"Like coming home when you don't know where you've been, like black coffee, like nicotine, I need your love. When the night has no end and the day yet to begin, as the room spins around, I need your love" - U2, Hawkmoon

All these months of silence and now he calls her? Olivia switches the phone to silent mode for the fourth time that day and takes a sip off the glass she's been cradling for at least twenty minutes. The red wine is nicer now that it's warmer, but instead of increasing the buzz in her head, it actually does the opposite and lets fragments of thoughts peep through it, and there's no way to escape this.

It's Elliot for God's sake, Elliot. Her partner-for-over-twelve-years Elliot, her friend-and-family-and-off-limits Elliot, the I-left-you-with-the-job Elliot, the father-of-five-kids Elliot, Kathy-Stabler's-husband Elliot. What has she done? What was she thinking? All these years of burying her feelings as deep as she could and treating him as all these things and now he's also…the-man-she-shamelessly-touched-all-over-and-craved-more Elliot.

Olivia buries her face in her palms and rubs it till her chin is supported by her hands that lean on the breakfast bar. Now this, in the precinct of all places. And he's married! Married, for fuck's sake, no, not for fuck's sake, for God's sake. What does it make her into if she enjoyed it and wanted him so much that nothing of the self preservation remained and she was completely engulfed in it, and what does it make her into if the first thought to cross her mind when he looked at her after she shoved him was not that it was wrong, but that Elliot's eyes were hazy with desire.

Elliot's eyes. Hazy. With arousal. For her.

Olivia gulps the remaining wine in her glass and grabs the gym duffel from the bedroom. She needs to be somewhere, doing something, just not this, just not thinking about this, about undoing what's done, about exposed nerves and betrayal and wrecking and how now it's all out there, everything she's ever tried to suppress and ignore and wall off. And she doesn't even want to start thinking about Elliot and what he's going through right now or about what the hell all this means.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

"Olivia?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you with me?"

"Yeah."

"Casey left a message, we're not due in court yet."

"Ok, great."

"Are you ok?" Fin asks when her irrelevant response proves that she's not quite with him.

"Yeah, I just…Nick's already waiting and I need to finish this, we're going to do some interviews in Washington High, see if that teacher harassed only his colleagues or if he's been touchy-feely with any of the students too."

"Ok."

She places the form back in the file and grabs her jacket, leaving Fin behind and heading out, glad to be in the field today. She actually slept at night after exercising herself to near death in the gym, in an effort to kill any memory of how Elliot tasted or smelled or felt. She came back home dead tired, but her memory was still intact.

Before entering the sedan, she rubs her fingers across her forehead and takes a deep breath, in the nine-hundredth attempt to clear the heavy weight off her chest.

Seven hours, half a dozen interviews and one suspect apprehension later, Olivia finally slumps into her couch. The takeaway boxes are stacked neatly in the plastic bag that waits on the kitchen counter, but she isn't hungry yet.

There is one missed call displaying on her cellphone, a call she chose to miss two hours ago because nothing has changed since Elliot's four other rings from yesterday. She still doesn't know what to think or feel or say to him and she doesn't want to hear his apologies or regrets or whatever it is he'd think fit for this occasion.

Out of necessity to eat rather than real hunger, Olivia unties the plastic bag and pours what's left of the red wine into a glass. She takes a sip and looks for the chopsticks inside the bag when the knock on the door stops her. She figured he'd try that if she didn't answer his calls, only she hoped he'd think better of it, as there's not much they can say to each other now. She deliberates if she should answer it or be extra quiet till he goes away.

"What?" She greets him, holding the door.

"Don't do this." Elliot shakes his head once and his fists clench at his sides as he's digging his nails into his palms.

"Do what, Elliot?" She looks at him, standing in the corridor in his black leather jacket and jeans and those blue eyes that pierce her.

"Don't treat me like this is all one big mistake." He steps forward and she shifts to let him in. Elliot stops at the entrance to her living room and she closes the door.

"But it is and you know it."

"I know that it's wrong." She notices the twitch in his jaw; he doesn't take his eyes off her.

"Then why are you here?" she asks and she's afraid of his answer, because whichever it is, it can't be good for her.

"Because it feels right. Don't tell me that this doesn't feel right."

Elliot advances a few steps and he's right in front of her and she can smell the cold leather mixing with his cologne.

"I'm telling you to go home, Elliot." She feels that her breath becomes shallow.

"I tried. Turned the car around." Their eyes are still locked together.

"So?" She looks at him doubtful.

"I'm still here." Elliot's voice drops an octave and the saliva clicks in her throat. She shakes her head but Elliot takes a step closer and places his hand on her arm.

