Gloomy..... like the weather..... its really cold... Hnmph.....


Just as Mikan walked out of her bedroom early the next morning, Natsume stepped down from the last rung of the ladder. As he turned around, their eyes met. For a moment, neither of the spoke, neither of them moved.

Mikan felt her emotions rising quickly to the surface. Afraid he would read her thoughts; she dropped her gaze to the floor.

"Mikan …" he said softly, stepping toward her.

She raised a hand to stop him. "Please, Natsume. Let's not say anything about last night. I … I'd rather not talk about it. It was simply an unfortunate incident." She swallowed, trying to remember the words she'd rehearsed so often during mostly sleepless night. "I … I know how you feel about Luna, and I also know that I don't belong here. It would probably be best for me to leave as soon as possible." Her voice fell to a hoarse whisper. "Best for everyone."

"Why?"

Did he have to make it so hard on her? Was he being intentionally cruel? She groped for a reason she could give him. She certainly couldn't tell him it was because she loved him. She had some pride left, and she meant to hold its tattered remains around her as beat she could.

"Well, you see, there's a man I've been seeing for some time now. Ruka. Ruka Nogi is his name, and …" she looked up, and her words died in her throat.

His face was like granite, his eyes as cold as Lake Michigan. "Of course. I understand. If that's what you want, I'll arrange for your passage as soon as possible, but I'd ask you not to go until aster Christmas. Aoi's counting on your being here. I'm sure your Mr. Nogi can survive without you that long."

She felt woefully close to tears. "I'd like to spend Christmas with … with her, too."

"Good." He turned away. "I'd better see to my chores." He crossed to the door, then looked back at her over his shoulder as he put on his coat. "I'd just as soon we don't tell Aoi that you're leaving. No point in spilling the holiday for her."

Mikan couldn't speak around the lump in her throat, so she nodded in reply.

After the door closed behind him, she moved toward the black iron stove. Woodenly she prepared the coffee, then set the skillet on the stove and began to cook breakfast.

What she expected him to do? Ask her to stay? She knew that even he had to realize the folly would be. Even though he didn't love her, she was afraid they would end up in bed together if she stayed. And it would probably be her doing, too. Natsume was good and decent father. He wouldn't want his daughter subjected to such goings-on.

In truth, he was more than likely relieved that she had been the first to speak of leaving. That way, he didn't have to tell her she should go.

A sudden sob tore from her throat, and she dissolved into tears.

This was what he got for letting himself believe he was in love. He'd been better off when he'd accepted things as they were, not hoping for something he'd never had. He and Aoi had done just fine without a woman in their home the past few years. They would do just fine once Mikan was gone.

There's a man …Ruka Nogi …

Why had he been surprised? He'd heard similar words from Luna. Only he'd never loved his wife. But Mikan …

There's a man …

His first suspicions about her had been right. She was like Luna. Faithless. Devious. And he'd allowed himself to think he was in love with her. Well, it was better he'd learned the truth now then later. He hadn't been as lucky with Luna. Their marriage had been a disaster from the beginning to end. There had never been a time when either of them had so much as pretended there was love shared between them. Come to think of it, maybe that had better than loving a woman who didn't return the feeling. Perhaps it was less painful that way.

Perhaps …

Aoi couldn't understand what had gone wrong. Yesterday they had all been laughing and having so much fun, but this morning both her father and Aunt Mikan were wearing solemn expressions. Neither of them had spoken a single word since sitting down at the breakfast table.

She turned the problem over in her mind as she absently nibbled at the food on her plate.

She knew she wasn't mistaken. Pa likes Aunt Mikan a lot. He'd been happier since she'd come than she'd seen him a long time. And she just knew that Aunt Mikan was in love with her pa. so why the quiet, unhappy looks this morning?

Aoi glanced surreptitiously at her father, then once again toward her aunt, and suddenly she was certain that Aunt Mikan was planning to leave. That was why they both looked so gloomy. Aunt Mikan was going away.

An unpleasant memory intruded on her musings. She remembered her parent's voices raised in anger and the way she'd hidden beneath the covers of her bed, not wanting to hear the ugly things they were saying to each other. She remembered how despondent her pa had been after her mother had gotten into the wagon that carried her off. She wasn't sure how many days or weeks had passed between that day and the day Pa had told her that her mother wouldn't be returning home, that she'd died in some far-off place of a fever.

