A/N: Next chapter's gonna take a long time. Anyways, leave a review and all that crap.


"All, all is theft, all is unceasing and rigorous competition in nature; the desire to make off with the substance of others is the foremost - the most legitimate - passion nature has bred into us and, without doubt, the most agreeable one."

—Marquis de Sade


Harmony

Quantum

Time: 7:30 PM

Location: Tattoo parlor

"No way," Dante said assuredly after patting Weasel's back. "Weasel's got this in the bag—you fools might as well give up!"

Weasel acknowledged the fan with a tip of his hat before chugging down his eighth mug of apple cider. Weasel's surface appeared calm and ready, even though his legs were so hefty. Inside however, he had a building fear that his competition would outlast him. The stallion's tower of masculinity was about to get bombed by a plane of misjudgments. True, he was against a girl in a drinking contest. Colt versus filly, you'd think that the colt ought to win by a long shot right? But that doesn't mean you should underestimate your competitor. Somepony forgot to teach Weasel this.

"Uh, no way? Hon, I think you're about to get a real harsh wakeup call!" Antares stated plainly. The samurai filled another cup of cider for Arc Flash.

"I don't like you Weasel, you look like an asshole." Arc Flash gurgled as she drank the hard alcohol. "I don't like your face."

"Feh," Weasel smiled smugly. "It's a wonder you even lasted this long. You're pretty good, y'know… for a mare!"

Night Shade fumingly stood up from her chair. Only to be put to rest by Bodhi. "A wise man once said: Don't taunt the alligator until you've crossed the creek." The soft-spoken pony said to the mahogany stallion. Bodhi had expanded his vocabulary exponentially since he joined the herd. Though, for some reason whenever he talked there always was a saying or metaphor in it.

Lunar Blaze scoffed. "Where'd ya get that from, a fortune cookie?"

Runic Writings cantered down the stairs to join the herd in the workshop. "You guys are so lucky I'm doing this. Everypony here does stupid shit every single day and I have to cover for it. Y'know it's hard keeping the guards from coming in here, I can't keep a lid on this forever or my ass is grass."

Wisp defected from the contest to speak with him. "Now, we can't have all been that bad."

"Oh please! First, Cryo here completely ruins my business with his rape face—"

"Hey," Cryo heard that and confronted the tattoo artist indignantly. "I don't have a rape face!"

"Whenever you smile it looks like your about to touch them, remember last week?"


Time: 7 days earlier

Slow day. Nopony ever came anymore. Runic hadn't a customer since last year. Money steadily made its way into his pocket because of his shares with the herd. Still, he'd rather work his magic, make an honest living. But he knows that feat is near implausible now. However, it wasn't impossible.

Bell ringed. Runic met a cute paste blue filly. She just wanted a re-dye of her mane. That was it. She sat down in front of a mirror. A black shadow with a giant white smile materialized in the reflection.

"Hiii…" The shade greeted.

"AH! Oh hello… um, are you here for a tattoo as well?" She turned to converse with Cryo, who had his usual attire on. His shades and herd suit.

"Nooo… who are you?"

"I'm Colgate! I'm a Dentist, it's a living. What's your name?"

Now's my chance to impress her, this is it. "I've taken countless lives! Extorted multiple ponies' accounts! I'm wanted for murder, indecency, etc. I own an arsenal of illegal weapons. The size of which is about… I don't know… half the length of my dick. In other words, I have a ton of spears, bows, and the usual. And my eyes are black!" With speed, he took off his sun glasses. "Wanna date me?"

Colgate shrieked in horror and raced out the front door. She tripped a couple of times, but kept getting right back up and booking it.


Time: Present

"She overreacted!" Cryo defended himself.

"Yeah, overreacted, sure… and you're no better Iron Skull!" Runic turned to the appalled soldier. "What with your anger management issues and such…"


Time: 5 days earlier

Telephone rung, Runic waved Moneybags to the phone with a hoof. On the other end was a panting Iron Skull.