"Liv, I'm here." His voice is even lower and he pulls her into him, both his hands on her biceps.

She lets herself be drawn, because while she doesn't know what to think or feel or say, she knows she wants to, she wants to feel him, to inhale him, to be held by him. She needs to, and while she's resisted it for so long Olivia lets her cheek rest on Elliot's shoulder, under the shelter of his chin and inhale his skin over the edge of his shirt as his arms close around her body, pressing her to him. She feels his breath in her hair, the heat of his body is seeping into her and her hands snake around his torso and meet behind his back, under his jacket, one of them fisting his shirt.

This feels so fucking good and she thinks that maybe, maybe this could be enough, when her heart jumps to her throat as Elliot's hand slides up her back, caressing her nape till his open palm nestles the back of her head and his fingers thread in her hair.

It sends shivers down her spine and when Elliot kisses the crown of her head, the blood in her veins becomes a tad warmer. She shifts just a bit, but Elliot tilts his head back and gently pulls her from under his chin. Olivia looks up and their eyes meet. He places a soft kiss on her forehead and on the bridge of her nose, and then lets his eyes skim her face. She can feel his breathing pattern changes and she knows that this is the time to push him away, when he lowers his head and captures her upper lip with his lips. Her eyes close and she gives in to the sensation as Elliot draws in her lip and with his tongue opens her mouth to him.

His tongue penetrates deeper into her mouth and his hand fists her hair, holding her head in place as their tongues meet again and again and roam each other's mouth. They kissed the day before but his taste is still new to her and she's overwhelmed by it and by the way his mouth feels against hers after all these years. It's Elliot and she remembers somewhere in the back of her mind that it's wrong and that she told him to go home and that he should, but right now she can't let go of him.

Everything around them is a blur and all she hears is their breaths, and all she feels is Elliot and his mouth and his left hand that moves up to caress her cheek and then agonizingly slowly slides down the column of her neck to her chest, and before he even reaches her breasts, her nipples harden in anticipation. Elliot cups her full, round breast, kneading it through her shirt, drawing his thumb over her nipple, inducing a deep groan in her throat.

"God, Liv," he growls against her mouth and it can't be God that he's thinking of because if it were, he wouldn't be so hard against her. Her hands on his lower back pull him closer to her and she can feel him, all of him through his jeans. Instinctively she bucks against him and they both release muffled groans; it takes over her, she wants him like this, she wants him more than this, she wants him inside her, she needs him inside her, and to feel Elliot's need for her and the way his body responds to her is intoxicating.

Elliot is nipping at her lips and traces his mouth along her jaw till his hot breath is in her ear and it sends pulses down her belly, straight to her core. He shrugs off his jacket, as he walks them a few steps slowly till her back touches the breakfast bar and she arches it. Elliot is licking his way down to the base of her throat, one of his hands supports her back while the other rubs her breasts. They're both panting and Olivia's hands shoot up to his neck and she presses his head against her as he's kissing the dent in her throat and slides down to the soft surface above her breasts. She parts her legs enough to allow his body to find its place against hers and her hand manages to slide under the layers of his cotton pullover and t-shirt. Touching his bare skin makes her gasp and Elliot brings his mouth back to hers before he slides it again to her ear.

"Not here," he breathes, "not here." Her knees become weak at this just as his hands slide down to her ass and he hoists her up and she wraps her legs around his hips. She kisses his mouth and neck as he walks them into her bedroom, stepping out of his shoes on the way.

He bends and gently places her across the bed. He remains half standing, his knee at her side, and through the haze she watches as Elliot takes his shirt off with one swift pull. At the sight of his bare chest, she rises up and touches him, running her hands over the muscular planes of his stomach, chest and shoulders, bringing her mouth to taste it. She thought she knew what that would feel like, she brushed against his bare chest once, but it was nothing like this, nothing. Elliot bends further and meets her half way, hovering over her before he pushes her back and lies on top of her, his hips spreading her legs so that his body fits hers completely and his mouth is back on hers. Elliot's body weight pressing into her makes Olivia moan, she wasn't prepared to how it'd feel against her body.

His name escapes her lips, into his mouth and it draws a groan from him. Elliot pushes his hands under her shirt, hauls the fabric up above her breasts but he doesn't stop to take it off as he feverishly caresses and kisses her exposed skin, rubs her breasts over the black silk of her bra and cravingly sucking on her hard nipples through it. Olivia removes her hands from his neck and frees herself from the shirt completely. Elliot watches as she pulls it over her head and his glance captures the necklaces that slid to the side of her neck. He picks up the medallion he gave her, holds it between his fingers and looks into her eyes for a moment before he veers his head down to kiss her mouth and naked shoulders, and slide the bra straps off them.

