Remission. A word that Naomi would never believe was true. It had almost been a full year since this treatment started and she barely knew who she was anymore. Her hair was a little longer than a pixie cut by now and her skin now back to its normal pale glow. Everything felt… new and exciting? She made it. She really fucking made it and yet, what was missing? Sarah had told Naomi over and over whom the girl in the frame was as she recovered. Over the months, it went from girlfriend, to best friend, to old friend. It was terribly exhausting for her nurse, but she let it happen. Emily wanted it that way, but Naomi asked too many times, over and over. She would always hear, 'No that's not right.' In the back of Naomi's throat, whenever the word friend came up. She knew something.
"You're very lucky, Ms. Campbell." The doctor spoke and Naomi played with her hands waiting for the final diagnosis. "This treatment went well. You and half the patients did make it out okay. Remission. All of you. Now, this means you can return home to England or you can stay here in case things are still uneasy for you."
Naomi didn't want to think about home. She knew her mum was there; they spoke on the phone weekly until she was finally able to form proper sentences. "I'll have my answer in a few days." That was her answer.
Naomi didn't feel like herself anymore. She felt apiece was missing with this long treatment. She didn't remember the first half. She didn't remember pieces of her life that were supposed to stick. College was a faded memory. Mates were gone from her mind. She only remembered her mum and Kieran. What was there to return home to? Really? What in the hell was there for her now?
"I said I was sorry, Melissa. I don't know what else you want from me!" Emily screamed at the shorthaired brunette from across the room. "You always miss my plays! Always. You never care, do you? Always stuck on that fucking ex-girlfriend of yours, right? Well… go be with her. Because this is bullshit. Five months of bullshit, Emily." Melissa yelled back, continuing packing her bags angrily. "This flat is bullshit and everything you ever said to me was too. You're a sad, lonely, cunt." Emily took the brunt of the yelling. It was appropriate for her to be getting this end of the fight. Melissa and her had been fighting this entire month and then some. Emily just lost her spark. She knew something was wrong and this wasn't helping. Her mind was still off months back after saying her final goodbyes to Naomi. She didn't know what the status was. She didn't even know if she was alive or not.
That broke her heart.
The door slammed and Emily flinched while she sank down onto the couch of her flat. Melissa was officially gone and she was okay with that, even if she had started drinking straight from a bottle of wine. How many times did Melissa come home from work and Emily had been two bottles gone and nose deep in old photos of some girl she used to date? That's what she always heard out of her now new ex-girlfriend. She didn't plan on dating. Emily planned on staying in New York but her internship was over and she managed to get a new job in London. Same thing, different town. Tears flowed down her cheeks but she wasn't even sad about the break up. The New Year… it was coming. Straight out of the cold outside, she stared at the calendar across the way in the kitchen. Two more days. No plans. Not even any wine left since she had guzzled it down.
Emily made herself dial the number she had been avoiding for months. She had a few emails during the time from Sarah, but that wasn't enough. Drunk and lonely meant she needed to know. "Hello, yes. Blah, blah, blah, hospital." Emily muttered into the phone while the hours went off and more told her about charges. "Campbell, Naomi." Emily's voice choked at the name she hadn't said in at least four months time.
"I'm sorry, Miss. She's checked out." Emily's grip on the phone loosened and she forgot to breathe. "What do you mean?" She held back her sob by pulling the phone away from her mouth. "She's left the hospital. About a week past? Yes, according to her charts she's no longer a resident in the Cancer Treatment Center."
Emily let her phone slide down her neck and land in her lap. The muttered 'hello's' asking over and over from the nurse on the other end rang around the room until the dial tone sounded. Dare she call Naomi's old phone? No. Dare she find where she was? No. This was what she wanted, according to what she said to Naomi.
Then it hit her at once. The crushing pained feeling in her chest. Nearly seven months ago… seven months of holding it all in. Emily leaned to the side and let her body contort into a ball. She hugged her knees and let the tears slide down her cheeks onto the couch. Her arms shook and her mind could only think of regretting the entire thing. Why did she leave her? Why didn't she stay? Emily knew in her heart that leaving Naomi would be what she really wanted, but it wasn't what she wanted. Never in a million years. Her person, the actual love of her life was out there waiting to be found again.
Emily flipped open her laptop and purchased the first ticket to California. More than 16 hours and three transfer flights, she'd be there. She'd get her answers.
Delay. Delay. Delay. All fucking flights delayed. Emily should've figured that dropping nearly one thousand pounds on this trip would have problems. At least it didn't break her spirit. Snow was plastered around the Eastern coast. Rain and sleet was around the Midwest where another transfer set. Finally, settling in California, where rain was harder than in Bristol wasn't the best of the day. Although she purchased the tickets as fast as she could, Emily couldn't get out of London until a week and a half later. It was torture, but she didn't even tell anyone her plan.
A total of about 28 hours, she was finally on her way to the hospital. The build up in her stomach was settling, even if she knew she wouldn't be there. Naomi had to do remission right? If everything was better? She had hope. Emily always had hope when anyone else didn't.
