I'm just going to assume that FanFiction ate your reviews, guys. Yeah. Last chapter got zero reviews...
With this, we are now fully caught up. Anything new will have to be written by me first, which unfortunately I've not been in a very good state of mind to do recently...
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Chapter Eleven: Mann vs. Monster
Link couldn't remember the last time he had had such a good night's sleep. The bed was more comfortable than anything he had slept in before. The covers were soft and warm, the pillow was fluffy, and the mattress was the right mix between firm and soft. In the back of his slumbering mind, the young hero just wanted to essentially hibernate in this little slice of heaven for a whole week.
Fat chance of that happening.
Link and Navi were quite suddenly and rudely jolted awake by a horrendous wail that rang in his sensitive Hylian ears. He was startled so badly he tumbled out of his bed, entangling himself in his covers in his groggy efforts to grab the Master Sword.
Before either of them could comment on the wailing cries, the door burst open, revealing a rather-harried Sniper.
"Get dressed 'n ready, lad!" he commanded urgently.
"W-what's going on?" Link asked worriedly through a yawn he failed to suppress.
"We just got word from the Royal Army less than ten minutes ago: Ganondorf's armies 're headin' our way! Now get movin'!"
Sniper then rushed off, leaving the door cracked open enough for Link to hear the sounds of the mercenaries chattering amongst each other worriedly as they bustled about.
"Let's go, Link!" Navi urged.
Link got his tunic back on and his weapons equipped as fast as he could before joining the commotion outside his room. The other mercenaries were gathered in the kitchenette, some of them quickly chugging mugs of a steaming black liquid Link didn't recognize.
"What's going on?" Link demanded.
"One'a the Hylian soldiers came through the teleporter a little bit ago," Engineer explained. "Their scouts report that Ganondorf's split his army in two. One's headed for Kakariko, the other's comin' right at us. We're lookin' at thousands'a enemy troops lined up against us."
Link paled in shock. "But there's just ten of us! We need to evacuate!"
Engineer shook his head. "Not a chance in hell, son. This ain't our first rodeo."
"Trust us when we say we faced far worse in ze Robot Wars," Spy pointed out.
Heavy grinned evilly. "We will turn Ganondorf's monsters into baby food."
"So what's the plan?" Link asked.
"We've already told the Lons t'take shelter in the emergency bunker," Engineer answered. "No matter what happens, they'll be safe 'n sound. Sniper, git on up t'the lookout tower 'n keep an eye out for the enemy. Soldier, go on 'n raise them colors high."
"Yessir!" Soldier saluted eagerly before rushing off.
"Ah'll set up shop near the gate 'n try t'mow down as many as Ah can. The rest'a you will take up positions behind me. Pair yerselves up 'n don't get separated, we might face some teleporters showin' up behind us, so keep a lookout. Don't let 'em flank us. Medic, make sure ya keep 'em all in top shape. Übercharge anyone who might be in danger'a bein' overwhelmed."
"Jawohl," Medic agreed.
"What do you want me to do?" Link asked.
"Go with Medic," Engineer ordered. "He's got somethin' he needs t'give ya 'fore this all starts."
Link noticed the sinisterly-eager glint in the German's eye and uncertainly responded, "Uh, are we gonna have time for…whatever he plans to do?"
"They won't be on us fer another couple hours," Engineer said. "The operation shouldn't take more 'n half an hour."
"Raus, Herr Link, ve must not delay!" Medic urged eagerly, grinning in anticipation.
Left with no other choice, Link followed the mad scientist out the door over to the research center. On the way, he noticed Soldier raising three flags up a tall flagpole. The one on top was a flag with red and white stripes surrounding a blue box inside which were arranged fifty white stars. Below it was the more familiar symbol of Hyrule's Royal Insignia, and below that was a light blue flag with the Builder's League United logo emblazoned on it. Soon they reached the lab, Link watching as Medic fished a key out of his pocket and unlocked the door. "Come in, Herr Link!" Medic bade.
Link uncertainly followed after him. Navi, taking absolutely no chances with the doctor, hid herself under Link's hat as he followed Medic through the lab. Everything was unnaturally clean and white, a sterile smell hanging in the air. Various tables, beakers, and chemical compounds were arranged neatly all around them. But they strode past these until they entered a room labeled "INFIRMARY".