She writhes under him to unhook the thing and throw it to the floor, and the feeling of his hard chest against her naked breasts makes her even fuzzier. "Elllliot," she moans as his hands and mouth find their way to her breasts, and he rubs one while his mouth sucks in the other, his tongue licking her nipple, and goddamn him, he knows a thing or two about a thing or two.

Elliot's erection is pressed hard against her lower belly and Olivia's hands push between them, to the front of his jeans. She manages to unzip it and starts fumbling with his belt, her hands rub against his hardness. "Olivia, mmm" he growls, his mouth on her neck and she doesn't know if he added a curse word or called God again, but it doesn't matter because Elliot is kissing his way back down to her breasts and stomach and with one hand he unbuttons and unzips her pants, granting himself access to the soft skin at the edge of her panties.

He pulls himself up, enough to yank her pants off, tossing them to the floor; he then unbuckles his belt and she grips his shoulders as he storms back down to lie on top of her. He melds his mouth with hers, his tongue sliding into her mouth as his fingers slide into her panties. She gasps as his fingers familiarize themselves with her wet folds and his body above her tenses as she bucks into his palm. She needs him, she needs him inside of her. Now.

Impatiently Olivia pushes his jeans off of him, along with his boxers, and with his help it all falls to the floor in a heap along with the socks he kicks off. She runs her hands over Elliot's massive body, allowing herself to taste and kiss him as he peels her panties off.

Her hand snakes between them and grasps him, freely stroking the hard length that taunted her through his jeans. Elliot groans her name in her ear and takes hold of her wrists, intertwines his fingers with hers and pins them at the sides of her head. He stills for a moment above her, supporting his weight on his forearms, and they look at each other before he leans in to kiss her again. Olivia feels him at her entrance before Elliot pushes into her.

She exhales against his mouth and they let the sensation linger before he starts moving slowly inside her, letting her adjust to him. She releases one of her hands from within his and brings it to his neck, dragging her nails through the closely cut hair at his nape. Elliot kisses her ear and neck and slides his free hand over her body, down to the soft skin of her inner thigh. He massages it up and down and he looks into her face as he hitches her thigh higher up on his hip, gaining access to sink deeper into her.

Everything about him is intense. His anger, his devotion, his protection, his violence. His love is too. And this feels so familiar to her, and then again so strange. Elliot's thrusts into her are hard and deep and prolonged and he's not gentle, and this is what she needs. The fluttering of her inner muscles grows stronger and his breath becomes heavier and perspiration breaks on his neck and back. He pushes harder into her and shifts his body so that his lower ab rubs against her with each thrust and Olivia moans at the sensation.

She starts feeling her release approaching, she tightens around him, producing groans from him and their intertwined fingers clutch together. Elliot's mouth crashes on hers in a forceful kiss and when he breaks it to breathe he looks into her eyes and more than anything, seeing his face as pleasure washes over it, makes her muscles clench around him and she moans his name and other unintelligible syllables as the ripples of climax consume her and she shatters around him, dragging him up there right along with her.

"Liv….God, Olivia" Elliot growls before his mouth comes crashing down on hers again, and she has her senses enough to marvel at the knowledge that it's Elliot that comes inside her, that it's Elliot that empties himself inside of her.

She caresses his neck and kisses his ear, as he's still inside her, heaving, his face buried between her shoulder and neck and their bodies are slightly slick with sweat.

With his arm wrapped around her, Elliot turns over to lie on his back, taking her with him, her head rests on his shoulder, her leg splayed over his and her left hand rests on his chest. Olivia's eyes close and she lets herself relax as she listens to the quickened beat of his heart.

Elliot's fingers brush up and down her arm and she strokes his chest. This is so soothing, so natural, but if she opens her eyes or if the motion of his hand on her arm stops, she's afraid she's going to wake to the full weight of guilt and regret and desire. But for now they lie there quietly.

After a while, Elliot's voice is soft when it vibrates in her ear and beneath her cheek that's pressed to him. "I know what you want to say, so don't say it."

"I wasn't going to say anything." Olivia's voice comes out strained.

"Ok." He sounds relieved.

"What did you think I was going to say?" She opens her eyes to the dim light that comes in from the kitchen and through the curtains.

"Things that I don't wanna hear right now." His hand continues the featherlike strokes on her arm.

"Like what?"

"Like 'go home'." Elliot's hand stills.

"You should." Her voice is hoarse but stable.

"Do you want me to?" Elliot asks and she doesn't answer. He tilts his head in an attempt to look at her. "Liv?"

