Valentines Day… We all know it's just right around the corner, don't we? In fact, most stores haul those mushy, pink and red products in the aisles weeks in advance. I found myself walking down those said aisles a few days ago, and I'm grateful I didn't explode from the killer overload of romance and roses. Although Amestris doesn't participate in Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Halloween; we do somehow share Valentines Day with you pixies. I wish we didn't, because now I have to dread carrying around a box of chocolates, a bundle of roses, and those disgusting candy hearts that tastes like paste.
I used to let Valentines Day pass by without a care in the world. I didn't have to do anything, and I sure as hell didn't have a sparkly eyed female hanging on my arm, asking me what 'special' thing I'm going to do for her. If it were completely up to me, I would just be cheap and give her a hug. Hugs are good, right? That's what you girls like to get from guys, don't you? You women always complain if we aren't affectionate enough to you, so hugs should be plentiful on V-Day. But I'm smart enough to realize that a gift like that would just have me sleeping on the couch at night for a whole month. Not to mention the concussion I would develop from getting hit repeatedly in the head with Winry's damn wrench. Mind you, I probably already have one. It's still most likely the whole reason I ended up marrying that psycho woman.
So I'm sure you all know that I don't exactly have a normal wife. It's Winry Rockbell for god's sake. Not only will I have to get her typical Valentines Day gifts, but I know she's expecting something spectacular from Rush Valley; something that has to do with automail. I'd rather send my brother down there to do the shopping, but I found out that he's heading off on some vacation with his crush. I'm betting it's that shy girl from our hometown. The one that always walks her cows through all of Resembool. I think her name was Nellie or something.
So now I'm stuck going off by myself. First of all, I have no idea what is supposed to be considered quality automail or shining examples of screws and bolts. I should just drag my family along and just have Winry pick what she wants and be done with it. The sole reason I can't do anything of the sort is because she insists on being surprised. But we all know what's going to happen if I don't get something that's up to snuff for her. I'll get complained at for days, and in the end I'm going to have to take another ride down there and find something else. Pray I'll find something worthwhile the second round; else it will turn into some freakish violent, whiny cycle.
Why do we even celebrate Valentines Day anyways? We all know that it eventually hurts people's feelings. Not that it ever bothered me, but somewhere in everybody's circle of friends, there is some poor fool that will sit on his couch on the said day and eat a cold can of his favorite comfort food all by himself. And single women who have either had past relationships or none at all will do one of the following.
One- They will most likely complain and express their pure hatred for the romantic wannabe holiday. They will insist that it is a complete waste of time, and most likely toss in that 'men are useless to be around anyways'. These kinds of girls usually have a sympathy crew and complain amongst eachother on the phone or up close in person for hours on end. Most of the time it will last all the way until 12:00 a.m. hits.
Two- These girls will most likely remain cooped up in their room and snuggle a picture of their ex and long for the days of… all the mushy times. By the end of the night, their bedroom is usually flooded with snot tissues and tears.
Three- One of you poor females will end up being a third wheel for your best friend and her boyfriend. Your supposedly loyal pal is snuggling up next to her sweetheart at a movie, while you shiver in a seat by yourself, comforted only by candy bars and buttered popcorn.
Of course men have their own ways of handling this gushy time. Mustang has a field day with Valentines Day, I'm sure. The bastard probably travels all over Central, fooling women into thinking they are his 'one and only' by giving them flowers and a nice time in bed for a good while. I can see what Hughes meant by insisting the damn man needs to find himself a wife to settle down with. But it's obvious that the colonel is still deathly afraid of commitment. But then again, I do know that marriage sometimes can feel like a ball and chain on your leg. I don't care if you pixies don't agree with me either. If any of you are married, feel grateful you aren't living with a borderline personality lunatic like my bittersweet wife, Winry.
Anyways, I already did my early shopping for this annoying day. When I was at those stores, I felt comforted by the fact that many other men like myself looked just as miserable and lost as I did. They say misery loves company, don't they? How true that is. But misery hates company when that 'company' tries to snatch up the last giant teddy bear from one of the many V-Day shelves. I say this because it happened to me… I already had a handful of bad luck when I actually left the house that day. Since my wife is unfortunately feeling better, I had to listen to her nagging at me to change Emily's diaper before I left- not to mention she also felt the need to whine at me about the extra weight she was still carrying from the pregnancy with our dear daughter.
"Edo, do I look fat?"
"No, Winry. You look fine."
"You promise?"
"Yes… I promise."
"Why did you hesitate just now?"
"What…?"
"You just paused when I asked you to promise."