There were several hospital beds arranged in rows, but they continued on past even these until they reached a door at the back labeled "OPERATING ROOM".
"Ve're here!" Medic cheerfully declared, holding the door open for Link.
The boy hero uncertainly accepted the invitation and entered, Medic shutting the door behind him. Link took a moment to inspect his surroundings. There was a wire frame bed situated in the middle of the room, with a metal crane hovering over top, into which Medic's Medi-Gun was attached. Along the walls were various cabinets and drawers, as well as scattered papers and graphs that neither Link nor Navi could make heads or tails of. Pinned onto a bulletin board were various anatomical diagrams of monsters, with notes indicating what each organ was. Then Navi in particular saw something that made her tiny little heart stop cold: an anatomical drawing of a fairy. It was heavily-detailed, with notes on the different organs and theories about which ones allowed for usage of magic. It had even deduced that a fairy's glow was due to their fluorescent, magic-saturated blood, which made fairies glow brighter or fainter depending on how fast their hearts were beating.
There was only one way Medic could have managed to obtain such in-depth knowledge of fairy anatomy, something no one else in the whole of Hyrule had ever gained access to.
Navi felt like she would faint any moment now as the horror sunk in.
Medic had successfully captured and dissected a lesser forest fairy like her during the last seven years.
Having not noticed Navi's silent breakdown, Link paused at the sight of the white box with two doors while Medic began fiddling with his Medi-Gun's settings again. Not wanting to interrupt the doctor, Link slowly gripped the handle and opened the door, peering inside curiously.
He was immediately greeted by the sight of a severed Moblin's head.
Which was still alive.
"Kiiiiiillll meeeeeeeeee," the Moblin groaned weakly, its piggish eyes wide and pleading.
"YAAAAAH!" Link screamed, slamming the door shut in horror and revulsion and scrambling backward. "W-what in Din's name?!"
Medic rolled his eyes, not looking up from his work. "Ignore him. He's just being dramatic."
"Medic, there is a talking Moblin head in this white box! WHY?!" Link cried, nearly panicking.
"For science!" Medic cheerfully replied, like it was the most obvious answer in the world.
Navi had had it up to here.
Racing out of Link's hat, she flitted right up into Medic's face, her blue glow turning into a dangerous, rage-fueled red. "Yooouu," she growled in the most terrifying voice Link had ever seen her use as she shook violently, "are…despicable! You murdered an innocent forest fairy, and are subjecting that monster to a fate worse than death, all in the name of science?! This isn't science! This is butchery! How can you even live with yourself?! What kind of doctor tortures people?! I won't let you include Link in your sick experiments, you hear…"
Navi never finished her tirade, for Medic, in a rather bored fashion, held up a spray bottle and squirted some kind of gas right into her face. To Link's shock, she dropped like a rock into Medic's outstretched hand, her red glow turning back to her usual serene blue.
"What did you do to her?!" Link demanded.
"I hit her vith a little sleeping gas of my own creation," Medic matter-of-factly replied as he unceremoniously dumped her in the fridge next to the Moblin head. "She should vake up again in half an hour, and ve should be done by zen!"
Link was not put at ease by this as he uttered, "And what, exactly, are we doing?"
"I am going to perform a surgery in vhich I vill attach an Übercharge device to your heart," Medic explained, holding up what Link assumed was the device in question. "Once installed, it vill allow me to initiate vhat I call an Übercharge vith my Medi-Gun, vhich vill make you invincible for a short time!"
As much as Link was put off by Medic being, well, Medic, he had to admit that sounded like it would come in handy in a tight spot.
"Have you even done this before?" Link asked.
"Of course!" Medic replied. "I first did it on myself, actually! Und zen I performed ze operation on all of my ozzer teammates, even Herrs Spy and Engineer, just in case! You have no reason to be vorried!"
Link was, of course, very much worried, but if the doc said he had done it before…
"Let's just…get this over with, then," Link sighed, leaning his sword up against the wall. "What do you need me to do?"
"First, if you vould be so kind as to remove your shirt, Herr Link," Medic said.
Link uncertainly did so, feeling the cool air of the room nip at his bare skin and give him goosebumps.