"What's up boss man? I'm calling from a phone booth. Yo I just bucking nailed jeebs here! I know we've been havin' a hard time, so I totally robbed this guy in his sleep. Guards almost got me, but I used im' as a hostage and left without a hitch. Aw dude, it was so cool. Should've seen the look on his face! Hilarious, funniest thing I've ever seen. The robbery went so smoothly too, right old guy?"

A croaky voice picked up. "Let me go ya ghetto ruffian! I'm too old for this shit!"

"Be a sport and tell my boss I did a good job or I shoot you in the OTHER testicle!"

"NO! You did very good young man, best robbery I've seen since… never— nonetheless, an excellent heist!"

"Ya see boss, isn't that great?"

Moneybags sighed. "He's gonna lie no matter what, son. Now stop trying to impress me like I'm your alcoholic father and get your ass back here."

"Jeebs ain't lying, I trust im'. You're not lying to me, are ya old guy?"

"… No."

"And you aren't just saying that cuz' I'm pointing a loaded crossbow at you right?"

"What! Pfft… why would I do that? You exceeded expectations for a first-timer!"

"I thought so. Wait, whaddya mean for a first timer?"

"N-nothing, I didn't say that!"

"Somepony's asking for a skull-fucking!"


Seal Soul

Time: present

"Maybe I went a little overboard." Iron Skull admitted.

Moneybags inhaled greatly. "Attention assholes," Everypony faced boss. "We need to do something big. I mean real big, so ponies will fear us, so we can get loaded with bits. I'm not talkin' bout a bank robbery or more drugs either. One heist is all it will take and we'll be integrated in history with the greats. Celestia, Luna, the princesses will know horror. And we will bask in time's accolades, and rob this generation of all the accomplishments that may have come. For my brothers and sisters, we will outdo them all! Equestria's finest criminals—sound good, eh? Oh, the glory! I cannot hold back any longer my friends!"

Wonder Splash interrupted the gloating gangster. "Will you just tell us already? Enough suspense bro, let us in!"

"We are going to steal…" Moneybags smiled gently and adjusted his shades, "The elements of harmony."

"AHAHAHA! Good one!" Dust broke out laughing hysterically. The rest of the herd didn't know what to say, or if they did, they kept it to themselves. But not Dust. "We can huff and puff all we want—we're not blowing those doors down! How much security is in there anyways?"

"Well, the most elite guardsmen in all Equestria. A watchtower being managed by the princesses themselves, security is up the wazoo, an insane magical barrier, thick metal walls protecting the elements which are also enchanted by the way, two of the most skilled alicorns in the known timeline, and only one escape route."

"… Well I think I just shit myself." Lunar Blaze said mostly to himself.

"We can do this. You're all prepared for it. It won't even be as hard as you think, at least, it shouldn't be. We just need to sneak past the guards, foal-nap Celestia while she's asleep, shut down the security, insert the horn in the keyhole, and boom."

"Yeah," Arc Flash chuckled. "It's that simple!"

"Not with that attitude it's not." Seal Soul chirped. "Plus, I've been workin' my ass off since I got here. Know what I'm saying? I got weapons for all ya'll crazy bucks. Pony specific ones too. They complement your fighting style! And might I say, match all your personalities! Ain't that the shit?"

"I don't need a weapon. I'm strong enough." Iron Skull grudgingly refused.

"Aww, but I had this oversized war axe for ya. It had flames painted on it too. What a shame…"

"It would help a little." The red stallion stumbled back when Seal chucked the weapon at him. He gave it a couple swings and a spin for flair. "How am I gonna carry this, blacksmith?"

"Got a saddle all set up for ya red."

Iron Skull faked-out Sol with a swing before throwing it over his new saddle. "Gonna be hard to beat that, assholes."

"What uh—what do I get?" Sol stuttered.

"Aw yeah, can't forget the lieutenant can I? Here, a spear." Seal gave the pegasus a magnificently crafted wooden spear. The end had an emerald point, wrapped with white and black feathers. "Classy, know what I'm saying?"