She closed her eyes and let her mind drift. Small daydreams of Naomi's soft lips touching hers. The past and future plans the girls had were dead and buried. It was a hard fact to have settled in her head but it was there. It had been seven months since they saw each other last and Emily had thought she moved on with Melissa in her life. That was a bust. Five months of sulking and barely any chemistry. Melissa was out of her life and Emily was in California in a week. Great.
"Miss? This is your stop." The taxi driver tapped Emily's shoulder and she jerked awake. The large hospital sat in front of her like an old hated friend. She hated walking in this place day in and day out. Barely any visits to the one person she needed to see to survive and vice versa. "Cheers." She paid the man in a heavy amount and left the cab; crossing the street without even looking.
Cancer Treatment Center. She hated those words and even worse, the Intensive Care Unit. Emily didn't stop to ask anyone questions. She let her memories lead her to the now empty room that Naomi used to be in. All cleaned out. Nothing left. Not even a single strand of hair. "Naomi?" She called with a tired tone. Then again and again. "Miss?" A nurse walked in and she turned. Someone she recognized. "Sarah?" She stared and the woman nodded. "Where is she?" A simple question with complex answers.
"She's gone, Emily. Two weeks ago. She checked out of the hospital." Emily sank from her stance to the edge of the bed. "Before you ask. We don't know her status or where she is." Emily swallowed the growing lump in her throat. Exactly what she didn't want to hear. What if she wasn't in remission and she had just given up? Her skin started to crawl with guilt.
She should've stayed.
She should've been there.
She should've kept hope.
Sarah touched Emily's shoulder and squeezed lightly. Her way of comforting and not getting too involved. She loved the girls together, but it wasn't her responsibility to find where Naomi was and how she was doing. "I'm sorry, dear." Emily nodded and rubbed her red nose.
Emily spent a week looking, but it was hopeless. A huge place and such a small person; Emily wasn't going to get this done alone. No one was there to help. No one was there to point her in the right direction. After a week, her flight was in to send her back to London. Emily was weary about leaving, but she managed to board the plane without tears in her eyes anymore. She felt exhausted and dehydrated. Maybe this was all a shitty dream and she was waiting to jolt up. A fucking nightmare.
January 2nd. The flight back was quicker, since Emily spent most of her time sleeping against the plane window. One transfer in New York and she landed outside London. Her phone was blown up with messages from Katie and her mum. The typical, 'Where the hell are you?' and everything else that could be added from her family.
Emily just turned her phone off.
Same routine. Emily paid the taxi and walked up the stairs to her flat, missing a rubbish piece of paper that skimmed her cheek. Snow drizzled onto the cold ground, more so slush than anything. The New Year had passed... but what of it? She spent her time on a plane or looking for someone that seemed to be a distant part of her past now. Once she entered her flat, the place looked the same. Fresh paint smell, everything organized, and the plants wilting by the window. Emily ran her fingers over the dry leaves and decided it was their time to die as well. A New Year? This meant that things had to be different, not for her, but for everyone.
December 27th. Kieran paid for her plane back to London. It was costly but her family was more than ecstatic to see Naomi healthy again. They promised a New Years surprise and happy tides, but Naomi wasn't quite that interested. The drive back was filled with banter about where her mum and Kieran went while she was over seas. They barely asked about her time since they knew she barely remembered the first half of it. Just how the world worked. Naomi was never the center of attention, but she still didn't mind it.
They settled her in and explained that her room was still there. A quick mention that she should stay there until Remission was over was also put on the table. Naomi had no choice but to accept it. She had nowhere else to go. It took a few days to get back into the swing of things, but it turned out to be easier than expected.
Naomi's room was the same from where she left it before. Photos hung around the walls and even some of her old clothes she didn't wear anymore sat in the closet. The clashing colors of her duvet and walls stung her eyes, making her wonder what she was thinking back then. Whatever. Naomi sat on her bed and let her eyes wander around more. Photo. Photo. Photo. Diary? She didn't remember keeping a diary, but her hand was already reaching for it. Dated earlier that year… She read on about her first experience being diagnosed, her first experience hiding it from everyone, how she broke down, and how Emily had found out.
Emily.
She ran her hand across the name and remembered distinctly the name pressed onto her cheek in pen. 'Emily was here'. Naomi's eyes shifted to the mirror. The note still there in the corner of the wood. Like a note so she wouldn't ever forget. "Emily?" Her eyes narrowed and spotted the pictures. Blonde hair and red hair. Lobster. I love you more than cheese. Her chest caved in once the impending memory of her cheating was put into play.
Naomi read on. The lake. Their first kiss. Their real first kiss. The first time they made love. The first time they said they loved each other. Everything put in a time line from the moment they met, until the moment Naomi told her about the cancer. A knock at the door distracted her while Kieran came in with a bowl of soup. "Hello, love. Your mum made some soup." He grinned at her until he noticed Naomi wasn't reciprocating it back. "What's the matter?" Kieran set the bowl down on her side table and saw the journal in hand. "You used to write in that during my class all year. Bloody nonsense, but you still got all A's." He smiled, but it failed to lighten the mood. "I did?" Naomi finally asked and Kieran nodded.
