make sure that there is not even a hint of copying any TV Show, commercial or movie."
"So what you're saying is everyone pretty much dropped the fucking ball on this one," Cyrus yelled.
Jackson said nothing. Cyrus and Gerry began a sidebar heated discussion of their options. Mellie took out her phone and started sending messages. And Fitz sat there, silent, furiously typing on his laptop.
"Can I talk to you outside?" Jackson asked Fitz, who looked up from his computer screen for the first time since the meeting started over 30 minutes ago. Fitz nodded and followed him out of the conference room.
"Tell me you didn't do it," Jackson accused after he made sure the hallway was clear.
"Do what? What are you talking about?"
"Sabotage your own movie…Cyrus is right, I've never see a movie come apart at the seams like this. It seems orchestrated, intentional. It seems like something someone would do if they didn't really want to go ahead with the filming; like they didn't want to leave the country but had another pressing, more important reason to stay here."
He looked pointedly at his brother. This wasn't Fitz and he normally wouldn't accuse him of something like this but he felt justified in questioning his involvement considering their conversation last week.
"How many times?"
"I've lost count…everyday…sometimes twice a day…but no response. It always goes straight to voice mail."
"You messed this one up bad Fitz."
"You think I don't know that!...You think I don't know that I left her there alone, scared and unsure of herself; unsure of me! I knew….I knew as soon as the boat took off…I knew I had just made the biggest mistake of my life….I called her as soon as we got here. I talked to her for an entire hour but I could tell that she had already disconnected from me. The conversation was…detached. All she kept saying was "I'm fine" "Everything's fine" "I'm OK".
"Oh god…you know that is the farthest from what she meant." Jackson's experienced taught him that when women said they were 'fine' it normally meant the exact opposite.
"I know," Fitz sounded defeated. "I know, I apologized over and over again. I hate myself for what I did to her. I got caught up in my own head and did the most stupid thing I have ever done."
Jackson wanted to remind him that he had cautioned Fitz against leaving without really talking to Olivia but Fitz didn't listen and now he was miserable. But it would do no good as his brother was already hurting over his mistake.
"So what are you going to do?"
"She said I was right and that we need a break. But I can't…I need to get to her but I'm tied to this shoot. The only way my contract is broken is if the studio voluntarily releases me of the obligation. But I have got to get to Catalina. I have to see her before it's too late….before we get so far gone that she no longer wants anything to do with me. Liv….she's the love of my life and she won't even talk to me."
The desperation in Fitz's voice is what stuck with Jackson. He had never seen his brother like this; it was almost as if he would do anything to get out of this movie deal.
Fitz was shaking his head, "Jack, you overestimate my abilities. Why would you think I have the authority to do all those things? And I don't want the movie to fail."
Jackson stared at his brother and even if Fitz would never admit it, he could tell he was lying.
"Some good people are going to lose money and their jobs because of this," Jackson warned.
"You can fix it so that everyone keeps their job," Fitz suggested. It was the closest he was going to come to admitting anything.
"I can," Jackson took a deep breath and began to pace the hallway. He could shuffle things around; create documents wrapped in legalese that no one could understand or decipher to justify the delayed shoot and the broken contracts. It could be done. It wasn't impossible. "But the money…I guess I could…."
"No!...You're already doing enough. I won't have you fixing payroll too. I'll pay for it….Whatever salary someone is losing, take it out of mine or I will pay out of pocket. It doesn't matter," the desperation was back in Fitz's voice.
"There is still the possibility that this won't work." Jackson wasn't certain if he meant the plan to delay the movie or Fitz's attempt to make up with Olivia; maybe he meant both.
"I know…but I can't function like this. I couldn't even focus on a movie right now, even if I tried. I need to make this right with her…I have to."
"Alright…we'll figure it out, let's go back in there."
XXXXXX
With a cup of black coffee with two extra shots in hand, Gerry stood staring out his office window. It was his second cup and it was still mid-morning. He needed his wits about him; he had to figure out a way out to appease the board and the investors. Losing more money was not an option. He didn't know how many more hits the studio could take before it was evident to all that they were on a sinking ship. He knew he could save the company, all he needed was one great, blockbuster movie and this was it; he was certain of it. If only they could get it filmed.
