A/N: I have a new set of gags here! This time, though, it's about trains and the people who keep laying themselves on the rails. Call it criticism, or a tribute, I don't care, as long as it will make you laugh. And now, here's Railroad Gags!


Ah, the railroads. Evoking cherished memories of a long-gone age; an age when everybody minded their own business, when everybody was at peace with everyone else, when everything was still simple, and when—what in the world?! (The So Random gang makes comedic surprised faces before the camera approaches them, and then the screen fades to black)

We're not doing this to mock the people who intentionally or unintentionally end up on the rails. In fact, we're trying to do a tribute for them, but we did it in the language we knew best—laughter. And so, we present to you, the Railroad Gags. Any comments or suggestions will be gladly handled by our friendly operators standing by on this toll-free number.


"Hanky"

"Help me!" Tawni shouted. "I'm about to get run over by a train!"

"Oh, man!" Nico said, confused. "Here! Let me wrap this hanky over your eyes!"

"Why should I let you do that?" Tawni asked him.

"So you won't see the train when it crushes you to death! Yahoo!" Nico covered up Tawni's eyes as she looked at the camera in despair.


"Picture"

"Help me!" Grady shouted. "I'm about to be run over by a train!"

"OMG!" Zora shouted back. "Quick! Let me take your picture!"

"Huh? Why?"

"So the authorities will know how to reassemble you after the train runs you over! Say cheese!" She grabbed her iPhone and took Grady's picture while he looked pitifully at the camera.


"Switch"

Chad woke up and was surprised to find himself tied to the railroad tracks. "What am I doing here, bound to the rails?" he asked nobody in particular.

"We've made a pact with each other," someone replied beside Chad. He turned around in surprise and saw that it was Sonny, who was also tied to the rails like him. "We made it last night, when we were both smashed and high. We shall die together on these rails of oppression."

"Wait a minute," Chad said. "I don't remember making a suicide pact like. But if that's the case, then I would like to switch places with you. I can feel something sticking into my back right now." He untied himself, got up and out of the tracks, and left Sonny behind to be run over by the train.

"Hey!" she shouted. "Where are you going? Aah!" And a CGI train ran her over.


"Resting"

Tawni was just walking and minding her own business when she saw Nico lying on the railroad tracks in front of her. "Hey!" she shouted. "What are you doing there? Get out of the rails, a train's coming!"

"I know," Nico assured her. "I'm just resting here."

"Resting? On the rails? Really?" Tawni highly doubted that.

"No, the truth is that I was actually resting on the station's roof when it caved in and brought me down with it, and now I'm here on the tracks!" Nico explained. "The only reason that I can't get away is that I can't feel my legs right now, you know? I think I might have broken them or something, so I'm just gonna lie here and wait for my fate, okay?"

Tawni could only look mystified at the camera.


"Magic Trick"

"For my latest magic trick," Chad announced, "I shall cut this lady in half using that incoming train! Are you ready, milady?" he asked Sonny.

"Ready as I'll ever be," she replied.

"Okay! And a one, and a two, and a three!" A CGI train ran over Sonny, cutting her in half.

"OMG!" the crowd shouted. "Look at that! Only the girl's lower half was left on the rails!"

"Don't worry; I'm still alive," Sonny said up in the sky, and the camera panned away to reveal her upper torso flying with the help of bat-like wings. "I'm a manananggal." (A/N: A Filipino bloodsucking creature that can separate its torso from its legs)

"While we're on the topic," Chad said, "let me say something. I'm a vampire too!" He suddenly revealed his fangs. "We just staged this magic show to lure you humans into our trap! Now we have food and drinks, milady!" He and Sonny laughed maniacally as Tawni, Zora, Nico, and Grady clutched each other and looked helplessly at the camera.


"I Was Here First!"

Zora saw Grady lying on the train tracks. "What are you doing there?" she asked him. "Get out of the rails, man!"

"Hey!" he shouted back. "I was here first! If you want to lie down on these rails, you have to get in line like the rest of us!"

Zora turned around and saw Nico, Chad, Tawni, and Sonny tied, bound, and handcuffed but still waiting in line. "No cuts!" Sonny told her.

"Yeah!" the others concurred.

(A/N: Slight reference to Princess Protection Program, when Demi's character Rosie cut in front of the line in the cafeteria)


"Camel"

Chad saw Sonny lying down on the railroad. "What are you doing there?" he asked her. "Get off the tracks!"

"Don't worry," Sonny assured him. "That train will surely stop when the engineer sees me on the tracks."

"Ha!" Chad snorted. "With the size of your breasts, the engineer will think that that's a camel on the tracks, not a girl!"

Sonny could only look at her chest then at the camera.


