What Lies Beneath
Part Two
Ian.
Zach.
Frankie.
All names he doesn't recognize. One of them could be the man who holds her heart now, and if not, there is someone else because a woman like Kendall could never be alone for long. Every man that meets her falls a little in love with her. Ryan topped them all though, he fell for her like a rock into the ocean, sinking so deep there was no chance to ever reach the surface again. At times he hated that, hated that he couldn't stop loving her, hated that she lied to him, hated that he was scared of what he would feel if they fell apart again, hated that she meant so damn much. But at other times she was the only thing in his world that made any sense at all. She was his love, his happiness, his hope. She used to be his whole world, even if she didn't know it.
Ryan hangs his head low, resting his hands on his knees, and refuses to meet her eyes. The weight of four lost years crushes in on him.
Kendall begs "Talk to me. Please."
When he still doesn't say a word she threatens "Fine! Then I am gonna go get a doctor to have your head examined. Because if after all these years you still don't trust me then you must be crazy, Ryan Aloysius Lavery!"
She jumps out of her seat, hands on her hips. He hurries to his feet, reaching out to touch her arm. "I'm not crazy, okay? I just...I lost..." he stumbles. Tears come to his eyes.
I lost you, he thinks, And we were so close. So damn close.
Ryan: You kind of hijacked my chance to propose to you. So the least that you could do is let me put this on your finger, this ring.
Kendall: You remembered -- you remembered where I kept it.
Ryan: Kendall, what don't I know about you and love every single bit? Huh? Come here. Would you rather I said no?
Kendall: What if it doesn't happen? What if this is all just a big fantasy that I live on for the rest of my life while I'm in jail? Ryan, to be this close to you and lose you again, to never touch you again, I can't --
Ryan: Not going to happen. There's going to be no prison. Not going to happen.
Kendall: How do you know that?
Ryan: Well, I do. I know it. You're going to be acquitted and you're going to be free, and on that day, we'll say "I do."
"You lost what?" Kendall asks.
"My memory, it looks like. I guess I lost my memory. I woke up today and...something didn't feel right. I couldn't remember Annie. I couldn't remember Emma. I thought it was...I didn't think they lived with me."
"I don't understand. How long ago did you think it was? Did you think...Greenlee was still your wife?"
"Greenlee was my what?!!!!"
"Ryan, calm down."
"I married Greenlee. Greenlee Smythe?"
"What other Greenlee is there in the whole world? Ryan, please sit back down. You're scaring me."
With his mind racing, a headache pounding behind his temples, and a million memories of Kendall coursing through his brain, Ryan slowly sat back down.
Kendall sat next to him and took his hand. "Did you see a doctor? You need to see a doctor. Don't be all macho. This is serious. I don't want anything to happen to you. I can't handle that. I won't lose you, Ryan. Spike and Emma need you. Ian needs you. I need you."
"Spike? Ian?"
"My sons."
Finally the tears fall from his eyes. Ryan runs his hands through his hair. "You have sons?" The words are all broken.
Where did the years go? he thinks. Where did my chances go? How did she fall out of love with me? How did I lose her this time?
Looking into her eyes, he asks the one question that he knows will break him. "Are you married?"
Her eyes search his. Before she says a word he knows the answer "Yes."
"But not to me?"
She breaths out a single word, their fate, the one he forgot about, the one he wishes he didn't know now. "No."
How can this be my life? he asks himself. How?
(All your life is such a
shame, shame, shame.
All
your love is just a
dream, dream, dream.
Are
you happy when you're sleeping?
Does he keep you safe and
warm?
Does he tell you when you're sorry?
Does he tell you when
you're wrong?
I've
been watching you for hours.
It's been years since
we were born.
We
were perfect when we started
I've been wondering where we've gone.
All
your life is such a
shame,
shame, shame.
All your love is just a
dream, dream, dream.)