Lieutenant doormat sheathed the weapon under his wing, thanked the blacksmith, and vanished from the forge light.

"Burn…"

Dante stomped his feet in frustration. "IT'S NOT BURN! Aw… it's Dante, whaddya got? Oh, I know! How about a bucking bazooka, aw yeah! No, get me a grenade launcher. Bitches love grenade launchers!"

"No stupid-ass. Those haven't been invented yet! Stop your goddamn triflin' and take a look at this bitch!" Seal deployed an enormous spear from the forge. All of it black as night but the lower half of the blade, which was brilliant silver.

"This is decent too. I can channel my magic with this, good work!" Dante leaped back to the rest of the gang.

"Where's my brother Bodhi at?" Seal bounced with anticipation.

The martial artist made himself apparent to Seal. "Patience is a virtue, Seal."

"I worked especially hard on this one." The gray unicorn pulled out a shelf from his worktable. He seized a slick neon blue horseshoe. Sparks of electricity surged from the contraption. "I call it the pony power puncher! 1,000 watts on that john, it's fashionable, and it fits like a slipper."

Bodhi inserted his right foreleg into the heavy duty outlet.

"Just don't get an itch or anything! Oh and by the by, it took a long time making that horseshoe—don't be doing anything retarded with it! Know what I'm saying?"

"Heavy, not well balanced… but it'll suffice, thank you friend." Bodhi bowed respectfully before dissipating in the dark.

"Heavy, not well balanced, waaa…" Seal whispered in a mocking tone.

Moneybags snuck up on Seal Soul and touched his shoulder.

"OH BUCK! Oh it's you, man ya got to stop doing that boss. Gave me friggin' heart attack I swear…"

"If your heart attacks you, I'm gonna kill it. Are you nearly through? No offense but uh…the readers are getting bored." Moneybags turned his head toward your computer screen for a mere second before returning to his underling.

Seal could not find what the boss had seen and acknowledged. "The buck, you said we're not allowed to break the fourth wall!"

"I prefer leaving it to the professionals…"

"Yeah," A bright pink filly with a defiant mane burst from nowhere. "Leave it to the professionals, homie."

"We had an agreement Pinkie… how did you even get in here?"

"Pfft, I don't know, portals maybe? Actually, I should be getting out of this fic anyway. Little too much death goin' on here, you know? Peace out!" Pinkie Pie happily hopped out the front door. "Hehe, this is fun! I'm all fading in the darkness and stuff, no wonder you guys do this all the time. Look at me Moneybags! I'm mellltiiing!"

"Keep it real Pinks." Moneybags said in reply.

"Haha, good one! I'll have to remember that!" Pinkie called before disappearing.

The Mafioso shut the door. "Good kid—a bit random—but her heart's in the right place. What am I doing here again? Oh yeah, hurry it up with the equipment egghead."

Seal trembled rebelliously. "Damn man, I still got a flamethrower for Jackal, a chain for Cryo, an automatic crossbow for Lunar, bombs for Cackle, staff for Quantum, a sniper cannon for Bread…"

"Sniper cannon, really, that sounds kind of ridiculous. What is it Seal? A one-hundred foot long, narrow cannon, with a scope on it?" Moneybags slurred.

"Eeyup, that's exactly what it is. I just hope he doesn't sleep on it."

"He will."

"I know. Oh and Dust is getting a tomahawk, Loin Heart's getting a mace, Weasel's got a ballistic knife. OH and the ladies! Night Shade has dual batons on her saddle, Splash has spiked horseshoes, and Wisp gets poisoned tantos, Stargazer: a visor that increases the range of her illusory spells, Antares gets another katana! And sorry… you and Doll didn't want anything."

"You've done enough Seal. But you were so caught up in making weapons for others, you forgot about your own… ya nerdy fuck-bucket."

"Wha—… AW NO! DAMMIT!" Seal almost jumped into the fiery forge.

