Disclaimer: Once again I am going to state that I don't own Bleach.
Saya was staring up at the ceiling from her bed in her brother's house. It was already late afternoon, perhaps even early evening, Saya didn't know nor did she care about the time. Her mind kept telling her that she needed to get out of bed, but her body refused to listen. She just lay there, staring at the ceiling, not moving an inch. Tsukiko-chan and Shin-san had tried to tempt her with food, but she refused to eat. The only person that Saya wanted right now was her brother, but he had to go and help father with the preparations for the funeral. She still felt guilty about the way she had treated him the night before and thought that his presence would make her feel more at ease.
I want him near me just to make myself feel better? How selfish I am.
But her thoughts quickly took her back to her mother and how Saya hadn't said good-bye. I ignored her when she was trying to tell me. I told her that I'd see her again and didn't pay attention to the fact that she was giving me the chance to tell her then. I didn't want to tell her goodbye, I still don't want to say it.
Tears began to form behind her eyes like that had so many times that day. They made their escape and ran down her cheeks. Saya didn't move to wipe them away. She just lay there on her back, looking at the ceiling, crying.
"Mother." She whispered.
A little while later Saya heard muffled voices outside of her door and felt some relief when she recognized one belonged to Shunsui's. Then her door opened and in stepped her brother. Saya didn't take her eyes of the ceiling, but she was happy that he was in her room. Shunsui walked over to the bed and sat down next to her sister. He looked at his sister with a deep concern etched in his face.
"Saya-chan, they told me you haven't eaten anything all day. They said that you've just laid here looking up at the ceiling."
Saya didn't say anything.
"Imouto, it's after nine at night. Did you even know the whole day has passed? Saya?"
Saya didn't say anything, she just blinked.
Shunsui sighed and walked into the bathroom. He took a washcloth from the linen closet and soaked it with warm water before taking it back out to his sister. "Your face is stained with your tears, Imo-chan. Here, let me help you." Shunsui started to wipe Saya's face clean with the cloth.
I truly am pathetic, Saya thought to herself. She then grabbed Shunsui's wrist to make him stop. "If you want me to eat, Aniki, I will eat." Her tone was flat and she still hadn't looked at Shunsui. As if on cue, Tsukiko brought in a bed tray and set it down next to Shunsui. Saya didn't move until Tsukiko had left the room. The truth was that Saya didn't feel like eating anything, but she started to pick at some of the fruit to appease her brother.
Shunsui watched his sister take small bites; she seemed to playing with her food more than actually eating it. "When you're done eating, take a bath and then come down to my room. I need to tell you about the arrangements that father, Michi, and I made today concerning the funeral."
"Yes, Aniki." Saya replied. Shunsui placed a hand on Saya's head for a second before getting up and walking out of the room. Saya watched her brother leave. I've been saying to myself that I've wanted him here all day; now that he is, I don't say anything to him. I'm not making things any easier.
With fingers that were still wrinkled and pruny from her long bath, Saya lifted her hand to knock on her brother's bedroom door.
"Enter."
Saya opened the door and stepped through. Her brother was sitting at a desk that was placed in front of a large picture window with a view of the garden. He continued to work on whatever it was that was keeping him busy and Saya just stood there waiting for him to speak.
"That's not like you, Saya-chan." Shunsui said after a few minutes of silence.
"What do you mean?"
"You usually have no problem making yourself comfortable whenever you are in my presence. Now you stand there waiting for me to give you permission to sit down? It's odd."
"I'm sorry, Aniki."
"……You don't need to be sorry, Imouto."
Saya went and sat on the edge of his bed and stared at his back until he was done with his writing. Saya wasn't really sure if she should say anything and was afraid that maybe her brother really was mad at her for last night. Neither of them were really acting like themselves.
"Would you like to know about the funeral?" Shunsui asked, finally turning towards Saya.
She nodded a response, feeling a knot form in her stomach.
"The otsuya (showing/wake) will take place in four days. It will be at our father's home, the servants are already making the necessary preparations for the amount of people that will be coming in and out of the home that day. The ososhiki (funeral service) will begin at 10 a.m. the next day and that too will be held in our father's home. After that, we will make our way to the kasoba (crematorium)." Shunsui stated. The manner in which he spoke had been so matter-of-fact that it took Saya by surprise. "We will be returning to our father's home the day before the otsuya."
