Lies We Told Ourselves

by Kadi

Rated T

Disclaimer: Not my sandbox. I just love playing in it.


Chapter 11

By mid-morning the following day, they were no closer to finding Croelick than they had been the previous night. They had a direction that he had gone in, at least initially, but in a city that size it was going to be hard locating him. There was a want out for him now, and they were using the media. They were telling people that he was wanted for questioning in relation to the fire at the Los Feliz towers. A tip line had already been set up and sightings were being reported. Croelick couldn't hide forever, and with his ego, they knew that he wouldn't. They would have him soon.

The arson investigators were finally able to enter the apartment building, however, and those reports were being sent over. The evidence recovered from the eleventh floor was still with the lab, but the team was working with the preliminary reports. In the meantime, they were also still looking into the disappearance of Maria Samples. Their instincts told them that they were going to find a body, but they still needed evidence to that fact, and proof that Croelick was responsible.

It was the preliminary report from the apartment fire that Andy was reading when a package landed on his desk. It was a thick manila envelope, already opened, with no markings on the outside to indicate what it was. He looked up, eyes widening and a smile appearing when he spied the owner. "Hey." He stood and leaned in to kiss his daughter's cheek. "What are you doing here?" He was glad to see Nicole, but that didn't stop the sudden wave of anxiety that swept over him. From the corner of his eye he saw Ricky's head lift and turn toward him. There had not been time yet for the conversation that he needed to have with Nicole and Charlie, and realistically, Andy didn't see that happening until after they had gotten a break in their case.

"Hi dad." Nicole gave him a small smile. "I found that on my car this morning when I went to take the boys to school," She lifted it again and pulled out the contents. "At first, when I saw this, I thought it was just your way of being cute." She turned the picture toward him. It was a photograph of him with Sharon's son. It was a candid shot of the two of them standing beside each other next to her father's car. Both men were smiling. There was a note written on it in silver ink. I thought your brother was older than you? "You know," she continued, looking nervous and upset, "your way of telling me that you and Sharon had finally gotten engaged. If that was the case, I would have used a picture of Rusty since he is a lot younger than I am. Then I saw this." She pulled out another photograph and a folded map. These she handed to her father. She didn't want to look at them again.

Andy had a sinking suspicion about both of them. He could feel his anger rising as he turned the second photo over in his hand. It depicted the burned out shell of a car, and what was definitely a body laying in the back seat. His jaw clenched. He could feel the heat of his temper rising in the flush that was spreading up his neck. He turned the second item over in his hand and opened it. This one was a map. There was a location circled in red, with another note. I wonder what we'll find here?

"Come on." Andy curled a hand around Nicole's elbow and drew her away from his desk. "Mike." He handed the photos and the map, and the envelope, over to the other man. "Get those down to SID. We need prints. You'll find mine and Nicole's on them; we'll get a set from her for comparison in a few minutes."

"Sure thing." Everyone in the Murder Room had been watching the exchange. Mike looked at the items now and winced. Croelick was stepping up his game, and not in a great way. "I'll walk them down myself."

Ricky stood up. "What's going on?"

"You probably want to come with me." Mike told him. Somehow, he just had a feeling that leaving him there would be a really bad idea. "Looks like Croelick left another calling card," he waved the package in his hand. "I'll show you where our SID department is. I think you'll like it…"

"Let's talk," Andy said. He drew Nicole with him, but rather than walking down the hall with her to the break room, he pulled her toward Sharon's office. Andy glanced in through the open blinds before pushing her door open. He knew that she had spent most of the morning on the phone, but now she was bent over a stack of paperwork.

She looked up as the door opened. Sharon's eyes lit up upon seeing Nicole. "Hi," the smile that started to curve her lips froze when she saw their faces, the worry on Nicole's and the anger that was brimming just beneath the surface for Andy. Dread settled inside her in a cold, hard knot that had her frowning instead. "What happened?" She put her pen down and sat straighter in her chair.

"Croelick." Andy maneuvered Nicole into the office and closed the door behind him. He waved her into a chair. "Have a seat."

"No." Nicole looked between them. "Dad, what is going on here? Who is Croelick and why were those things left at my house?"

"What?" Sharon's brows rose. Her gaze moved to the Lieutenant. "Andy."

He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Nicole found a package on her car this morning. I think we know what happened to Maria Samples now. There was a picture of a burned out car and a map. There was also a picture of Rick and me from yesterday." His hand dropped, he looked at Sharon. "He was following us. After Rick and I came back here, he would have had plenty of time to set that fire."

