|Cat|

Down

down

down.

I hang up without saying goodbye because my throat gave out. I stare at the screen for a moment, my eyes fluttering closed as I hear her voice echo in my skull.

Are you hurt?

I cross my arms and squeeze my chest until it hurts, feel my nails scratch the fabric of my shirt, searching for skin. I want to hurt on the outside. I want to resemble the pieces I know I am under my flesh, within my bones. Something high pitched and painful scratches out of my throat and I dig harder, fingernails tearing desperately at my clothes. I want to dig inside, dig down, downdowndown, until I can feel tissue and muscle tearing away, giving out, I want to be hollow and empty, like my heart aching to pulse, with its stupid talking and its stupid whispers and its stupid engraving words all over my insides, the scars it beats against me, JadeJadeToriJadeTori -

I don't remember walking to my window, but I press my palms against it if just to keep them away from myself. The glass warms under my hands, my open eyes watching the lines of heat that ripple out from the curves of my fingers. My breath fans between them, filling the spaces with fog. I turn my head up, eyes on the sky, the soft baby blue blanket that wraps around the sun and I wonder what it feels like to be safe, to be tucked somewhere close like a baby in a womb, to not think or know or feel anything other than safety, other than home.

I remember feeling that in arms pale as snow, eyes like forests and a tongue slathered in the sweet tang of coffee. But her words burned that home down, the ashes were left to smolder in the cage of my chest, to fill up my body like dust.

I felt it again not a day earlier, just yesterday, with skin that smelled of fruit and was the color of milk chocolate, eyes of Earth, a soul that called out to mine that had yet to do anything but wonder and learn.

My hands clench against the window, my hips trembling as Tori's memory is swallowed up by one much greater, a loud gasp ripping over my tongue as I remember Jade slamming me into the wall, her lips crushing against mine, hips striking hips like rocks trying to spark. I remember her fingers tracing under my breasts like she was trying to recall how to write, drawing out all of these old words we used to say stored in my chest like treasures, the letters writing themselves over my skin; forever always here you me us this now.

Rivers soak my cheeks, my lips, my eyes squeezing shut to try and dam them. I turn blindly, feeling with my feet until I hit the edge of my bed. I crumble, fingers pulling desperately at my comforter and pulling the blanket over my head, shadows meeting my eyes. My body seizes, the ghost of her still there, haunting me from the inside out. I can still feel her between my legs, my muscles climbing, riding with her, like remembering how to ride a bike - I never forgot her, she was just locked away.

But her lips and her fingers and her eyes were the keys and Pandora's box has been ripped open.

There isn't time here. I don't know how long I stay under there, breathing in pocket of hot air beneath the pink fabric, but I don't want to crawl out. I want to bury deeper, down, six feet under, until the dirt under my fingernails turns them black. I want to rot and get eaten away, empty sockets and useless bones in a box with no name.

I think I'm dreaming when I hear someone knocking on the door. It's distant and soft, knuckles rolling on wood downstairs and through the hall. My puffy eyes blink open, met only with darkness, and for a fleeting moment I think I've gone blind. I lift a groggy hand, pushing the blanket aside, feeling my pupils constrict painfully as light and my bright pink walls assault them. I sit up slowly, my limbs creaking like an old house. I feel like that, like a forgotten building, abandoned and falling down.

I feel condemned, like they're days away from tearing me Downdowndown.

A voice swims up the stairs, a whisper I can't understand. I stumble out of the sheets, my feet gliding over the carpet as I reach my bedroom door. A name surfaces, my brain still making connections somewhere inside of my skull, and then I'm gripping the door handle and throwing it open.

"Tori!"

I scare myself with how loud I'm shouting, like I'm about to fall or I'm on fire or something - but it feels the same, and she needs to get up here, I need her, I need her now. "Tori!"

"I'm right here, Cat!"

And then she's swinging around the corner, brunette hair spinning after her. One hand is braced on the wall, the other pressing against her chest like she's trying to keep her heart in. My eyes snap to hers, locking in like a deadbolt, and I'm taking two long steps to slam into her, arms winding around her waist. I feel the breath crush out of her as I breathe in, the smell of her perfume swimming into my lungs. I turn my face into her neck, nails digging into the stripes of her t-shirt. She feels so solid and real and it lifts me Up so fast I forget how to inhale, half expecting my toes will hover right off the floor.

"Tori," I mumble, my next breath coming in sharply. My nose brushes against her neck as her arms curl around my shoulders, fingers in my hair.

"Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

She pulls me back, dark eyes darting over me like she's searching for a wound. I feel heavy and so dirty, so dirty, and Tori can make me clean, I know she can.

"Come here." I reach out, taking her by the wrists. I twitch a smile up at her, pulling her back into my room. Her brows meet over her nose, gauging me. I giggle - she looks so confused, so very lost, and as I pull her into my room and close the door behind her, she becomes like stone, a nervous rock under my hand. Teeth pull at my lip as I guide her hands to my hips, eyes slowly trailing up her neck, resting on her mouth. I lick my own.