"Hai Aniki."
"So prepare what you need to take back with you. I suppose we'll be staying for a few days after the service as well."
"Hai."
Shunsui looked at his sister with a face that was hard for her to read. She didn't quite know what to make of it. "Saya?"
"Yes, Aniki?"
"Please don't be so timid around me. I'm not mad at you for what happened last night. I know that you were upset and you had and have every right to be. But with you not acting like yourself, it makes everything a little harder. I know that's selfish of me to say; telling you to not to behave the way you're feeling because it'll make me feel better, but that's what I would like to see."
You couldn't call what appeared on Saya's face a smile, but her lips curled up slightly and her face softened a bit. "I can't promise to be as happy as I usually am brother, but I won't treat you differently. I'm sorry too. I can't say that you're being selfish though. All day I've just wanted you home, and then when you got here I acted peculiar. I guess I just feel… with mother gone… I mean…"
"It's okay, Saya," Shunsui said while standing up and walking over to his sister. He sat down on the bed beside her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "It's for the best, you know? She was suffering more and more each day. It would have been cruel if she had lived any longer than what she did. Mother didn't deserve that. Besides, we should be thinking of all the happy times we spent with her, because that is what she would want us to focus on."
"Yes aniki, you're right as always." Saya thought for a minute. "Aniki, would it be alright if I stayed in here with you tonight?"
Shunsui was silent for a moment while thinking it over, "Sure Saya, it'll be different than being on the roof, ne?"
"Mmhhmm." With that Saya climbed over to "her" side of the bed and started to get under the covers. She put a pillow in the middle to separate her side from Shunsui's and drifted off into sleep rather quickly.
When Saya stepped into her home the overall feeling had changed drastically. It didn't feel like the tender and loving environment she was used to. Instead, a blanket of sorry and mourning lay over the Kyouraku manor. The house felt cold without Akemi's warmth radiating through it. The servants bowed politely to Shunsui and Saya, but even they did not possess the same kindly manner as usual. It was to be understood, however; Lady Kyouraku was well-liked by all.
"Hello, Shunsui, Saya; it is good to have you both home." A sad voice greeted them.
"Good evening, father." Saya said and went to hug him. He placed one arm around her shoulders and the lay his other hand on top of her head. When she looked up at him she saw his eyes were filled with heartbreak and depression. What else had she expected to see from someone who had lost his soul mate?
"Your things have been taken to your rooms already. It's getting close to dinner time, so go get ready and do whatever you need to do. We will be eating in a half hour. Michi and Kikyo will be here by then as well. You can see how big she's gotten, Saya. She'll be ready to have that baby in the next few weeks the doctors say."
The thought of becoming an aunt brought a slight smile to Saya's face. However, she was quickly upset by thinking that her mother would never know her first grandchild.
Saya and Shunsui left their father and went to their respective rooms to ready themselves for dinner.
"Asuko-san, I'm glad to see you're already in here."
"Well Saya-sama, I couldn't have you getting ready for dinner all by yourself, could I?" The young maid-servant asked.
A slight smirk came to Saya's face, "I knew you would miss me. I've only been gone for a little over a week too."
"I have to say, it does make my mornings easier not having to pick out 20 kimonos for you to debate upon."
"Yes I'm sure. Poor Tsukiko-chan has that job at my brother's home. Although she's very sweet, she doesn't seem to handle my indecisiveness as well as you. But then again, she hasn't had twenty years of practice." Saya looked at her friend for a moment, "Asuko-san, I'm glad you're here."
Asuko gave Saya a slight bow, "I am happy to be available for my lady."
Saya lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. Her body was tired but her mind refused to slow down enough for Saya to fall asleep. Dinner had been relatively uneventful. It was quieter than usual, but Shunsui and Michi did manage to share some heartwarming stories about their memories with their mother. Saya didn't feel like she wanted to contribute. Everything was going pretty smoothly until Kikyo had started crying at one point towards the end of dinner. It was almost amusing to see her sob into her noodles. Michi had done his best to comfort her, but she had to excuse herself from the table.