"Okay," Nicole moved away from her father. She turned so that she could look between the two of them. "What is going on here?" A frown drew her brows together. "Who is Croelick, why was he following you, and what has this got to do with me? What fire?"

"Nicole." Sharon spoke quietly, gently. "Have you seen the news?" She smiled sadly at the girl. This is not how either of them wanted to have this conversation with her. She deserved so much better. It frightened her, as much as it angered her, that Croelick seemed intent on involving all of their children.

"No." She said, frustration filling her tone. "The boys had dance class last night. We got home late. The mornings are always hectic now that they're both in school. I haven't had a chance. Why?" She stressed the question and looked hard at her father.

"Bill Croelick is a suspect we've been looking for." He gave her the short version of the story. "I've dealt with him before. We're looking for him in connection to his girlfriend's disappearance and now the fire at Sharon's apartment. We think he set it."

"The complex that I lived in at Los Feliz was seriously damaged last night," Sharon explained. "Most of the upper floors are now gone. It happened in the early evening. While there have been some serious injuries reported, there haven't been any deaths. Your father and I weren't home, but Rusty and Ricky were. They're both okay," she quickly added.

"Oh my god." Nicole's eyes widened. "That's horrible. So…" She was trying hard to understand. "This guy is coming after your family now? Dad, I took the boys to school. Should I pick them up?"

"No." He laid a hand on her shoulder. "They're actually safer there. We'll send a car over to keep an eye on the school, but I'm sure they will be fine. We'll have your house watched too." He looked at Sharon who nodded. "Look, Nicole, this guy is a real piece of work, but it's me that he's messing with. I don't think you have anything to worry about." Andy only hoped that was true. This was twice now, and two of his kids that the psycho had gotten close to. He was thinking more and more that jail might not be an option at all, but those were not thoughts that he would give voice to.

"Okay." Nicole folded her arms across her chest. "I guess if Sharon is involved too, and he was watching you, that explains that weird note."

"What note?" Sharon looked at Andy again. Her brows lifted in askance.

Andy rubbed a hand across his forehead. Suddenly his head was throbbing. "The picture of Rick and I. The note was addressed to Nicole. Croelick was telling her that he thought her brother was older than she is." Charlie was the oldest, with two years on Nicole. His daughter was several months older than Emily. She had been just a toddler when his wife kicked him out. She had fewer memories of the bad years. It made it easier to connect with her again. Charlie remembered. He knew how bad it had gotten before the divorce.

They could lie to Nicole now, buy themselves some time. Do this the way that they had wanted to, but there had been enough lying. Sharon stood and rounded her desk. "Nicole, take a seat, honey." She sat on the edge of her desk and smiled at the girl. "This is going to be a long story." She looked at Andy and shrugged. They had run out of time and choices.

"Dammit." Andy felt like hitting something. He hung his head for a moment. He walked over and leaned against the back of one of the chairs. "Go ahead, kid. Sit down."

Her gaze moved between the two of them again. They were really worrying her. Nicole sat slowly and let the strap of her purse slide off her shoulder. She set it on the floor beside her. "Why do I have a feeling this is going from bad to worse."

"Not necessarily," Sharon told her. "It's just complicated." She leaned forward and was able to just barely lay her hand against Andy's shoulder. She let her fingers slide down his arm in a comforting caress. "Nicole, you know that your father and I have known each other for a very long time. We have told you that, haven't we?"

"Yes." Nicole answered carefully. She didn't want to be on guard, but her first instinct was to steel herself against bad news. She wanted to trust him, but her track record with her father wasn't great. He was doing so wonderfully these last few years. Nicole felt badly that her heart was already breaking in preparation for what she might hear. She sighed softly and lifted her chin. "Just tell me," she said. "Whatever it is, let's just do this."

Andy shook his head. He stared at the chair in front of him. This was what he expected, the mistrust, the immediate slide toward anger. He looked up at Sharon and shrugged. "Just do it. It's fine."

"No." Sharon ached for the pain in his gaze. "No it isn't." She understood the mistrust, she saw it in her own children where Jack was concerned. She didn't believe that Andy deserved it. Not anymore. "Nicole, I would like for you to keep an open mind. What I'm going to tell you isn't easy. It is incredibly complicated, and it is incredibly personal. Can you do that?"

"I can try," she said. That was all that Nicole could promise. She would listen. "So what happened?"

"Your father and my ex-husband were friends a very long time ago," Sharon began.