"It's for the best Seal. You's deserves some rest. Try not to blow the place to smithereens while we're gone, okay?"


Wonder Bread

Time: 10:00 PM

Location: Canterlot Coliseum

One shot. One anti-magic, full-metal, 9.3x62 millimeter shot. And that idiot was snoozing on the shoulder rest.

"Bread, ya son of a bitch get on that canon." Moneybags and the rest of the herd roosted below the bridge leading to the marble castle, on the precipice of the rocks while Wonder Bread nested atop the Canterlot Coliseum. Arkane possessed a charm that allowed the two of them to talk telepathically. Like a psychic bridge of sorts.

Patrols had reached their change of shifts. From dawn till dusk, Princess Celestia observed the surroundings of her kingdom in her snug watchtower. Neither rulers let that spyglass out of their sight. Five seconds, maximum, was the interval between them when they switched. That was the time to strike. The baffled alicorns would never know what hit them.

"Ready…" Moneybags' thoughts passed into Wonder Bread's consciousness. "She's almost done…" Celestia removed her head from the telescope and moved her lips back at her sister, "Now!"

Three seconds later the bullet hit the barrier. It pierced through it in a heartbeat. "Wind speed, gravity, luck and bingo." The edge of the eyeglass shattered explosively. Wonder Bread slowly blinked. "You guys better move, think I'm gonna hit the hay, later…" The toast-brown unicorn automatically formed a snot bubble and dozed off.


Moneybags

Location: Canterlot Castle

"We're on the threshold." Moneybags finally caught the small shards of glass falling from the watchtower. "Roll out." The Magic bubble was the first obstacle. "Cryo, Arkane, do it."

"Hehe, let's get some!" Cryo hosed concentrated liquid nitrogen from his horn.

"Will you calm down… friggin' sped." Arkane followed up with a blast of purple fire on the iced force field. A regenerating one hundred foot hole was put in the seemingly impenetrable barrier. The herd infiltrated the castle grounds quickly. "What now… smart guy?"

Moneybags gave Wonder Splash and Stargazer a wink.

The yellow pegasus nodded and went into a predator stance. They were in the statue garden of the palace. Not many troops went through this green expanse. A white stallion in uniform was lying against the gate to the gardens.

"Oh mister, please help me!" Stargazer whined from the other side.

"What the—who goes there?" The guardsmen had a deep, masculine voice.

"I was just going through the garden on tour earlier in the day and I got lost. Would you ever be so kind as to let me out?" Her eyes flashed pink.

"Uhhh… yeah, sure, Not sure how you lost yourself but uh… come on." He thrusts open the gate.

"Thank you so much baby. You're sweet, so I'm sorry for what happens next. I really am."

"… What?"

Wonder Splash sent a barrage of punches on the stunned officer. His grievous wounds from her spiked horseshoes knocked him out in two seconds. "Quantum, stop the bleeding for me will ya!"

"Sorry partner," Quantum said as he bandaged the crippled guardsmen. "Ah know you were just doin' your job. Ya'll be spick and spam tomorrow, bright and early. Ah promise ya." He removed the armor.

Moneybags smiled at Loin Heart.

"Oi no, I'm not bloody doing it. I thought that was just a joke, ya goddamn wanker!" Jackal held Loin Heart down against his will. Wisp fit the utility onto the marshmallow unicorn. "This'll never work!"


Loin Heart

Time: 11:00 PM

Loin Heart approached a duo of spearmen at the castle doors.

They crossed spears when Loin Heart got close. "Halt! Who goes there? What… I haven't seen your face before, you a recruit?"

"Uh… yeah, I'm here for the thing."

"What's the thing?"

The other guard nodded his head. "Oh yeah, the thing, can't believe we forgot about that!"

"There's a thing?"

"You know the thing with the guy and the place."

"Oh you mean the place with the thing where the guy was at?"

"No dude, the other thing!"

"Ah, like the one thing that happened at that one time in the other place."