"Gomen, it's just that with these hormones going all crazy I can't seem to control my crying. I'm so sorry." She had said as she got up and waddled out of the room, she was very pregnant after all.
Saya sighed and debated about sneaking up to Shunsui's room to get on the roof. She hadn't heard any noises indicating that anyone was out there, but at the same time it didn't mean he wasn't up there. Her body protested but her mind egged her on until she got out of bed and took her usual path through the house. She slowly cracked the door to see that her brother was in fact, still in bed. She tip toed in, not sure if he was awake or asleep.
"Saya-chan, what are you doing?" Shunsui asked his sister.
"Gomen, Aniki. I just wanted to go on the roof for little bit, that's all."
"Can't sleep, Saya?"
"No Aniki."
"Well, go on through, I don't feel much like joining you tonight, if that's alright with you."
"Ne, Aniki. It's fine."
Saya climbed through his window and stood in the cool night's breeze on top of the roof. She gazed towards the Sereitei and its huge white tower. I felt so far away from everything when I was behind those walls. The Sereitei has a funny way of making you feel so separated from the outside world. Saya thought to her self.
Saya soon found herself in the field full of fox gloves and jacaranda trees. But instead of the gentle breeze she felt before, the wind had turned fierce and whipped through land. The trees, grass, and flowers trembled and bowed low in forced submission to the harsh winds. The rain came down and was blown horizontally so that it smacked Saya in the face and stung her cheeks. Then standing alone in the field, being beaten by the storm, was the strange man with purple eyes and black hair that she had seen before. Saya ran over to him.
"What's happening?"
"The turmoil you feel in your heart is manifested in this way here in my world."
Saya's gaze slowly dropped to the muddy ground beneath her feet……..
A little more than hour later Shunsui went to check on Saya. He found her curled up on her side, fast asleep. He walked over to his sister and gently picked her up to take her back down to her bed.
"I'm sorry I caused the storm." Saya mumbled in her sleep.
Shunsui looked at her in a curious manner, wondering what it was she was dreaming about.
Saya was dressed in a black kimono, black obi, and a black ribbon in her hair. To her knowledge, she had never been to an otsuya before. It all seemed a bit surreal. Saya was standing at the entry way to her family's grand parlor room with her father, two brothers, and sister-in-law. The parlor room was used for formal events and could easily fit 150 people for gatherings. Saya had seen it decorated several times for proper gatherings; it was always so lively and gave off a sense of excitement when one entered the room. Today was different though.
The only décor in the room were what surrounded her mother's coffin. The coffin itself was draped in a stunning gold obi-type fabric. Above the coffin was a huge poster-sized picture of Akemi in her younger years. Her face was smiling and so full of life and happiness. None of the faces looking at the poster reflected those feelings, however. Vases full of chrysanthemums and lilies surrounded the coffin creating sort of a wall of flowers; and in front was a small table with two tall candles and a bifurcated box of incense between them. The left side of the incense was smoldering, while the right remained untouched, waiting.
Dozens of relatives, neighbors, and long time friends (many whom Saya had never met) came by to pay their respects. The people filled their home with a constant buzz of conversation. When they weren't in the parlor saying their kind words of condolence to the family, they were talking about anything from how tragic Akemi's passing was to the latest style of kimonos that were seen in town amongst themselves.
Saya stood in a line with her family for what seemed like hours, everyone she knew and didn't know would tell each member of her family how sorry they were for their loss; she lost count of how many times she would say, "Thank you for your kind words," to the people standing across from her. Often times, and Saya was at first surprised by this act; people who she was unfamiliar with would take her hand and give it a little shake or squeeze. Only those the family were most intimate with gave hugs. Two hugs that Saya cherished most of all came from Miroku and Hiami.
Saya's eyes would often follow the sympathizer as they walked the path over to her mother's coffin. Each person would kneel on a pillow in front of the small table. The same ritual performed over and over again. The person would take a pinch of incense from the right side of box, hold it in front of their face while giving a little bow, and then deposit it into the smoldering left side. The process would be repeated two more times.
"Shunsui-san, I'm very sorry for your loss, old-friend." Saya was knocked out of her trance by Ukitake's voice, and watched as he gave her brother a hug. He wasn't in his usual captain's haori, which would have been a little inappropriate for the occasion. He wore a modest black kimono top and hakama fitting for the somber event of the day. He pulled his hair back into a low ponytail so that only his shorter bangs were around his face. Saya chastised herself for thinking he looked stunning; she should have been focused on her mother.