"Acquaintances," Andy muttered, not wanting to admit that he had once liked that man.

"We all knew each other," Sharon continued. "I was younger than you are now, and your father wasn't much older. It was a very long time ago," she said again. "I don't think I have to explain your father's history from that time, I think you know it well. Your parents were already divorced. My ex-husband, Jack, and I were separated. I didn't even know where he was," she added. "Your father and I became closer..."

Neither of them were looking at her now. Nicole watched Sharon shift uncomfortably while her father straightened. They looked pained. They also looked very ashamed. Her eyes widened. "Oh my god." Nicole stood up. "He's yours." She was staring at her father now. "Ricky is yours."

"Yes." Andy met her gaze. "Sharon and I… actually, we were practically living together before it ended."

"Jack came home," Sharon continued. "Nicole, what I would like for you to understand is that my ex-husband and I already had a child together. Emily was only three, and no one in my family had ever divorced before. My mother is devoutly Catholic. It simply wasn't done." She gestured helplessly. "Added to that, I had missed him. I still loved him. He said all of the right things, and he had stopped the behavior that had driven us apart, or so I believed.

"We ended it," Andy said. "I went my way, and Sharon went hers, that just happened to be the same way that Jack was going. We didn't talk again until a few months later. She tried to tell me she was pregnant and I wouldn't let her. I was half drunk and thinking about getting even drunker. I sent Sharon home to her husband."

"Your father knew that he was in no position to take on the responsibility of another child," Sharon explained. "Jack was willing and seemed perfectly capable. We were putting our marriage back together and moving forward with our lives."

"By the time I had been to rehab and dried out," Andy said, "it seemed like it was just too late to change that. Rick was five or six, and even though Jack was gone again, I was still picking up a lot of the pieces of everything else that I had screwed up."

Nicole had a hand pressed to her mouth. She shook her head at them. "You lied to us," she said, eyes moist and voice soft, thick with emotion. "You lied to all of us. Does…" Her breath hitched. Her stomach twisted painfully. "Does he know?"

"Yes." Sharon answered. "Ricky is aware of the situation. Your father and I had every intention of telling you and your brother when we found out Ricky had been told. This all came to a head this week, Nicole. Somehow Bill Croelick found out." She wouldn't go into all of that. They could cover those details at a later date, but for now, she felt it was probably better to keep it as simple as possible. "He's doing his very best to use this information to try to hurt your father, and so far, it's working."

"Rick has known for years, "Andy told her. "We didn't know that he found out, and he didn't know that I knew the truth. We're dealing with all of that, Nicole. I wanted to tell you and Charlie after we wrapped this case and I knew where we stood on all of it. I just talked to Rick about it for the first time yesterday."

"Wait a minute." Nicole walked away from them, to the far edge of the office. She stopped there for a moment before turning. "So… all of those times that we assumed that you were dating. All of those times that you said you weren't. What was that? More lies?"

"Nicole." Sharon stood. "No," she said gently. "Our past is complicated. We were barely even friends for a very long time. What happened between us twenty-five years ago played a big part in that. My life didn't turn out how I would have liked it to, and there was a part of me that blamed your father for that. When we told you that your father and I were just friends, we meant it. We believed it. We put that past behind us and we didn't look back. We didn't want to. We didn't want to admit how wrong we were. We didn't want to admit that we both made a mistake. I didn't want to admit that I made a mistake. I was looking for a fairytale, and fairytales don't exist, honey."

When his daughter looked at him, Andy shrugged. He sat down on the edge of the desk and clasped his hands in his lap. "I did something I swore I never would. I walked out on one of my kids. I wanted to believe it was the responsible thing to do, and it probably was with all things considered. The better choice would have been cleaning up my act. I didn't want to have to look at that. I had enough mistakes to make up for. I worked on that instead. I told myself that he didn't know about me and he was probably better off. He already had one deadbeat drunk for an old man, he didn't need two."

"Dad." The sadness in his gaze, and the regret, they both pushed past the anger that was trying to take hold of her. Nicole sighed as she took a step toward him. "I am so mad at you right now." The puppy dog look just did her in, every time. She almost wished that he would make excuses, try to blow it off as something insignificant. She hated when he did this, when he was genuine about something that she wanted to be angry about. "I don't even know what to say."

"Neither does he," Andy pointed out. He gave her a small, sad smile. "You're not alone. The whole situation is pretty screwed up. We're all aware of that." He looked down again. "Listen kid, I don't have any more explanations for you. I know it doesn't sound great, but it is what it is right now. I don't know what's going to happen."

