I wake up slowly. My mind plays over yesterday and I remember our trip to Helens and what came after in the foyer, and then tub. The call with the doctors was phenomenal and I can't wait to hit the gym after breakfast. My smile dims as I remember my folks and the awkward dinner. At least I was able to salvage the evening. I've never made love like that before maybe I've never made love. Rubbing my hand over my heart I know that it is definitely love. I guess it does happen fast sometimes but there is no denying it anymore. I guess the question is when I tell Angelia. I look over at her side of the bed – I like that it's 'her side of the bed' – and it's empty. Frowning, I run my hand over the pillow and it's cold. Guess she's been up for a while. I throw on workout gear and head down to the kitchen. Everything is the same as we left it last night. While I didn't expect her to make breakfast for me, wouldn't she have eaten herself? Come to think of it, her suitcase wasn't where it was yesterday. I run up to the bathroom and there is nothing of hers on the counter and the suitcase is definitely gone.

I run back downstairs and Sam's in the kitchen watching me and thumping her tail. She didn't do this to me again? She didn't just take off in the middle of the night again? There's no note, my phone only has messages from my mom and Taylor. I sink down to a kitchen chair in utter shock. It's just perfect and exactly how my life has been this year. I fall in love and then she disappears, fucking twice! At least I can purge this anger by working out and fuck their 25%. I'll work as hard as I fucking want. Grabbing a bottle of water, I go downstairs to my home gym and warm up. A little cardio first, stretches next and now what I've really wanted. I begin the plyometric routine my trainer Andy created for me here. I can definitely tell it's been a while. My rust has rust. At least I've got enough anger built up to motivate me to push through. I can feel my muscles pushing back and it feels good. I increase the sets and am happy to see my muscles respond. I guess a few months aren't enough to lose all muscle memory. How the fuck could she do it after the incredible connection we had last night? Didn't she feel it? It's time for squats, the essential part of a hockey work out, with all of the variations thrown in. My muscles sing with the strain and it feels good. A little bit of sweat has started. Now that I'm in the gym I know the ice will be next. Another week, maybe two and I'm sure I can convince them I can put on skates. I wanted her to be with me and celebrate this success. She had been so supportive and comforting with my shit that I wanted her to see what I really can do when healthy. Well fuck her then! I don't play these kinds of games. Legs are cramping a bit, definitely not liking the strain, some running will help that. I jump on the treadmill and crank it up. It feels good to have my lungs working again. A little faster now, that feels great, just like before the game, well, maybe with a little more incline.

I notice Sam come running in, which she never does because the treadmill scares her. I look at the door and there's Angelia. I stop the treadmill and just stare at her. "It took me a while to find you." She says. "I didn't know you were awake. I went down to the lake for a walk early and lost track of time." She's smiling at me now. "So, how does it feel to work out again? Sidney?" I've just been staring at her. She comes closer and I flip off the treadmill and grab her in my arms smothering her. "Sidney, what's wrong." I silence her with my lips kissing her like my life depended on it. Actually, it kind of feels that way. She pushes against my chest to say "I really enjoy the kissing but what's going on? Your shaking babe." I'm having a hard time catching my breath, I'm just so glad that she's here. "I thought you left." I blurt out at her. She looks at me then looks embarrassed. "Well," she begins and slips out of my arms. "I did have a very late night chat with my sister. I freaked out, ok, I did. It was just so perfect with us. You even made me breakfast. And the sex, oh my God, I've never felt anything so incredible in my life, never had orgasms like that in my entire life, and then last night, last night I felt so precious but …" she takes a breath finally and looks at me. "Sidney, your parents hate me, they just hate me. I thought your dad was going to ask me to sign a contract just to date you and not ask for your money. But, Mariah stopped me from being hysterical, she's good at that, and reminded me to live in the moment. See what we can build here. Of course I don't know if you even want that." She pauses and looks at me strange. "Are you ok Sidney?" She rushes to me. "You look very pale all of a sudden. Maybe you should sit down." She rushes me over to a chair. I can't even think; she wants to see what we can build, maybe she does love me. Then I really can't think because everything has gone black.


When I wake up, I slowly open my eyes and see my mom. She has a cold compress on my head and looks very worried. "Sweetie, don't try to get up. Dad's talking to Dr. Burke in Pittsburgh right now." "What happened mom? I remember that everything went black, before that, before that I was … oh, where's Angelia? Is she ok?" Mom pushes me back down when I try to get up. I must be really bad if she can keep me down. "She's in the other room sweetie with your dad. They're both talking to the doctor. She said that you were working out then talking and while talking you turned completely white. Your eyes rolled back and you passed out. She did her best to keep your head from hitting anything but you may have a bump or bruise on your body. She's a little slip of thing and couldn't completely catch you. When you wouldn't wake up she called us from your cell. Your dad brought you up here to your bedroom. I'll clean up the mess in the gym before I leave. Won't be the first time I've ever cleaned up your vomit." I actually can't speak. Did I really pass out and puke? And on Angelia too? Shit!