Aoi looked toward her father, knowing she never wanted to see him that unhappy again. She had to do something to keep her aunt from going away. Her pa needed Aunt Mikan, and Aoi needed her, too.

It was often that a farmer wished he had more things to do, but that was what Natsume was wishing at this exact moment. Anything to be away from Mikan and the pain he was feeling.

Only there wasn't mush left for him to do. He'd already fed the animals and milked the cow. Since Mikan's arrival, he'd repaired everything he could find that needed fixing, both in the barn and in the house. With a foot of snow on the ground and icy winds blowing in from the northwest, he certainly didn't have to worry about plowing or planting or irrigating his fields.

"Pa?"

He turned his gaze upon his daughter.

"What about a Christmas tree? Shouldn't we have gone to cut down before now?"

" 'Fraid we're not going to the mountain this year, pet. The ride would be hard on you. I'm sure even your aunt would agree with me that it would be too strenuous."

"But we can't have Christmas without a tree, Pa. It just wouldn't seem –"

"Don't worry. Mr. Hijiri's brining down a wagon full of pines for all the folks who can't get up to cut their own. He said he'd give us first pick. We'll go over to his place tomorrow"

After a moment's consideration, Aoi seemed satisfied with his answer. Her smile returned as she glanced toward the opposite end of the table. "Will you help me string the popcorn for the tree this afternoon, Aunt Mikan?"

"Of course. I'd like that."

The note of sadness in Mikan's voice drew Natsume's unwilling gaze. The sadness mirrored in her pretty eyes. He wished he could believe that the emotion was real, but he couldn't. When he found himself wanting to reach out and comfort her, he hardened his heart against the urge. After all, she was the one who wanted to leave. She was the one who had kissed him with such abandon, only to tell him she belonged to another man.

Aoi's voice drew his thoughts up short. "You'll go with Pa to help him pick out the right tree, won't you, Aunt Mikan?" Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I'm still not finished with my Christmas presents." Louder she added, "I usually get to choose the tree he cuts down, but I'll trust you to pick the best one."

"Well, I …" Mikan glanced up, her gaze meeting Natsume's.

"Tell her, Pa. Tell her she had to go with you."

"If she really doesn't want – " he began.

"Oh, please, Pa. she just has to go." His daughter's umber eyes pleaded even more eloquently than her words, and he was helpless against them.

He turned his gaze to Mikan. With a shrug of his shoulders, he said, "It seems your expertise is required. We'll go for the tree tomorrow around noon."

"I'll be ready," Mikan replied softly.

He didn't know how she did it. She was making him feel guilty!

Natsume rose abruptly from the table and once more retreated to the barn. With as much time as he'd been spending out there lately, he thought, feeling the irritation spreading through him, he probably would do just as well to move his things into one of the stalls.

Dad-blasted female!

The sound of the closing door made Mikan flinch. She knew he was angry with her for deciding to leave, but what else could she have done? They both knew what would happen if she stayed. She might be an old maid, but she want so innocent that she didn't know his passion had flared as hot as her own. If only …

"You're going away, aren't you?" Aoi asked in a whisper. "You're going back to Chicago."

Mikan turned toward her niece, uncertain what to do. She'd promised Natsume she wouldn't say anything to Aoi until after Christmas.

"That's why Pa's sad." The child's expression was somber, and she looked older than her tender years. " 'Cause he doesn't want you to go."

Oh, how she wished that were true. How she wanted to believe the wisdom of a ten-year-old.

"My mother left us, too."

Mikan resisted a welling up of tears. "It's not the same, Aoi," she whispered. "Your mother couldn't help leaving."

"Yes, she could have. She didn't have to leave here in that wagon with that man. She wanted to go. She told Pa she hated him and she wasn't ever coming back." She stared at her hands, folded tightly in her lap. "Sometimes I think it's my fault she died 'cause I didn't really want her to come back. I don't think Pa did either.

"Aoi, I don't understand." Mikan shook her head, feeling confused.

The girl pushed herself away from the table, turning toward her room. "We thought you were going to stay. We thought you loved us and wouldn't go away," she said quietly as she rolled her chair across the parlor, disappearing into her bedroom.

Mikan stared after the child, a score of unanswered questions racing around her head. Luna had left in a wagon? Natsume hadn't wanted her to come back? What was Aoi saying? Could any of it possibly be true?