"Now lay down on ze operating table," Medic continued, watching as Link hesitantly did so, shivering as he felt the cold metal brush against his skin. "Wunderbar!"
Link watched as Medic flicked on the Medi-Gun, and immediately felt the effects of its healing properties. Given he was fairly new to it, the healing haze managed to dull his senses a slight amount, as well as significantly dull his ability to feel pain, which worked in Medic's favor. As such, Link only felt the slightest prickle as Medic picked up a scalpel and, slowly and methodically, sliced a long line from the base of his collarbone to just beneath his navel. It wasn't long before Medic had the entirety of Link's innards exposed for the world to see.
Slowly, Link began to recover from the initial euphoria of the healing haze, and looked down to see that his ribcage and organs were exposed.
It was the most horrifying yet morbidly-fascinating thing he had ever seen.
It was with monumental effort that Link fought the urge to panic at the sight, knowing that any movement could very well kill him, or worse, annoy the doctor.
"S-s-should I e-even be awake for t-t-this?" Link stammered weakly, not knowing how much talking could affect the operation.
Medic managed a small chuckle. "Technically no, but I like to talk to my patients vhile I perform ze surgery. Now don't be alarmed, but I have just removed your heart."
"You what?" Link wheezed, his eyes wide as dinner plates.
Sure enough, Medic was holding up Link's still-beating, blood-soaked heart rather proudly.
"Do not vorry," Medic assured him. "Ze Medi-Gun is keeping you alive. As long as you don't move, of course."
Link gulped, watching as Medic set his heart, by Nayru's love his damned heart, on a metal tray behind him.
"It's quite fascinating, actually," Medic said conversationally as he poked around Link's insides for a bit, readying them all for the Über device's installation. "Apart from your elongated ears and enhanced hearing, you Hylians look exactly ze same on ze inside as us humans. Same organs arranged ze same vay."
"Um, okay?" Link uttered uncomfortably.
Medic mumbled something unintelligible to himself before he finished up with Link's innards. "Now, most human hearts cannot vithstand ze voltage of an Über device," he spoke up as he picked up Link's heart and unceremoniously jammed the device into it, flipping a switch. "But ve can alvays hope for ze best, can't ve?"
Link's heart promptly exploded in Medic's hands with a nasty 'SPLORK'.
Link just looked at the ruined mess soaking into Medic's gloves in slack-jawed horror.
"M-my heart…what?!" was all he could say in his shock.
Medic, however, seemed unperturbed by this. "It vas vorth a shot," he shrugged, turning towards the fridge. "Not to vorry, I have a backup!" Medic then fished out a somewhat larger heart from the fridge. "Baboon hearts have never failed me yet!"
Medic stabbed the device into the baboon heart, which started to glow and pulsate.
"Did I ever tell you how I lost my medical license, by ze vay?" Medic casually asked.
Link just stared up at the ceiling, tuning out Medic's story. This is all just a bad dream, he thought hysterically to himself. That's it. Soon I'll wake up back in my room, and everything will be completely normal.
"…and vhen ze patient voke up, his skeleton vas missing, and ze doctor vas never heard from again!" Medic finished, his mad laughter shaking Link out of his thoughts before the doc noticed the baboon heart had accepted the device. "Ooh, zat looks good!"
Link watched as Medic dropped the Übered baboon heart into his chest cavity. "Now, hold shtill. I don't vant to break any rib bones like I did vith Herr Heavy."
If Link's skin could pale any further than it already had, it would have done so. Medic grunted as he shoved Link's new heart as gingerly as he could into place, thankfully not snapping any bones, though Link did grit his teeth in pain. Noticing this, Medic admonished, "Oh, don't be such a baby. Ve're done!"
"W-we are?" Link exclaimed in hysterical relief.
In answer, Medic moved the Medi-Gun closer to Link's chest and increased the intensity, and Link watched with relief and fascination as his whole body healed itself up, good as new. It didn't even leave a scar, like it had never happened at all. Link put a hand on his chest, feeling the intense heartbeat inside it, and took a deep breath. He had to admit, he felt a surge of adrenaline that made him feel like he could take on the world. Medic offered him a hand, but given that it was still encrusted with the remains of Link's original heart, the boy hero declined and stood up on his own, rubbing his forehead with a sigh.