"No." The truth comes out quietly.

"Really?" Elliot shifts his head again and she feels his eyes on her as her head is still on his shoulder.

He feels the slight shrug and nod of her affirmation and his arms tighten around her and squeeze her further into him.

A few beats pass before Elliot's voice rasps again. "I can stay."

She digests this before she lifts herself up to lean on her folded arm, her palm supports her head as she's gazing at him for the first time since he's been inside her. "How come?" she asks and her other palm is flat on his chest and she feels the steady rhythm of his heart.

"They're in New Jersey," he says with his eyes on hers. "Visiting," he adds before she manages to ask and she notices that he doesn't say who 'they' are, but he doesn't have to.

Olivia nods once and bites her upper lip as her eyes break from his and look away.

"I want to stay." Elliot cups her cheek, thumbing her cheekbone, tipping her gaze back to him. Their eyes are locked together when he slides his other hand to the back of her head and pulls her down to his lips.

It surprises her that she can't bring herself to really hate herself or him, at least not right now, though she has a feeling this would come too, along with regret. She's been the Patron Saint of the Stabler marriage for so long, denying her own feelings, and she's not exactly sure what's his excuse or what has changed now, but as for her - maybe it's because she doesn't have him next to her all the time like she used to, and being torn for so long of what feels like her other half, has broken something inside her.

Their kiss becomes more eager and they grip each other until Elliot turns them around and he's on top of her again, his hard-on lingers at her entrance. Olivia cups his face in a deep kiss as he drives himself into her again and they're frenetically holding on to each other, till Elliot slows them down with rhythmic thrusts. Olivia opens her eyes to find him watching her and she gazes back into his eyes that glitter in the darkened room. He shifts and turns them to lie on their sides, face to face, their arms around each other.

Elliot kisses her, short, tasting, biting, teasing kisses and he caresses her face and hair. As he traces his left palm over the hourglass of her waist to hold her thigh above his hip so he can penetrate her deeper, the dim light reflects off the gold band on his finger. Olivia shuts her eyes tightly to block the sight away, because although she realizes that she's sleeping with a married Elliot, the physical reminder of it sends her heart to her stomach.

"Liv. Baby, open your eyes," Elliot's low, breathy growl urges her and she complies, and from the soft, glazed look in his blues she knows that he's completely unaware of what made her close her eyes and that he just needs her to be with him.

The cold Chow Mein somehow tastes better with Elliot on the other side of the breakfast bar, forking the crispy chicken, in his boxers and t-shirt, while she's in a t and lounge pants. She remembered the food waiting in her kitchen when she heard Elliot's stomach grunt with hunger.

Climbing out of bed with him, when they're both naked, was awkward and she was glad for the clothes stuffed under her pillow; it allowed her to quickly dress, still under the comforter which he had pulled around them earlier. His boxers lay on the floor at his side of the bed, and he could dress while she was busy doing the same. It's not his side of the bed, she remembers correcting herself, it's the side of the bed he was at, and that's a big difference.

He catches her staring at him eating, rubs his chin and smiles at her nervously. "What?"

"Nothing." She can't help smiling back. "I'm…I don't know what to think," she adds, her smile gone.

"Then don't." Elliot's tone is soft and he holds her gaze.

"How long will you last not thinking about this, Elliot?" She cocks an eyebrow.

"I don't know," he admits quietly and the look in his eyes is clear and she sees the swirl of emotions reflecting in them. She sees herself reflecting in there.

"So that's it? We just don't think about it?" she asks and lowers her eyes to her food.

"I'm not saying that it's…I've never done this before," he starts and falters and she looks up and finds guilt and pain and rue flicker in his eyes.

"I know," she quickly says and her voice is hoarse and she doesn't add that she's never done this before either. She's never slept with a married man before, she's never slept with her partner, ex-partner, whatever. She's never slept with Elliot before, and if he's going to regret and retreat, he'd better do it right now, when she still thinks she can take it.

"It's not how I'd choose it to happen, but I can't pretend that I didn't want it to." Elliot looks directly at her and she wonders what the hell they're doing and when this is going to explode, and if he can see the relief in her eyes.

Olivia rubs her face and takes a deep breath, exhaling it into her palms.

"C'mere," Elliot gruffs and leaves his fork and food and circles the bar and takes her in his arms as she spins in her seat to face him. She lets him hold her and she holds him back, because he's still all the things he used to be for her but he's so much more and she's taking it while she still can.

Back in her bed, Elliot's strong, solid body spooning hers is comforting. His arms around her create a haven, his breath behind her ear is soothing and the monotone stroke of his thumb on the back of her hand lulls Olivia into sleep.

TBC