An: Sorry this took a bit longer... and sorry if this was a bit disjointed etc, I had no real plan for this so I wanted to take the time and think some stuff over and figure out what exactly this story wants from me. The lack of a basic plan, I feel, was making the writing suffer a bit... I hope this is better...

This is Cas pov...


Cas felt like shit, not just from the attempted suicide, he knew he hadn't told Dean everything; choosing to gloss over various unpleasant things. A part of him still wished he had been successful with his endeavor and didn't go to Dean for help. He had no clue what was going to happen next, Castiel never planned for that; but then again who sets out thinking they're going to fail.

He was required to stay at the hospital for observation; it was part of the procedure. Cas had no clue where he was going to go from there. Turning eighteen was the milestone he hadn't taken into account, but he knew he couldn't return home. The police further investigate his mom, while in the meantime he didn't know if she would still continue her weekly acts.

Dean didn't know the half what he had gone through at the hands of his mother or that he had suspicions that she had a bigger role to play with his brother's death. That was another thing that would tend to plague him, he always wondered why it was Jimmy and not him. Why he was named after an unknown angel that only brought pain, with empty promises of salvation. If he could he would have switched places with his twin in a heartbeat, still would for that matter.

All the uncertainty of everything was leaving him cold, and it wasn't just from the blood loss. Castiel knew he was still lying to everyone, it pained him to do it; but habits. The psych doctor seemed pleased by his statements and for now he was sorry that he did it. There was no telling how long that would last, already the old feelings where returning to him.

It was true, however, that Dean was the only light in the never ending dark for him. Castiel was still unsure if the 22 year old could provide what he needed to keep the dark away for good. He watched as the older man dozed in the chair next to his hospital, wishing that his over active mind would allow him the extravagance of envisioning a future.

A future where he was happy with himself and another where he had his own slice of peace; pain just a distant memory or a mild inconvenience like when you stub your toe on a coffee table, but his mind wouldn't allow it. That might have been one of his many flaws; he lacked the imagination to escape his situation in the conventional way. Every time his mother sought him out he couldn't retreat into his own psych, he had to endure and play along with her. Cas wondered if the roles were reversed if Jimmy would have been the stronger one, enduring everything until he left for college and moved on. Jimmy was the older twin after all.

The speculation was a waste of time, logically he knew Dean was here for him because the older man was a man of his word. Castiel still felt all alone, more so then he had before everything came out. There was still a part of him that loved his mother and tried to rationalize all her actions, even though he knew that there was nothing rational about them.

Cas was sure what would become of the women or of him, if there was hope for a future. All the thoughts swirling in his mind as his gaze fell upon Dean, the perfect man before him. It wasn't fair, that this person who's situation was different; yet similar enough that they both could have been gone forever and not known one another. Dean was a survivor, he took the necessary steps to get better and look after his family; to become whole again.

That was definitely something to be jealous of, since the only reason he changed his mind was fear not hope. Cas couldn't bare looking at the man any longer. He turned his back to him and curled up around himself, holding tight. The entirety of his being hurt and he was so tired that he couldn't sleep as tears slowly fell from his cool blue eyes. Uncertainty filled him up and he tried his best to keep his anguish silent as he tried to rid it from his slight form.

The doctrines that his mother embedded in him told him he was imperfect and needy, so much so that no one could ever help him. For a moment he entertained the idea that his mother was right, that there was a demon with in him and that maybe Jimmy never really existed. He had lied, with held the entirety of the truth, again, to the only person who ever helped and it made him feel sick.

"Why god?" Cas whispers allowed, his eyes cast to the ceiling.

Apparently he wasn't as quite as he had thought because he felt a shift on his hospital bed and peeked over his shoulder to see Dean, with concern in his green eyes, positioning himself next to Cas and pulling the younger man into his chest. They didn't say a word, Dean just holding onto the younger man to comfort him as Cas's tears fell. A large part of Castiel wished he could push Dean away and cast him out; but Cas was weak and whether he was aware of it or not he needed this.


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