"Thank you, Juushiro. It's good to have a true friend here to console me and my family, instead of the many who came simply to gossip about my mother's death." Shunsui received a jab in the ribs from his brother, "Well, it's true." Shunsui mumbled.
"Even so, Shunsui, it is unkind to say such things. Many people who came here do wish to console your family and pay their respects to your dearly departed mother." Juushiro said in his calm tone.
"Well, I can always count on you to keep my manner's in-check, Juushiro." Shunsui said, with a slight chuckle even, "So you have decided to stay here then?"
Saya couldn't help it, even though she hadn't been invited into the conversation yet, "Stay here? Ukitake-san, do you plan on spending the night?"
Juushiro smiled, "Yes Saya-sama. Your brother asked that I be a pall-bearer when we take your mother to the kasoba tomorrow. I have known your family since the academy days, so it was an honor for me to be asked." Then Ukitake took Saya's hand in his. Although many people had done that today, Saya was still a little startled when Juushiro did it, but in a good way, "I'm very sorry for your loss, Saya-sama, if there's anything you need…"
"Yes, thank you, Ukitake-san." Saya was praying there wasn't a blush on her face.
The other captains started to follow after Juushiro's arrival, all offering their condolences in the same way. Aizen perhaps seemed the kindest next to Ukitake. He had even given Saya another pat on her head and asked her to come visit his division again when she was feeling up to it.
Soon a priest had come in and began the ceremony for the wake. All those in attendance sat on cushions behind him as he sat on the pillow in front of the coffin. He began his chanting with a low and deep voice, Saya found it quite soothing. He gave an offering of cooked rice and placed the chopsticks vertically into the bowl, signifying death. He chimed away on a prayer bowl and bell-like object at alternating intervals and speeds. About an hour later, the ceremony was over and the servant staff made sure to have all the food prepared for the guests. After everyone stuffed themselves with food and drank copious amounts of fine sake, they left for their own homes, only to return the following morning for the funeral service.
Saya lay in her bed that night looking up at the ceiling and thinking on the events of the day. She couldn't help but let her mind wander to the guest room that held Juushiro just down the hall.
Sighing, Saya threw the covers off of her body and made to get out of bed. She shivered slightly as the cold of the hard floor seemed to seep upwards through her feet and into her body. Carefully opening the door so as not to make a sound, Saya tiptoed out into the hall. Some coughing and rustling caused Saya to freeze right outside of Ukitake's door. She slowly turned her head towards the door, but when she didn't hear anything else she decided to continue on her path.
Sliding the parlor doors open Saya made her way to the front of the room where her mother's coffin sat. She knelt on the pillow and imitated the incense ritual she had seen hundreds of times that day.
"Mother, I don't know if you can hear me now. But I wanted to come and talk with you for a little bit. I hope it's okay, I didn't want to disturb you. I've been having a wonderful time with Aniki in the Sereitei. I've met so many new people I hope to call my friends someday. Of course there are a couple that I don't care for, I don't dislike them or anything, but they just 'aren't my cup of tea,' as you would say. I'm sure Aniki didn't tell you that one of Soifon taicho's squad members held a dagger to my neck when we went to go meet her. I was really scared at the time, but now I think it's kind of funny. Well, what else am I supposed to think about it? Let's see. I met an overly bubbly fukutaicho by the name of Matsumoto Rangiku. She's really nice though and she was here today with her captain. She and Shunsui got me drunk, haha, yeah. I fell for it." Saya actually smiled, the first real smile that had graced her lips in days. "The two most sincere people seem to by Aizen Sosuke and Ukitake Juushiro. I can't help but think Ukitake-san very handsome. I'm really silly when he's around, the slightest thing can make me blush." Saya thought she heard a creak and turned around to scan the room and entry way. Seeing nothing, Saya was content to turn back to her one-sided conversation with her mother.
"The real reason I came down here tonight mother, is to apologize. I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye and to tell you that I love you. I know you knew that I did, but I at least wanted to say it. I also wanted to apologize for when I was leaving to go stay with Shunsui. You tried to tell me goodbye then, and I wouldn't listen. I wasn't willing to accept that maybe you were actually going to die. But I've come to say it now. I wanted to say it properly. So here it goes."