Dad comes into the room with Angelia behind him. She looks really scared and brightens a little when she sees me. "You're awake." She says. "Yep" I tell her "and owe you an apology for falling and puking on you. Sorry." Dad laughs and puts his arm around Angelia "at least you got a gamer kid! She made sure you didn't hit your head and then called us right away. Clear thinking I say." My mouth is just hanging open now. Did he really just hug her? Is mom smiling at her? How the fuck long was I out? Dad continues "talked to Dr. Burke. He says you either weren't ready for the 25% workout or you went too hard. I suspect you went too hard, right?" I can't look him in the eye. I feel like a ten year old who's getting in trouble. "Sidney, did you work too hard" he bites out each word. "Yeah, maybe." Mom sighs, dad swears and Angelia just watches every one. "Well fuck kid, you know not to do that with a concussion injury. If you know nothing isn't it that for Christ sakes?" I can't tell him it was because I thought Angelia had left. I definitely can't tell him that I was trying to work out all the pain I was in from losing her. That is never going to happen. Let him think I just over did it.

"Dr. Burke says that you are back to zero. No strenuous activity at all; absolutely none. Your heart rate needs to be stable, no strain on any part of your body that would affect the blood supply in the brain." He glances at Angelia quickly. Mom didn't notice but I know Angelia did. "I will definitely make sure he rests and doesn't do anything strenuous." Angelia pipes up and mom smiles at her. "How long do they think I'll need to do nothing this time?" I know I sound like a ten year old but I feel that way too. "Burke said we'll talk again tomorrow and go from there. Soon we'll be in July. If you're smarter, maybe you can get on the ice in August. You won't be starting this season but you'll damn well play in it." I nod at him. Mom leans in a kisses me on the forehead the way moms all do. She turns to Angelia and says "I know you're a wonderful cook dear but I'm going to make some chicken soup. It was always Sidney's favourite when he was a child. I'll bring it over tomorrow. Is that alright with you dear?" Did mom just ask if she could come over? What did I miss being unconscious? "Of course Trina, please don't change any routines because I'm here. I'll give you a call tonight and let you know how our patient is doing." They all laugh, like I'm not even here and move to the door. Dad waves at me as an afterthought. The twilight zone, that's it, I woke in the twilight zone. Everyone is mad at me and loves Angelia. Next thing I know Sam will be a cat!

A few minutes later, Angelia comes into the room, climbs up on the bed and curls up beside me. "Don't you ever, ever, ever do that to me again. I was terrified. I wasn't even sure that you were breathing. You're so big so I couldn't move you; and then you puked so I just made sure that you didn't choke. I could only think to call your parents or an ambulance. I grabbed your cell and called them first." I turn my head to look at her and see stars accompanied by a marching band at the back of my head. She must feel me wince because she gets off the bed and comes back a few minutes later. "Dr. Burke said that you could take two of these if your head hurts. Your father said to 'shut up and take them' so I guess you don't like following doctors' orders much huh? Would you please just take them for me? It's killing me to see you in pain." I take them and swallow with the water. She puts the glass on the nightstand. "You were lying to your parents, weren't you? You didn't just over do it. What happened Sidney? You know that you can tell me."

I pause a moment but know I'm going to tell her. "When I saw that you had left, or I thought that you had left, I was pissed off. When I'm pissed, I work out and work off the mood. I think I got a little carried away, well, a lot carried away. I'm sorry. Your suitcase was gone, there was nothing on the counter in the bathroom, I couldn't find you; I guess that I just freaked out myself." She looks down at me with sad eyes. "I'm so sorry that I've given you reason to think that of me. I know it's totally deserved. But, I put the suitcase in the closet so we wouldn't trip over it and my toiletries are inside the cabinet, I know you are very particular about tidiness and I went to walk by the lake because I was trying to figure out how to tell you that I'm falling in love with you."


Well, I've said it now. It's out there and I can't do anything to take it back. Between Mariah smacking me around over the phone about trying to run away from my feelings again, then Sidney scaring me to death by passing out cold, I just couldn't keep it in anymore. He's just staring at me now, like he's stunned and doesn't know what to do next. I can't do or say anything. I'm just staring at him. He tries to sit up but then his hand goes to his head in pain. I try to get up but he grabs my arm and says "don't, please, just wait a minute for it to pass." I sit there, trying to be patient, and wait. Finally, he opens his eyes and takes a minute to focus on me. He reaches for me but I'm just out of reach so I move closer. He touches the side of my face and pulls me to him. When I'm an inch from his face, he asks "so you're in love with me?" I can only nod. "That's good, because I'm in love with you too." I choke out a laugh or a cry, I'm not sure which, and I throw myself into his arms. He wraps me in them and holds me tight to him. When we finally pull away we're both grinning like idiots. "It is really too bad you know?" He looks puzzled and says "what is too bad?" "That you are not able to do anything strenuous." He smiles and then understands what I mean and looks like a sad little boy. He's too funny. "Don't worry, the last day will hold me over until you're better and we'll definitely make up for it later. Why don't we just lay here and watch a movie?"