A knock came to his door and before he could tell the person that he was not to be disturbed, Mellie walked in. Gerry spared her a glance over his shoulder before turning back to his view of the city. Los Angeles was a smog-filled, overcrowded city but he preferred looking at it than the sight of the unwelcome visitor.
"Your assistant wasn't at her desk. I know you won't mind that I showed myself in. Your open-door policy still stands right?" Mellie asked coyly before taking a seat in front of Gerry's desk.
"What can I help you with Mellie?" Gerry replied. He kept his back to her lest she see the look of loathing in his eyes. He didn't know how it happened but gradually he had come to detest this woman. As beautiful as she was on the outside, in the inside she had proven to be rotten. One drunken evening he made a grave mistake and she was making him pay for it every single day since then.
"I'm surprised you didn't come to my defense when Jackson was attacking me? But I trust you will take care of that and make sure it never happens again?"
He would do no such thing but he remained silent.
Mellie paid no attention to his silence; she viewed it as an invitation to continue speaking. "You made certain promises to me about this movie Gerry and I intend to see that you keep them. You have to make this movie happen; there is no option for either of us. I was really counting on that alone time with Fitz but it appears that someone screwed that up too. So I'll need you to talk to him, wear him down, and do what you have to do. You said you would help me get us back together and I want to believe you. I'm not getting any younger and this needs to happen sooner rather than later. So….," she finally stood, "you know, work your magic and handle it."
Gerry waited until he heard the door closing. He still didn't turn around but now his thoughts were focused on something entirely different. Mellie was an albatross, a millstone hanging around his neck and choking him. He didn't take orders from other people, he gave them. He had indulged her for far too long; gave her too much power over his person. He took a deep breath; a renewed sense of purpose filling his system; he would be damned if he let someone like that back into his family again.
XXXXXX
"Here….it looks like you could use this," Elle said as she handed Fitz a glass.
"I thought we weren't drinking tonight…not in front of the kids," Fitz said as he smiled and accepted the glass.
"It's just red wine…It won't affect you much…not like your scotch."
Elle met Fitz in the library. Their family dinner had concluded and Jackson, Gina and the girls had gone home. Gerry had gone to bed. Fitz wanted to leave but Elle asked for a moment alone with him.
"I had expected to see Olivia with you tonight," Elle said pointedly as she sat across from her son. She watched as Fitz's features darkened. He had been despondent all evening; not engaging in conversation, only speaking when spoken to.
"No not tonight," Fitz offered politely as he took a sip of the wine.
"How long has it been since you've slept?" Elle asked after several moments of silence.
"What?"
"Fitz, I know my sons….I know when you're happy and I know when you're depressed because you've messed up badly. It's obviously not the movie…that topic has been hashed and rehashed over and over already. So it has to be Olivia…What did you do?"
Fitz smirked. It was no use pretending that it wasn't all his fault. It was no use pretending that he wasn't ashamed of how he acted. So he told his mother the entire story including Olivia's condition, how he found out, how she apologized profusely and how he rejected her. He told her of the repeated phone calls, voice messages, and text messages with no response.
His mother listened attentively; her face expressionless, non-judgmental; for which he was thankful. He already judged himself harsh enough.
"Why are you here?" she asked. And when a look of confusion came upon his face, she clarified, "Why are you not in Catalina…why are you not there, explaining yourself in person to Olivia?"
"I've been there; several times…I've tried. She's gone. She took a leave of absence from her job…I don't know where she is…But I need to find her…I have to talk to her."
Fitz was so frustrated he stood up and began pacing the room. "I can't understand why I would treat her that way…I love her…why would I…and now I can't…." he couldn't continue. He couldn't find the words to express how everyday he felt her slipping away from him; everyday he felt her love for him fading and everyday he felt her looking for a way to move on without him and he was helpless to do anything about it.
The silence stretched on as the ticks of the grandfather clock on the wall moved steadily forward. She watched as he continued to pace; waiting for the realization to come to him that as much as he wanted truth from Olivia, he had to be willing to give truth to her as well.
When he finally stopped, the look of anguish made her want to gather him into her arms as she would do when he was a child but that would not do now. He was a man and motherly coddling was the last thing he needed.
"Oh Fitz….you're trying to block it out of your mind; pretend it didn't happen; to pretend that it didn't matter…like you're over it, but you're not. Just because you hide it doesn't mean you're over it."
"Mom, don't…It's not…."