"Escape Artist"

Grady quickly untied the ropes bounding him to the tracks and jumped away just as a CGI train went over the spot where he lay just a few seconds ago. "Yes! I did it! All right!" he cheered. "Oh, yeah! Uh-huh! I'm David Blaine! I'm Houdini! I'm an escape artist! Yeah—" He was suddenly run over by another train on another set of tracks that was just beside the tracks that he had just escaped from.


"Ghost"

Nico saw Tawni lying on the tracks. "What are you doing there, girl?" he asked her. "Get off of those tracks!"

"I can't even if I wanted to," Tawni replied matter-of-factly.

"Why?"

"A train ran over me already. I'm a ghost now, get it?"

Suddenly, a man wearing a balaclava with a skull painted on it entered the scene. "You're not a ghost!" he shouted at her. "I'm Ghost!" (A/N: Presenting Lieutenant Simon "Ghost" Riley of Modern Warfare 2!)

"Oh, whatever!" Tawni muttered in disgust before she disappeared. Nico and Ghost looked at each other before screaming and running away.


"Wife"

"Help!" Nico shouted. "Somebody help me!"

"Oh, man, Nico!" Grady said in surprise when he saw Nico tied to the tracks. "Just sit tight, buddy! I'll get you out of these tracks!" He stepped off the platform and began untying Nico's knots.

"Thanks, man," Nico told Grady. "Wait, Grady. I have something to confess to you."

Grady, who was busy untying Nico, asked in reply, "What is it?"

"I slept with your wife last night."

"WHAT!?" Grady shouted in outrage and shock. Suddenly, he tied Nico back to the tracks, and this time he made sure he had tied the Gordian knots he made on Nico very tightly.

"Hey, Grady, man, what are you doing?" Nico asked him.

"That's for sleeping with my Honey-Cured!" Grady shouted back, and then he left Nico on the rails, who could only stare at the camera helplessly.


"Suicide"

Sonny saw Tawni lying down on the tracks. "What are you doing there on the tracks?" she asked her. "Are you trying to commit suicide?"

"Yes!" Tawni shouted back defiantly. "Yes, I am!"

Sonny suddenly turned to the camera in surprise.


"Unlucky"

Chad cried as he laid himself on the train tracks. Zora saw what he was doing and asked him, "What are you doing there? Are you trying to commit suicide?"

"Yes," he replied tearfully.

"Why?"

"I have got to be the unluckiest person on Earth!" he moaned. "I want to end my life now, before my bad luck becomes a monster to this world!"

Zora suddenly laughed. "Well, what do you know?" she said. "I'm sorry to burst your bubble, mister, but I think your bad luck just struck again! No one's been using these tracks for a decade now! You should try out that new rail depot down the block. Maybe you could finally get lucky and get yourself run over by a train there! I'm sure there are lots of those down there!" She laughed some more and then walked away, leaving Chad looking curiously at the camera.


"Die!"

"Help me!" Sonny shouted. "Help me!" She struggled with her bonds to no avail.

"OMG!" Tawni said in surprise. "Somebody help me untie her!" She began untying Sonny's ties just as Chad arrived. "Come on!" Tawni told him. "Help me help her!"

"No," Chad replied. "I'm not gonna help her out. Feel free to help her, miss, but I'm not gonna help you help her."

"What? Why?" Tawni asked him.

"That's my wife!" Chad told her. "I put her there because I caught her cheating on me with the mayor! And you know what's worse? The mayor's a woman!" To Sonny, he said, "Die, you miserable wench!"

Sonny could only look imploringly at the camera.

(Disclaimer: This does not in any way reflect mine or Chad Dylan Cooper's views on LGBT rights)


"Engineer"

Zora saw Grady lying on the train tracks. "What are you doing there, man?" she asked him. "Are you trying to kill yourself?"

"No," Grady replied. "I'm sure that no trains will be passing by these rails while I'm here."

"What? How can you be so sure of that?"

"I drank with the engineer last night!" Grady explained. "Look at him over there right now!" He pointed at Nico, who was also passed out drunk on the rails, and then Zora looked at the camera incredulously.


"Which Way?"

"Please don't kill me, man!" Nico shouted. "I beg you! I have a wife and two kids! I have four sick grandparents and four very young grandchildren that I have to take care of!"

"Which way should we put him on the rails?" Grady asked Chad. "Backward or forward?"

Chad thought about that for a minute. Finally, he said, "What does it matter? They both look alike! Just put him on the rails!"

Sonny, Tawni, and Zora entered the scene. "All right, guys, let go of him now!" Sonny said.

"Anyway," Tawni told the audience, "it looks like another episode of So Random is over. We hope that you enjoyed our latest installment."

"Let's see each other again next time," Zora added, "here on…"

"So Random!" they all shouted. They then proceeded to jab and poke each other.


Please read and review! - GR