What an ordeal, he thought tiredly.
He was jolted out of his reverie as heard a persistent thumping noise coming from the fridge.
"It vould appear ze Fraulein is avake!" Medic chirped, opening the door.
Navi immediately flew out, glowing red again as she dove at the doctor.
"WHY I OUGHTA…!" she screamed wildly, but was abruptly stopped by Link's hand.
"Navi, calm down, he's finished," Link told her.
"WELL I'M NOT FINISHED WITH HIM!" Navi shrieked, enraged.
"Navi, please!" Link implored. "He's not worth it."
Navi raged silently for several minutes before she slowly began to calm down. "Alright…fine. But I don't want him coming anywhere near me or you unless I say so!"
"I make no promises, Fraulein," Medic declared plainly, opening the door. "Now, go and get ready vhile I clean up here."
Once Link had dressed himself and left with Navi in tow, Medic chuckled to himself. "Anozzer successful procedure."
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When they emerged, they found the rest of the BLU Team still running around, making various preparations while Engineer barked out orders, tinkering with a blue box-shaped machine sending out healing beams much like Medic's Medi-Gun as he did so.
"Mr. Conagher!" Link called out, striding over to Engineer.
Engineer wiped his brow as he stood up straight. "Hoo! Glad that's done."
"What is that?" Navi asked, hovering over the machine.
"A li'l ol' contraption'a mah own design," Engineer proudly explained. "Level Three Provisions Dispenser with an onboard Medi-Beam for healin' nearby teammates and a self-replenishin' ammo stockpile so they c'n reload when they run low."
"That's neat," Link replied.
"Further modifications'a mine 've increased the Medi-Beam's range 'n the amount'a ammo it c'n hold. It's also less vulnerable t'damage. If Medic's too busy t'heal ya up, just come on over 'n stand by it for a minute or two 'n you'll be right as rain! Speakin' of which, y'all finish up with the doc?"
Link nodded, while Navi glowered bitterly. Engineer seemed to notice this as he said, "Ah take it the doc's grindin' yer gears?"
"You didn't tell me he caught and dissected a forest fairy," she growled.
Engineer coughed awkwardly. "Ah'll admit, none'a us were too keen on it, but once Ludwig's got his mind set on somethin' there ain't no stoppin' him. Ah just hope he ain't gone 'n made us an enemy'a all the other fairies, since Ah hear there're Great Fairies out there."
"Great Fairies don't leave their fountains unless the situation gets really dire," Navi answered. "But if your Medic enjoys life, he will never enter another Fairy Fountain again."
Engineer nodded. "Duly noted."
Link cleared his throat to remind them of the situation at hand. "So what's our plan of attack? What do you want me to do?"
"Alright, here's what Ah got goin' for us," Engineer began to explain, unrolling a blueprint of Lon Lon Ranch and setting it on top of the Dispenser. "Sniper's takin' point up in that sentry tower. He'll focus on priority targets: captains, commanders, maybe even the leader if they're fool enough t'show their face. Ah'm gonna focus on keepin' our point defenses supplied. Mah Sentries ain't got infinite ammo, after all. Even so, they'll only be able t'hold 'em off fer so long before they start crossin' through our barricades. Spy, Scout, 'n Pyro will keep 'em occupied in the barricades as long as they can, but after they pull back, we'll have to maintain a bottleneck so they don't outflank us. Link, Ah want you 'n Demoman t'take care'a any monsters that try t'teleport in behind us. Merasmus also cast a spell so that any rupees them monsters drop 're shared between all'a us. When ya got a good sum'a cash, go on over to the Upgrade Station 'n see how you can upgrade yerself."
"What kind of…upgrades can I get?" Link asked.
"You c'n upgrade yourself t'be faster, able t'jump higher, more resistant t'damage, and even regenerate any damage y'all 've taken over time. You c'n also upgrade that there sword'a yours t'swing faster, deal more damage, 'n even heal yourself with every kill ya make."
Link and Navi's eyes both widened. "That sounds awesome!" Link exclaimed with a big grin.
