Dear Abel,
You probably don't remember me at all. But I'm your big sister. Unfortunately I had to leave before you had the chance to grow up. I know, though, that Mom and Dad did an amazing job raising you. And that you turned out to be an incredible person.
I want you to know and hold to the fact that this world has so much to offer you. Don't let Charming hold you back. Do what makes you happy. Try new things, not just what you know. And please, for me, try your best in school. It's important no matter how much you hate it.
I want you to know something and I want you to remember it: your mind is your biggest enemy. It will tell you 'you can't' 'you're not good enough' and so many other lies. Don't you dare listen to it. You can do so much. You are beyond good enough. And you don't need the acceptance of others at all. As long as you are happy with yourself.
I know I'm not there to see you grow up or to help you with your problems, but you have so many people around you. Mom, Dad, Leighton, Grandpa, Grandma. Talk to them when you need to. Or any of the boys. Don't hold anything in. Always remember that I love you forever and always.
Your big sissy,
Carissa
Abel fell asleep having the letter read to him, like every night since it happened. Tara kissed his head before placing the letter on the dresser and made her way to the living room. She sat on the couch, closing her eyes. Carissa's face filled her mind as did the memories of the pregnancy. The sadness didn't come; the feeling was more of guilt than of anything. Instinctively, Tara reached for the alcohol that had a permanent residence on the table. Realizing it wasn't there, she abruptly opened her eyes. Leighton. She'd come over to take care of Abel and apparently to clean. With that, came another memory. The promise she and Jax had made. Part of her wanted to make the promise – to allow life to become normal. At least this new normal. Another part of her persistently told her she couldn't. Tara made the promise, though. For Abel. For her family. For Carissa.
Carissa would despise what Jax and Tara were doing. They knew it. She would have scolded them. Then again, they wouldn't have done this if she were still her. Nothing could have pushed them over the edge as much as this. Too many emotions came along with it. Guilt. Loneliness. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Hatred. And worst of all, numbness. Their mind, their emotion, everything would become numb at the most dangerous times.
Slowly, though, they were learning to control the emotion. It was difficult. And sometimes they back tracked. But they kept pushing forward. They let emotions that they hadn't felt since Carissa come over them. Happiness. Peace. Hope. Love. Abel was the main source of it. He was their reason for trying. Their only reason to.
Tara walked into the clubhouse – diaper bag on one shoulder and Abel on the opposite hip. She smiled at Tig and Happy behind the bar and at Half Sac who was mopping the floor. She made her way to Leighton and Juice sitting at one of the couches. Leighton and Tara kissed on the cheek and Juice hugged her. Leighton took Abel inter her arms, whispering in his ears, 'Carissa loves you.' It was something she did out of habit now. She did it partly for Abel and partly for herself.
Leighton faced Tara, answering her unspoken question, "I have something to show you, but I'll wait for Jax." Tara only nodded, trying to figure out what was going on.
After a few minutes of anticipation, Jax walked in – nodding his hello to Juice and Leighton while kissing Abel and Tara. There was a moment of an awkward silence as Leighton sifted through her bag and pulled out an issue of Teen Vogue.
"As you know I'm one of the editor's, and for this month's magazine we had a last minute pull out. There was no obvious fill in. so they have it to me to figure out. And I did this." Leighton handed Jax and Tara the magazine open to one of the pages towards the back. Across the top were the words 'Are You Happy Now?' in purple cursive letters. Under it was a subheading, saying 'Your words go deeper than you know.' Below it was warnings and signs about eating disorders, self – harm, depression, and suicide. As Jax and Tara read through it, Lei explained, "I needed an outlet. And way to memorialize Carissa and everyone else that was like her. Teen Vogue is going to do an article from now on about mental health or anything that can be life threatening. And every month it's going to be in memorial of someone who has been there and not made it. Except in May when it will be for Carissa, since she's the one who inspired it."
Tara and Jax both had tears streaming down their faces with small smiles. Their eyes were fixed on the picture of Carissa at the bottom of the second page. She was dressed in a red strapless dress with white polka dots. Her hair was straightened with her bangs French braided into a headband and a slight hint of makeup. Tara laughed remembering that day. It was after her 16th birthday party, and Leighton had pleaded with Tara to take photographs to commemorate the day. Carissa had groaned, but did it anyways – smiling and laughing the entire time.
Jax was the first one to speak, "Thank you. This is – just thank you." He looked at his high school heart and the love of his life and at his son sitting on his daughter's best friend with his brother and her boyfriend sitting behind her. Jax knew they would make it – maybe not because they wanted to. But for Carissa.
A/N: This is the last chapter. I'm going to miss this story. I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed working on it. I'm also working on another SOA Fanfiction that will be more based off of the show than this one. Please let me know if ya'll would be interested in reading it. Thank you guys for clicking on this story and reading it. It means a lot to know people are interested.
Peace Love Hope
Val