I grab the TV remote and try to figure out how to turn it on. Sidney grabs it from me and says "you're such a girl." He flicks it on quickly. "How's your head feeling, better?" "Yeah" he says "thank you and not just for the pills. Thank you for staying even after my parents were horrible to you, thank you for telling me how you feel and thank you for loving me." I look over at him and can't help the tears in my eyes. He is so beautiful right now, looking lovingly at me, but something else passes over his face. He looks lost again and very sad. I move to his side and stroke the side of his face. "Tell me, what's going on in that head of yours now." "That's just it babe, there's something going on in there and it just won't get better. These setbacks are killing me. I can't do anything to make it better. Dad's right, training camp is closing in and there's no way now I'm going to make it. Maybe I'll be able to get ready for some time in the season but I've had no luck so far, or all bad luck I guess, so I don't know that I'm even going to get there during the season. Every time I take a positive step I'm cut off at the knees again. If I don't train, I don't know what to do with myself. If I, oh God, if I can't play hockey again, who am I? Hockey is everything I've ever known, everything I've ever been good at and everything I want to do. If I can't do the only thing I can, what am I worth?"

The tears in his eyes make my heart ache. I wish that I could make it all better. I wish that I could say something or do something to stop his pain. So I do the only thing that has worked in the past, with a little something new. I take his face in my hands, wipe away a tear, and kiss him softly; once, twice, three times. Then I whisper against his lips "I love you" and kiss him again. He puts his head against my chest and begins to weep. I know he's trying not to but he just can't stop. I stroke his hair and whisper in his ear "just let it go baby, just let it all go." Now, he finally does. All the pain and frustration pours out of him and into me. I want to be strong for him. He needs me. He loves me. He needs and loves me. I would do anything for him and right now I just want to give him some peace. When he finally finishes purges himself, he lies across my lap and we silently watch the TV. I stroke his hair and down his arm trying to sooth.

There's Nascar on the TV so I definitely have to change the channel. Thankfully that's easier than turning it on. I can feel that Sidney has drifted off to sleep. The emotional purge and the pills must have finally done it. I find a documentary on the history of technological discovery and settle in to watch it. But I keep going back to look at Sidney and my mind goes back to when I called his parents earlier.

They came in the door and I could hear their footsteps on the stairs. "We in here" I yell out to them. I've tried to be so calm but now I begin to shake. Trina pulls me away from Sidney "come on sweetie, move away and let us look at him. We called Dr. Burke on our way over and he told us what to do." I let her move me away but won't go too far. "Angelia" Troy begins "did he bang his head in any way." "No" I answer him "his eyes rolled back in his head and he started to fall backward. I ran around and held his head as he fell. He was too big to catch all of him. He definitely did not hit his head." "Ok, we can move him then" and Troy picks Sidney up, with some difficulty, and we all go up to the bedroom where Troy lays him on the bed. Trina brings a damp cloth and begins to wipe at Sidney's face. "He's going to be ok Angelia. Really sweetie, he's going to be fine. This happened once before. You did really good calling us and doing it so fast. Protecting his head was the best thing to do. Thank God you were here." "Angelia, please come with me so that we can talk to the doctor" Troy asks me and I follow him out of the room.

We get Dr. Burke on the phone and I repeat exactly what happened to him. The doctor says "Troy, it sounds like a relapse similar to the one back in February. I suspect Sidney will tell us that he overdid it when he worked out which caused the symptoms. If he doesn't regain consciousness in the next five minutes then call for an ambulance immediately. If he wakes up before then, you know what to do. Wake him periodically to check brain function and tell him to do nothing. Absolutely nothing is absolute. We can talk again tomorrow morning with the rest of the medical team and talk about next steps."

Sidney stirs on my lap and I'm brought back to present. I lean down and tears I didn't know I had are falling from my eyes. I kiss his forehead and wipe at the tears. It's odd how often I've found myself with tears in my eyes since I met him; both good and sad tears – but mostly good. Now it's just a release from being so scared. I've lost too many people the last couple of years and I just literally couldn't take any more. I move my mind from those negative thoughts. Sidney is going to be fine and I'm going to help him get it back. This is funny given that I barely know what it is; however, I'm here for him and anything he needs. I have to stop being scared and remember that he loves me. This beautiful, sweet, loving, extraordinary man loves me. Now I need to do research to figure this out. Since I can't move with Sidney on my lap, I grab my blackberry and start a Google search on concussions and hockey. Surprise, surprise the first page of hits talk about Sidney Crosby.