"Remember that they all cost money, son," Engineer pointed out. "So be sure t'collect any 'n all rupees them monsters drop. 'N finally, the last thing you c'n do with yer money, but mind you this don't upgrade yourself and it's expensive as all hell, is use the Bombonomicon spells t'summon a monster or two t'aid us in the fight for a short while."
"W-what kind of monsters?" Navi asked uncertainly.
"Ya got a choice between the Horseless Headless Horsemann, Monoculus, a swarm'a zombified corpses from our past Respawns, 'n even Merasmus himself, though he'll complain a lot if ya do."
Link nodded. "Alright. Sounds like a plan."
Engineer responded by pumping his Frontier Justice shotgun one-handed like a true Texan badass. "And now…we wait."
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One hour later…
During the time they had left, the mercs had gone and equipped their favorite cosmetics sets in preparation for the coming battle. Engineer now looked every bit like the cowboy he was at heart, hat, chaps, and all. Soldier was fully garbed in a suit of samurai armor to accommodate his Half-Zatoichi, equipping his Black Box rocket launcher as well. Demoman had gone full Demoknight, clad in a full-body suit of black armor with a blue plume coming out of the Dark Falkirk Helm he wore, his Stickybomb Launcher replaced in favor of his Splendid Screen and his Eyelander equipped. Spy was decked out in the attire of a French Napoleonic admiral, looking quite resplendent in his suit. Medic now looked like a proper plague doctor, with the mask and hat, his Syringe Gun replaced by the Crusader's Crossbow. Scout wore a knight's helmet that vaguely looked more like a football helmet along with a pair of Teufort Tooth Kickers and armor plate protecting his arms and shoulders. Pyro was wearing a new cosmetic he had picked up and modified in Hyrule, a Stalchild skull with attached horns over his head, over which he wore a spooky black hood, his suit modified with the Charred Chainmail and the Torcher's Tabard and his fuel tank switched out with the Coffin Tank, creating a truly sinister regalia for the firebug, who also equipped his Phlogistinator, Manmelter, and Sharpened Volcano Fragment. Heavy wore a spiked Knight's Helmet on his head, his upper body protected by armor plate scavenged long ago from a Heavybot. Sniper wore the Desert Marauder's Hood on his head, the Toowumba's Tunic in place of his regular clothes, and the Razorback on his back, having switched out his regular kukri for the more fitting Shahanshah to complete the ensemble and equipping the Machina to make use of the extra damage output.
Link and the BLU mercenaries watched from the safety of the wooden barricades impeding entry into the ranch as a huge swarm of monsters, thousands strong, advanced on them, splitting in half as they slowly surrounded the ranch, cutting off any hope of escape.
Not that escape was on any of their minds.
Link, however, did manage a hesitant gulp. "That's a lot of monsters."
Engineer chuckled wistfully. "Y'know, son, back where Ah come from, in the Lone Star State'a Texas, some hundred-odd years ago, there was a battle in a place called the Alamo. A hundred 'n eighty-nine brave Texans held off a Mexican army'a over two thousand men." Link turned his head to listen to Engineer's story. "The Mexican government was restrictin' the rights'a Americans that emigrated t'Texas outta fear that the Americans were becomin' too powerful, 'n so the settlers rebelled. Among them was a livin' legend at the time, a former Sniper for Builder's League United: David Crockett, a crack shot who could shoot a fly off a burro's swishin' tail at a hundred 'n eighty meters. Together with the rest of them Texians, they held off the Mexican army for thirteen whole days, makin' 'em pay so dearly that they lost all taste for battle, and were defeated soon after by the rest'a the Texian Army."
Link quirked an eyebrow. "And the Texians…what happened to them?"
Engineer looked him straight in the eye. "Dead t'the last man. 'N when the dust settled, they took over six hundred Mexicans t'hell with 'em."
"Well that's comforting," Navi murmured.
Engineer shook his head. "This ain't gonna end the same way, li'l lady. We got somethin' those boys didn't." He patted one of his Sentry Guns affectionately. "More gun."
"Indeed," Spy agreed, puffing out smoke from his cigarette. "Regardless of how this day ends, it will be a day long remembered. Viva la liberte."
Soldier took a deep breath and smiled. "Ahhhhh…nothing quite like a final stand to get the old patriotic fervor boiling in your blood!"
