10

Olivia was relieved to finally arrive at the evacuation centre where Elliot, Hiroshi and the others had been camped out. It wasn't a long walk, but it was distressing to see all the damage. She was also exhausted from not having been able to sleep very well in the crowded hall she had been directed to after she had managed to escape the partially collapsed building she and Lizzie had been in when the quake had occurred. Elliot walked close by his daughter and Olivia walked a couple of paces behind them. Every so often Elliot would turn around and shoot a worried look at her, but she would just smile at him indicating that she was fine and he was just being silly.

She had been worried sick about Elliot after the earthquake had happened, fearing the worst and terrified that she would be going back home alone with Lizzie. The thought of losing him had really rammed home just how much she wanted him in her life, how much she cared for him. The fact that he was now separated from Kathy gave her permission to tentatively dare to think about the possibility of him and her becoming something more. They no longer worked together. They were both single. There was no longer anything tangible holding them back. She knew she loved him. She couldn't get him out of her head. When he had just appeared like that in the evacuation shelter she had hardly been able to believe her eyes. She had been desperate to touch him, feel that he was real. Then he had run straight to Lizzie.

That was understandable though. Lizzie was his daughter after all. She had still hoped he might appear slightly more pleased to see her too. She wondered if maybe it could be that he was embarrassed to show his feelings in front of his daughter. She could understand that. She needed to get him alone, but given their current accommodations the chances of that probably weren't too high. Maybe he didn't feel the same way though? She didn't want to do anything to risk their friendship. The other thing that nagged at her was what if he ran again? He had already left her once, he could do it again. She didn't think she could cope with that rejection.

She felt herself getting emotional. Seeing Elliot there, unable to touch him, was too much. She could feel the tears building. She needed to be on her own. She guessed it was also a lot to do with the traumatic experience she had just been through, followed by the relief at seeing him again. She definitely didn't want to be seen breaking down, mainly because his obvious question would be what's wrong and she could hardly say, "well actually it's because I'm madly in love with you and it hurts so much that you don't feel the same way". She figured that would be a sure way to put an end to their only recently revitalised friendship.

Once inside the school gym, Olivia searched quickly for the sign for the toilets. She had learned to recognise the Kanji characters and could now not only work out where the toilets were but also distinguish the male from the female ones, although she had to admit the colour coding usually helped somewhat with that.

"Just popping to the restroom," she muttered to Elliot and she quickly headed in that direction, not even glancing behind her to see his reaction.

Not in the mood for public scrutiny, she locked herself into the disabled toilet and once out of sight, finally allowed the tears to fall unchecked. She turned away so she wouldn't have to see herself in the mirror and leant with her back against the wall, hugging her arms to her in a lonely embrace. She had no idea what she was going to do. Telling him just seemed like it would be a huge mistake, but she couldn't ignore how she felt. Being around him was just too painful. Maybe it would have been better if things had just stayed how they were. Yes, his leaving had hurt, but she had just about gotten over it and accepted she needed to move on with her life. Now she was back to square one again, but worse.

The misery enveloped her. The faces she had seen of the injured and killed intermingled in her thoughts with his face. Her imagination had continuously thrown out images of him lying hurt or worse, buried under rubble and they lingered in her head. She remembered when the earthquake had first struck. People had started screaming. The noise produced by the building shaking everything inside had been almost deafening. She had been thrown to the ground. She had looked around for Lizzie but hadn't immediately been able to spot her. When the ground had stopped moving she had soon realised she had escaped with no serious injuries and so she had started looking around for Lizzie. Luckily she too had escaped with only scratches and bruises and so the pair had begun helping others, some of whom were less fortunate. A clothing rack had fallen on one poor lady, almost decapitating her. Olivia had quickly thrown a coat from the rail over the body, knowing that wasn't an image that Lizzie needed in her head. It wasn't exactly one she wanted, although sadly she had seen suchlike before – and worse. It was yet another image to compartmentalise and store away hoping it wouldn't haunt her too deeply during her future nightmares.

Once they had managed to get out of the building and into the street, she had truly realised the extent of the devastation. The two buildings either side of the one they had been in were completely collapsed. The fact that they had survived had suddenly hit her then. It had been pure luck, nothing else. She had watched Lizzie's face contort as she too took in the horror around them and she had placed her arm around her, encouraging her to stay strong, telling her that her Dad was likely in less danger as he was over an hour away. Of course she hadn't mentioned the fact that really she had been absolutely terrified and felt like her whole world was going to implode. She had to at least pretend to be strong, to keep up the façade she had maintained all her working life. Her feelings weren't important. What mattered was keeping Lizzie calm until they found out one way, or another, what had happened to her Father.