"That's the thing!"

"Tch, how did I forget about that? Never mind, you may pass." They sheathed their spears.

"Uh… thanks." Arkane eventually found the control room. A microphone allowed him to address the entirety of the castle. He knew what to say. "Attention assho—I mean castle denizens, please evacuate the premises immediately. Princess Luna was nearly shot by a sniper at the Canterlot hotel. All guards are advised to proceed there with caution." He turned off the red button. "Now we'll have fewer buggers to deal with."


Dante

Time: 12:00 PM

Cackle bashed the doors down with a few cherry bombs. Princesses Luna and Celestia did not cower before the robbers. They stood defiantly next to each other. Their manes were intimidating. Flickering and growing with anger. Celestia sneered. "You petty thieves had the gall to trespass here. You snakes will pay for your crimes, be assured. I am the judge and jury. And I give all of thee the death penalty."

"Motion passes!" Luna hovered in the air, her eyes glowing white.

Dante laughed. "Well ain't you girls just the bucking definition of princess. You two are beautiful, smart, and know exactly how to defend yourselves. But guess what my highness?" He spun his scythe three times in the air before catching it with his mouth. "I'm ugly, dumb, and know how to bucking attack! Polar opposites! But the biggest difference is…" The black unicorn leaped onto the ceiling, bounced off, and plummeted toward the princess of the sun. "I'VE GOT A FUCKING SCYTHE!" He swung his weapon into the floor, imbedding it in marble. Celestia jumped back, then flung open her wings and charged Dante. They clashed horns. "Haha, you look even better up close!" Suddenly, two giant worm-like red energy arms burst from the ground. The overgrown body parts clapped in front of Dante, Celestia jumped up just in time. As a result, the clap's noise made everypony but the two fighting cover their ears.

"You don't know what you're fighting do you?" She aimed her horn at the ground- bound unicorn and let loose a rain of energy beams. Dante reacted by shielding himself with his giant magic arms. Celestia honed her essence in her horn and shot down toward the thief, intending to impale him. "I am the queen of Equestria! AN ALICORN! I WEAR THE CROWN!"

Dante stretched both arms back about a mile, making fists with both. "SO SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!" His fists flew back like a rubber band. The two opposing forces collided with each other, both struggling to overtake the other down.

Luna rushed Dante from his left side.

Cryo nailed the moon princess with his iced chain "Now that's just not fair!" He chortled. When Luna got up Cryo's mad grin stretched even wider. "Hahaha… alright, alright, alright… we were having a great time! A one on one face-off! And you had to interfere! Hehe, Now you're gonna die. I'm gonna kill both of you!" He sprinted at her with a crazed expression.

Luna's bravery had expired. She had never seen a pony's evil of this magnitude. Not even Night Mare Moon had this much bloodlust. It had to be impossible, how could somepony kill so readily? A thought passed her head. She could still get out of this. She took off into the sky, through one of the holes in the roof of the watchtower. "Wait! You can't kill us! How will you get the Elements without the key? That is what you're looking for right? You aren't terrorists! Let me help you!"

"I'LL TEAR THAT HORN OFF YOUR FUCKING HEAD!" Cryo whipped his chain across Luna's wing.

Princess Celestia caught her mid-fall. "Come now sister, have courage. We can defeat these ruffians if we combine our powers!"

"… Okay Tia. Let's end this." They put their horns together and pointed toward Cryo, who was falling from the watchtower. They began charging their beams.

"Hey Cryo, need some help?" Dante dived until he was next to Cryo.

"I don't know. Isn't putting our horns together gay or something?" The blue stallion teased.

"Shut up." They pulled themselves toward each other and charged their beams.

"SUN AND MOON ROYAL COMBINATION!" The sisters blasted a yellow and blue swirling energy beam at the falling gangsters.

"HELL'S NINTH CIRCLE: DIS, ROAR!" A blood red projectile tinged with a lighter blue soared into the Royal Combination.