"So?"
"You never pause when you promise! Is there something you want to say?"
"What?! No!"
"Well then answer me again! Do I look fat to you?"
"Winry, you know damn well I can't win this! If I say no, you never believe me, and if I say yes-"
"So you're saying 'yes'? You think I look fat?"
"……"
I believe most men realize that the 'weight' issue with their woman is never something to discuss at any time. It doesn't ever matter if she brings it up first. In the end, the man is always the one who looks bad and we all know it. If you ask me, I say women thrive on making us squirm with such topics.
Anyways, after I got a partial smack across the face for not giving her a 'genuine' promise, I went onto changing Emily's diaper and left soon after. Not only was it freezing cold outside, but I happened to run across Havoc moping down the walkway with his usual cigarette poking halfway out of his mouth. Judging by how sad he looked, I determined that he had no 'sweetheart' for V-Day and would probably be one of the many who sat inside and indulged themselves on that comfort food I spoke of...
And alcohol...
If you ask me, I'll bet any amount of money that Mustang was the cause of his grief. The colonel is notorious for stealing other men's girlfriends. It never bothered me until I became closer to Winry and eventually pronounced her my girlfriend in the past. Now that she's married to me, I feel like I have to keep an even closer eye on her. I know how sly that bastard can be…
Whatever… What was I talking about? Oh yeah…
I made my way to the nearest store down the block and prepared my eyes for the sickening sight of cuddly, bright colored boxes and stuffed animals. Once I stepped inside, I instantly felt intimidated. I even considered stepping out and transmuting a gift for Winry instead. It would have worked if I was aesthetically inclined, but I've heard my designs aren't the 'cutest'. Personally, I find them awesome and interesting looking, but I've gotten nothing but rude insults and shameless stares from not only my wife, but my brother and my young daughter. I even made her cry once with one of my transmutations. So therefore I'm not allowed to bring alchemy into the picture whenever gifts will be involved. And here I thought it was supposed to be 'the thought that counts'.
Yeah, so walking down those aisles gave me the creeps. I quickly snatched up a heart shaped box of chocolates, a romantic card with embarrassing but tolerable words, and finally worked on finding the perfect stuffed animal for her.
Now tell me, did any of you ever imagine that there would actually be a large teddy bear that was designed especially for female automail engineers? Apparently Winry is not the only one who insists on being a mechanical junkie.
Anyways, it was the perfect gift. The bear had a fake, cushioned plush automail arm, carrying a pillow heart with the words' I love you' across the front of it. Personally, I believe my brother could have transmuted a better version. I'm proud to say that my young sibling pays close attention to detail... Of course he's not better than me though.
So it would be my luck that the perfect gift for my wife was the last one on the shelf. I was staring right at it and reached out to grab the damn fluffy thing just as some nerdy teenager reached out to do the same! Now most people would feel sorry for the lanky boy, but I had my hands on it first! I know my brother would be one of the few that would withdraw and surrender the giant teddy, but I'm not so generous, I'll admit. Instead, I gave the freckled kid a death glare and yanked it over till I had the entire fuzzy plush in my possession. Unfortunately, the whiny kid looked as though he was about to cry and ran off, loudly beginning to complain that I stole a gift he was about to buy. That got me a lot of rude stares, but I'm pretty good at ignoring it…
And I did...
If you ask me, I did the boy a favor. If he really was giving a gift to some crush of his that had an unhealthy interest in automail and such, then I had saved him from a possible abusive relationship.
So I bought what I needed and I went right on back to my house. I fully intended to buy Winry some flowers, but I didn't want to buy them too early. In fact, that was something I realized I could do with alchemy. I know that people don't like most of my transmutations, but I am capable of making some nice flowers, oddly enough.
Unfortunately for me, my wife is about as nosy as a small child who tries to peek at their presents beforehand on their birthday. The only difference with her is that she's straightforward-meaning she didn't hide the fact that she wanted to know what I bought her. I'm lucky I even got in the door and managed to hide the damn things before she came racing down the stairway with Emily tagging along in her arms. But once I did put those gifts up, she was quick to place our dear daughter in her playpen and hang on my arm with those sickening puppy eyes. My wife is known to be pushy after all…
"So? What did you get me, Edward?"
"None of your business…"
"It sure is! They're my gifts."
"No, they're your gifts when I give them to you."
"Whatever… You got something for Emily, right?"
'..Shit…'
"Edward? Don't tell me you forgot our daughter?"
"……"
"Edward!"
"What?! I didn't know I was supposed to get a present for her!"