Kendall wraps her arms around Ryan, pulling him into a hug. "You're gonna be okay. I don't know what happened but we'll get you a doctor and...I swear on my life you will recover. I promise, Ryan. Okay? Trust me this time."
Trust. Always there big problem.
But today he does trust her. He trusts nothing but her. And if he could he would stay in her arms for every second left in his life.
Maybe he would soon remember the lost years, and what tore them apart, and who all these people she talks about that don't sound familiar are. Maybe his love for Annie, the woman who claims to be his wife, will come flooding back and this will all make sense again. Maybe...but Ryan almost wishes it never does because the last memory he has is Kendall and him kissing and falling into bed, her wearing a ring he placed on her finger, both of them filled with joy, relief and hope for the future.
A perfect moment. 2004.
And this moment of her holding him, loving him in the way she can right now. That is all he needs. That is all he wants.
"Can you tell me something?" Ryan asks Kendall
"Anything."
"Do you...do you regret us, Kendall?"
"No, no, no, I don't. I never would. You're just confused right now. You took a bullet meant for me. I caused you to get sick. You should be yelling at me."
"I don't want to yell at you. I just want...to look at you."
For a long moment, they stare in each other's eyes. Before Kendall can stop him, Ryan leans over and kisses her.
She pulls away. "Okay, okay..." she lets out a short breath. He can tell her heart is racing. "We need to call a doctor. Now. Okay? Cause I am not having you die on me. We have a son together, mister. Spike needs you alive. And sane. And remembering what year it is..." Softer she adds, "and I need that too. Don't you check out on me, Ryan. Don't you dare."
"We have a son together?" His heart soars at this news. "Oh my God, Kendall...really? We share a child?"
"A beautiful little boy. Spike Lavery. Though when I tell you the story around his birth...you are not gonna believe it, seriously...and I have another son, a few months old, with my husband."
Ryan nods. A son. A son with Kendall. Suddenly he does have hope again. Something went right in those years he can't remember. "Do you have a picture of him?"
With shaking hands, Kendall pulls it out of her purse. "Here you go."
Ryan looks at the face of his son, and his heart seems to heal instantly. Even though he feels intense pain over knowing that him and Kendall didn't stay together, and intense fear over what might be wrong with him, seeing Spike also gives him a jolt of courage and strength to face this.
"I'm calling for a doctor," she tells him. "Just wait right here. Everything will be okay...it has to be...it has to..."
Ryan watches Kendall head into the hallway. He would do anything to make her his again. But he will do nothing to mess up the life she had right now. He can't break her another time. He won't let her life be torn apart by his selfishness.
Instead he will let the doctors do there tests, and he will remember the years that are blank right now. He will let go of their love, like Kendall has. He will move on.
But he will never forget what it felt like to wake up today and believe he was the man she was in love with, believe that they would spend the next sixty years together, to believe he could hold on to her forever.
A little while later, Kendall comes back. "Julia says they have a room for you. Are you ready?"
Ready to let her go? Ready to stop loving her again? Ready to just be friends? No, he is not ready.
But he stands up and walks toward her anyway. Back to 2008. Back to the lives they have now. The lives they must have chosen. The lives they must want more than they want each other, though that seems impossible to comprehend.
As he comes into the hallway, Kendall says "I know this must be scary."
"I'm a little freaked. You think you could...well, I know you got a life to get back to...but could you stay with me for a little while longer?"
"For as long as you want," Kendall says.
And that is all he needs to hear to know, he will beat this. He will survive. His feelings for other people, and his memories, might came back someday but he vows in that moment to never forget his love for her. She will forever hold a special piece of in my heart, Ryan blinks back tears as he tells himself, The biggest piece of my heart.
And no one else has to know.
(All your life is such a
shame, shame, shame.
All
your love is just a dream, dream, dream )
( Counting Crows song called A Murder of One)
THE END
Thanks for reading.
All the flashback scenes from 2004 are transcripts of All My Children, and belong to ABC etc.