"It is…We never talk about it…you never talk about it and it's affecting you now…it's going to continue to affect your relationship with Olivia….You need to tell her… you have to make sure you explain why you are so hurt. Why you reacted the way you did."
She continued, "Sometimes, son, sorry is just not enough. People may accept it but they will always wonder why. They want to know why a person did what they did; what made them act that way….You can say you're sorry to Olivia and promise never to treat her in such a harsh way ever again and she may accept it but really she will always wonder why….She deserves to know Fitz….she deserves to know about the child you lost…and how you lost it."
XXXXXX
1 Month Later
"Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III!"
He chuckled at the use of his full name.
"When I agreed to face-time it was with the understanding that we would do this at a reasonable hour. It's 2AM!"
"Sorry, Kelsey," he replied sheepishly.
"Do you sleep?...Nevermind, don't answer that question. I can look at you and tell that you don't sleep." She sighed heavily and rested her head in her hand. These two people were literally going to be the death of her. "So why aren't you in Paris or London?"
"Let's just say the film was delayed."
"Mmmm, and I'm supposed to believe that you had nothing to do with the sudden delay?"
He smiled and she laughed.
"Nothing's changed Fitz," Kelsey said seriously, once she quieted down. After failing to get Olivia to respond to him, Fitz started calling Kelsey. At the very least he needed to make sure Olivia was safe and sound. He apologized to her for how he treated her cousin and expressed his commitment to getting Olivia back in his life. Kelsey couldn't promise to help him; not because she didn't want to, only because she promised Olivia. In the meantime, she would relay messages to Olivia on his behalf.
He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. He didn't know what else to do; what else to say.
"Just give her time Fitz…She needed to see her father and spend some time with him…She'll come back; she knows you love her; she just needs time."
How much time? He wanted to ask but dared not. When he asked for time, she didn't challenge him; she accepted whatever he wanted. He guessed she was a lot stronger than he was.
"I can't believe I screwed this up so bad," he said; his voice filled with remorse that he was certain to carry with him for a long time.
"We all make mistakes. What matters is how we own up to them and try to right our wrongs. She knows you're trying but she….she needs to be ready to receive it too."
Kelsey debated on whether to say her next words, wondering if Olivia would consider it a breach of trust. But she decided to take the chance; she would deal with Olivia's anger later.
"Olivia had a hard time growing up…dealing with parents that didn't seem to want you around damages a child. It isolates them and cripples them emotionally. She built up a shell of protection and created life for herself where she could get some semblance of happiness but nothing really worked. And then when she found out about her condition, she secluded herself even more. She never really thought she was good enough…not for her parents, not for Matthias and not for you. She's trying to deal with it but a lot of years of damage can't be fixed over night."
"I didn't…."
"I know. She doesn't talk about it. She won't even tell me the entire story…I just thought you should know. I'm sure she will tell you more when she's ready."
"Thanks Kelsey. I know she didn't give you permission to tell me but thanks anyway. I won't push her. I'll wait for her to be ready. It's killing me," he chuckled, "but I'll wait. There's nothing else for me to do; nothing else I can do."
"She's worth it Fitz."
"She's definitely worth it," he agreed fervently.
They were about to end the call when Kelsey teased, "And try to ease up on the gym a bit. I mean you still look as good as ever but I swear your biceps are almost as big as your head" It was an exaggeration but she did notice that his physique was becoming much more defined. It was obvious that he was using exercise as a way to ease his anxiety over the situation.
"OK I'll try and by the way, next time a guy asks you to face time, you may want to take off your head scarf first." Fitz joked.
"Hey you're family…you're allowed to see me at my worse."
Fitz laughed but he felt better than he had in months. If Kelsey thought of him as family then maybe there was still hope.
We got lost, lines got crossed
And the light turned to static baby
And then I jumped ship, got caught up in the current,
And it carried both of us away
We were so much better
When we were together
And I just can't let you slip away, So I
Gotta find my way back, way back, to you baby
Trying to find my way back, way back, to you baby
Gotta find my way back, way back, to you to us
To love
XXXXXX
It was their last night on the boat and Jenny felt like celebrating. She lit candles and placed them in every available space she could find. She got takeout food form his favorite restaurant and set places for them at the small makeshift table.