"I love you very much and even after your death my love for you will continue to grow. I will always hold a special place for you in my heart. Some of the best memories I have are those that are with you. You took me into your home not knowing anything about me or my past and loved me as if I was your own. Thank you for all the kindness and love that you have shown me, I hope that I was able to return even a fraction of what you gave me. So I say to you know, sayonara, reidou." (A/N: Reidou is a term for mother, earlier in the story I had Saya call her "youbo" or adoptive mother. This is Saya's way of telling Akemi that she views Akemi as her birth mother)
The ososhiki began promptly at 10:00 a.m. the next day. Almost everyone who had been at the wake the night before crammed into the parlor room once again for the funeral. This time, three priests chanted for the departed. Each voice had their own unique tone, but Saya was mostly amazed at the great timing and coordination of their chant.
After they were done with their chant, Daisuke, Michi, Kikyo, Shunsui and Saya all placed one final flower on the coffin before the pall-bearers lifted it to begin the procession to the kosaba. Daisuke, Michi, Shunsui, Juushiro, and two cousins that Saya was unfamiliar with hoisted the coffin on their shoulders and made their way out of the house and through the town. Saya and Kikyo followed directly behind the coffin, with Saya holding Kikyo's arm to help her walk the far distance. Everyone else followed behind.
The head priest said some final words and then the coffin was sent through, it and everything it held was turned to ash. Saya didn't know quite how to feel at that moment.
The funeral procession made its way back to the Kyouraku home and the urn that held Akemi's ashes were placed on a small table where the coffin had previously rested. Everyone paid their final respects, and then Daisuke thanked everyone for coming and joining his family during their time of mourning.
Saya watched as everyone filed out of the house and the servants began the clean-up. Later that day Akemi's ashes were placed in the family grave. That was it. It was all over.
Saya sat with Shunsui and Juushiro out on the back patio. She had been painting teacups while they were talking about nothing in particular.
"Aniki?" Saya said looking up from her cup and interrupting their conversation. She had a confused look on her face.
"Yes, Saya?" Shunsui asked, he was interested to hear what she would ask, given the odd expression on her face.
"I know that when humans die in the material world, a shinigami leads them here to the soul society. But what happens when we die here? What becomes of our souls?"
Shunsui looked at his sister with a thoughtful expression, understanding the obvious reasons for her question. "Well Saya, when our souls die here, then they are reincarnated. When a human soul dies here in the soul society, it is reincarnated on earth."
It seemed that a light bulb went off in Saya's head, "So mother could have already been reborn? She may be someone's baby right now?"
"Well, perhaps. But before the spirit is able to reincarnate, it spends a certain amount of time as part of the spirit particles that make up our world. No one is sure how long it takes for the soul to be reincarnated."
"Oh," Saya's shoulders and face visibly dropped, "I see."
"Look at it this way, Saya. Your mother is still with you, even if you are not able to physically see or touch her." Ukitake chimed in.
This caused Saya to smile once again, "Thank you, Ukitake-san, I will." Saya returned to her teacup, with a happier looking disposition.
Shunsui noticed this slight change in Saya and smirked to himself. He then looked back to his friend whose eyes were still on Saya. Shunsui's eyebrow raised and his smirk turned into a curious grin. His gaze shifted between his sister and friend. Well, well, perhaps it goes both ways?
Author's note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter... well, as much as one can enjoy a chapter about a funeral. Don't worry! Happier chapters to follow. Saya will be heading back to the Sereitei and more interactions between herself and the strange man with the purple eyes will occur. By now I'm guessing you all know who/what he might be. We'll see if anything happens between her and Juushiro (aww!) and like I promised before, more of her past will start to reveal itself. I hadn't actually intended this chapter to be so long when I first started writing it, but then I felt like I couldn't completly glaze over the funeral, especially when Saya was sopposed to have been so affected by her mother's death... but it didn't allow me to take her back to the Sereitei by the end of it.
Thanks again to Sareenah, W.A.T., Bloody-Ribbon, and Ellie Tennis girl for commenting and reviewing! I always appreciate it!