Olivia realised that at some point while lost deep in her thoughts, her tears had ceased. She wondered how long she had been in the bathroom. Elliot would be wondering where she had got to. She stepped over to the sink and splashed some water on her face. As she looked in the mirror she recoiled. She looked a mess. Her hair needed washing, her skin was sallow with huge shadows under her eyes and she felt like she looked a good ten years older than she normally did. Was it any wonder Elliot wasn't interested in her like that? She wouldn't be. She sighed. She knew it wasn't healthy to be so hard on herself, but old habits die hard.

She unlocked the door and stepped out and was immediately embarrassed to see that Elliot was standing there waiting for her. Lizzie must be in the hall somewhere.

"You OK?" he asked gently, the concern apparent in his eyes. Her stomach lurched and she felt her eyes filling with fresh tears. Not trusting herself to speak, she only nodded.

"Liv..." he looked straight at her and she knew he was blaming himself for everything, since it was he who had begged her to come here with him.

"I'm fine, El. Really," she said trying to sound stronger than she felt. It was all too overwhelming: the earthquake, the aftermath, not knowing if he was alive or dead for so many hours. He was staring straight at her. For a moment she imagined he was trying to tell her something.

"Come here," he said finally, stepping towards her and reaching out for her with his arms. He took hold of her, gently pulling her towards him and then he held her tightly. She could feel his relief and his concern. She leaned in to his hug slightly, unable to ignore just how good it felt to be in his arms. She realised she felt shaky. Then she couldn't prevent the tears from rolling down her cheeks. She tried to blink them away, forced herself to try and think of something other than the fact that she was in his arms right now and that all she wanted was to stay there. She tried to pull away, embarrassed to be crying in front of him, but he wouldn't loosen his hold, so she remained there.

"Liv?" he whispered close to her ear. He had obviously noticed she was crying and she hated that she was probably making him extremely uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "It's just all hitting me." It wasn't a total lie.

"It's OK," he soothed. You're OK. Don't worry about anything. I'm here."

"I thought you…." she started but she couldn't finish.

"I know I know. Me too, I've never been so terrified in my life…"

He sounded sincere but she assumed he was talking about his daughter. She closed her eyes briefly, resting her head against his shoulder so she could look away and he wouldn't see the pain in her expression.

"Liv?" he questioned her. "What's wrong? There's something else, isn't there?"

"I'm just tired, El," she said. "It's been a rough couple of days."

Elliot looked at her sharply. He almost looked disappointed. She couldn't really read him. Was this really just friendship? She could count their hugs over their long partnership on one hand and this was already way longer than any previous ones, not to mention he was clutching her so tightly that she wondered if he would ever let her go. It was confusing. If it had been anyone else, she would have read more into it, but this was Elliot. Anyway they had just survived a huge natural disaster. These weren't normal circumstances.

Just as she had decided that even this hug could be explained away he suddenly and spontaneously leaned in and kissed her tenderly on her head. She felt her heart rate quickening and she felt the stirring as her body reacted to his touch. She suddenly felt really self-conscious and awkward, even embarrassed at how strongly her body was reacting and she once again tried to pull away, but once again he insistently held her. She wasn't willing to go as far as ripping herself away from him, even though she knew she could should she really want to end the hug. She decided he had been through a lot too and probably needed it just as much as she did.

He shifted his weight a little and she felt his left hand going to her waist. She was frozen in position. It felt like this was leading somewhere. Was he going to kiss her? He started gently stroking her hair. She felt her nervousness growing. She willed him to just lean in and press his lips to hers. She felt a tingle in her stomach at the thought.

Then he pulled away.

"Lizzie!" he said cheerfully, immediately bringing Olivia back to reality. She raised her hand to her eyes and wiped them, surprised at the dampness. She hadn't realised she had shed that many tears. He was trying to comfort her. He was probably in shock that his strong and tough ex-partner had just broken down in front of him. That no doubt explained the hug and the tenderness. He wasn't going to kiss her. He was just trying to soothe her, to stop her tears. He was probably relieved beyond belief when his daughter appeared, giving him the excuse to pull away.

"I need some air," she said. "I'm going outside for a minute."

"We'll come with you," Elliot replied immediately.

"No, please don't. I need to be alone, just for a few minutes. I'll come back in and find you in a while."

Lizzie's presence was distracting him. Olivia knew that. She saw the look on his face which betrayed just how unsure he was at leaving her alone after she had just been in tears in his arms.

"Elliot, please," she insisted. "I need some time alone. I'll talk to you later."

"OK," he nodded reluctantly. "Don't be long out there, okay?"

"OK," she replied and she slipped away, walking quickly to the door. She knew Elliot's eyes were boring into her back as she left but she didn't turn around. She stepped outside into the hot humid air and looked around for somewhere she could go where no one else would be around. She wandered around the side of the building and found a side entrance, where she sat down on the step and buried her face in her knees, taking deep breaths. What was wrong with her? She felt like she was falling apart. She needed to get a grip. This wasn't her. She was strong. She was Olivia Benson, a detective in the NYPD. She could face anything… even a broken heart.