Holy flippin' bageezus…yeah that's right, I've updated. This chapter does exist…you are not dreaming; rub those eyes.
Once again, I asked my 8 ball if I owned the matrix. After the result of 'ask after lunch' I shook it again and that blue triangle thing had the audacity to read 'No.' Thing must be defective.
The Owner's Guide to the Sentinel
A Manual
Congratulations!
Due to a drastic increase in burglary, you are now an owner of a Sentinel Unit, whether you like it or not. The Government has realized that ordinary alarm systems are inadequate in protecting its citizen's home. Therefore, we have been endowed the task to provide everyone with ample protection. If you do not desire to have a Sentinel, please ship it back to the return address and provide a written statement as to why you have chosen said action. This is to ensure that when your house is broken into and you end up a touch dead and bacteria are doing their little decomposition job that we can say, "hey, it's not like we warned them Mr. Government."
What Have I Been Sent?
You have been sent a simple search and destroy unit that resembles a metallic flying squid. Call over those technicians to uninstall your alarm system because this home security is one that actually harms intruders…and not just their auditory system. By harm, we mean 'tear-that-audacious-burglar-to-kibbles-n'-bits-omg-is-that-a-half-a-head!?' Squiddies are quite large; measuring anywhere from twelve to fifteen feet long.
Note: (It has been mandated that we include the grisly details so as to avoid suing…After all, we are a sue happy country.)
Also, your unit comes equipped with the following:
-turtle wax
-cleaning rags
-extra limbs
-that awesome mechanical swoosh sound as it glides by
-special recording device that enables you to see from the squid's point of view. Perfect for seeing the reaction of the victims.
How to Assemble:
To ease the financial burden of having to provide thousands of people with a unit, its confinement is that nondescript box you keep nudging with your toe as you read over this. (Don't feel guilty that we caught you; it won't harm the unit inside.) The sentinel comes packed in a durable cardboard box. When unpacking, pull out its 'head' first. It should be obvious what its head is. Hmmm…big round thing with eyes on it, or these long appendages. By golly, I don't even remember my name….Examine the back of the head where all the sockets are located and clear out any packing noodles that may be lodged within. After cleaning, take out the dozen or so tentacles and screw them in. No screw drivers are needed. Only your hand and the knowledge of righty-tighty-lefty-loosey.
(A note on appendages: the extras enclosed are to be used solely as replacements. Do not attempt to modify your unit by attaching the extras into any part of its body that doesn't contain a screw in compartment. Some owners have severely damaged their squiddy by 'screwing' them into its 'face'. You also run the risk of damaging its vital security functions that determines friend from foe.)
After Assembling
Once you've assembled your brand new calamari unit that just screams awesomeness, you need to verify yourself and any other family members living under your roof. If you own a member of the Resistance, contrary to what few squid owners believe, your security unit will not 'freak.' It only sees them as another person to protect. What the Resistance members think is totally up to them. Do not kick, punch, or give your unit any indication that you are a threat to it. Just because you verified yourself doesn't endow you with a 'lets kick the squid' free card. One of its methods to identifying friend from foe is the 'who damaged me' function. Lets use little Jimmy as an example (any resemblance to living persons is entirely coincidental)…lil' Jimmy is 2. Lil' Jimmy is nomming on some lamb. He thinks that the Sentinel nearby has the same tendency as a dog to fetch bones. Lil' Jimmy decides to throw said bone. Whoops, Jimmy has some really bad aim and accidently hits the Sentinel, hard. Sentinel cracks an eye. Too bad Jimmy doesn't know he's in for a mouthful of death.
So don't do that.
What you can do is order it (once you've screwed in its final appendage. This activates it) to patrol a specific spot for any length of time. Perfect for those moments when your significant other is over and you don't want your unit to think that he or she is 'wrestling' with you. This option is useful because each Sentinel has a tendency to do something different. Some tend to do their patrolling via ceiling; some don't even go near the ceiling. A few scout only by floor, others you'll see in constant levitation (an internal form of Pad technology?) It has been noted by owners that the ceiling variety are the creepiest. In what way we at the company will never comprehend. It's simply a device doing what it is programmed for.
What Does My Sentinel Like To Do?
Since it is a machine and emotions aren't a part of its programming, it doesn't 'like' or 'dislike' anything. Its sole function is to protect, search, and destroy.
Squiddy Maintenance
Your unit only needs cleaning if it, uhm, deterred a robber from stealing your stuff. It's ironic that by killing the robbers, it is harming itself. Therefore, cleaning off any blood coating your squid is an absolute necessity as blood is corrosive to the entirety of the unit.
In Conclusion
We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not the most efficient security system ever!) To date, no sentinel has been reported of malfunctioning. Of course, a smoking unit equals crazy killer that makes Ebola look pleasant. So if there were any sort of malfunction, we wouldn't know about it. Causes to the malfunction are unknown and are currently being tested in our lab.
Questions:
--Does my Sentinel have that red beam thing that pwns metal?
No, we have found that the laser does not help nor hinder the unit in any way. It is irrelevant in protecting and its nothing that the metallic arms can't handle.
--How long is my unit expected to last?
Each unit is certified with a 20 year guarantee.
--What is fatal to my unit?
Electricity
--Can I place my cat on the Sentinel as it flies by?
As long as it weighs less than twenty-five pounds.
--What if I'm in a festive spirit? Is it safe to put a Santa hat on it or will it impede its function?
No, you can even dress it up in that banana dog costume if you wish. Have fun attempting to dress it.
Read, laugh, and backspace
Read, laugh, and review
Do what you must (I'm rather prone to the backspacing one myself)