Scout grinned, smacking his Three-Rune Blade into his palm. "Dese chumps'll be a piece'a cake!"
Demoman chugged down on his liquor before belching. "Poh! They're just a boonch'a wee lasses!"
Heavy revved his Brass Beast minigun, a deep, throaty chuckle issuing ominously from him. "Those monsters are in trouble now."
Medic grinned as he began to build up an Übercharge with Heavy. "It's about time I got to practice proper medicine!"
"Now moight be a good toime ta get in position, lads!" Sniper called out from his perch above them.
"He's right," Engineer nodded. "You boys know where t'go. Good luck!"
The boys split up and went to their places, ready for action. Meanwhile, a monster captain, a Moblin by the looks of it, stepped forward and snorted. "By order of the great Ganondorf, you are hereby sentenced to death for the crime of treason against your lord and…"
POW!
To the shock of the monsters behind him, the captain's head jerked back as a bullet tore through his rather tiny brain. He promptly fell backward and crumbled to black ashes.
"Keep a lid on that big mouth, whoile it's still attached to your bloody neck!" Sniper hollered, waving so that the monsters could get a good look at him.
There was no more to be said.
Roused by the death of their captain, the monsters charged forward as one with a chorus of roars.
Link startled as he abruptly heard a disembodied voice accompanied by blaring music declare, "Welcome, lambs, to the slaughterhouse!"
Link and Navi cast questioning glances at Demoman, who just shook his head in a way that said "just ignore it".
"Five…"
The monsters were getting closer.
"Four…"
They would be in range of the Sentries in seconds.
"Three…two…one!"
And then all hell broke loose.
A dozen Sentries of varying levels chirped and opened fire, bathing the nearest monsters in a shower of hot lead and explosives. Monsters dropped like flies under the withering barrage, and still they came on. Engineer ran between the Sentries, refilling their ammo as fast as he could, while Spy cloaked and Scout and Pyro braced themselves. Sniper managed to headshot another commander before the others were absorbed into the monster army's rush to breach the defenses. Link nearly fell over from the explosion of loud noises assaulting his sensitive Hylian ears from his comrades' astronomically more advanced weaponry. But he had to admit, their damage output was awe-inspiring.
However, even with the destructive power of the Sentry Guns, they were programmed only to fire on one target at a time, and the vastly superior numbers of the enemy ensured that they were closing in faster than the BLUs would have liked. It was at this moment that several Big Blins, along with giant Cyclopean Hinox carrying bombs took the lead, absorbing fire for their smaller, weaker comrades.
Engineer's eyes widened as he saw the bombs. "Boys, fall back!"
He and the others pulled back inside the ranch as the Hinox chucked their large bombs at the barricades, even as they finally succumbed to Sentry fire. Several earth-shuddering explosions later, and a gaping hole was torn open in their point defenses. What Sentries weren't destroyed in the explosions were clubbed to pieces by whatever Big Blins were able to close with them and survive.
Sniper, however, was on them in moments, scoring headshots against the giants with every shot and quickly dispatching them. "Thanks for being such whoppin' big targets, ya puntahs!" he cackled as he loaded another round into the chamber of his Machina.
However, the smaller monsters rushed past the ruined barricades, cramming into a bottleneck as they swarmed up the pathway…
…and found themselves staring collectively down the six spinning barrels of Heavy's minigun.
"EEYAAAAAAAHH!" Heavy bellowed as he unleashed hell on the hapless monsters.
Their closely-packed bodies meant that there was little hope of avoiding ten-thousand rounds per minute of custom-made bullets tearing into their hides, and countless monsters dropped before the barrage.
"AHAHAHAHAHA!" Heavy roared. "CRY SOME MOOOOORE!"
Behind him, Soldier appeared carrying his Black Box, unleashing all three rockets at once into the monster horde. "SCREAMIN' EAGLES!" he thundered as he reloaded.
Off to the side, Engineer was hastily building and upgrading another Sentry Gun, whacking the device with his Jag to make it build faster.
"They'll start teleportin' in any second now!" Engineer cried over the din of battle. "Spah, Scout, Pyro! Help Link 'n Demo cover our rear! Sniper, see if ya c'n pinpoint any'a their wizards 'n stop 'em from teleportin' in!"