She was so proud of Stephen. He got them a house and made the decision to move them off the boat. He wanted her to have more space. He wanted her to live in an actual home. He was taking her to see the house tomorrow. He wanted it to be a surprise and it took everything in her not to wear him down and force him to tell her where the house was. She forced herself to be patient; knowing she would be rewarded for it.
She hummed to herself as she continued to make sure everything was perfect for him. She couldn't believe how far they had come in such a short period of time. She wondered if he would ever introduce her to his parents or when she should introduce him to her family. She would follow his lead; if there was one thing she learned, it was not to push Stephen to do anything. He made decisions in his own time and in his own way.
She checked the time and realized that he should have been home already but with Olivia away he probably got hung up at the hospital dealing with more patients than normal. She checked her appearance one more time before counseling herself to stop being so anxious. She would sit and watch TV until she heard his footsteps.
Before long, TV was watching her. She had dozed off. And in her deep slumber she didn't notice that the swaying of the boat made several candles fall over, igniting some of the flammable items in the cabin. The fire became an inferno and Jenny slept on; smoke filling her nostrils and rendering her unconscious.
XXXXXX
"Liv."
"Liv."
"Livvy, please say something."
After several minutes, she finally whispered, "You never call me Livvy."
"In my mind…in my dreams I do," Fitz responded. He was afraid to say anything more; afraid he would say the wrong thing and spook her. He gripped the phone tighter, pressing it closer to his ear, not wanting to miss a moment; hearing her breathe was like life to him. "I miss you," the words came out of his mouth before he could stop them. He closed his eyes, hoping that she would receive them well and that she believed him. He had said it over and over again in his messages but now that he was actually talking to her it was like the first time; the first opportunity he was given to express himself.
"Why aren't you in Europe?" She already heard one explanation from Kelsey but she needed to hear the reason from him.
"I couldn't….I can't…not now…not when we…I just don't want to do that right now." I want to be with you.
Silence.
"I want you to know that I've listened to your messages. I'm not ignoring you. I just needed some time to myself."
"I know and I understand. I wasn't trying to push you Livvy…I just needed you to know how much I care about you." Please come home.
"Why?...Why are you so sure that we should be together? Maybe…maybe we shouldn't…maybe this was…"
He couldn't let her finish, "I know that we should be together Livvy. I know that I love you; I know that I will always love you…Sometimes things happen to us in life and they leave us…cold…unfeeling…doubtful of people, doubtful of true love. I was like that….you were like that. And then one day in a coffee shop we ran into each other…we found each other and we connected; something sparked between us immediately and we couldn't deny or ignore it. It's there and it will always be there. There is no other person for me and no one will ever love you like I do Livvy, no one."
He waited in silence. He knew she needed time to process his words but she knew they were true. She wanted to fight against it; find the easy way out; take the road with less obstacles but she couldn't because that road was traveled alone. She didn't want to be alone; she wanted to be with him. He was her home.
"Livvy?"
"I'm here…I just…I called because I just needed to hear your voice…I just needed to connect with you for one minute…to know that I didn't imagine what we had…that it was real…that you were real…and that we loved each other."
He didn't like that she spoke of their love in past tense. "We do love each other...we do. Everything we have is real. We love each other and love allows for forgiveness. Please forgive me Livvy, please come back."
He could tell she was crying. It pained him to be the one to cause her tears and for the millionth time he cursed himself for how he handled everything. If she came back, he promised himself he would never to take their love for granted and spend his life making sure she knew that she was good enough; more than enough; more than he ever dreamed; more than he deserved.
"Thank you Fitz…I love you." Olivia disconnected the call.
(A/N: Hello all. I normally don't do that but I felt like I needed to include the lyrics and let you in on the song inspiration that I had for this chapter - "Finding My Way Back" by Jaheim. It seemed like the perfect song for Fitz. He makes mistakes but he is great at trying to fix them, isn't he? And you can't count him out, just yet, sometimes he really surprises you. I'm sorry you didn't get much of Liv in this chapter but she's coming. In this chapter you got to see what happened with the movie; I love Fitz and Jackson working togther, don't you? Gerry is a bit of a wildcard and Elle was just perfect in advising Fitz. Fitz had a child and somehow lost it...so sad. You will get more on that later. Poor Jenny, do you think she died? And the OLITZ phone call almost left me in tears. Until next time, I hope you will leave reviews and comments; I love each and everyone of them. Thank you again for taking the time out of your own personal lives to keep up with this story.)