"You're such a jerk! Get back out there and get something for her!"
So apparently I'm a jerk for forgetting to buy our daughter a Valentines Day gift. But I suppose I'm misunderstanding the point of all of this. I was always told that the day was for couples and the time to buy eachother things…romantic like things. I wasn't aware that my daughter was supposed to be included in my romance with my wife.
Conception doesn't count.
And speaking of buying eachother presents, I actually dread the thought of what my beloved Winry went out to get me. In fact, if I were to make an educated guess, I'd say she didn't go out to buy anything. She's addicted to upgrading my automail ever since I married her. I'm most likely going to end up getting some sort of homing missile installed into my right arm or left leg. That or glamorous, sparkling, diamond knuckles.
Anyways, I'm now charged with going back out into the freezing cold to go find a gift worthy of the little Emily. There's not exactly much I can get her though. She can't have chocolate because she doesn't exactly have teeth. I can't get her a card because she obviously can't read either. And flowers would be useless until she at least gets to the age of four or so. So now that those are all kicked off the list of V-Day presents… that leaves only one thing…
A stuffed animal.
Now if you saw Emily's room, you would understand my reluctance to buy another one of those things. I don't think any of you realize just how many times I've had random people come to our front door to drop off gifts to give to my young daughter out of the kindness of their heart…And they are always stuffed animals!
"Oh, Gracia… Thank you. I'm sure Emily will love this big teddy bear."
"It's the least I can do for such a sweet girl. What a darling!"
"…Yeah."
Of course I'd always much rather have Gracia and other neighbors come along in the place of a certain useless bastard.
"Mustang, what the hell do you want?"
"Just came to drop off a nice present for your daughter."
"Yeah, whatever. Just give it to me and get out of my house."
"So impatient, Fullmetal…"
"Give me it!"
"Say please…"
"Plea- Screw you! Get out of my house!"
"Alright, alright. Here you go."
"……….What the hell is this thing?"
"It's a plush, Fullmetal."
"Yeah, I can see that. But why does it look like you?"
"It does look like me, doesn't it? I figured Emily would benefit if she got off to an early start and-"
It was then I just pushed the pervert out of my house and slammed the door in his face. I kicked the plush out too. There was no way I was giving that monstrosity to Emily. I'm certain it would have just given her nothing but nightmares anyways.
Anyways, off the topic of Valentines Day for a few minutes. I already got everything I needed for both my wife and daughter.
So now I'd like to bring up a little something with you guys. Remember those stories I had you all tell me? Those embarrassing, terrible stories that you would all rather forget? Well I sure remember… and I made sure to go through each and every one and decide which one of you deserved to be in the comedy section of the Central Times.
I did warn you about doing something along these lines. One of you is going to be the new laughingstock of the city.
So I'll just go ahead and announce the potential winners.
- i found mah brain- This was the poor soul who bent over and allowed her pants to rip open while folding underwear. I always laugh at those people, so of course I'd like to place something like that in a newspaper. And luckily, I have Armstrong around to illustrate these stories for me. Makes reading that much funnier when there are pictures to accompany it.
-LittleChemist- How can I forget the story of a public dinner with a snot bubble? Sounds like something the people of Central would like to hear about. It also seems like it would come out as an interesting picture.
-General Eiko Suzuki- Anybody who falls face first into the ground after jumping up and down from singing 'Jingle Bells' has the obvious grace of a drunken ballerina. But nice… I like that one.
So with that said, I have to go and spend some time with Winry. I have to get ready to give those presents to her too. I'm choosing to fully prepare myself for either the better or the worst. And to be honest, neither of them is actually appealing. If she likes the gifts, I'm going to have to hear more of her agitating screeching and happy squealing. If she dislikes them, I'm going to get an earful of pouting and pathetic moaning and groaning. But I will admit, I'd rather hear the happy squealing instead. It not only promises me a few good meals in the near future, but saves me a trip from having to travel all the way back to Rush Valley.
Anyways…er…Happy Valentines Day, I guess… I really wish nothing but the worst for all of you, but I promised my brother I would at least attempt to act like I care.
Now… off to see the reactions of my wife and daughter. In the meantime, one of you mind dating Havoc for the day? He's camping out in the front of my house, and I need to get rid of him…
Silverbell: I understand this chapter wasn't so great. My mind has been fogged up all month. I'll probably have better luck with my other story. But here's wishing you guys a Happy V-Day!
Edo: I wanna talk about Emily next chapter… I'm sick of talking about Winry.
Winry:……What?
Edo: Oh my! Look at the time! Bye pixies!