Sniper wordlessly saluted before popping off a Stalmaster's head.
Though Heavy had forcibly driven back the monsters, he gritted his teeth as he felt his weapon click empty. "Heavy is out!" he cried.
"Go on back 'n reload!" Engineer ordered, taking Heavy's place with his fully-upgraded Sentry and a pair of Disposable Sentries. "Ah'll take over from here!"
Heavy nodded. "Come, Doktor!"
"Jawohl!" Medic replied as he followed his Russian comrade over to the nearby Dispenser.
With Soldier by his side, firing rockets into the monstrous hordes, Engineer was managing to hold his own and keep them from entering the ranch the conventional way.
However, Engineer had been right after all, for no sooner than that did several groups of monsters appear out of thin air, teleported into the thick of the fray by Wizzrobes.
"That's our cue, lads!" Demoman cried. "FREEDOM!"
Link unsheathed the Master Sword as a Stalfos came charging right at him. The divine blade cut through the skeleton's weapon with ease and cut it down. The slain monster promptly dropped a Blue Rupee, which Link picked up. A Lizalfos and a Moblin double-teamed him next, and Link rolled under the Moblin's blow before slicing into its back. As the Moblin fell, the Lizalfos came at him screeching, and he parried its forward chop and slashed a deep laceration across its chest. Both dropped Blue Rupees upon their demise. He released a shuddering breath; it almost felt like the Master Sword was whispering to him, feeding its knowledge into his instincts, for he had never fought like this before. The skill was almost…not his own, and yet it was undoubtedly familiar. The Wizzrobe that had led the group cast a fireball at him, but Link instinctively slashed his sword at the fireball, dissipating it before he closed with the hapless magician and cut it down as well.
Demoman whooped and hollered as he showered any monster he saw with his bombs, wiping out some groups the moment they appeared. However, it wasn't long until the Scotsman ran out of grenades, and knowing he could not waste any time trying to get to the Dispenser and reload, unsheathed the Eyelander and brazenly charged at an armored Darknut using the Splendid Screen, which blocked his attack with a much larger sword. Demoman, however, was undeterred by this, reaching up and slapping a Stickybomb onto its forehead. "In our language, eat lead, laddie!" he cackled as he pushed himself away from the Darknut and detonated the bomb, blasting the monster knight to smithereens.
It wasn't long before the two swordsmen were back-to-back, swinging, blocking, and chopping at whatever threatened them. Demoman looked over his shoulder and grinned. "Aye, yuir doin' pretty well for yuir first time, boyo!"
"This is all so completely crazy, and yet it's actually kind of fun!" Link hollered back as he slew a foolish Stalfos. "That's not bad, is it?!"
Both Demoman and Navi responded at the same time.
"Yes it is!"
"Absolutely not!"
"Tavish DeGroot, you are not helping!" Navi rounded indignantly on the Scotsman.
"Ach, can't ye bloodeh women find a better time te argue with yuir menfolk?" Demoman groused as he beheaded an attacking Moblin.
"Why, you…!" Navi growled.
"Navi! Battle! Remember?! Focus!" Link punctuated for emphasis as he hammered down a Lizalfos's defenses.
Meanwhile, Pyro laughed like a demon straight out of hell, running in every direction as he torched every monster he saw, happy to see their ugly faces light up in joy as he bathed them in rainbows in his mind. We all know, however, what was really going on. Moblins squealed and Lizalfos screeched as their skin melted off their bones while their organs cooked inside. A stray fireball from a Wizzrobe didn't even faze the flame-retardant madman, who just kept laughing as he pretty much chopped the wizard in half with his flaming axe. It wasn't long before more and more monsters began to realize that Pyro was someone, no, something, they should all be very afraid of.
And then his "Mmph" meter fully charged.
Pyro raised his flamethrower over his head and laughed madly as he was bathed in the demonic blue glow of critical damage. Suddenly it seemed his Phlogistinator was even more powerful. Monsters weren't just being fried; they were melting, meat, bones, and all, in mere seconds. Pyro alone was racking up more kills than the others, and some monsters were actually trying to run away from him, only to be caught by a spray of hot lead courtesy of a newly-reloaded Heavy.