Cryo

Time: 12:45 PM

Two unconscious alicorns laid in the dirt, marks of their horrid landing scarred the grounds. Two hundred feet away from them, Cryo and Dante ate the dirt on the opposite side of the watchtower. Cryo could hardly move his body. "I... Ow… I think we got em'. Haha, we bucking got em' Dante! How about that? …Oh no." Dante's right foreleg was completely gone. The bone and excess flesh hung off of the amputation.

"I'm bleeding here!" Dante said in a panic. "Oh shit… its gone isn't it?"

"Guys, get the buck over here!" Cryo's smile had left, now replaced by a grimace full of worry.

"Oh shit." Moneybags held Dante in his forelegs, and kneeled on his hind legs.

"Ve need stimulants now ve…" Cackle was interrupted by Moneybags shaking his head side to side. "Oh."

Dante shook like an earthquake "Oh what, Come on help me!"

Moneybags took off his shades. "Son, Burn… Dante, look at me." Dante widened his eyes, Moneybags actually used his name. "You're dying son. That's what's happening."

"No, no, I can't die. I've got shit to do! Don't let me die. Please, please god, don't let me die."

"Shh, it's okay… it's okay. It doesn't hurt. Trust me, it doesn't. It's like going to sleep. It's just like going taking a nap alright? In a minute or so… everything's gonna get real warm. Almost like a blanket. Embrace it." Moneybags unbuttoned his uniform and rested the knife beside the unicorn's head. "Come now, don't look at me like that. That's not the Dante I know." Dante coughed up more blood as he tried wiping his teary eyes with one hoof. "Do you love anyone Dante… anyone you've ever loved above all else?"

"My… my parents, my cousin Twilight."

"Let them take you… let them take you."

"Thank you, Moneybags, for everything… let me… get Bodhi over here." Moneybags was a bit shocked that he would want Bodhi at a time like this. "Bodhi, get over here."

The young light blue pegasus was just as surprised as Moneybags. He neared the soon to be corpse.

"Lean in dude. Get closer."

Bodhi leaned closer to Dante.

"Now you listen up… I know we haven't talked much… in fact, I don't think we've ever spoken a word to each other." Blood gushed from his muzzle. "You have to do it… you're the only one that can do it."

Bodhi raised an eyebrow.

"Kill A. I want you to do it, it has to be you… not out of revenge… or pleasure… or hatred… do it your way." He grasped Bodhi's neck. "Do what's right… in the name of the herd. Take that son of a bitch's life. That's all I ask… just you." He repeated.

Bodhi nodded.

"Swear it!" Dante commanded.

"I swear. He will die by my hoof."

"Thank you… could you get Arkane and Sol over here."

The addressed ponies hurried to his side, both sobbing. "Dude you're not dying… get up. Get up!" Sol cried. "You still owe me a bet remember, you piece of shit! How are you gonna pay it off if you're dead! You owe me… you owe me…" The lieutenant broke down in front of his friend.

"Sol. Know something?" Sol wiped his tears. "I didn't mean anything I said to you. Not one. You're not a crybaby, or a coward, or any of those things… you've got a heart of gold. And you've always been a little brother to me. I'm not asking for forgiveness, I just wanted you… to understand."

"Forgiveness…" Sol threw down his spear and straightened off the ground. "FUCK YOU! You can't just fucking say you're sorry and hope that's good enough of a payback… what kind of fucking brother are you anyway? Why did you have to go and fucking die!" He cried even more. "You're not sorry… you're not sorry… you don't get off that easy!" He picked up his spear and walked away.

"Take care of him Arkane…" Dante said calmly.

"He doesn't hate you. It's not your fault. He just has a lot on his plate these days."

"Haha… no wonder he looks a little chubby."

"Just hurry up and die, prick."

Dante chuckled. "Y'know… I love you guys." After five more seconds of coughing, Dante smiled. His eyes were lost in the wonderful starry sky.


Next Time: Part 2

More OCs next chapter, Pinkie Promise!