I'm dirty, Tori can make me clean - I'm Up, Tori can take me higher.

I turn, pulling her with me. She's silent, her lips parting like she wants to talk but can't remember how to form words. The wall meets my back and her hips hesitantly meet my own. I smile softly, my hands releasing her wrists to drift up her chest. She hitches when my fingertips graze over her breasts, smirking slightly. I almost feel like ... like a snake, like Tori's a mouse, and suddenly I just want to eat her up.

"Come here," I repeat, the words a whisper, tilting my head up so my lips graze over hers. She shivers, her head shaking slowly.

"Cat, I thought -"

I kiss her, cutting the words off, and a moan of surprise vibrates her lips. I pull her closer, my arms circling around her neck. The hands on my hips tighten and I smile behind the kiss, teasing her lips with my tongue, pushing my hips forward.

I'm dirty I'm dirty I'm dirty get her out get her out get Jade out -

"Tori." I mumble against her lips, pulling her closer. She gasps again and I can feel her hands shaking, her legs wobbling, and then she's drifting along the hem of my shirt, her fingers silently asking for permission.

"I don't understand, why are we-"

I kiss her again, stealing the words out of her lungs and bringing them into mine. My hands slink down her chest again, following her arms. I blink my eyes open, licking my lips as I put distance between our faces. I push her hands up my shirt, her arms tensing, trying to pull back. "It's okay," I say against her cheek, smiling. "Touch me."

Get her out get her out I'm dirty I'm dirty getJadeoutofme -

Her hands roam tentatively over my stomach, fingers trembling over my ribs. I urge her further, her fingers running along the length of my bra. I hear her swallow, my lips turning back to her neck to kiss her again and again, her body stiffening when my tongue reaches out to taste her.

"Please," I say, the words barely audible, but even I can hear the strain within that one word, the panic. I need her now, faster, here, pleasepleaseplease before I fall downdowndown.

"Cat, I don't ... I can't ..."

"Please." It's sharper, louder - I'm begging, my Jade mask slipping, my hands pulling her harder, closer, fingers circling around her wrist and shoving her fingers past the waistband of my sweatpants. Tori jerks as her fingers meet the wet cotton of my panties and I gasp, pushing my hips down, my eyes closing. "Please, Tori, please, please -"

She's inside of me please get her out I'm dirty I'm dirty -

She tries to pull back again, her fingers gliding over my clothed core and I gasp again. I yank her forward, my fingers tight enough to bruise her wrist but I don't care, I need her, I need to get Jade out, to replace her with a new hand, a new face, a new name, I don't want Jade to kill me from the inside out. I have a virus and Tori is the cure. I'm sick. I'm sick and dirty and falling down, down, downdownDOWNDOWN.

"Please! Get her out! Get her off of me!"

I don't know how loud I'm screaming, but Tori's saying my name, over and over, tugging her hand out of my grasp and my knees fail, buckle and break, and the floor meets them with a slam. My bones ache and I curl, bringing my knees to me, feeling Jade in my veins, burning under my skin and scalding my skeleton and I'm filled with the ashes of the fire she set, the broken remains of the house we built with our hands and lips and words, our forevers, turning to dust inside of me.

Tori swims in front of my eyes, her image drowning in the oceans that have puddled in my eyes. Her fingers smooth through my hair.

"Talk to me, Cat, baby, please ..."

I shake my head, the words sticking in my throat. She shouldn't be touching me, she shouldn't be holding on. I'll only bring her here with me, Down. I don't want to do that to her, I don't want to see her in the same kind of pieces I am.

"Jade," I say, the word acid on my lips, burning my tongue.

Tori's eyebrows screw over her forehead. "What did she do to you?"

"I ..." I swallow, closing my eyes. I don't want to see her face, I don't want to watch what ripples my words will create when they land in the lakes of her pupils. I shake my head, pressing my knuckles to my eyes. "I let her ... we ..."

I don't have to see her to know that it's clicked, that she knows, and I sob hard, turning away from her, the wall to my cheek. I want it to pull me in, make me a house again, with doors and windows and stairs and dark corners, so I can lock myself up, so I can be condemned and torn apart.

"Cat ... I thought we, we were going to be, how could you?"

Her last words are whispers, the black of hurt filling my ears like smoke. How could you? How could I?

I hear her stand up. Her feet slide across the floor and the door opens. I peek from the slices in my hair, her bronze legs pausing, shaking. I can feel her eyes on me, burning holes into my hands, and then she's gone, the smell of her perfume following after her.

She doesn't slam the door and the walls of my room are a tomb of wrongs.


A/N: Because Tori's chapter was a filler, at least at this point, I decided I would post this chapter ASAP to keep the plot moving along.

I hope you all had a great weekend! I have a load of projects coming up that I need to get done, so the next update might take awhile. In any case, you should review. It brings me joy when the stress of school work brings me Down.