Link could only watch as Pyro continued to rampage, utterly mortified by the wanton destruction. "Golden Goddesses above, he's a nightmare," he uttered with wide eyes.
Demoman clapped a hand on Link's shoulder, Pyro's background shenanigans allowing them a moment of respite. "Laddie, you weren't there when the RED Pyro found us in an old minin' town," he told him in a tone that spoke of a distant trauma of the past. "We'd gone there to hide after losin' our weapons after our first match of our careers, and that madman followed us. One by one, he burned every one of us alive. Some of us inside buildings, like our poor Medic, or roasted point blank at his feet, like poor old Sniper. Solly had his insides blasted out from a shotgun round point blank in the chest. Worst of all, the Pyro is insane. To him, every poor bastard he roasts is a bloodeh cartoony fairy version'a themselves that's happy te get baked, and the flames look like fookin' rainbows to him. Both our Pyro and theirs. Te add insult to injury, we found out after we respawned that our employers secretly filmed the whole bloodeh thing as part of their marketing campaign for new hats. So Ah just want ye to understand, laddie; Pyro is our teammate, and a reliable one at that, but there's no denyin' that, whatever's under that bloodeh suit…it isn't fookin' human."
Link and Navi were both left gobsmacked by Demoman's horrifying speech about Pyro, and began to regard the firebug in a new light, who, oblivious to their conversation, was happily carrying on with the steadily thinning hordes of monsters.
Meanwhile, Scout weaved in and out of the monster groups, taking potshots with his Force-A-Nature and Winger pistol until he inevitably ran out of ammo. "Ohoho, can't hit what ain't dere!" he chortled as he easily ducked beneath the lumbering swing of a Moblin and stabbed his Three-Rune Blade through the back of its neck.
However, a Wizzrobe teleported behind him, prepared to cast a spell of destruction at his unprotected back, only for its own back to come under assault as Spy drove his knife into its spinal column. "I think not," the Frenchman smirked as the Wizzrobe crumbled.
"I didn't need ya help, ya damn frog," Scout scoffed.
"Shut up and keep killing," Spy grunted as he disappeared to search out a new victim.
XXXXXX
Koume couldn't believe her eyes.
Ten lowly humans against ten thousand fearsome monsters.
And the monsters were getting their asses kicked!
Some Wizzrobes were actually teleporting back outside the ranch, looking absolutely terrified, and she could sense that her minions' morale was beginning to waver more and more. It was unfathomable; at this rate they might actually lose.
Koume gritted her teeth. Lord Ganondorf would never accept it, and Kotake would never let her live it down. No; it was time for her to get serious. Taking into the air on her broom, her hair turned to fire as she screeched, "Keep going, you cowards! Or do I have to save your skins for you?!"
This was the last thing she said before Sniper nailed her right between the eyes, the bullet going right through the red gem into her brain. The now-dead sorceress dropped out of the sky like a sack of grain. Sniper grinned from his perch. "You've got a forehead on ya loike a coffee table," he muttered smugly to himself. "Should'a kept your head down, mate."
Koume's rather anticlimactic death sent a ripple of fear and confusion through the surviving monsters, and the mercs took advantage of this by redoubling their assault. With their commander dead, and countless allies dead too while they had failed to kill a single defender, all taste for battle left them, and the monsters broke and ran back towards the ruins of Hyrule Castle in a disorganized mob.
At that moment, the disembodied voice from before declared, with background music included, "BLU wins! Good stuff, guys! Merasmus is…*sniff*, getting a little misty here!"
Link turned to Demoman, panting from the exertion of a battle hard-won. "That's Merasmus talking?!"
Demoman rolled his good eye as he replied, "Aye, but at least we don't have te put up with it every day like we did with the Administrator."
The dirtied, bruised, but victorious defenders all gathered together. "Hoooooowee!" Engineer exclaimed heartily, clapping each of them on the back. "Take a bow, boys, 'cause Ah'm sure that was a performance Ganondorf's never gonna forget!"
"We cannot relax just yet, gentlemen," Spy reminded them. "Now zat we've broken the siege on our own base, I'd say it's time we lent a hand to our local allies."