"Emily…" She spoke, nearly a question as to who she was. "Your old girlfriend. She was very sweet. Took care of you for months out there." Kieran realized she needed some time alone. "Oh, here are your things from the hospital." He placed a taped box on the bed and tapped it. "Eat that soup. You'll feel better."
Some kind words, but Naomi didn't touch the food. Everything in the box ended up sprawled out on her bed. A photograph. A card. A note. Everything that was Emily leaked out of the box and into her eyes. She remembered the soft touch of her hands on her face. She remembered the loving kisses, even when she felt at her worst. She remembered this girl placing the hat from the box, over her thinning hair. Emily.
Emily. More than a lovely girl.
After a bit of research, Naomi found Emily's flat. New Years day… she obviously had no plans after her doctor's appointment, so she had to find this girl. It felt necessary, really fucking necessary to see this girl. Memories flooded inside her mind while she toured around town. Bristol was their meeting place and London was foretold to be their future.
Two buses left Naomi in front of Emily's flat. The snow was falling, it was chilly, but she managed to power though the day. Remission didn't mean much for comfort. Naomi was still tired and in need of bed rest, but this was her priority. Finding the girl in the photographs and finding the piece of her that had been missing for nearly half a year. She knocked. Nothing. She knocked again. Nothing. A third time and she tried the handle. Locked. Not home. Naomi believed she found the wrong place, but peeking through the window, the place had a faint memory. Like a smell that brings you back to Christmas at a Grandparents house.
Naomi went into her pocket and pulled a piece of parchment from it. Keeping the pen cap in her mouth, she wrote a small message and slid it behind her mailbox. It stuck out enough for her to see; that was the point. 'Naomi was here.'
A week had passed and Emily barely left her flat. She didn't respond to her phone messages. She didn't respond to anything. Emily thought about Bristol, maybe she'd find some mates there, but that wasn't easy. Everyone had moved on from that shit town. Everyone had moved on but her. Her mind was still stuck on one thing, one person. Naomi. It felt impossible to get over the barrier. The importance of the unknown and where it was supposed to lead?
This wasn't fair. This was utter bullshit.
Emily finally gained the courage to leave her flat, with nowhere planned in mind. She slid her coat on, grabbed her bag, and keys; and then went out the door. The porch was full of old newspapers and her mailbox was full of junk. She slid them all into her hand and made her way toward the recycle bin a few feet from her door. Everything dumped in the bin; that was that. No more moping. No more of this Emily. She turned and a square sheet hit the side of her hair. She grumbled and opened the bin again to toss it away. Her hand crumpled the piece when her eyes saw what was inside.
Naomi was here.
Emily blinked a few times. The crumpled piece of paper in her hand fell to the side while she reached inside. Naomi was here. Naomi was here. Naomi was here. Her heart sank and her eyes started to tunnel out.
When? Where? How?
She rubbed her eyes. "No…" Her voice cracked and the thin paper flew from her hand. The wind sent it flying off to the East and she watched it twirl and circle until it was out of her vision. Emily's jaw was open and her hears stung from the cold. Impossible. Fucking impossible. She heard a few footsteps behind her, but it didn't drag her attention from the distance ahead of her.
"Emily?" A voice sounded. Her heart sped and body shook.
"Emily… is that you?"
She turned her head and saw her, in the flesh. Naomi stood a few yards away. New coat, pale skin, and outstanding blue eyes. Emily tucked her lips so they wouldn't quiver, but it was too late. Tears were swelling around her eyes and streaming. "You… you remember me?" Her voice caught and she gasped instantly. Naomi walked closer; only the crunch of the snow under her boots. "Yeah." She spoke quietly. Time felt nonexistent. Emily believed this was a dream and if it was? So be it. She'd never want to wake up.
"You're… Emily." Naomi spoke her name like she had a million times before. She sniffed in the cold air and felt too strongly in every direction. "Your hand fits perfectly in mine. Your lips are softer than anything I've ever touched. Your eyes are beautiful, especially in the right sunlight." Naomi could've gone on and on, but it felt unnecessary. She wanted her to know the gist of things. Naomi remembered her. It took time but she remembered everything. Her own story told back to her via a journal. "You make me take cheesy photos with you. You make me feel happy. You make me feel like a better person." Naomi sniffed again and watched Emily walk closer.
Her cold hand touched Naomi's cheek and she held her smile behind an impending sob. "You took care of me. You love me. And I love you." Emily was the first to break. Her small cry caused Naomi to hug her tightly in the trickling snow landing on their hats. "You're back. You're really back." The girl she wanted to spend the rest of her life with was actually back. The girl she spent so much time loving and caring for finally remembered who she was. Emily sobbed into her shoulder and gripped tightly at her coat. Naomi accepted the embrace and tightened her arms around Emily.
"I never left, Ems. I never will."