"That's why your father and I agreed that we would wait to tell you," Sharon said gently. "We've barely scratched the surface of this with Ricky. It has been a very difficult couple of days for all of us, Nicole. I am sorry that this was, quite literally, dropped on your door step. We never imagined that Bill Croelick would reach out to you. Believe me we will take every precaution to make sure that he goes nowhere near you or the boys. Or your brother," she added, thinking of Charlie.

"Thank you, Sharon." Nicole managed a small smile. "I appreciate that. I believe you. Dad, I'm sorry. You're right, it's complicated and personal. I'm glad that you told me. A few years ago you would have just lied about it again." Nicole's smile widened a bit. "That is definitely the Sharon Effect."

"Oh no," she was quick to correct her. "That is all your father. I've had nothing to do with it, Nicole. He has worked very hard to get where he is now. He's also worked very hard to try and repair his relationships with you and your brother. I would really hate to see this undo all of that. I understand that you're angry; you have a right to be. Just know that…"

When she seemed to trail off, at a loss for words, Andy sighed. "We were young, and we were stupid, and as messed up as it was, we tried to make the best out of it."

"I think I understand that." Nicole shrugged. "It's going to be hard to wrap my mind around it. I think it may help a little if we talk about this in our next therapy session." She smiled when her father winced. That meant the conversation would include her mother. She could understand where he would want to avoid that. He was right, if they were divorced, then this had nothing to do with her mother. "You know, dad… Let me tell Charlie. I know you want to do it, but…" Her brother had her father's temper. Sometimes he didn't know how to listen past the emotions flooding him. "It might be better if I ease him into it. I'll call Doctor Walker and set up an appointment for just the three of us. You, Charlie, and me, and we'll talk… after Charlie has time to cool off."

Andy didn't much like the idea of airing all of this in front of a shrink. He could just imagine how it would be torn apart and analyzed. "Yeah," he said anyway, "that sounds like a good idea. Let's do that." He rose from the desk and looked at Sharon. "I need to take Nicole out and get her printed. She touched the package that Croelick left at her house. We need elimination prints."

"Have Detective Sanchez do it," Sharon told him. "The two of us have to stay as close to the edge of this investigation as we can." She turned and gazed into the Murder Room. "Where's Ricky?" She asked, upon not spotting her son.

"He went down to SID with Mike," Andy said. "They were going to hand over the package and get copies of everything."

"I see." Tao had gotten her son out of the way for this very awkward confrontation. Sharon made a mental note to thank him. To thank all of them, actually. Her personal life was quite thoroughly interfering with their work. She would have to make it up to them.

Nicole made a face. "That ink isn't going to stain is it?"

Andy fought the urge to grin. They would take her prints electronically, but he couldn't suppress the urge to mess with her. "A little," he said.

"Dad." She groaned. "I just got a manicure."

"Andy." Sharon rolled her eyes at him. "Nicole, there is no ink. They'll scan your prints."

Nicole made a face at her father when he laughed. "Thank you, Sharon." She picked up her purse. "I need to get home, so we should do this. Mark is only in school half a day. I'll have to pick him up soon."

"Nicole," Sharon stopped her as she left. "Don't be too hard on him. He tried."

"I'll think about it," she said. Nicole shouldered her purse and moved out of the office when her father held the door open for her.

"I'll let you know when the results come back from SID," Andy said. For the rest of it, they would talk later. He shrugged at her. It hadn't gone badly, but it hadn't exactly gone great either. That seemed par for the course for him lately.

Sharon nodded. "Send Ricky in when he comes back, will you?" She moved behind her desk again. She would have the conversation with him about Nicole. Sharon decided that she could do that much. Andy deserved a break. He was trying to take all of it on himself. She simply wasn't going to allow that. Not anymore.

By the time that he returned from his grace errand with Lieutenant Tao, Ricky found that Nicole had gone. Her elimination prints had already been added to the system. They were just waiting for the print analysis from the package left at her house. Ricky knocked on his mother's door before stepping into her office. "Hey." He walked over and dropped into one of the chairs in front of her desk. "So, if she's already gone I guess it either went really bad, or kind of okay."

Sharon looked up at him from over the rims of her glasses. "It went… as well as it could have gone," she said quietly. She put her pen down and clasped her hands together. She had spent the morning on the phone with the insurance company, her lawyer, and the president of the Condo Association. The forms on her desk had been sent over by the insurance company. It was going to be weeks, possibly months before a claim could be settled since there was an Arson investigation on going. She was thankful that she had some place that she and Rusty could call home while they waited. She imagined that there were others among the building's residents that were not so lucky.

Ricky was tempted to roll his eyes at her, but he knew from experience that wouldn't end well. Instead, he leaned forward and let his arms rest against his knees. "Mom." His exasperation was evident. "What does that mean? Was everything okay?" She was forgetting that he didn't even really know Nicole. Had she blown a gasket? Thrown a tantrum? Was she in danger of tossing herself off of a building? If it were Emily he would know what to expect. She would have left the room, without ever saying a word, and they could expect days if not weeks worth of silence. Emily could give a cold shoulder like no one else he knew, except maybe their mother.

"Ricky." Sharon sighed quietly. She leaned back in her chair and folded her hands against her stomach. "Nicole is sad, and she's upset, and she's very disappointed. She's willing to work on this with her father, and she offered to speak to Charlie for him." She offered a tentative smile. "Apparently he's very much like Andy. She thinks that he should have some time to cool off before Andy tries to talk to him about this."

"Wow." Ricky slumped back in the chair again. "That doesn't sound great. Suddenly I'm starting to understand how Rusty felt last year, and wasn't I just a ray of sunshine."

"You were, actually." Sharon smiled brightly at him. "Darling this is nothing to worry about. Andy is going to work through things with his children. I think it will all be okay in the end. It's going to be a process. You've been living with this information for years, they're only just finding out. We're going to have to give them all some time."

"Time?" Ricky snorted. "It's not their lives that turned out to be a lie." His mother's wince made him look away and sigh. "Sorry."

"No," she said quietly. "You're right." Sharon looked down at her hands. She picked at her nails. "You were lied to. I absolutely expect you to be upset about that, just as I expect Nicole and Charlie to be upset about it. At some point, though, I would very much like it if all of you would stop punishing us for the mistakes of our past. I think we would like to move on with our life, even if I don't know right now what kind of life it will be."

"Right." Ricky smirked at her. "Of course you don't." His dark eyes sparkled at her. "Mom, do you know that in all the time that I've known you… which is basically as long as I've been alive and capable of comprehending words, I've never heard you to talk like that. Do you even know that you've stopped being you?"

Her brows drew together in a puzzled frown. Sharon's head tilted. "What do you mean?" She sat a bit straighter in her chair. "I'm still me." She didn't believe that she had changed that much over the years, at least not where her children were concerned.

"No, I mean…" Ricky grinned. "It's the pronouns. Over the last few months I've been noticing it, but now it's just so obvious. You're not saying I or me anymore. It's all we and us and our. You've never been like that before. Not even when you were with Jack."

"Oh." She looked down again. She felt her cheeks flushing with heat. "Ricky." She didn't know what to say. Sharon hadn't noticed how much she said that. Now that he was pointing it out to her, she was realizing how right he was. She toyed with her thumbnail. "Maybe because this is not a temporary situation."

"You think?" Ricky pulled himself out of the chair. "Mom, I think the only person who didn't know that was you." He braced his hands against her desk and leaned against it. "Kind of like… the only person who didn't know you were dating was—"

"Oh my god." Sharon groaned. "Are you kids never going to allow us to forget that?" Her head fell back against the chair. "Honestly, I am so far beyond tired of being teased because I was more interested in building a solid friendship with the man than I was in jumping into bed with him."

"Oh!" Ricky covered his ears. "No!" He turned away from her and started for the door. "God mom! Don't say those things!"

"For the love of…" Sharon leaned forward in her chair. "Ricky, honestly. What is it that you think we do? Sit around and hold hands while we watch Jeopardy? I seem to recall that we had this talk once already, but I'm willing to do a refresher if you need to. Don't you have a date tonight? Maybe we should review before you go out. You seem to have forgotten how you came into this world."

"I am over this conversation." Ricky pulled her door open. "Seriously over it, Mom. God." He stumbled out of the office and pulled it closed behind him. The fact that his mother was laughing at him didn't stop the full body shudder that went through him. When Andy turned to look at him he shuddered again. "Gah!" Ricky turned and headed quickly down the hall. He had to get away from them and find some way of bleaching his brain.

Sharon just placed her chin in her hand. She hummed quietly. "One day they'll learn." Through the open blinds she met Andy's gaze. His head inclined. Sharon just shrugged and rolled her eyes. She turned her attention back to the paperwork on her desk.

-TBC-